...Tony's BLOG

[Pony]

[Pony]

Over here near the coastline it’s hot,and the sun is as powerful as July, yet it’s early October now. That’s Florida. It doesn’t start to give in to cooler, more refreshing, air until closer to Halloween, and even then we usually are pulled back into the oven for more browning. My skin stays dark year round, never returning to a lighter skin that is more natural to me.
I remember my younger years, in my early-20s, I lived outside Baltimore, and my complexion changed with the season. Summer I would brown up nicely, just the way I loved to look. However, the Northeast winter was long, sometimes brutal, never giving my shoulders and face a chance feel the warmth of sun I so craved. Sometimes I’d stand near a window, on the inside, letting the rays of sun thaw my frigid bones. I was like this before my accident, just imagine how this desire for sun was magnified after my wreck. Finding myself paralyzed, my temperature seemed to always be on cold, except when I was in the enveloping heat of my sweet sun.

I was so obsessed with it I’d often daydream of relocating to the Caribbean, or the Florida Keys. I was tired of shaking inside. So, two years after my car accident I decided to jump a jet to Miami where my father lived. I was desperate to start a new life, and I was dead set on getting to a warm climate where a jacket wasn’t needed.

I left Baltimore on a cold morning with snow drifts lining the roads. A few hours later I was landing in Miami. Staring out the jet’s window, I knew this was some kind of changing point. My life was either going to spiral downward, or rise from the ashes. My resurrection was hopeful but based on shaky ground. Nervous, yes, but more excited to leave my old fucked up self behind. This was a second chance to straighten out the screwed up, confused, aimless childhood, and beginning adulthood. I was in a new body, and that changed everything.

[jalapeno]

That seems to be a phenomenon amongst disabled folks -- especially with higher injuries -- we seem to be always cold and susceptible to the cold. I know many guys who moved away to relocate, seeking warmer climates. I am Canadian and I absolutely detest the 7+ months of the year where its cold. I am hoping to move to Vancouver in the near future, which is the warmest Canadian climate. Ideally, though, I'd like to live somewhere like Florida or California.

How did you like it when you moved? ultimately was it a good decision?

[Pony]

it was a great move...i've never felt the shakes like i used to get up north. I have the beaches and the warm months almost 9 months out of the year.

[Pony]

[Pony]

So, I've had a profile on Plenty of Fish for years, never gotten anything i was interested in. I got this message today from a lady I'd never be interested in anyway. I've been thinking of some funny responses to send back. What's yours? lol

I pray that your accident didn't make you not believe in GOD.
I pray you have a open heart to receive my humble prayer of faith, love, forgiveness, healing, miracles, and that your heart will ask God in your life, He will uplift you in every area of your life. In Jesus Christ mighty fine I pray..amen amen

[Deleted]

Funny responses are the best way to deal with things. I used to have a Plenty of Fish profile but never got anything but messages from fake people. It certainly is an intriguing place. Maybe I'll give it another go.

[Pony]

I've only gotten responses from women i'd never be interested in. You know, I have three long distance girls that are goodlookin, and we really have fun. i'll take that over the beasts that were interested in me from Plenty of Fish. The ones that I tried to contact were never interested in me, so that's how it goes... lol

[Pony]

Yahhh, i didn't answer her back....i don't give a damn,and it would only lead to more contact. I had a cousin that dropped contact with me over religion. I honestly try to avoid it, but when someone pushes me against a wall, i just tell them my lack of believing. I THINK i put that in my ad, not sure now. I respect others' beliefs, i just can't go along with most.

hahaa Thanks on sense of humor...gotta laugh at shit, or turn into a serial killer!

[Pony]

bLOG

Got in bed early last night, not feeling good...my bladder was ready to pop. Filled almost 2 bags, and i could tell right away it was UTI. When i emptied it this morning before i got up it was almost all blood. I haven't had a 'bad' in long time, but this one has had me sick, total fatigue all day. Starting out the day, i got the shakes, then POWERFUL spams that might've yanked me out of chair if it wasn't for my desk, which i grabbed underneath to steady the violent contractions in my back, and stomach. I took a muscle relaxer, and it subsided; however, so fucking tiredI can barely type. Crazy quad life!

Not driving today for fear earthquake spasm.

[Pony]

Getting better, ate some breakfst...first time anything tasted good for a few days. I was very weak yesterday, but feeling much stronger today...yeahhhhh

[Pony]

bLOG

Looking back, i was a ghost...I moved silently between classes I hated, nothing interested, and i had close to no friends. Only my buddy, Larry, who lived down the street from me, I could say we were buddies. He was a wrestler on the team, won state in his weight class, and beat my ass quite often. I handed him back his medicine when we ran, i was a good runner. I had moved around too much to make longstanding friends. My stepfather was a ego-driven, insecure punk that had a violent side when drunk. He kept us on the move like poor gypsies. There was only three places i found a home in high school, a place i looked forward to being. That was gym class bcoz i usually stood out, a piano class that i would disappear in my own head, playing, making up progressions and acting class. That acting class transformed me in one semester. Suddenly, i was popular, funny, had people in my hand. I couldn't believe it, the ghost had come to life. People knew my name, people called out to me in the hall. And girls? They started noticing me. I had em laughing through skits i did in class...actually, just like i had done in 6th grade. That was a weird year, as i was living in Florida Sheriff's Boys Ranch in small town, Live Oak, Fl. I had gone there to live because my family had splintered, no place to live, I started living with grandparents. They suggested this ranch to me, and it sounded fantastic with horses, sports, woods for camping, real stability. No one told me about the loneliness an 11-year-old could feel in a place with mostly older boys who could, at times, be predatory, abusive and emotionally damaging.

Anyway, all that was behind me when I discovered this talent in acting class. I had a girl crying with laughter. It was the best feeling a ghost could ever feel. i had this "thing", this new confidence, and i wasn't going to forget it. I knew my escape from my fucked up childhood was going to be expressing myself, in some area; writing,acting, music, whatever. It was my only skill, pleasure. I broadened myself as i got older, learning to look further, deeper, but for now, this was my calling. But every artist needs an audience. It doesn't work if you write, then never let someone read; playing music alone is masturbation. I remember to someone's party, the family had a piano downstairs, and i grabbed that baby and played all my improvised arrangements i created, surprising everyone. Hell, i was just some poor kid with a torn jacket. It was my first experience at breaking a stereotype.

[Pony]

bLOG

Ahhhh, what a frustrating yesterday! Started out ok, running around doing errands. It was hot, but not too bad, but I'd felt kinda dizzy all day, like i had to keep catching my balance- strange feeling, and i had no idea where it was coming from. I've been fight a UTI, but i thought the bad part was behind me. Apparently, i was wrong, as i started getting bladder spasms, like i wanna pee, but it wouldn't. I'm sure there's pain involved, but i can't really feel pain down there. Anyway, i had to do one more errand before going home, when suddenly my van dies right at a light, stuck in traffic. It's a fucked up, helpless feeling. In a panic, I called the cops bcoz they'd helped me before. Next, i called a buddy who lived around the corner, so he shot over. Him and the cop helped me to a parking lot, where i called AAA; however, they won't take me home; had to find a different ride. Long story short, my buddy n i thought it had to be fuel pimp or carb, so he climbed under, tapped the pump, and voila, got it started, and the best thing was, it was running right. I didn't trust it, so my friend followed me home.

I hadn't eaten all day, my spasms were getting really bad bcoz no muscle relaxers with me and my fucking bladder was giving me hell. I could feel myself getting sicker while all this shit was going on; once home i grabbed spaz pill and antibiotics, but no pill was going to cure this ill quickly. I was far down the highway of getting worse. Soon, the chills took over, but i did finally empty my bladder full of ugly pee.

I waiting at home today for a pump to come in at auto parts store and feeling better.

[Pony]

Angels


It had only been a few days since my doctor confirmed my suspicion that I would never walk again.  From the moment he uttered the words, “No Tony, this is permanent!,” it was a different world.  Up until then I really thought my paralysis was temporary.  They had told me once the bruising went down on my Spinal Cord I would regain my sensation and movement. or at least that’s what I thought they said.  Maybe I just heard what I wanted, or maybe they wanted to wait until I had recovered more before hitting me with the hard news. It had been a month since the car wreck that almost killed me, and I was just as paralyzed as that first night.  

Now it was clear to me. This was forever. It scared me to think how all this would play out. I mean my hands didn’t work, no sensation from collar bone down, couldn’t move myself whatsoever. If it all stayed like this, I couldn’t imagine having a life outside a nursing home at 21. A nurse told me I’d drive again, and that gave me some hope of normalcy, but at this point it seemed unlikely.

I was laying there alone in the dark of my hospital room that night, flat of my back, staring at the ceiling. What had I done to myself? What had I done to deserve this life sentence? How will I live in society? Will girls ever find me attractive again? A million questions ran through my mind. The impact was hitting me like nothing I’d ever felt. This was surreal.

I began to cry. I cursed my stupidity for driving drunk that night. Out of control, I lay there sobbing, trying to make sense of this where there was none. Sometimes things just happen in life. There’s no master plan. It wasn’t orchestrated by someone in the sky for me to break my neck. If you take reckless risks, then most likely something bad will happen. Sometimes, they just happen anyway, but driving drunk as hell with no seatbelt on is more than reckless, it’s asking for it. I never imagined anything this bad, but here I was. There was no taking that decision back.

As I lay crying, and choking, and muttering to myself, I felt a man’s hand on my forehead. A man’s voice followed. “It’ll be ok, son. You’re going to be alright,” he repeated over and over in a slow reassuring manner until my sobs turned to breathing. I couldn’t really see the man because of my flat position. so I have no idea what he looked like. Plus, it was dark. But I wanted to believe him, and so his voice was something to hang on to.

Here’s this stranger who must’ve heard me while passing my room, and knowing nothing about the circumstances I faced, reaching out to do the only thing that could be done- just offer words of hope. Simple words, really.

I didn’t need someone else crying, or asking questions, just hope.

Was he an angel? Maybe. He could’ve been.

Well, this figure of a man touching me with his hand and voice in my darkest hour most surely was an angel. I believe he was a man who cared enough to help calm a young man in a dire situation. Not an angel that appeared from heaven. No, just an angel from our world.

There have been so my angels that have touched me since my 2nd life started as a quadriplegic. So many have shown up at the right time to offer me a hand, or strength, or hope. They were all human- human angels. They’re the kind of angels I believe in.

They have made me want to be an angel to others. And so I have that distinction, too.

It’s empowering to be an angel to someone else. It’s love, really.

[Pony]

Got my pony riding again, it's been 5 days with no wheels. New carburetor, fuel pump/filter, battery. That carb was 34 years old and shot, battery shot, too. My buddy does great work on my baby, and I'm happy to have her back.