Feeling down about my devness :(

[lazuli]

The title says it all. I’ve just been feeling really low recently about my devness — feeling like I’ll never be with someone that I am actually sexually attracted to, feeling like I’ll never be able to be open and honest about this part of myself with the vast majority of people in my life, feeling like everything would just be so much easier if my sexuality hadn’t developed this way. Just posting this here to feel less alone with it all <3

[justmae]

Aug 4, 2022 23:03:44 GMT -5 lazuli said:

The title says it all. I’ve just been feeling really low recently about my devness — feeling like I’ll never be with someone that I am actually sexually attracted to, feeling like I’ll never be able to be open and honest about this part of myself with the vast majority of people in my life, feeling like everything would just be so much easier if my sexuality hadn’t developed this way. Just posting this here to feel less alone with it all <3

I can empathize with this, as I’m sure many dev’s can as well
I kept my sexual preferences secret from everyone for 24ish years - and felt like a sexual deviant/social pariah. It left me unsatisfied in every relationship I have been in, completely frustrated that my libido must be broken.

Always open to chat if you want to shoot me a pm as well.

[ayla]

Highly relatable, sadly. Hugs to you and my inbox is always open to a dev sister.

[Dani]

Sorry you are feeling down. It's so difficult at times, and there are really not many outlets for our feelings. Paradevo and Wheeler Connect are really the only places to connect with other devs and open-minded PWD.

[rebeckers84]

Yea I mean I think all I can do is echo all the other ladies. Something we’ve all struggled with or are struggling with and we are always here to chat, vent, listen whatever. You’re not alone!

[kat]

I feel you. The notion of being in a satisfying relationship seems like such a pipe dream sometimes. It really would be so much easier to have a dating pool that comprised more than a tiny percentage of the population, and that's without any of the other considerations for a relationship to work...

I've been mostly a lurker here for a long time, but it really means a lot to me to have this singular place where people actually get this part of me. Like the others have said, you are very much not alone.

[lazuli]

Thank you all for the kind and thoughtful replies to my original post. I know I'm not alone with these feelings, but it always helps to be reminded of it again (especially after so many years of being convinced that I was utterly alone).

Something that I'm struggling with right now is how to proceed with my dating life. I'm in my mid-twenties, and I've had a handful of relatively short-term relationships over the years -- all with AB guys (and one AB girl). These relationships have been variably fulfilling on romantic, emotional & intellectual levels. But whenever it came time for sex in any of my past relationships, I would close my eyes, go off to fantasy land, and hope that my partner wouldn't ask why I was closing my eyes (they never did). I truly was in love with some of my past partners, even physically attracted to them. But the sexual desire was never there.

What I'm concerned about now is that the things I'm looking for in a partner might be fundamentally contradictory. I am super outdoorsy and my hobbies include climbing mountains, skiing, surfing, skateboarding, running, etc. I've always thought it would be wonderful to have a partner who shared these interests and who would come on adrenaline-pumping adventures with me. The kicker -- my dev attractions tend towards the much more "severe" end of the disability spectrum -- athetoid CP, severe Tourettes, etc. The kind of stuff that would make it pretty difficult to do the kind of activities I love. I feel so ready to date but I'm trying to figure out if I should forego sexual attraction & try to meet an AB guy who wants to climb mountains with me. Or if I should accept that my partner and I are just going to have different hobbies and try to meet a disabled guy that I'm actually sexually attracted to. Or if I should go for open relationships and accept that one single person is never going to be exactly what I'm looking for?

I don't expect anyone to have the answers to this, of course! Just putting it out here in case anyone can relate/resonate. Much love to you all <3

[Dani]

These are very legit thoughts and questions, a lot to consider.
I think it comes down to every dev finding their own truth, and even if they think they found their truth, they may still get it wrong. Nothing is guaranteed, not the guy who climbs mountains with you and not the guy who is severely disabled and covers all your sexual needs.
You may meet the one and still want the other...shuffle this around however you want to. The old metaphor "The grass is not always greener on the other side" rings true.

You shouldn't settle, I think that is an important one. Follow your heart but don't let your devness control you in ways that you consider settling and that you are constantly unhappy with your current situation.
The devs here come from all types of backgrounds, married to AB, married to PWD, young, old, kids, no kids, careers, stay-at-home moms, or students, every ethnicity and every type of person you can think of. The thing we do have in common is to find our truth and try to be content with whatever situation we are in at the moment.
It's okay to keep dreaming but try not to let it taint the good things you already have in your life right now.

And sex is not everything...even the most passionate sexual encounter becomes normal with time. Sexual passion fades and has to repeatedly be ignited and worked on. Sex also changes over time in any long-term relationship, PWD/dev or AB/dev.
I've always felt that men and women need to let go of certain expectations when it comes to sex. It doesn't have to be a certain way to be "sex"; sex can come in so many forms. There is still a lot of pressure on people to "do it right," but it doesn't have to be that way. Take the sex with a "grain of salt", have fun with it but don't take it too seriously. It's also perfectly ok to think and fantasize of other people while you're having sex with your partner. Whatever floats your boat I would say. I know when I have sex with my husband, he imagines a completely different ethnicity than I am   and that's okay because my mind is in some crazy places as well 
The sex with the mountain climber or the PWD will change, no matter which one you find.

I would suggest that right now as you are still young, climb the mountain, be outdoors, do the things you love, and don't worry too much about the guy who is still out there somewhere.

[ayla]

Dani you are such a treasure of wisdom 💕

[Celaena]

That sucks. I'm sorry.

And I think others have said it, but true intimate attraction is so much deeper than the physical.

Maybe try to ask yourself the 5 why's classic interrogation technique. I have been thinking about this myself lately as I have been on a dev high from some writing I've been doing.

You like guys with disabilities.
Why?
Because XYZ
Why?

And drill down until you get to the heart of what it is and why.

For me, part of what draws me to acquired disability has very little to do with the injury itself, but more of the mindset of adapting and moving forward. I don't mean to diminish it like its inspiration porn, but the tenacity with overcoming an injury or disability is what draws me to those individuals

This may not be much help, but maybe trying to think about the why you are attracted to instead of the what you are attracted to could help you reframe your mindset?

Or just read some good smutty romance books and glory in the fictional dev fantasy! Happy to share some suggestions!

[shadow]

I agree with Dani ! You could pick any of your ideal hypotheticals and you can still be missing *something. Our needs as women change over our lives and what you want and need in your mid-twenties will likely be different than your wants and needs in your mid fourties. My advice is to find the person that you can see yourself wanting to make all of those life changes with. Pick the one you can foresee yourself still being interested in as a person in 10 years or 20 years. As a longtime wife of a pwd I will tell you that the dev sexual aspect also changes over time and you will probably still find yourself closing your eyes and wandering into dev-wonderland at times. Or always? You never know. 

Date! Live your life and experience a variety of people, then follow your gut. When it doesn’t feel right it probably isn’t, and when it feels too good to be true, it probably is. I definitely suggest you at least do try to meet and date some pwds. It’s better to know for sure if it’s even something that you can see yourself in and you won’t by haunted as much by the “what ifs” later down the road.

[justmae]

Remember that you are ALWAYS allowed to change your mind.
You have one life to live and everything and everyone will evolve and grow over time - what is true today does not HAVE to be true tomorrow, or invalidate that it WAS true yesterday.

As convoluted as that might be when I try to write it out... do what makes you happy and follow your heart and intuition.

[Inkdevil]

Nothing much to add to what others have said, apart from a lifetime of ‘what if’s?’ which doesn’t really achieve anything. Other than making yourself miserable. Trust me when I say being with a PWD may tick all the dev boxes, but not all the compatibility boxes. And the longer you are with that PWD, the more glaring your incompatibilities are if you haven’t chosen the right one to start with. The dev thing fades into the background the longer you are with them. What’s left is what you have in common.

If you spend 90% of your time up a tree/mountain, you may struggle finding enough to keep you together. Saying that, I follow some VERY active PWD’s on IG. They are into every sport imaginable. So don’t necessarily think your lifestyle can’t include them.

Finally, you are mid 20’s. You have SO much life yet to live. This moment in time doesn’t need to define the whole of your future path. I was 42 when I discovered PD and began to follow my true path. It’s never too late. Just enjoy it!

[ichbin]

Aug 5, 2022 16:23:51 GMT -5 lazuli said:

These relationships have been variably fulfilling on romantic, emotional & intellectual levels. But whenever it came time for sex in any of my past relationships, I would close my eyes, go off to fantasy land, and hope that my partner wouldn't ask why I was closing my eyes (they never did). I truly was in love with some of my past partners, even physically attracted to them. But the sexual desire was never there.

What I'm concerned about now is that the things I'm looking for in a partner might be fundamentally contradictory. I am super outdoorsy and my hobbies include climbing mountains, skiing, surfing, skateboarding, running, etc. I've always thought it would be wonderful to have a partner who shared these interests and who would come on adrenaline-pumping adventures with me. The kicker -- my dev attractions tend towards the much more "severe" end of the disability spectrum -- athetoid CP, severe Tourettes, etc. The kind of stuff that would make it pretty difficult to do the kind of activities I love. I feel so ready to date but I'm trying to figure out if I should forego sexual attraction & try to meet an AB guy who wants to climb mountains with me. Or if I should accept that my partner and I are just going to have different hobbies and try to meet a disabled guy that I'm actually sexually attracted to. Or if I should go for open relationships and accept that one single person is never going to be exactly what I'm looking for?

hi lazuli , 

I can relate to what you write a lot! 

My whole sexual life, with each and every partner I had, when it came to sex I had to close my eyes and go into a "head movie" (as we call it in German) situation where a PWD is involved. 

It's only now - and for the first time in my entire life - when I had sex with a guy with SCI who I feel very attracted to also personally (not just the body) that I actually had sex with the very person I am attracted to sexually. 

I closed my eyes and thought of pictures and scenes I had in my head of HIM (transferring, moving, well, actually, just sitting there in his wheelchair) and not of some random guys from YouTube.

It made me cry out so badly, out of happiness, out of relief, but also out of this deep pain and sadness that my whole life I never had what I call "good sex", meaning that in the moment I´m having sex, the partner I´m having sex with is all I want, his whole entity - intellectually, sexually, personally, romantically... - and I don´t have to get the sexual arousal out of other images which I collected in my head from random sightings throughout my whole life or from YouTube clips on the internet.

I am 42 years old now and it took all these years and a lot of psychotherapy to finally find out what I really want and to be personally developed in a way that I could actually go for it - with 100% determination. 

I would encourage you to go for what you are longing for sexually.

Regarding your hobbies: climbing mountains, skiing, surfing, skateboarding, running - it's kind of the same with me (everything except climbing and skateboarding) - I don't mind that I can't do certain things with my partner. One person can't fit it all. I can go for a run with a friend of mine, I can go surfing and have him watching me, we can go bicycling together (him with his hand bike). 

To me personally, this makes more sense than being with a guy with whom I can do all kinds of sports but who's not attractive to me in a sexual sense.

It's just so amazing to lie in bed next to him, caressing his legs or even just holding his hand is so special to me because he has a SCI. 

Throughout the day, watching him do transfers in and out of his car, watching him doing household tasks like cooking, gardening, doing the laundry, ... it's all so beautiful to me and makes me so happy being able to be around him. 

Lying in bed and not only seeing, but also just hearing him transfer from his wheelchair into the bed or from the bed into the wheelchair... OMG.... This is the best foreplay I have experienced my whole life. 

I would NEVER want to miss that again in my life... even if I had to do all my other hobbies all by myself. 😅

I wish you the best of luck to find what makes you happy, and just like justmae said: "you are ALWAYS allowed to change your mind. what is true today does not HAVE to be true tomorrow, or invalidate that it WAS true yesterday." I consent 100%

[Deleted]

In my eyes, you are a very courageous girl lazuli . I suppose, in a way or another, each and everyone of the fellow devs in here, have shown some sort of courage just by being and posting here. Just like all the girls, I relate 100%. I thought a little bit before posting, since the thread has been quiet for a couple of days but... I think, the feeling you describe, is unfortunately a recurring one for many of us.

I have read in some threads that devs experience attraction to PWDs in a wide variety of ways. From what I have understood in the thread, you were concerned about the sexual kind of attraction, which is also the one I experience... and to be honest, the one I'm also concerned about. I don't know why but in my mind (even though for others it might all be the same crazy stuff) I do think there is a slight difference between the sexual kind of attraction and the other ones. Maybe is this the reason why we tend to feel so down (and in my case guilty)? A friend of mine who is a paraplegic and made me realize I'm a dev has to constantly remember me, that I'm fine and we both enjoy a lot the sexual part of this attraction.

I'm a very empathic person (I hope at least) and although I live with the fact that the devness will be a part of a the sexual attraction in general... I'd hate to think that it could play the main role. I counsciously want to see this devness as an "add on" and not as the main feature. To be honest, it might sound weird I know but... you should take advantage of this "feeling that tries to put you down". Remember: "What doesn't kill you makes you stronger" . What I mean by that is: Feeling that was only shows, that you are a person who cares. A person who doesn't only think about the one moment's pleasure, but a little bit further. All your worries are more than justified and probably they won't go away completely but they show me that you are not a shallow person and I don't need to tell you that this a wonderful thing right?

As for the hobbies... just like ichbin said: "One person can't fit it all". Even AB couples don't do absolutely everything together. The one might loke bungee jumping, the other one might not. You know what I mean?. And besides that... why not turn the table a little bit. For example, where I live, ABs are allowed to play wheelchair basketball and I played myself at a semi-pro level. It's just an example but it gives you an idea of things where you as an ABP can be included rather than trying to adapt an activity to the PWD. I didn't like at the beginning, but as it turned more and more competitive, I started liking it a lot.

Oh... I almost forgot... there's one other thing that makes you (and probably all the other fellow devs here) different from many others. You are opening up and talking about it. Too many people keep everything for themselves and carry this weight alone their whole life. Here you can talk about it and have other people that will understand exactly what you mean.

Don't try to fight this feeling of being down too much. That will cost you precious energy and time. Try to keep it at bay and remember that this only remembers you, that you are a human being