Parenting these days

[linda]

Dear Paradevo members,

I have to rant a bit about something that really frustrates me more and more. Apart from letting off steam, I also hope for some useful advice since I‘ve come to appreciate the various interesting opinions and experiences from the PD community, even though this is totally off-topic, so to say.

I am single mother of three boys between 8 and 13. I´ve got the impression that the most required skill these days for successful parenting is motivation skills. No matter whether it’s the daily meals, homework, outdoors activities, you name it - nothing can ever just go smooth and easy. The things that I would have been happy and grateful for back then if my parents would ever have suggested them to me seem to be an unreasonable demand to my children. How come I have to convince them to go swimming in summer? Every meal on the table is fit for everyone’s personal liking - well, actually they are eating the same again and again every day since I am so tired of listening to the complaints (lemons: btw the miraculous beans I mentioned on the cooking thread a while ago are red beans from a can. Just rinse them and shovel a bottle of mayonnaise over them, it makes a nutritious part of a meal...)

I do my very best to provide my children with everything I consider necessary for a good upbringing. Music, sports, and also enough free time for themselves since children these days have so stuffed schedules. But what do you do if the addiction to media is so strong? I am deeply convinced that the focus on media to the extent young people are confronted with nowadays is harmful. After all, biologically humans are animals. We are meant to experience ourselves as a part of nature, use our bodies, climb trees, smell soil and so much more. And last but not least, we are social beings that need to interact with each other. I am terrified when I think of the young generation growing up in their own bubble. No ability to be with themselves alone. A constant sensory overload wherever you go - where can you still find silence and be confronted with yourself? - but also chosen. Everyone sitting at the bus stop is in their own world, earphones inside and totally unaware of the present surrounding. No interaction with the people around, let alone the awareness for less prominent things, such as the sounds around, the lighting, the smells or the feeling of the wind.
I also think it is necessary to enable our children to use media and there is no point in denying that it has become part of the daily life and also brings many benefits. But the extent is questionable. It scares the shit out of me to think what is to become of these people. And while we in our generation (I’m in my 40s) still somehow tilt at windmills, it is becoming less and probably decline. Scary.

I hate to sound like this, I know, every generation has complaint about the youth. But I think this time it’s different. Simply because the life style these days ignores the genuine human nature.

How do you think about it? Am I exaggerating? And do you have any suggestions how to handle children? I‘m hoping for some helpful answers. Thank you in advance.

[turbo234]

I'm not a parent linda so I'm not qualified to offer advice, but I share your concerns. As much as today's technology is a great thing and helps connect people (there are people here I cherish as friends I would have never met otherwise) I find it incredibly sad todays youth are glued to their phones. Its kind of funny to me though, that as restricted as I am, I get outside more than a number of people I know.

Have you ever taken them on vacation/camping where theres no wifi/electricity?

[pam]

Yes, I had the same problem with my kids, especially the 2 boys. They spent/spend a LOT of time playing games. My daughter not as much. It started when they were young, I'm ashamed to say that we let them watch DVDs so we could have some peace and quiet🙄. But we did, my oldest finished college and has a job and his own place and friends, but he he doesnt call me or his dad much. Dont know if that has anything to do with electronics or just his personality.

Like you, when I was younger, I was excited to go anywhere. My 15 year old would rather stay home in his room with his game. I hope it has no long term effects.

When they were younger they didn't like going to restaurants which I didn't understand. That was a treat to me. Maybe they just do it too often these days. Not sure of the answers.

We let my 15 year old join a health club this summer, which let him get out of the house. He went grocery shopping with his grandmother to help her out, just maybe think of small reasons to get them away from the electronics. We have supper every night with no phones. He would come on walks with me when he was younger, no phone.

I'm sure you will do a great job and your boys will turn out to be wonderful young men.

[Deleted]

Youre right, its so tough these days to be a parent. The lines have blurred so much between what was acceptable to us as children and whats acceptable to our children. The internet is a huge part of their lives, its all theyve ever known. So whereas we still think they should do things that we did, in reality its just not happening.
I always insist on no phones at the table and at some point in the day the wifi is turned off for an hour. They may still choose to stay in their rooms but often they will wander downstairs and chat.
Ive no other advice but have learnt to try and avoid head to head arguements with them as they will dig their heels in just to make a point. Often if i leave things go, they come round to the sensible option eventually.
I have developed in excess of the required skills for a United Nations Negotiator lol

[mike]

During the 20's & 30's, kids mostly worked because most of them lived on farms & had animals to tend to. In the 40's most farmers had tractors so the kids didn't have as many chores, & more of them lived in towns. They would find other kids & play games like 'kick the can' etc. Then by the 50's they had TV, so they stayed in a bit more, but as most TV was aimed at adults, they didn't watch a lot except on Saturdays when cartoons came on. In the 60's, more TV programming was aimed at kids, so they watched a lot more & outside play decreased. If your kid didn't stay on top of whatever was popular on TV, they were considered weird.

By the 80's there was a lot of TV aimed at kids including music channels. If your kid walked down the street looking for a ball game or something they would be considered odd. By the 2000's, video games became prevalent, and real-life interaction decreased markedly. If your kid didn't stay glued to computer games or video's, they were the odd one out.

Each generation the parents fretted because the kids no longer did the things their parents did as kids. In the 50's, kids became fascinated by rock & roll, and parents fretted about things like "If you play Elvis Presley backwards there are subliminal messages" etc.

Don't worry, although by the standards of YOUR generation, your child might seem odd, but by the standards of THEIR generation, they're normal.

[el_steveo]

social media is the blight of this generation. don't allow them on it. I know that's easier said than done. be their parent, not their buddy.

[AlrightyAphrodite]

From the no actual kids of my own I would love to suggest state parks, stargazing,geology or anything outside.

[devogirl]

My kids are much younger so we haven’t had to deal with this yet in the same way. It’s a lot easier when they are little to control exactly how much screen time they can have each day. I’m not looking forward to the fights over this in the future. I don’t really have any advice, but I think there are a lot of parenting advice books that have strategies to try.

But don’t blame yourself too much. Social media, video games and apps are by design highly addictive. It takes a lot of intentional work and effort to resist the addiction.

[Hopper]

I can't speak as a parent but I can speak as someone who has had negative, isolating experiences with social media and gaming.

I went out, sure but I was a creature of habit and never really had 'adventures' like kids/teens should instead becoming a stunted recluse.

Screens also had a negative impact on my attitude towards my education, forcing me to lose out on major, better oppurtunities.


In short, prolonged access to screens is incredibly dangerous at a young age and I would recommend to anyone to moderate and regulate heavily.

[SouthernCalGal]

linda, oh how I can relate. I think I gave up fighting the technology when she had a friend over and they were both sitting on her bed, in her room, back to back communicating via Snapchat 😵. I never could figure that one out.

Now at almost 18-the earbuds are in constantly! I am forever talking to her and forgetting she can’t hear a word I say. And, if you keep fighting for the “way it was” they think you are old and behind the times therefore making you irrelevant for the time being. Or, until they need something 😂.

Good luck. Don’t beat yourself up to much. You’re doing a great job mama!!!!

[SouthernCalGal]

I also would like to add to this thread the fact that we need to respect our kids way of communicating and their love for technology. Parents and those that are older (like me) need to keep up with how they communicate. Our kids and their contemporaries will be in the work force with us one day and we need to keep up. Likewise, we need to be mindful of those older and who might not have kept up with technology and respect their way of communicating too. 

I’ve taught my daughter the skill of letter writing. And, she will write notes and letters to older relatives understanding that they don’t use social media. Not a bad thing to teach.  

I sat through an 8 hour work training regarding “Communicating at Work Across Multiple Generations.” It really made me aware that we need to keep on progressing with the younger generations but it also gave me a better understanding on how to deal with  those who choose not to learn new things and progress forward.

And, this all coming from someone who is not that technologically savvy 😂😂.

[mike]

Here is an interesting phenomenon most parents experience: when kids are 10 & under, their parents are really smart. When they become teenagers, their parents are ignorant & out-of-touch. Then when they move out on their own, their parents become smart again. SouthernCalGal, what you described is simply the middle phase, don't worry, you'll become relevant again as soon as your kids need something.

[linda]

Oh noooooooo! I‘ve spent almost 2 hours now writing a long long reply, but when I pushed the send button, there was a error and all was gone. I cannot rewrite it all again now.

Thanks for all the good advise and words of encouragement.

[SouthernCalGal]

mike, I have had so many people tell me that.  She goes off to college in a couple of weeks.  I've heard that it changes back quite rapidly LOL!!  

[raindrop]

Hey!
Social media is both a godsend and a curse.
While living this nightmare I will make these suggestions... they are my experiences and I have had friends who have said that their kids wont have an issue then come to me after 4 or 6 months and ask for advice.
1. Kids get real anxiety when you take their devices. It is medically proven, so take their tantrums with understanding that they aren't being dramatic for nothing.
2. Establish rules you enforce.... in my car no one is allowed on their phone. They dont like it, they try to get away with it... but the rule is understood.
3. My 13yr old has limits placed on her phone.
She is allowed 3 social media apps. She is also not allowed to take part in popularity polls. We control which apps she can download. She is limited to a certain amount of time on each app and the phone shuts off at 10pm. I highly recomend apple products, since it is all built in. We also get a report on how long she is spending on her phone, and how much time with each app.
4. Earphones, I take earphones away if they cover both ears. It is rude and disrespectful when people talk to you and you dont answer because of earphones. Drives me batty. Our compromise is one ear covered one exposed.

I have had so many fights and arguments over this. It is horrible, so my biggest suggestion is go super strict and go all out with restrictions now while they are 13 and younger because once they get older it gets harder.

Be strong. After working with teens at risk I firmly believe that forcing your teen to spend time with you and enforcing strict rules is beneficial to all of you in the long run... plus it is easier to be lenient for short periods of time when the kids deserve it. Ex... right now until school starts she has her phone apps available until 11.

Hope that helps.