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Post by Deleted on Jul 16, 2015 19:10:34 GMT -5
I had to think about this and I can't really find a totally good answer. Here is me trying to explain how I feel about this...So I always thought it was hot when my AB husband was on crutches a couple of times already for a few months each time and even though that was so much different than being in a wheelchair for real I think I would also be more attracted if he was in a wheelchair hence the "pretending in the bedroom" is not out of the question though not possible at this time in our life (would be difficult to explain to the kids a wheelchair in the bedroom)... But I also thought about if something was to happen to him in terms of an SCI I think I would be kind of ready to face the situation head on because of the knowledge I have gained being a dev. The thought doesn't really freak me out but more like "O.K. let's do this". Of course on his end I have no idea how he would deal with it but he does know I am a devotee and he knows I am into guys in wheelchairs so I wonder how he would in turn think about all of it once the initial shock is over. I am not sure if my dev side would play a role in it, possibly not and I don't think I would have any dev feelings for a while but I would stick by him and try to figure it all out not so much on a dev level but just as his wife. I can't help sometimes thinking about how accessible our house would be and what we would have to do to make it accessible...Through the good and the bad times I guess.... We had a little situation last year with my younger son who is a daredevil and not scared of anything when he had the stereotypical accident "falling off the trampolin" full force on his back (yes, we are irresponsible and don't have a net anymore... )and he was really hurt, laying on the ground, said he couldn't move and couldn't breathe, cried...I did not freak out at all but I felt more like "Sh...hopefully he didn't get messed up"...but I stayed totally calm and basically kept him still and calm and all of that. Fortunately he was O.K. but even though SCI crossed my mind I didn't panic. My husband and I have been married for a while and at this point I think I would be ready if something would happen in terms of an SCI and be ready to go through it with him if he would let me... And yes, I do realize what a big life change that would be but it doesn't scare me at all...I am a lot more scared of a heart attack and my husband dying of it....
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Post by alexa2010 on Jul 17, 2015 0:38:09 GMT -5
Great answer Dani.
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Post by Deleted on Jul 20, 2015 16:47:53 GMT -5
First of all thanks Eva for creating this very interesting thread which leads me to share a personal experience I had in my life with my AB husband ( still and happily married!) . For me there NO way I could have been more attracted to him if he ended up in a wheelchair. It is just the opposite. It happened to him 8 years ago after a car accident and he was left paralyzed for 4 months with a lot of suffering. After a back surgery, rehab and a wheelchair he regained his mobility. He still has a numbess in his foot and leg though. (Damaged sciatic nerve) I was devastated and afraid he could stay disabled or with bladder and bowel issues or...impotence! ( and I'm not a sex addict person. "Snake in the trouser" thing is not my main priority! ) So my devness is a complete fantasy in my head which I fulfill reading books, writing, watching movies and videos, talking to nice devs and sometimes imagining the perfect para I missed, but it has to be a total stranger obviously I don't say I wouldn't have liked and be curious to have a relationship with a PWD but it was a longtime ago when I didn't know what a dev was or even that I was one. At that time I tried my best to keep those feelings away from my tortuous mind! Too bad Internet and PD didn't exist back then
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Post by Deleted on Jul 20, 2015 16:52:09 GMT -5
@frenchie u took the words right out of my mouth..especially the internet and PD part
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Post by Deleted on Jul 20, 2015 16:58:01 GMT -5
@frenchie u took the words right out of my mouth..especially the internet and PD part Yes! Finding out late in your life you are a devotee is a bit frustrating! At least to me. Too old and too wise to explore but it leaves me the PD devs interaction
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What if?
Jul 21, 2015 8:58:51 GMT -5
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Post by Deleted on Jul 21, 2015 8:58:51 GMT -5
My AB husband has always teased me about something like this. Since he knows I'm a Dev I'm pretty sure id never hear the end of it....knowing his sense of humor the jokes and teasing would be endless... In all seriousness though.... I don't do well with being a caretaker, so depending on type of injury first and foremost, (if it was one that pushed my Dev buttons), then followed by his ability to still live life to the fullest would depend on how I would feel. I think the biggest thing would be how he reacted post injury. I'm aware there would be a grieving process to it all, but if he was angry and bitter and difficult I would have a hard time being attracted to that.
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Post by Deleted on Jul 21, 2015 9:34:58 GMT -5
My AB husband has always teased me about something like this. Since he knows I'm a Dev I'm pretty sure id never hear the end of it....knowing his sense of humor the jokes and teasing would be endless... In all seriousness though.... I don't do well with being a caretaker, so depending on type of injury first and foremost, (if it was one that pushed my Dev buttons), then followed by his ability to still live life to the fullest would depend on how I would feel. I think the biggest thing would be how he reacted post injury. I'm aware there would be a grieving process to it all, but if he was angry and bitter and difficult I would have a hard time being attracted to that. I totally relate and agree with you Tori. As I am not the caring or nursing type either, a dependent or bitter partner wouldn't have worked out for me. I also wouldn't have liked to meet him before his injury. To be blunt, I am a picky Dev and more of a watcher That's what pushes my dev buttons the most! And my AB husband teases me too and jokes about my 'Unconventional attraction'. If he is ok with it, he doesn't quite understand the extent of it (fortunately!) Don't we all need a secret garden?
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Post by Deleted on Jan 9, 2016 13:40:57 GMT -5
A question that I've been asking myself at times, but never delved too much into it.
Now, after reading so many interesting insights from you ladies, I thought I'd chime in, even if it is quite an old topic.
My only real life experience with disability within the couple was a slight brush, when my ex broke two fingers and he had to wear a cast for a few weeks. Despite feeling sorry that he was in pain, seeing him more vulnerable and having to help him with different chores definitely turned me on. But obviously, this is nowhere near a serious injury.
I believe that if something were to happen to my actual boyfriend and he ended up confined to a wheelchair, there are good chances things would eventually work out. I know I would do my best to that effect.
I imagine the turmoil such an occurrence would bring about, and working through all this would most likely manage to mute my dev receptors with fear for my partner's life, grief for losing a part of him, and the mere struggle of figuring out how to adjust to all the changes, how to survive under such altered circumstances. I would do anything to help him through it. However I suspect my devness would kick in again at some point, especially if things do reach some equilibrium and he accepts this new situation without ending up all bitter and defeated. Because that would totally be a gamechanger. I value dignity, independence - when it is achievable - but I despise stubbornness, I love to help, but hate being taken for granted, abused and expected/forced to do things. And I loathe self-pity. I'll have to quote @frenchie : I am picky, not only as a dev, but as a person.
I might be attracted to some physical disabilities, but first and foremost it is the personality, the kindness, the emotional engagement that matters, and if there is no such thing, then no physical feature will succeed in keeping me in a relationship.
To sum it up, I would be turned on by my SO in a wheelchair if he kept his inner beauty I love him for now alive.
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Post by Peony on Jan 10, 2016 7:57:40 GMT -5
So weird....I think about this pretty intensely from time to time. I would fricken love it if my partner became a para, and I think he'd cope with it pretty well. Like a normal person, I would find the injury and rehab phase incredibly difficult, though. In terms of other injuries, I really think I would struggle if he were to become blind or profoundly disabled, but I think that's fairly standard. I've seen him fool around in a wheelchair before...incredibly hot (I would also feel incredibly guilty and like I had somehow caused it!)
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Post by Nia on Jul 30, 2016 20:35:52 GMT -5
I am risking to earn the badge of "the one who digs into old threads" but both my high dev and insomnia are killing me and the result is this hours spent on PD reading what you guys discussed before I joined. This topic has been on my mind for almost year and a half... Question for devs who are disabling their AB partners in their mind during sex - were you able to do this with each AB guy you have been with or not? For me disability can work (in my mind) on some guys and on others it won't work. I can't explain this but over the course of 15-20 years I tried to imagine each BF I had as disabled but it just didn't work... It just didn't fit on them. So I uses some imaginary guy. Until I started dating my current AB BF.... From the very beginning I used him in my fantasies - disabling him differently and it worked perfectly each time. In my imagination he is perfect as SAK and DAK as para... I'm very much turned on by him as he is but imagining him disabled makes me go crazy... As we are very open and he knows about me being a dev - he knows all said above... I feel super quilty and I am freaked by the very thought that something could happen to him in reality since I know I would not be able to forgive myself and I would be convinced that I caused it... He thinks it's silly and sort of approves what I do and it is comforting to some point... But. BUT. What really fucks me in the head is how often I do this and how badly (sometimes) I wish he was disabled (preferably DAK)... I literally find myself daydreaming about it very often... Then I torture myself rationalixating and asking myself "ok would you really wish that to him" and you can imagine my horor when each time my inner voice answers "yes"... That is why I started my therapy.... I can explain everything related to devness to myself and get rid of ghe guilt you all guys said you had - but this... This I can not forgive myself. In a way it is a game changer which makes me sick... Of course I would NEVER EVER cause him any bad or anything close but this does not help.... When I said all this to my therapist she asked me "ok, can you tell me - when you say you wish all the best or something good to somebody- do you REALLY wish it?". My answer was "not always" and then she explained that human thoughs are very layered and very often hard to rationalize and explain and that I should not torture myself that much... Seeing this from that angle helped a bit I have to say but I still struggle with those thoughts... And to finally answer your great question - YES if my BF became disabled I would be more than turned on by his new body and I am sure it will work for me. But this applies only to him. Why I don't know. And I hope this sick dream of mine will never become not even close to true...
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Post by kivic on Jul 30, 2016 20:50:05 GMT -5
Thank you for resurrecting this thread Nia. I don't know how I missed it and was actually just thinking about this exact issue! Totally!! My fantasizing about my spouse being disabled has really only worked with him! Others guy - nope. I can sometimes fantasize about random guys, but it doesn't have the same emotional-sexual connection. I think it could be because he is also devy to me in an emotional way as well and so we are halfway there. What he and I have talked about is that if anything were to happen to him (and he participates in a few high-risk, adrenaline-junkie type activities) is that he has comfort in knowing I will love him and find him attractive no matter what happens to him. Well, that's the theory anyway I used to feel a fair amount of guilt over continually using him in my dev-fantasies and afraid that because I fantasized about it I would WANT something to happen to him, and in a way, I do wish it only for my selfish needs, BUT in actuality, I don't wish anything physically debilitating on anyone. Plus, he would make the most miserable PWD guaranteed.
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What if?
Jul 30, 2016 21:07:15 GMT -5
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Post by Nia on Jul 30, 2016 21:07:15 GMT -5
Dear kivic it's so much easier to find that others struggle with similar things and thoughts... Thank you so much for sharing... My BF said the same thing to me - that in some weird way he is thankful to me for showing the disability to him in completely new light. Believe it or not becoming disabled and stuck to wheel chair for life was (is) his greatest fear (?!?) and now with my POW he told me he also changed perspective... First of all you can imagine my shock when out of the blue he shared with me his greatest fear at the beginning of our relationship (long before I told him about my devness)... Great couple we make... I almost decided never to tell him because of this... Still knowing all this I still think that he would be a perfect DAK ... I am probably idealizing but I think that despite of this fear he would be able to adopt and overcome if this would ever happen to him AND I HOPE IT WILL NOT...
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What if?
Jul 30, 2016 23:54:28 GMT -5
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Post by robbb on Jul 30, 2016 23:54:28 GMT -5
This surely is effectively two questions. One about your ex and one about your current.
Most people would say no to the ex, after all if you still loved him he wouldn't be your ex. If he is your ex then presumably you think he's an a*hole whether PWD or not.
Likewise you love and desire your current whether he's AB or not.
Simplistic I know, but not too far off the truth surely.
R.
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elyse
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Post by elyse on Jul 31, 2016 5:38:47 GMT -5
I don't fantasize about my husband in that way. I'm sure he'd be hot to me in a wheelchair, but I don't feel the need to imagine him like that. He's sexy enough as it is ;-)
If he did become disabled he would not be the type of person to handle it very well. I think because of that it would make the disability less attractive to me.
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Post by eva on Jul 31, 2016 10:54:33 GMT -5
Question for devs who are disabling their AB partners in their mind during sex - were you able to do this with each AB guy you have been with or not? Yes, each and everyone of them (actually, not only during sex). At the very beginning, always. Then, not anymore. Maybe because I get to know them better, maybe because I'm not as turned on after a while... Lately, I've been seriously thinking that being a dev could be the reason why I can't stay physically attracted to an AB for more than a few months. I guess it's one of the perks of being a dev This is interesting. I don't know if I can find the right words but let's turn it around: to us, devs, having a disability is everything but a bad thing. So it could also be that we're wishing a good thing ? It's all a matter of perception. We need to think outside the box because we are outside the box !
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