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Post by Braced4Impact on Oct 23, 2019 13:43:35 GMT -5
So I have to come defend the guy about the "it works comment." After I was injured and back on the dating scene, I was asked a lot if it was still even there, along with if it worked. I remember having a conversation about how hard it was for her to ask that. It was a long conversation, but it boiled down to she almost didn't want to go on a date, until I made it clear she could ask any personal questions that may be embarrassing. After that I had my own version of saying everything works. I think it was something like "my legs got blown off, but nothing else." I know that may not be all that important to all devs, but for guy's cocks that are working, it is kind of a big deal. I've had the question asked by devs and non-devs on occasion.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Oct 23, 2019 14:08:08 GMT -5
I've had the question asked by devs and non-devs on occasion. I just assumed that everyone knew that this is a very common question. I still don’t lead with it but I don’t shy away from it, either. And when I do have the talk with a potential partner, I always just start off with “sex with me is different than what you’re probably used to.” I’m not embarrassed or apologetic (about any part of my quadness, really) because it’s just how things are. Take it or leave it. But I don’t think they’re necessarily bad or overly shallow, either. I’m picky, too. But it still sucks that my dating pool is more of a rapidly evaporating puddle. 😉
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Post by Braced4Impact on Oct 23, 2019 14:36:19 GMT -5
I've had the question asked by devs and non-devs on occasion. “sex with me is different than what you’re probably used to.” Yeah, I'd say that too, but I'd mention there are whips, chains, and masks...never mind
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blindLeap
Full Member
The right-side-up edition
Posts: 192
Gender: Male
Dev Status: Disabled Male
Relationship Status: Single
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Post by blindLeap on Oct 23, 2019 15:02:31 GMT -5
“sex with me is different than what you’re probably used to.” Yeah, I'd say that too, but I'd mention there are whips, chains, and masks...never mind Hahahaha hello fellow kinkster
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Post by Deleted on Oct 23, 2019 15:10:07 GMT -5
“sex with me is different than what you’re probably used to.” Yeah, I'd say that too, but I'd mention there are whips, chains, and masks...never mind Tying up a quadriplegic is a little redundant. I’ve been thinking about a very dev-friendly blindfold touching game, though.
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Post by Deleted on Oct 23, 2019 15:29:20 GMT -5
Yeah, I'd say that too, but I'd mention there are whips, chains, and masks...never mind Tying up a quadriplegic is a little redundant. I’ve been thinking about a very dev-friendly blindfold touching game, though. You could always add "its also going to be a lot better than youre used to"
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Post by Deleted on Oct 23, 2019 15:42:42 GMT -5
Tying up a quadriplegic is a little redundant. I’ve been thinking about a very dev-friendly blindfold touching game, though. You could always add "its also going to be a lot better than youre used to" I don’t like to brag, but........ 😉
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Post by lars on Oct 23, 2019 16:46:09 GMT -5
So I have to come defend the guy about the "it works comment." After I was injured and back on the dating scene, I was asked a lot if it was still even there, along with if it worked. I remember having a conversation about how hard it was for her to ask that. It was a long conversation, but it boiled down to she almost didn't want to go on a date, until I made it clear she could ask any personal questions that may be embarrassing. After that I had my own version of saying everything works. I think it was something like "my legs got blown off, but nothing else." I know that may not be all that important to all devs, but for guy's cocks that are working, it is kind of a big deal. Hah! I would lose count if I'd try to remember the various ways I've been asked if my legs work any, in situations where the context makes it obvious it's about if my dick works or not. I'd imagine it's also something that's easily a source of frustration for plenty of PWDs out there, but it's also something that puts an AB woman in a new situation that's got all the potential to lead into an uncomfortable situations in which neither party knows what to, but both are feeling equally awkward. People tend to shy away from the unknown, especially if that unknown makes the girl question how to have sex with a 80 year old Stephen Hawking and if a PCA is needed as a third wheel. ( Heard this on Tinder, thanks to that stupid movie! ) I may be talking out of my ass as usual, but the lack of sensation seems to be as big of a deal as than the wheelchair in itself, if not more so. Knowing what one can do to tease and please another isn't so hard to understand, but it's something I could see many women feeling rather "disarmed" because of.
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Post by wonk on Oct 23, 2019 16:58:31 GMT -5
You could always use the old cliché:
If you haven't got it in the hips, make sure you've got it in the lips!
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Post by lars on Oct 23, 2019 17:06:06 GMT -5
You could always use the old cliché: If you haven't got it in the hips, make sure you've got it in the lips! Whatever you do, girls tend to notice if you're having a great time together or not..
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Post by SouthernCalGal on Oct 23, 2019 17:23:52 GMT -5
If you haven't got it in the hips, make sure you've got it in the lips! Oh wonk ! That just created a dev spike for me. Whew...(shakes head).
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Post by cilantro on Oct 23, 2019 17:31:55 GMT -5
In things like these, challenging the thinking and normalizing PWDs as people who can be seen as attractive, sexually active individuals is in itself at the core of a lot of things discussed here on PD. Should having sex with a PWD be something else than a horrible, depressing chore, it makes you wonder, if there would be a whole less shame associated? Instead of a repulsive chore to take care of, it would go a long way if the unthinkable act of someone having sex with a PWD could be seen as being no big deal. That could go a long way for the well-being of PWDs themselves as well, as a whole. It also made me wonder if media's often awful portrayal of devs as a "thing" is horribly having the goal posts on the wrong places, since the root of the problem lies in attitudes that portray PWDs as sexual undesirables, and a big part of the problem is the taboo around disabled sexuality in itself being something worse, something to be avoided? Is that something, that could have its source at troubles that us PWDs often have when it comes to adapting to their ( new ) disabled identity? Especially for the guys with an acquired disability like SCI, I doubt it would be outrageous to say that we're now writing about something that's at the source of a lot of insecurities that affect the quality of life quite a bit. Shit journalism that focuses on devness as a sexual attraction towards PWDs who are undesirable, poor wretches makes for an exceptionally bad starting point. While this thread is fantastic for highlighting some of the attitudes out there, and some of the attitudes are fucked up to begin with, it's good to come back to what you wrote about challenging people's thinking and expectations once in a while, no matter how slightly. I feel like I'm beating a dead horse here, but there's lot to be said about LGBTQ awareness and additudes, and how much both have changed, along with rights, over the last 20-30 years, and I do think that the portrayal of PWDs in media could benefit from a lot of exposure. As long as most of the journalism out there is going to be inspirational pieces with the focus on the difficulties adapting into disabled life, it's going to suck for all of us, and that's something that touches all of us on this board, both PWDs and devs as well. It sucks to conclude this, but it seems that fixing the root of this problem has a lot to do with you, guys. So, as proud and strong members of a minority, for God's sake, go out there and have some fun! Got to adapt to that hot, disabled life, dawgs, because you got to _represent!_ When it comes to changing some stuck-up attitudes on an everyday basis, it's the kind of judging that people do with their eyes, without knowing better. world out there and nothing works better than being out there on a beautiful day, with an attractive girl by your side, both having a blast, with laughing and smiles on both sides. That could be something that PD and devs could help you with, too, but also here, it all starts from adapting to your disabled life and having a life that can be seen as something else than a miserable fate. All I'm asking you to do there, is to go out there and have a good time, doing whatever. Work towards living a life in which you're having a good time, people will notice it - and even if they won't, you're having a good time being yourself, because that's all you've got. P.S. It also helps to lift some weights, to use an easily approachable, fast-looking manual wheelchair and try to look like you didn't start your day by eating a big bowl of bullshit on an internet forum. If you drive a handsome electric behemoth, you're probably better off trying to charm them with something else than your big f*cking biceps, but that's a whole another topic. There are plenty of women who find big-headed loudmouths unattractive, but you still got to have a good time being you, that's kind of mandatory if you want to a happy ending, too. edit: Well, it ended up with a surprisingly long and rambly post. The first part was more aimed at devs, the latter for the PWDs to change it. Yo, #Change 2020! SNAPS! Wow this post makes so much sense to me, and I definitely volunteer to be the girl by someone's side. I love changing the system!!!
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Post by blueskye101 on Oct 23, 2019 22:02:42 GMT -5
unknown, especially if that unknown makes the girl question how to have sex with a 80 year old Stephen Hawking and if a PCA is needed as a third wheel. ( Heard this on Tinder, thanks to that stupid movie! ) Ah, thanks lars, finally getting to my age group. 😉
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Post by devogirl on Oct 23, 2019 23:19:27 GMT -5
it's just so hard, when you're simultaneously trying to leave things out that could lead to some questions on her part, which could then lead to a semi-forced "outing". Yes! I really think being a dev got in the way of me pushing back more effectively. I was so stunned when he said “advocacy for severely disabled men” as the explanation for why this project was such a depressing, difficult, horrible thing. The first thing that popped in my mind was that earlier that very day I had blown off my real work for part of the afternoon to read erotica on the PD stories site written from the perspective of a man with CP and it’s so hot I can’t stop thinking about it. Like I literally can’t imagine seeing a guy in a wheelchair with severe athetoid CP and NOT thinking it’s the sexiest thing in the world. Ok, I know intellectually that most people don’t think that at all but it still is surprising when it sneaks up on me like that. So in the moment, I have all these sexy fantasies floating around in my head that I’m not going to share with casual acquaintances while our kids play, and it prevented me from clearly formulating a better, more forceful response than “I would do it.” What I should have said was, “Severely disabled men are just people like you and deserve to have someone advocating for them who can recognize their humanity. The way you are talking about them is degrading and wrong, and if that’s how she thinks of them, she should not be doing this work.” Oh well, maybe next time!
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Post by Emma on Oct 24, 2019 1:20:38 GMT -5
Oh well, maybe next time! This kind of stuff happens to me too. In the moment its so hard to respond the right way especially when it comes to dev thinking vs non-dev thinking. Maybe next time you will be ready with a response.
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