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Post by Deleted on Jan 24, 2018 18:10:21 GMT -5
This is something I think about quite a bit as I enter my mid thirties and the question of kids looms large. My husband doesn't want any, so I'm unlikely to become a mom or grandma. That leaves a lot of open space for planning! @ashpup , are you ok with that idea, to give up on being a mother, just because your husband doesn't want any kids?! It seems like too big sacrifice to me... I mean, it would be completely understandable, if it was your wish and desire, too. But although not knowing you, it seems like you DO want kids, since that is the first and only thing you mention when asked about life goals... Excuse me if I am being too personal, but it just struck me, reading your lines... Well, since you asked a personal question I may as well answer candidly -- although I don't wish to hijack the conversation. It's complicated. My husband and I have been together for 12 years. When we married (5 years ago) neither one of us was sure about kids yet but we both said that if the other person didn't want them, we could accept that. Fast forward, and now we're in two different camps. He has no interest in kids, and I am ambivalent. On the one hand, I think I'd be a great mom and I would love to grow my own family. On the other, there's the lack of family support since my parents and grandparents are all dead (my mom died when I was 24). Giving up this relationship in the hopes of finding another that could potentially yield children would be a big gamble, and a big sacrifice too. I don't have the resources or the desire to become a parent on my own. So, I'm trying to figure out if there is another way for me to get my needs met without taking such a huge risk. For example, would I be content playing a large role in the lives of my niece and nephew? Or being a very invested godmother to my gay best friend's hypothetical future child(ren)? I've given myself until age 35 to sketch out a plan that would work for me, marriage or otherwise. We are in couples therapy together, too, so I'm not alone in working through this obstacle. Hopefully that wasn't too personal of a response! Maybe it will resonate for other folks. I think the initial prompt of having an "endgame" for life is interesting because we can never know the future fully, so can never have an ironclad plan -- yet, without a rough draft, we run the risk of blocking ourselves from achieving what we most want. The complexities multiply when our plans involve people beyond ourselves!
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Post by Deleted on Jan 24, 2018 18:52:21 GMT -5
It’s like you looked deep into my soul and described the exact opposite of what you saw down there. lol So you do not intend to raise your kids as upstanding citizens, @mrniceguy?! Nope. My imaginary kids are all headed for lives of debauchery and crime.
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Post by missparkle on Jan 24, 2018 18:56:25 GMT -5
So you do not intend to raise your kids as upstanding citizens, @mrniceguy ?! Nope. My imaginary kids are all headed for lives of debauchery and crime. I knew it! Than we should all do our best to prevent you to "breed", for the sake of mankind! LOL
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Post by lucretia on Jan 24, 2018 19:04:20 GMT -5
Kids!! Such a loaded topic. I never wanted kids when I was young. I figured my family history and my own personality would make me a terrible mom. But my second husband really, really wanted kids and so I agreed to start a family with him. I had to work really hard to be the kind of mom I would have wanted. I was also ridiculously lucky to be able to have kids. I never realized how lucky I was until I had dear friends go through the agonizing process of trying, and discovering they weren't able to. I was also oblivious to even the concept of devs. I never in a million years thought I'd meet, date, build a life with, a PWD. I didn't even look. I ran across a couple of beautiful wheelers, but I was too shy and awkward to do more than write a billion stories about them. I was with husband #2 for 15 years and have three beautiful daughters, and now two grandsons. If I had met my third husband, the literal wheeler of my dreams, when we were younger, I wouldn't have children. I realize how blessed I've been to live a few completely different lives. At the beginning of each phase I could not have predicted how it would end, or how there would be an opportunity to do something different after that end. That's why I hope to live well into my 90's. My genetics suggest the odds are in my favor. I'm super curious what will happen next.
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Post by missparkle on Jan 24, 2018 19:07:53 GMT -5
missparkle , mona , @ashpup - I know these topics are on two separate threads, but they definitely tie together for me. I am living my dev fantasy and am in a happy marriage with a pwd, and for that I did have to sacrifice having children. Similar to @ashpup , we are in two different places with it, and the thought of giving up my marriage for the chance of having kids, I guess I made my decision. I wanted kids and he was open to the idea early on, but after fertility testing we realized our only option would be IVF, and out odds were pretty low due to sperm quality. I would have tried, but he didn’t want to. We went through a really rough patch for a few years trying to come to some sort of resolution, but there’s really no compromise on that one. It’s a horrible choice to have to make. In the end I decided I wanted my marriage over the unknown. It IS a huge sacrifice and I still don’t know if I made the right decision, or if I will regret it one day. Discovering the world of devs and PD has really helped me get to see my “alternate life” a little. I see Devs wondering the same about how their lives would be if they found a pwd partner, so it makes me realize that we will almost always have some “what if’s” no matter which direction we choose. Btw, Welcome from the Rocky Mountains, ashpup! @tc123, thank you very much for this very personal, opened and honest post. I was thinking about creating thread "Do you regret", intended for devs who found their pwd partners, as well for those who "settled down" (try to read without negative connotation) for ABs. Do you have a feeling you are missing something? What did you have to sacrifice? But you advanced me. And I think you are right, no matter what your life is, there are always "what if" questions, especially if they depend on our own decisions, not on external circumstances.
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Post by Deleted on Jan 24, 2018 19:16:37 GMT -5
I knew it! Than we should all do our best to prevent you to "breed", for the sake of mankind! LOL [/quote] It seems the universe beat you to it.
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Post by missparkle on Jan 24, 2018 19:19:17 GMT -5
@ashpup, thank you for your answer, I know it is not easy answering to this kind of questions, not for anyone. I can only give you insight from my personal experience: I am very, I mean very engaged and invested aunt and play large role in my sister's kids' life. I spend a really lot quality time with them, even more then they parents, sometimes. BUT... It is not the same. It is simply not the same, it does not fill the gap and does not fulfill the need.
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Post by missparkle on Jan 24, 2018 19:24:05 GMT -5
@mrniceguy : "It seems the universe beat you to it. " On the other hand, it would be such a pity not to "breed" that sense of humor... That would be a great loss for mankind...
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Post by Deleted on Jan 24, 2018 19:30:48 GMT -5
@mrniceguy : "It seems the universe beat you to it. " On the other hand, it would be such a pity not to "breed" that sense of humor... That would be a great loss for mankind... Haha! Some of the nice folks here might disagree. It's funny though, I've had two people in the last year or so ask me if I'd consider being a sperm donor. Those were awkward conversations.
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Post by missparkle on Jan 24, 2018 19:52:39 GMT -5
@mrniceguy : "It seems the universe beat you to it. " On the other hand, it would be such a pity not to "breed" that sense of humor... That would be a great loss for mankind... Haha! Some of the nice folks here might disagree. It's funny though, I've had two people in the last year or so ask me if I'd consider being a sperm donor. Those were awkward conversations. Oh, so you are demanded goods! And... would you consider it? It is funny subject, you are right... Once I believed children should be made of pure love. But as I become older (and wiser of course ) the more I think about it, the more I am confused. When we breed animals we have such a high standards, trying to secure for the offspring best genetics possible. And when it comes to us, people, we leave it all to chances...
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Post by Deleted on Jan 24, 2018 19:57:51 GMT -5
As a quad, it's not an easy task. I don't think I would do it, anyway. It just seems weird to me.
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Post by Deleted on Jan 24, 2018 20:57:53 GMT -5
@ashpup , thank you for your answer, I know it is not easy answering to this kind of questions, not for anyone. I can only give you insight from my personal experience: I am very, I mean very engaged and invested aunt and play large role in my sister's kids' life. I spend a really lot quality time with them, even more then they parents, sometimes. BUT... It is not the same. It is simply not the same, it does not fill the gap and does not fulfill the need. Respectfully, it would not fulfill your need. I agree with you wholeheartedly that it's not the same. But where I beg to differ is that I believe there are different levels of intensity and different motivations for wanting children. For me, having children in my world that will grow up and still know me when I'm old, that's an important part of my need. Actually wanting to experience that unique bond btwn mother and child? That's further down the list. For me. Especially without my own mom there beside me. Everyone's life is like a pie, and not everyone is going to carve it into 10 symmetrical slices.
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Post by letstrythis on Jan 24, 2018 23:16:35 GMT -5
My endgame is to have a healthy family with 2 kids and travel as much as possible before I die the rest I don't care having kids seems like the common answer in this thread I don't think I'll ever be ready to have kids, it's just too much responsibility.
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Post by letstrythis on Jan 24, 2018 23:21:21 GMT -5
Just to be happy and what makes me happy is very fluid. I think if you get too specific, you’re bound to be disappointed. True, I try to not be specific, I just have a general idea of what I want
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Post by letstrythis on Jan 24, 2018 23:32:54 GMT -5
This is something I think about quite a bit as I enter my mid thirties and the question of kids looms large. My husband doesn't want any, so I'm unlikely to become a mom or grandma. That leaves a lot of open space for planning! I'm in the same mindset as your husband, I don't want kids. The super scary question that always comes with not having kids is "what are you going to do when you're old and tired? who's going to take care of you?" I know this question sounds selfish because you're only thinking about yourself but it's something that I always think about when people mention not having kids. I still don't know what's the answer to this question but I hope someday I will.
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