drivetribe
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Dev Status: Disabled
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Post by drivetribe on Apr 19, 2023 8:41:07 GMT -5
Question for devs in able-bodied long-term relationships/marriages
Do you ever consider engaging in a one off or occasional liaison with a PWD to satisfy the dev impulse? With or without your partners knowledge? What reservations if any would you have about it?
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not THAT violet
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Posts: 133
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Post by not THAT violet on Apr 19, 2023 10:25:58 GMT -5
Kinda wondering about it right now, tbh. 😂 Only with someone who specifically attracts me like a regular partner, though; not just “I want to be with someone!” (And, to be clear: this is hypothetical, not with someone specific.) I am VERY committed to my husband, full stop. I don’t ever want anything to happen to our relationship, and I’m a very honest person anyway (and kind of a terrible liar ). So anything I did would have to be fully transparent with my husband, and I can’t see a situation in which I would accept anything else on a prospective partner’s side. If someone has a partner, I want to know about them and be able to talk about them in a friendly way, because THEY’RE an important part of a prospective partner’s life; why wouldn’t I care about that? I really don’t know how I’d begin to address it, though. I’ve started pushing a few boundaries with the result of getting more sexual with my husband, too, and that’s been quite pleasant. But I think I would rather keep a secondary relationship like that as a closed loop - keep trust high among everyone involved. The first time I acknowledged an actual crush on an actual PWD, I got pretty wound up with the gravity of this possibility after SO LONG. (I never met him in person.) My husband sort of paused and said, “Well, what do you want out of this?” Which sounds like a reasonable start to me. At the very least, I know it’s something my husband 100% can’t provide, and doesn’t want to (nor do I want him to!). Being with a disabled guy isn’t something I can’t live without, though. It’s just something that’d be the most delicious icing on the most delicious cake
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Post by ayla on Apr 19, 2023 11:25:35 GMT -5
I would never cheat on my husband. Like violet, I'm also a very honest person and terrible liar. I think if the communication has broken down so much in a relationship that cheating is even possible, then the relationship is in need of serious life support (or a humane ending). So, cheating is totally off the table.
However, I would love to find a pwd friend with benefits that would be okay with my situation. Husband and I have been talking about it for a while now and he agrees with me that this is an area of my sexuality that I should explore more. Even though it makes him jealous, that's something he's willing to work through. The ideal scenario for me/us would be someone who is also married or established in a life he doesn't want to alter significantly, so that we have similar expectations. Someone who can be patient and understanding while I negotiate all the details with my husband. I wouldn't go through all this hassle for just anyone; there has to be some really good chemistry and compatibility to make it worthwhile. I think sex improves with time and trust, so a 1 night stand doesn't appeal to me as much as an ongoing arrangement (perhaps yearly/a few times a year, not super frequently). It's a pretty tall order and one that hasn't rolled into my life...yet. I'm a patient person and I'm okay with the idea that this opportunity might never arise. It would be a bonus for me if it did.
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not THAT violet
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Posts: 133
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Post by not THAT violet on Apr 19, 2023 12:32:00 GMT -5
Yeah, I don’t think I’m really wired to be poly per se, and I REALLY REALLY REALLY don’t want to be in one of those situations where a flagging couple opens up the relationship because one person wants XYZ (read: is done) and the other feels left behind. Those usually end up as complete train wrecks.
So I don’t really know who to talk to about the logistics and emotions of this sort of thing. Like, there are lots of resources for the more kinky side of polyamory, and/or “The Ethical Slut,” or whatever. I don’t want that. I want to, like, bump out another room on my metaphorical house, or go to someone else’s 😂 Trust is very important to me in every situation, and I need to establish that right away.
My husband and I were both married before, and his ex cheated on him basically in front of him - would get texts from their friend/her affair partner and she’d start being super coy, giggling, going, “Ohhhh noooo, nothing…. You wouldn’t get it!” So I keep that in mind as my top reminder of what NOT to do.
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teshy
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Post by teshy on Apr 19, 2023 12:35:02 GMT -5
For me, it's not a problem at all. I'm bi, married for 12 years, in an open relationship for a couple of years now. My husband knows about my devness and is willing for me to have that experience. The thing is: it's not easy to find a pwd here where I live. And I don't know where to find someone haha
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Post by Dani on Apr 19, 2023 22:18:20 GMT -5
I'm going to piggyback on ayla 's post It pretty much sums up where I'm at with this as well. My husband is not jealous, though, of me wanting to explore this. When I got married, I was very young, and we didn't have access to this information. I don't even know if people actually already knew about something like devness. I know I was always a dev, but we didn't have a word for this. I knew I was different, and it just confirmed itself again for me as I've been reading my teenage diaries lately. Yes, I was definitely different when it comes to boys, but back then, we barely knew how to be "normal" in relationships and with sexuality. The world wasn't such an open place as it is nowadays, where you can, with the click of a button, gain access to an unbelievable amount of information. So, I got married to an AB guy, and I'm still married to him, and I plan on growing old with him. We had an adventurous life. As a matter of fact, we just recently talked about this once again how we'll take care of one another when we get old and when we maybe can't do things for ourselves anymore. We've been married for 32 years, and our marriage has definitely changed over the years, but it's still very solid; we also still enjoy sex. We've always been completely open with each other, my husband knows all of me. I also can't lie for anything, so it would never be an option for me to do anything secretly. I don't plan on leaving my husband per se, and even if another man came into my life with whom I could explore my devness further, I will still be loyal to my husband. So, yes, I need to find a guy who is alright with my situation. Ideally, it would be a FWB scenario, and depending on how invested I could be in this other man, I would like to also be committed to the FWB guy and kind of make our FWB relationship a regular thing we could hopefully both benefit from. This would not take place in our house, though. My husband and I have established certain rules already for this type of scenario. Like, my husband also wouldn't want to know about any sexual interactions. I'm also allowing my husband to meet other women, but he is not interested as he doesn't have any need for it. We've kind of educated ourselves on these things. I do believe it's possible to be happy and committed in a non-monogamous relationship, but it takes some planning and lots of communication. Unfortunately, my hopes are not very high of finding such a man who could be my FWB. I met one man last year who checked every box for me and who I hoped very much could be that FWB. We met, and it's like all the stars aligned, but I guess he wasn't actually okay with it even though he stated other reasons why he didn't want to continue our arrangement. I think it was mostly his character being an artist who was very absorbed in his art. I want to add that he made all the first moves from contacting me to wanting to meet me and also inviting me to his house. And he knew that I am married. So, honestly, I was very sad when this didn't work out, because he was everything I imagined. I kind of think it was my one shot as this man was local, and I want to meet someone who is at least in this state. I can't fly around the world for something like this. So, my opportunities are VERY limited. I'm not on any dating apps because I just don't have the nerve for it, and as ayla also wrote, I am okay if the opportunity doesn't arise anymore. Maybe this was my one shot, then so be it. So I invest my dev energy in writing and, hopefully, reaching women or continuing to connect with devotees and PWD on a friendly level and trying to build bridges that way. If I can reach women through my writing or being out there publicly as a dev and they reach out to me because they realize they are not alone with their feelings, then I am ok with that.
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Post by Dani on Apr 19, 2023 22:22:12 GMT -5
For me, it's not a problem at all. I'm bi, married for 12 years, in an open relationship for a couple of years now. My husband knows about my devness and is willing for me to have that experience. The thing is: it's not easy to find a pwd here where I live. And I don't know where to find someone haha I have that same problem, I don't know where to find someone here in my area
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Post by devman1950 on Apr 20, 2023 4:26:09 GMT -5
Absolutely, all the time ai have done it also
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drivetribe
New Member
Posts: 13
Gender: Male
Dev Status: Disabled
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Post by drivetribe on Apr 20, 2023 9:29:30 GMT -5
Thank you for your illuminating answers, they were very helpful to understand the general mindset on this topic. Follow-up question: has anyone pursued this type of arrangement (FWB etc.) successfully in reality? What were your experiences like? What works and what doesn't?
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Post by Quad787 on Apr 20, 2023 16:27:10 GMT -5
Wow. This has been an illuminating thread indeed. I like the idea of an arrangement, myself. I've had a few relationships along these lines over the years, though never with a Dev.
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Post by ayla on Apr 20, 2023 16:34:05 GMT -5
I will say that finding a poly/kink friendly couples' therapist can be a big help in navigating this sort of thing. It's useful to have a dedicated space/time to contain some of the messier and more emotionally difficult discussions, as well as a neutral party to help you troubleshoot. Having any sort of non-standard "arrangement" means throwing out the old school rulebook of what relationships are supposed to be like and co-creating something that meets your needs as a couple. I've been with my partner since 2005 and I will say that even the conversations around opening up led to new avenues of thought and discussion, something that seemed practically impossible after so long together. Even without following through in real life I think there have been some definite wins just by approaching our relationship in this new way.
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Post by ayla on Apr 20, 2023 16:45:52 GMT -5
Forgot to mention re: couples therapy, DON’T wait until there are problems to consider this option.
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not THAT violet
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Posts: 133
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Post by not THAT violet on Apr 20, 2023 17:13:44 GMT -5
Heh. I’ve only told something like seven people about being a dev (in connection with my real name and identity) and four of them are friends from this board 😂 I’ve never, ever told a therapist.
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Post by Quad787 on Apr 20, 2023 17:41:06 GMT -5
Heh. I’ve only told something like seven people about being a dev (in connection with my real name and identity) and four of them are friends from this board 😂 I’ve never, ever told a therapist. I'm curious why you didn't tell a therapist. Did you not think it was relevant to the therapy? Or just too awkward to disclose?
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not THAT violet
Full Member
Please, no unsolicited “sup?” PMs :)
Posts: 133
Gender: Female
Dev Status: Devotee
Relationship Status: Married/Domestic partnership
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Post by not THAT violet on Apr 20, 2023 17:46:26 GMT -5
Well, the reasons I’ve sought therapy at various times haven’t been particularly dev-related… even when I had couples therapy for my crappy first marriage, this would have been something like #823 on the list of why we weren’t working, even if I’d shared it with him.
Mostly it’s just the awkwardness.
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