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Post by matisse on Apr 1, 2018 4:03:34 GMT -5
In my internet travels, guy wheelers have been mostly anti-dev. Less so than women wheelers, but still.
It's the whole "love me for me" thing. AB guys don't have that so much, but getting wheeled seems to change a lot of wheeler guys into that frame of mind.
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Post by lucretia on Apr 1, 2018 9:32:18 GMT -5
I think that a healthy amount of self-esteem is required to get this place: In my personal experience, it's still true for many disabled that we're trying to blend in as much as possible in our daily lifes. Limitations are dissociated from ourselves in favor of social conformity. It's also related to what another member described a long time ago with having BIID. The question is whether we're able to accept disability as an indivisible part of ourselves when made aware of it. Acceptance of ourselves is an important factor in self-esteem. If someone is used to rejection of disability in the context of romance, they'll most likely adapt to this rejection. That makes it hard to understand (and accept) the perspective of a dev. The guy you mentioned may come to a different conclusion in the future. I'd say, give it time for the thought of his disability being something desirable to grow on him. I'm not sure you need solid self esteem here, we've had our share of cocky dudes flame out. What you need is to just chill long enough to connect with a dev, then the self esteem comes and the 'oh, now I get it' light switch. Cocky and self-esteem are two very different things. Cocky usually is a cover for a very low self-image and an ocean of insecurity.
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Post by Hopper on Apr 1, 2018 9:36:16 GMT -5
Agreed, much like arrogance and confidence there's a fine line, but it's easy to distinguish between the two if you can figure out the signs.
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Post by nordic on Apr 1, 2018 9:43:00 GMT -5
I'm not sure you need solid self esteem here, we've had our share of cocky dudes flame out. What you need is to just chill long enough to connect with a dev, then the self esteem comes and the 'oh, now I get it' light switch. Cocky and self-esteem are two very different things. Cocky usually is a cover for a very low self-image and an ocean of insecurity. That. The "cocky" ones coming to my mind seemed more overcompensating for an evident lack of confidence. That's not self esteem in my eyes, it's more of a mask they wear. On that thought, this strikes me as a potential explanation for someone being into fetish parties but disagreeing with the concept of disability as a fetish: Most fetishes seem to involve a form of escapism - be it playing a certain role, doing things you normally wouldn't, etc. It's a willful decision to experience something you normally don't in your daily life. But you identify with it to some degree, even if it's something you just agree to explore out of curiosity. That brings me back to my point about acceptance - disability, unlike a mask, can't be taken off when you leave the party. If you reject it to the point that identification with it becomes impossible, you'll naturally reject the idea of disability being desirable. It's something that challenges your view of the world. I know very few people whose initial reaction is anything other than rejection if what they hold true is being challenged. Accepting a fundamentally new perspective takes a while.
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Post by robbb on Apr 1, 2018 12:15:30 GMT -5
He said it was worse to be liked solely for his disability than it was to be rejected for his disability. This for me is his fundamental mistake, I don't think any dev here is attracted to a guy 'solely for his disability'. I agree with the point made by others that he didn't take enough time to learn about the devs here and ended up making assumptions because of that. R.
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Michael
Junior Member
Hi, my name is Michael, looking to chat...
Posts: 99
Gender: Male
Dev Status: Disabled Male
Relationship Status: Single
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Post by Michael on Apr 1, 2018 12:30:40 GMT -5
For me, self esteem is a massive factor in my life. Sometimes I feel really good about myself and come on PD wishing to participate with both DEV's and PD's. I am still learning what a DEV is, and I find it difficult to ever think my disability may benefit me in any way. I kind of understand Annabelle where that guy was coming from as I too get rather confused - I just hate my disabiliity so much GRRRRR!
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lilyth
Junior Member
Posts: 74
Gender: Female
Dev Status: Devotee
Relationship Status: In a relationship
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Post by lilyth on Apr 6, 2018 0:34:26 GMT -5
I've only met one person from this message board, but I've dated other pwds I met on dating sites or just in the wild, and while I don't usually like...full-on drool devness all over people I date, I never purposely hide it or pretend I'm not into them at least a little bit for their disability - and I have never, ever had a negative reaction or had anyone reject it. But I see this come up often, and I am always bracing myself for a guy to reject it, because even my own brain knows there are bound to be people out there who wouldn't like it. Still hasn't happened. I feel like I must be finding unicorns or something!
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Post by Hopper on Apr 6, 2018 2:29:50 GMT -5
It really all depends on PWDs personalities and their own attitudes towards their disability. The more insecure they are about it, the more likely they are to lash out something they're unfamiliar with.
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Deleted
Deleted Member
Posts: 0
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Post by Deleted on Apr 6, 2018 5:09:08 GMT -5
In my internet travels, guy wheelers have been mostly anti-dev. Less so than women wheelers, but still. It's the whole "love me for me" thing. AB guys don't have that so much, but getting wheeled seems to change a lot of wheeler guys into that frame of mind. I’ve found quite the opposite. Most PWD females I talk to who mention devotees to me speak of male ones as if they are sexual predators
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Deleted
Deleted Member
Posts: 0
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Post by Deleted on Apr 6, 2018 7:10:28 GMT -5
I've only met one person from this message board, but I've dated other pwds I met on dating sites or just in the wild, and while I don't usually like...full-on drool devness all over people I date, I never purposely hide it or pretend I'm not into them at least a little bit for their disability - and I have never, ever had a negative reaction or had anyone reject it. But I see this come up often, and I am always bracing myself for a guy to reject it, because even my own brain knows there are bound to be people out there who wouldn't like it. Still hasn't happened. I feel like I must be finding unicorns or something! I've told a few wheeler friends about devs and their reactions were neutral. I feel like maybe the guys that react negatively are actually the unicorns, they're just more vocal about it.
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spinabifidaguy
New Member
Posts: 3
Gender: Male
Dev Status: Disabled Male
Relationship Status: Single
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Post by spinabifidaguy on Apr 6, 2018 7:30:48 GMT -5
Most of us disabled guys aren't seen in the wild because it is very very hard to access it - inaccessible trains, buses, planes and infrastructure and a lack of money to get there. We spend our time surviving.
And then there is the fact that many people are conditioned to find disabled bodies repellent and we wind up hating ourselves and even other disabled people.
I don't, but god its hard finding others who like us for what we are. To find people who do is like finding a diamond on the floor at Woolies.
That's why I'm (very, very) cautiously venturing in here.
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pneilson
Junior Member
Posts: 53
Gender: Male
Dev Status: Disabled Male
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Post by pneilson on Apr 6, 2018 11:30:20 GMT -5
In my internet travels, guy wheelers have been mostly anti-dev. Less so than women wheelers, but still. It's the whole "love me for me" thing. AB guys don't have that so much, but getting wheeled seems to change a lot of wheeler guys into that frame of mind. I’ve found quite the opposite. Most PWD females I talk to who mention devotees to me speak of male ones as if they are sexual predators I concur, theboulder88.
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Post by shape on Apr 6, 2018 15:32:42 GMT -5
For me, self esteem is a massive factor in my life. Sometimes I feel really good about myself and come on PD wishing to participate with both DEV's and PD's. I am still learning what a DEV is, and I find it difficult to ever think my disability may benefit me in any way. I kind of understand Annabelle where that guy was coming from as I too get rather confused - I just hate my disabiliity so much GRRRRR! Man, you have to accept it to fully understand devness. And that's only you who can reach that acceptance. But I'm sure you can!!
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Michael
Junior Member
Hi, my name is Michael, looking to chat...
Posts: 99
Gender: Male
Dev Status: Disabled Male
Relationship Status: Single
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Post by Michael on Apr 11, 2018 11:37:48 GMT -5
For me, self esteem is a massive factor in my life. Sometimes I feel really good about myself and come on PD wishing to participate with both DEV's and PD's. I am still learning what a DEV is, and I find it difficult to ever think my disability may benefit me in any way. I kind of understand Annabelle where that guy was coming from as I too get rather confused - I just hate my disabiliity so much GRRRRR! Man, you have to accept it to fully understand devness. And that's only you who can reach that acceptance. But I'm sure you can!! Maybe that's why I am struggling then? For me, if I hate my disability so much (maybe I'm lacking intellect) how on earth can a DEV find my DIS 'interesting'? I'm usually an open guy and I am feeling a little comfortable knowing that there are people who may not judge me. I will try Shape.
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Post by shape on Apr 11, 2018 13:09:37 GMT -5
Man, you have to accept it to fully understand devness. And that's only you who can reach that acceptance. But I'm sure you can!! Maybe that's why I am struggling then? For me, if I hate my disability so much (maybe I'm lacking intellect) how on earth can a DEV find my DIS 'interesting'? I'm usually an open guy and I am feeling a little comfortable knowing that there are people who may not judge me. I will try Shape. It's not about intellect, but positivity and time, I guess. Just take it easy.
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