Online dating sites and being on disability

[midwestguy]

I couldn't live on a disability check. Why are you not able to work?

[foundinthought]

I don't really feel like going over that. It's a long story where I end up feeling like i'm just bashing myself in the face listing off the things going wrong.

Disability plus food stamps is enough to live on if you share a two bedroom apartment.

I'm particularly exasperated that the country may have re-opened too soon, and sent the virus back to square one and it'll have to be shut down all over again. Some stories I'm reading are that this could go on for another year or more. I really hope that's all false and it'll be all clear soon, somehow.
Otherwise that's going to be a long time stuck in this small apartment. I'm going to try to keep the irritability from bleeding into the rest of my life, and a job hunt wouldn't even be feasible. But this whole situation put together doesn't actually make me a mysterious man of mystery.

[ContingentlyComposite]

Maybe it makes me an asshole, but being unemployed is usually a dealbreaker for me unless it's very clear that the guy is otherwise doing super interesting and valuable things with his time. I know that's unfair given that circumstances often conspire to make employment difficult or impossible, but hearing that someone is living off of a disability check long-term is just unattractive to me. It conjures an image of an unshowered guy in sweats sitting in his basement playing video games all day. Even if getting a job isn't feasible, maybe you could make it more clear on your profile or in person that you spend your time doing valuable and interesting things that you're passionate about? Do you volunteer for any organizations or spend a lot of time on creative projects? Talking about those things might help combat the stereotyping and assumptions that come with living off of disability checks.

[Dr. BiPAP Sachin]

Jun 15, 2020 15:13:06 GMT -5 foundinthought said:

I'm particularly exasperated that the country may have re-opened too soon, and sent the virus back to square one and it'll have to be shut down all over again. Some stories I'm reading are that this could go on for another year or more. I really hope that's all false and it'll be all clear soon, somehow.
Otherwise that's going to be a long time stuck in this small apartment. I'm going to try to keep the irritability from bleeding into the rest of my life, and a job hunt wouldn't even be feasible. But this whole situation put together doesn't actually make me a mysterious man of mystery.

Hey, I'm on SSI but at the same time not giving up on looking for work online (primarily for adjunct teaching positions, to begin with) so that I can build myself up financially and no longer be dependent on SSI in the future. Have you considered hunting for online work?

[foundinthought]

Ok nevermind, I'm having a hard enough time fighting the depression as it was.

[Dr. BiPAP Sachin]

Jun 15, 2020 15:32:29 GMT -5 ContingentlyComposite said:

Maybe it makes me an asshole, but being unemployed is usually a dealbreaker for me unless it's very clear that the guy is otherwise doing super interesting and valuable things with his time. I know that's unfair given that circumstances often conspire to make employment difficult or impossible, but hearing that someone is living off of a disability check long-term is just unattractive to me. It conjures an image of an unshowered guy in sweats sitting in his basement playing video games all day. Even if getting a job isn't feasible, maybe you could make it more clear on your profile or in person that you spend your time doing valuable and interesting things that you're passionate about? Do you volunteer for any organizations or spend a lot of time on creative projects? Talking about those things might help combat the stereotyping and assumptions that come with living off of disability checks.

No, it doesn't make you an asshole. In fact, what it does is motivate us PWDs to make something of ourselves whether or not we are on what ought to be temporary government assistance, in my view.

[foundinthought]

I haven't been able to walk much in over a year. I've been calling and calling and trying, but I just can't get a wheelchair. Delay after delay after delay. I don't understand what's going on but again I'm being given the run-around and they aren't telling me why. I'll call again tomorrow and beg/demand/negotiate/etc. So I've been crawling on my hands and knees, or when I have to, going back to the crutches when absolutely necessary, although that can really hurt.
My kidneys were failing in the years past and I've been in an out of the hospital a lot. I went through a surgery that if I hadn't been on disability would have run over $120,000, and I would have died slowly and painfully without it. If I hadn't had disability at that time, I probably would be dead now. There's a chance I might finally be getting better but I won't know for a while.

I'm not looking for people asking me if I've done this or that. I made this post just looking to see if I could find a kindred spirit in someone who's gone through what I'd gone through. I thought this was the place.


You're free to like whomever you want, but... yes you're an asshole if your mind jumps straight to something so negative in regards to someone having hard time in life, especially when you know you're talking to a disabled person who could be suffering from all manner of health conditions and life experiences that you haven't heard about yet. What a horrid, horrid prejudice. Jesus, I already know from years of rejection that I'm unsexy, but you thought you'd add to the pile when you could have just not said anything.

I really walked into the wrong community.

[Deleted]

I know people that work and are lazy, boring idiots and people that don’t work who are interesting, fun and motivated. So I guess, like @contingentlycomposite said, just talk about the things you do that show your life has interesting and varied parts....... regardless of your employment situation.
It doesn’t have to be athletic or even outside. Maybe books you’ve read or experiences you’ve had. In order to appeal in the (very harsh) online dating world, your profile needs to reach out a little and interest someone. 

[ContingentlyComposite]

Jun 15, 2020 15:49:14 GMT -5 Dr. BiPAP Sachin said:

Jun 15, 2020 15:32:29 GMT -5 ContingentlyComposite said:

Maybe it makes me an asshole, but being unemployed is usually a dealbreaker for me unless it's very clear that the guy is otherwise doing super interesting and valuable things with his time. I know that's unfair given that circumstances often conspire to make employment difficult or impossible, but hearing that someone is living off of a disability check long-term is just unattractive to me. It conjures an image of an unshowered guy in sweats sitting in his basement playing video games all day. Even if getting a job isn't feasible, maybe you could make it more clear on your profile or in person that you spend your time doing valuable and interesting things that you're passionate about? Do you volunteer for any organizations or spend a lot of time on creative projects? Talking about those things might help combat the stereotyping and assumptions that come with living off of disability checks.

No, it doesn't make you an asshole. In fact, what it does is motivate us PWDs to make something of ourselves whether or not we are on what ought to be temporary government assistance, in my view.

 I think permanent assistance ought to be available, and that there's no shame in needing it. But I do think everyone should try to pursue something(s) they find meaningful and important in life whether through a job or something else. We shouldn't be deluded by our capitalist consumerist society into thinking that "making something of ourselves" is measured by how much income you can generate, or whether you generate one at all. One thing the pandemic has helped make more evident, which many of us may have already felt marching through the drudgery of working at a faceless corporation of some kind, is that most jobs in our current economy aren't remotely necessary or important, and that makes it difficult to feel like you're really making something of yourself, your life, even if you're employed and making plenty of money.

I'm sorry for my insensitive post foundinthought. Depression is hard and makes it so difficult to focus on and have the energy for the things that you care about, and things that might help ease some of the depression. Your employment status doesn't define who you are or your value, even if it can sometimes make dating more challenging. Wishing you the best.

[darthoso]

Jun 15, 2020 15:49:14 GMT -5 Dr. BiPAP Sachin said:

Jun 15, 2020 15:32:29 GMT -5 ContingentlyComposite said:

Maybe it makes me an asshole, but being unemployed is usually a dealbreaker for me unless it's very clear that the guy is otherwise doing super interesting and valuable things with his time. I know that's unfair given that circumstances often conspire to make employment difficult or impossible, but hearing that someone is living off of a disability check long-term is just unattractive to me. It conjures an image of an unshowered guy in sweats sitting in his basement playing video games all day. Even if getting a job isn't feasible, maybe you could make it more clear on your profile or in person that you spend your time doing valuable and interesting things that you're passionate about? Do you volunteer for any organizations or spend a lot of time on creative projects? Talking about those things might help combat the stereotyping and assumptions that come with living off of disability checks.

No, it doesn't make you an asshole. In fact, what it does is motivate us PWDs to make something of ourselves whether or not we are on what ought to be temporary government assistance, in my view.

Until Medicaid services are fully divorced from SSI and other assistance, no way. If you want to have a conversation then about cash assistance, that's fine.

[myrrh]

We've reached a point in society where we can afford to support people who are disabled. Assistance programs are a necessary public good; forcing a disabled person to work simply for the sake of working is some puritanical bullshit and I don't think anyone here is advocating for that. But thing is, unemployment often implies something more insidious: it implies that a person idles their time away, killing time with no concern except the day's entertainment. This shows a lack of initiative that is a complete deal breaker for me. Humans are amazing, I mean, look at the art and science we produce. So to me, idleness is refusing to participate in the human experience.

You can be unemployed and still be engaged with the world, of course. I would argue that employment is actually not even the important part- it just shows that you're able to direct your energy towards something productive. A lie of jobs are pretty bullshit anyway. I think a lot of people do a good job with staying active without employment, and some examples have already been mentioned. Volunteer for a good cause, get involved with a community, develop a deep understanding of things that interest you. Just don't be disengaged, don't be resigned to a life of complacency as you wait to grow older.

[sy]

You sound like everything's an excuse. We were all like that once if you became disabled later on. You just gotta try as hard as you can to leave an impact. I don't let shit limit me, most comedy joints in Toronto are not handicapped accessible so I have to either convince the other comics to hoist my chair up a flight of stairs, or ask someone to bring my chair up the stairs and I just crawl up there myself. Fuck some joints don't even have an accessible stage, so I literally perform eye level in front of the stage. To be honest I don't care if I make it or not I just want to try. You sound like you want a partner no girls going to want the guy who's given up, most devs don't care about money, they usually have good jobs themselves.

[Utahquad]

Dating sites can be brutal, so I would say don't give up but make sure you're not afraid to change things up. A lot of good tips already so far on just boosting the things you're into and not worry so much about work. Everybody is passionate about something, so just lean into that and hope somebody out there has the same feelings. Life is tough but if you can learn to live with yourself first, then incorporating others along the way is builds better relationships overall.

[devogirl]

I dated several guys who were on SSI, but they always had an answer to the "what do you do" question: taking classes at community college, music, art, writing, sports, volunteering, all things that gave their lives meaning if not a paycheck. It is unfortunate and discriminatory that people use "What do you do?" as an icebreaker with strangers but it is a fact, and you might as well come up with a good answer. Most people are not asking what your income is, they just want to know what occupies your time and what your interests and passions are. It's usually more about finding common ground.

That said, it sounds like your depression and health problems are the bigger obstacle to starting a relationship than your employment status. I also tried dating guys who had mental and physical health issues related to their disability, and it never went well. For what it's worth, they were always the ones who broke up with me, not the other way around. It's tempting to think that a partner will make you feel better about yourself but in reality, if you're struggling with depression, you will not be able to maintain a relationship. Times are hard right now with the pandemic and record unemployment but you've got to take care of your own mental health first before looking for a partner.

[foundinthought]

It seems people are placing the unemployed on a position of lesser value, that they have "make up for it" with various cultural constructions, to prove that validity that the employed doesn't usually have to. I know this from experience, from a time I was working. My job was enough; there were no further questions about how much art I was making or anything like that.

Times have been hard for 48 years. "Take care of yourself before finding a partner," they said, some decades ago. That's kind of toxic. Sometimes the fight to take care of oneself is lifelong and never truly won. But I haven't given up. I fight like mad for the things I love and just to live another year.

You all judging me? Where did you get your wheelchair? How did you pay for your degrees, if you've been to college or adult education? If you've got a car or a van, where did you get it? If any of those answers are anything other than "I got it entirely on my own without any help from anything or anyone," then STOP JUDGING ME.
My god, the unacknowledged privilege is absolutely oozing around here. I'm very, very disappointed.

But if you really did get absolutely all of it with no assistance at all, well, hats off to you, that is genuinely fantastic. I'm impressed. But most people had help. I did not,beyond the pittance that I get from disability and the vital medicaid that comes with it.

I think I may be in a den of Republicans, honestly, in which case, I'm out. Either way, I truly regret bringing up this topic. I'm kind of in shock.

Anyway, Darthoso, thanks for pointing out the connection between medicaid and ssi. It's troubling and strange; I think they should be separate but it seems they're not. Contingently Composite; it's ok. I should have tried to respond more gently.