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Post by Deleted on Sept 27, 2018 14:15:59 GMT -5
The other day I was watching a comedy on Netflix and there was a scene in it where the guy is with his crush but he’s very awkward with taking control. He asks her if he could kiss her. She replied with “You don’t get it at all do you? You don’t ask a girl to kiss her. You just let it happen.”
Thats when it hit me like a ton of bricks. The single difference I’ve found that makes those moments awkward for me comes from being the PWD. Unless she’s sitting in a chair across from me, I don’t know any other way to get the ball rolling besides asking her or hoping she takes the initiative.
PWDs, what is your approach when you’re into someone and you can sense the sparks ready to fly? For devs, what would be your approach from your point of view?
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Post by happyface2013 on Sept 27, 2018 15:45:33 GMT -5
Don`t mind tv. Asking for/if they'd like a kiss is perfectly okay at the rightish time. If they say no, that's their prerogative. Spontaneously going in for it could be troublesome in these times.
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Post by Deleted on Sept 27, 2018 16:56:27 GMT -5
Totally agree with the comments. The eyes are everything, no matter what words are said, the persons eyes will always show the truth. Good luck
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Post by Sir Paul on Sept 27, 2018 21:27:58 GMT -5
I struggle with the whole affection thing. Always have. My body language doesn't reveal much since I'm usually using all my resources (strength) to not fall out of my chair. Likewise, I don't have the strength to give little touches, hugs, or go in for a kiss when necessary. So I ask for the kiss or say "I want to kiss you," whatever feels right in the moment. On a few rare occasions, a real life woman has asked if it's okay to kiss ME! It's rare  |
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Post by Deleted on Sept 27, 2018 22:29:33 GMT -5
I’ve had it go all sorts of ways where I’ve asked, where the eye contact said enough, and I’ve had it laid on me unexpectedly. I was just curious if anyone else had ever thought this was a big obstacle when it comes from getting past a first date to the next phase. It’s certainly something ABs take for granted without even realizing what a luxury it is
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Post by someonerandom on Sept 27, 2018 22:49:02 GMT -5
The other day I was watching a comedy on Netflix and there was a scene in it where the guy is with his crush but he’s very awkward with taking control. He asks her if he could kiss her. She replied with “You don’t get it at all do you? You don’t ask a girl to kiss her. You just let it happen.” Thats when it hit me like a ton of bricks. The single difference I’ve found that makes those moments awkward for me comes from being the PWD. Unless she’s sitting in a chair across from me, I don’t know any other way to get the ball rolling besides asking her or hoping she takes the initiative. PWDs, what is your approach when you’re into someone and you can sense the sparks ready to fly? For devs, what would be your approach from your point of view? Maybe I'm excessively into the new consent culture thingie we have that seems to be catching on, but this: “You don’t ask a girl to kiss her. You just let it happen.” makes me think the screenwriter was a dude. And if you take it far enough, just sounds kinda rapey. But again, maybe I'm just being too sensitive or misunderstanding it.
Every time I get laid (or times that I don't) it begins with: "May I kiss you?". It shows that I care about the person's feelings enough to make sure they want to kiss, let's me know that I'm not misreading any signs, and clearly gets across what I want to do. Personally I recommend it, and I don't think it reduces my macho manliness either lol. I'm not saying my way is the only way, or is automatically the right way, but my way definitely leaves no room for doubt.
And to be honest, I only started doing this maybe 2 or 3 years ago. I was asking my friend about the first time he had sex with a girlfriend, and he said they waited a MONTH  And he said he asked her if he could kiss her. It was a novel thing to me at the time that you would ASK before kissing, but I've been doing it ever since. Shit is genius. |
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Post by wonk on Sept 28, 2018 1:32:09 GMT -5
You can't really go past the classics.
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junebug
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Post by junebug on Sept 28, 2018 2:32:51 GMT -5
I will back up someonerandom. Affirmative consent is super sexy, and makes me feel respected and feel respect for the person asking. This doesn't just include kissing, but with anything new that's introduced for the first time (i.e. beginning to unsnap a bra, asking "Is this okay?" etc.). |
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gimpygay
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Post by gimpygay on Sept 28, 2018 4:46:32 GMT -5
Perhaps this is just me but I could never make the first move with a Devotee. When it comes to Devs I am only attracted to men (I have never understood why when I am attracted to non-Dev women and, particularly, Disabled women. All I know is that with male Devs I am aroused by them taking control of the situation.
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Post by laur on Sept 28, 2018 8:45:59 GMT -5
I agree with many of the thoughts expressed in here. I don't think asking someone if you can kiss them is a negative. It's all about the delivery and making that question romantic. I also dig explicit consent and dudes who seek that consent, so for me, it's probably a bonus if someone asks to kiss me. I haven't been dating for a while, but I feel like this was pretty common when I was dating guys who were AB too. The most respectful guys at least tend to explicitly ask before progressing things forward to hooking up, which I think is cool and often done in a very hot way.
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Post by malibu on Sept 28, 2018 12:41:37 GMT -5
I agree asking is a good idea! Although I know many who were raised to be polite, so if the guy is a gentleman and asks, it is maybe harder to say "no" (compared to if he was a creep and went for it, then you can just pull away and stare at him with disgust)...I think a combination of both (reading the signs AND asking) is the best option, just to be on the safe side.
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Post by newjess on Sept 28, 2018 13:59:01 GMT -5
Well said malibu. I was thinking that too. And also that, something I've experienced many times is a guy putting the pressure or expectations on, and then asking if I'm cool with everything after they've pushed it on me. I've definitely said "yes" under the pressure, when really I wasn't entirely cool with it. Let me say I KNOW this is a grey area so I'm not trying to spark a debate about consent or anything like that, but more so just point out that I get the sense sometimes guys think if they ask if the other person is okay with everything, that means they respected that person, etc. But really it needs to be emphasized there is much more involved than just simply asking. Pressuring a person into saying yes is still really shitty behavior, even if you ask them if they are okay with it. It's just something guys should ALSO be aware of and sensitive to, that it's not JUST the "yes" that matters, but to really examine their behavior and determine if they pressured or pushed the other person at all, etc. |
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Post by laur on Sept 28, 2018 14:48:43 GMT -5
Well said malibu. I was thinking that too. And also that, something I've experienced many times is a guy putting the pressure or expectations on, and then asking if I'm cool with everything after they've pushed it on me. I've definitely said "yes" under the pressure, when really I wasn't entirely cool with it. Let me say I KNOW this is a grey area so I'm not trying to spark a debate about consent or anything like that, but more so just point out that I get the sense sometimes guys think if they ask if the other person is okay with everything, that means they respected that person, etc. But really it needs to be emphasized there is much more involved than just simply asking. Pressuring a person into saying yes is still really shitty behavior, even if you ask them if they are okay with it. It's just something guys should ALSO be aware of and sensitive to, that it's not JUST the "yes" that matters, but to really examine their behavior and determine if they pressured or pushed the other person at all, etc. Good point by you & malibu! I also think that sometimes people can ask a question in these types of settings and disregard the person if the answer is "no," or keep pressing onward trying to persuade them otherwise, which is also TOTALLY not okay. If you read their body language or the mood wrong and don't get verbal consent, not cool. Alternatively, if you're really feeling like the body language isn't there, pressuring the other person into giving verbal consent anyway by putting them on the spot is also not cool. This reminds me of the Tea Consent video. |
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Post by matisse on Sept 28, 2018 15:46:35 GMT -5
The other day I was watching a comedy on Netflix and there was a scene in it where the guy is with his crush but he’s very awkward with taking control. He asks her if he could kiss her. She replied with “You don’t get it at all do you? You don’t ask a girl to kiss her. You just let it happen." I think a lot of girls/women think this way and would prefer not to be asked--if she likes him. Maybe it's the influence of all the rom coms but it's still pervasive. |
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Post by darthoso on Sept 28, 2018 16:36:06 GMT -5
The other day I was watching a comedy on Netflix and there was a scene in it where the guy is with his crush but he’s very awkward with taking control. He asks her if he could kiss her. She replied with “You don’t get it at all do you? You don’t ask a girl to kiss her. You just let it happen." I think a lot of girls/women think this way and would prefer not to be asked--if she likes him. Maybe it's the influence of all the rom coms but it's still pervasive. My college roommate came over to our apartment after a date one night and said "we're not dating yet, I'm waiting for him to man up and kiss me". That said I'm not sure if someone like her be open to dating a PWD anyway. |
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And he said he asked her if he could kiss her. It was a novel thing to me at the time that you would ASK before kissing, but I've been doing it ever since. Shit is genius.
