New member needs advice!

[katz]

First post. Scary.

Hello!

I am freaking out a little bit so I have to skip the pleasantries and get right to the point...

I've been a dev since I was a little kid...as long as I can remember. But this is literally the first time I've ever admitted it. And I'm only here for some help and support (for now).

So long story short...I've had this really good guy-friend for about 4-5 years now. Never been attracted to him at all. Not even a little bit. Fast forward to this summer...he is starting to have weird issues with pain and balance. He has fallen a few times. His foot is dropping. He is starting to confide in me about needing help with certain things...like he can't really carry stuff up the stairs to his apartment. His primary doc referred him to a neurologist and he asked me to go with him. He was diagnosed with MD. Needs to get an AFO for starters and progression is uncertain. He needs me right now, and I love it.

So here I am having all kinds of feelings for him that I have never, ever had before. Like I said, not even a little bit. I know what's happening here. I'm losing it because I'm a dev. If it wasn't for the neuromuscular thing, I wouldn't be interested in him at all. I need help. How do I get my mind (and body) back under control? Anyone ever dealt with a situation like this?

Thanks so much for reading.

[LaMara]

Hi there!
I might not be the best person to answer your doubts, because I've never been in your situation, but I hope I can help a tiny bit.
Let's put it this way: you never had feelings for your friend, and now you do.
If you never had feelings for him before because of his personality, probably your attraction now is only a consequence of a dev high, it's just purely physical, but if he's not your type as a person, usually after a while physical attraction is not enough.
If the reason why you were never attracted to your friend is that you didn't like him physically, and now you do, well I don't see what's wrong with it. He's changing in a way that will certainly affect his life but for you makes him attractive. You didn't cause any of this, you didn't chose to be a dev, it's just what it is. You couldn't change his diagnosis nor your being a dev even if you wanted to.
If you stay close to him and offer him support, you will figure out eventually what you really feel/want, and once he starts accepting his new situation, well who knows what might happen?
Maybe for now don't immediately tell him that you are a dev, or do it only if you know him well enough to guess he'll react in a positive way. Dealing with a newly acquired disability must be stressful enough without adding something vast and complex as devness.
Basically, you should let things evolve with time without forcing them. No rush!
And don't feel guilty (it's hard not to, I've been there!), just keep being a good friend! Good luck

[katz]

Thank you so much for your reply, LaMara. I have felt so alone and yes, guilty. Your reply has helped me calm down and start to put things in perspective a bit. It has been helpful to lurk around here and read everyone's stories and experiences...it's hard not to feel like a terrible person sometimes. Someday I hope to be able to accept this part of myself and not feel shame. I'll take all the advice and help you all are willing to give!

[katz]

Thank you so much tc123... I still can't believe I am here talking about it.

[butterfly]

Hello, Katz, first of all, I am glad you are here with us! It's a fantastic bunch of folks and you will soon find that most everyone is very willing to help you sort through whatever thoughts and feelings that you are experiencing, with a great deal of insight and wisdom. I can only echo what the others have said. Please don't hesitate to reach out to any of us, via PM here on the board....I'll gladly share my contact info if you wish to hear a friendly, very silly and slightly goofy voice

[katz]

Thank you, thank you, thank you, butterfly! I can already tell I will be sleeping better tonight because of all of you! I had no idea...

[LaMara]

Sept 29, 2015 12:00:18 GMT -5 katz said:

Thank you so much for your reply, LaMara. I have felt so alone and yes, guilty. Your reply has helped me calm down and start to put things in perspective a bit. It has been helpful to lurk around here and read everyone's stories and experiences...it's hard not to feel like a terrible person sometimes. Someday I hope to be able to accept this part of myself and not feel shame. I'll take all the advice and help you all are willing to give!

Always glad to help!
It's been tough for me to deal with guilt and mixed feelings for years, and PD definitely helped. I'm sure it will make things clearer for you too!
If you want to chat some more and let some steam out, please don't hesitate to pm me!

[Deleted]

Katz (I like your avatar name)...welcome to PD. I am also glad you are here on PD and I think you will see that there are lots of great people/fellow devotees who can maybe support you in your journey. I know it is difficult to open up about things, I have my own issues with that but I think it is great you had the courage.
As for advice, I unfortunately don't have much as I have never been in that situation. I think about that sometimes when I think about my husband. How would it change if he would ever become disabled and deep inside I can't help to sometimes have these dark thoughts that if something would happen I would probably be okay with it. It makes me feel really bad too because of course a normal person doesn't want anything bad to happen to people they care about but at the same time there are these feelings devs harbor that are actually not bad when it comes to disabilities, an understanding and of course the attraction.
I would also think you should ride it out right now and see how it will go. Try not to feel guilty but I know it is very difficult, I still struggle with guilt as well, working on it every day to not give a s... anymore.
I want to almost say "Enjoy your devness" but it sounds so wrong in the face of what is happening with your friend. Maybe just be there for him right now, support him and motivate him. I wouldn't tell him yet about the devotee thing, it may be confusing for him. Just be there for him and with him through this time of adjustment.

[katz]

Dani, thank you so much.

I really need you guys right now. And you are all absolutely right. About all of it. I'm practically squirming out of my skin on a dev high...and I didn't even know what that was until today! I really, really need to get past this. It feels sooo good, but it's not fair to him. I hate myself for how much I'm enjoying learning about this disability and just being able to be there for him. And he is so appreciative and grateful for me being here...omg I feel like crap. I mean who gets aroused thinking about going with someone to try on AFOs?? I'm so scared I'm going to blurt out something inappropriate like "I love you". And it sucks worse because I know he is interested in me...but I've always told him I don't feel the same way. Except now I can't even think clearly. Please tell me this will wear off! How long does it take? What can I do?

[Emma]

Hi katz! It's great to see a new dev here looking for advice because that's what we are here for. I apologize that I didn't respond earlier. As a dev I think its hard to separate sexual attraction from other types of attraction. I think you have a perfect situation where you know you were not into your friend before he started to develop a disability. The other way to look at it was that you were interested in your friend but because you are a dev there was something missing. Now that he has started to develop some physical challenges you are seeing him differentlyand are actually attracted. Your situation is unique. Most of us either know guys as AB or disabled, its very rare to see a guy go from AB to disabled. I think there are some devs here who have experienced it, maybe they will jump in.

Are you feeling like you are still not interested in your friend and want your physical attraction to him to stop? Maybe joining here and talking with other devs and disabled guys will take the focus off your friend and help you realize that there are other opportunities to explore your devness.

[devogirl]

I know how it is to be stuck on a dev high, it makes you feel crazy. Try to indulge your dev side with some books or movies or youtube videos for the moment so you can take a step back and get some clarity in this relationship. It doesn't have to be a crisis. This could be the start of something great for both of you. It happens all the time that two people are friends for years, then something changes that makes them see each other in a more sexual way. In fact it's probably more common than love at first sight. And you said he already feels that way about you. So why not go for it? You're feeling guilty because the thing turning you on is causing him pain. But he might not see it that way--maybe he will realize how lucky he is that you are one of the few who will support him through this very difficult condition, rather than being scared off. I know it's scary to come clean and tell him everything, but think about how much you have to gain.

[tori]

I can advise you that relationships work best if you are friends first, but you also need to be physically attracted to the person. Its possible now the physical lines up with the emotional. agree with others though step back and take a breath before you jump into something you regret and end up losing the friendship.

[katz]

I can't thank you ladies enough. I am SO glad I decided to reach out. You all make excellent points. My main goal is to NOT screw up a great friendship...especially right now when he has so much going on. I think exploring/indulging my dev side in other ways is the best solution for me/us at this point. I am so grateful for each and every one of your replies. You have given me so much clarity and have helped me step outside myself so I can regain some control over my feelings...and breathe. Also, being here with you for the past few days and reading some of your other threads has helped me feel a bit less shame and less like some kind of monster for the first time in my life. Even so, I still can't believe I'm not the only one in the world who feels this way.

[siouxwin]

Don't fret Katz, I am, as most of us here, are just like you. And I first admitted here, on PD as well, thinking I was the only one in this gigantic world, silly me. I have only in the last few days been using my picture as my avatar because I was sick of hiding. I have yet to tell anyone close to me, but it may come sooner than I realize. And I have yet to find my dream guy. I have said it once and I will say it again, I really don't care much for the dev name, but it's all we have. Hang in there, we are here for you and glad you have arrived.

[eva]

Hi Katz! You've received great advice, and Emma makes a very good point. It might help if you try remembering why you're not attracted to him in the first place. It happened to me a while ago, when this now very good friend of mine who was a co-worker at the time started hitting on me. I wasn't particularly attracted until he broke his foot, crutches an'all. What's a dev supposed to do? But then we were both in a relationship so it really didn't go further than exchanging a few kisses. The thing is that, in your case, it's not about a broken foot. So, unless thay find a cure, it might last. You do have a great friendship going on though, which IMO is the best basis for a great love RS. Was/is your lack of attraction based on physical appearance?