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Post by Amee on Oct 24, 2019 14:07:18 GMT -5
When it comes to changing some stuck-up attitudes on an everyday basis, it's the kind of judging that people do with their eyes, without knowing better. world out there and nothing works better than being out there on a beautiful day, with an attractive girl by your side, both having a blast, with laughing and smiles on both sides. That could be something that PD and devs could help you with, too, but also here, it all starts from adapting to your disabled life and having a life that can be seen as something else than a miserable fate. SNAPS! Wow this post makes so much sense to me, and I definitely volunteer to be the girl by someone's side. I love changing the system!!! Haha, cilantro I think this is the part when all the devs jump up and go:
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Post by pam on Oct 24, 2019 18:25:14 GMT -5
I'm not involved in too many conversations about this subject, but it happened a couple weeks ago. There's a couple I know in which the husband must have had a stroke as a child, because he limps and cant use his left arm or hand. I was at lunch with a coworker and we met up with the wife and talked to her a while. After she left my coworker said how lucky the husband was that she stayed with him because she was really attractive and he was disabled. I am ashamed to say I didn't say anything, but I'm not very good with quick responses. I think they are just a regular couple that have been together over 20 years and are very happy.
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Post by linda on Oct 24, 2019 23:19:04 GMT -5
As much as I understand the head-shaking over characterizing a person who is in a relationship with a PWD as someone with higher morals, I have to admit that it hasn’t been too long since I myself was one of them.
I have this friend who has been married for decades to a woman who is a victim of thalidomide – and now, as we are sensitive, may I use the term „victim“ in that context at all?
Anyway. Even though I would have secretly admired every person who would have told me they were in a relationship with a para, when my friend told me that his wife had no arms, my first thought was „what a good man he is!“ It simply didn’t occur to me that he could have chosen this out of attraction. I didn’t know about the mere existence of devs, I lacked the distance or awareness that it’s the same as me in green, maybe also since I hadn’t really admitted it to myself back then. Which is not even one year ago.
Only after joining PD, I learned more about it. And addressing it directly, my friend told me: „Yes, of course I‘m a dev. And there are so many of us.“ He told me how his wife was flooded with letters from admirers who seeked a romantic relationship with her. Which again makes me question whether we are so rare as it is often repeated here. Well, she is a public person, an activist on disability rights with impressive academic achievements as a lawyer, very visible in press and media and highly respected. That makes it more likely for her to have admirers. But we are talking about people who explicitly show interest in her as a sexual being, so assumingly devs.
I think you cannot blame a person for not knowing. As much as I understand that it is annoying to the people in a relationship to be confronted with this attitude over and over again and as much as I sense the lack of respect that is implied by the presumption that it requires some purer motives to be having a relationship with a PWD, I still think that it is somehow normal for people who just lack the experience. Then it’s a good thing to educated them.
I also felt this kind of joyful aggression to rub it in the faces of the people with a big smile when we got the stares of people who saw us together and loved to act out on it when I was out with my para boyfriend. But usually I think kindness and understanding is the better way.
That someone who has no understanding of PWDs is not the right person to do such a job as described in devogirls post is out of question.
Edit: no need to say, but since this post may give the impression that I was reducing attraction to sexuality, I would like to clarify that of course I don’t mean to do so. My devness is not mainly a sexual thing and you don’t chose a relationship with someone if it’s only the sexual part you are up for. I don’t mean to blame the devs who say it’s only sexual, since we had this interesting discussion here before. It’s just not my thing.
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Post by Emma on Oct 25, 2019 1:11:26 GMT -5
Woah. So just to clarify you have a male friend who is a dev and when you pieced together that he could be a dev you just asked him? I always wonder if other people I know who are married to disabled people are devs. I have never asked any of them though. I have no idea how I would even go about that. So how did you ask him.
Also don't feel bad, for years I had no idea there were devs who specifically liked paras. I imagined there must be some but just assumed that most devs were into amputees. Just imagine my surprise when I found this site.
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Post by linda on Oct 25, 2019 1:36:45 GMT -5
Woah. So just to clarify you have a male friend who is a dev and when you pieced together that he could be a dev you just asked him? I always wonder if other people I know who are married to disabled people are devs. I have never asked any of them though. I have no idea how I would even go about that. So how did you ask him. Also don't feel bad, for years I had no idea there were devs who specifically liked paras. I imagined there must be some but just assumed that most devs were into amputees. Just imagine my surprise when I found this site. Well, we are good friends. We met on an online dating site some years ago and liked each other a lot. But no wonder anymore why we didn’t really fit... 😂 (I have to clarify that he is separated from his wife. Not that you think I would date people who are in a relationship...) We hadn‘t been in contact for a while and he messaged me when I was on my adventurous trip of self-discovery in Finnland this April. I sent him one picture of me sitting on Lars‘ lap and he wished me a good time. When we met again, I asked him straight out. We‘ve always been very open with each other, so it was not a big deal for me to ask.
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blindLeap
Full Member
The right-side-up edition
Posts: 192
Gender: Male
Dev Status: Disabled Male
Relationship Status: Single
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Post by blindLeap on Oct 25, 2019 4:05:19 GMT -5
It's an understandable mindset just because of the way pwd often get misrepresented. Barring exceptions to the rule of course, it's pretty much still the "look how sad it is that this person has this disability" stuff we have been seeing pretty much since forever. Either that, or we get what is colloquially lovingly called inspiration porn, where a pwd does sonething that is so groundbreakingly awesome that it gets all AB folks up in arms ...you know ...like drinking a cup of coffee. :-) I am acting somewhat blassé about this, that is probably not good, but it is just a consequence of how often I have seen this happen. I have literally been applauded for when I crossed a two-lane street without dying and if that is the mentality it really can't be judged too harshly when someone has such thoughts about a relationship with a PWD. I don't like it, but I understand it enough to not tear everyone who spouts such idocy a new multifunctional orifice. I understand that I am going to have to build bridges one by one as a high-functioning PWD, because nobody is helped by blasting them with vitriole, satisfying as that may be at times. I am certainly no saint with this, but I do try
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