jakeonwheels
Junior Member
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Posts: 81
Gender: Trans
Dev Status: Disabled
Relationship Status: Single
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Post by jakeonwheels on Jun 4, 2024 14:12:42 GMT -5
It's not that it seemed like your experience with apps is the only one that matters. It's just that, sadly but honestly, it's not very unique. Almost everyone struggles with them, even conventionally good looking able bodied people who are looking for same. Everyone on Paradevo faces an even bigger challenge than the general population so we know the difficulty. But even without that: the apps are literally designed not to be super successful. And you have to remember also that these apps are taking the place of what used to be just seeing someone in public and starting a conversation. That's all you're doing. Saying hi. "Matching" and chatting with someone is basically meaningless -- as meaningless as a conversation with an interesting/attractive stranger in an elevator or bar. My advice is to remember that all you're doing there is mingling, not interviewing candidates for Your Person. Thank you, this kind of advice is very helpful to me. I think I don’t understand the significance assigned to each kind of interaction. I don’t know if you caught above but I’m Autistic as well and have almost exclusively dating men for like a decade. And the social rules and agreements are just different. And it feels like I’m having to learn an entire new language. Especially bc now straight ladies are asking me out too and I have no idea what they expect of me or what that social rule set is like. (I also never thought I’d see the day that straight women would look me straight in the face and say “Trans men are men, you’re a man, I date men. Simple.”) But I came out super young and never even dated a straight person so when I say I know NOTHING about straight dating culture I mean I’ve seen a lot of it on tv I guess? So those little nuggets are like, priceless. I struggle to fit in and learn the rules and vibe of a place so thank you all for holding space for me to do that.
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Post by mnquad07 on Jun 4, 2024 14:37:58 GMT -5
maybe people, and not all, think they are "dev" but when it comes down to it, maybe they are not. Sure, texting, talking, going on dates, might go okay but when it comes down to it... When things get romantic and/or serious, they can't handle it. Of course, that could be the case with anyone and everyone.
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Post by Dani on Jun 4, 2024 19:59:45 GMT -5
Yeah, I won't go to Disneyland to find wheelers, that sounds strange even writing it down. But thanks for the suggestion
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Post by Sova on Jun 5, 2024 0:39:31 GMT -5
I was talking to this woman on Bumble and we were getting on like a house on fire and she shared that she had some mental health issues. I shared that I had my own as well and also that I had just got out of the hospital. She just broke it off and told me it was bc I had just gotten out of the hospital. Of which she had no context or even how we got on in person and she pulled the plug. And it’s just like, I’m so hurt and so tired of being rejected for this. First of all. No one owes anyone attraction, a date, romance, anything for any reason. Anyone can opt out at any time for any reason and that’s their right. But it hurts so much for that to be the reason, AGAIN. I just wish I knew what it was like to date without conditions and to be able to not have to worry about how being disabled is wearing them down and driving them away. I’m not really clear on how to meet devs and the non devs abled women I’m meeting on the apps are just… I don’t know I keep feeling like everyone’s experiment. Like I truly don’t get it we go on these dates, laugh our asses off, have a great time, but it’s friends everytime. And it’s wonderful to meet new friends and I’m glad that I’ve nurtured those relationships and kept them alive… but I want more you know? I want to be loved romantically. I dunno. Just bummed out. Not really sure what I’m looking for. Maybe tips? I advertise clearly that I’m both trans and disabled so it’s not like these folks don’t have 0 idea of what they’re getting into. I just wish I knew what I was doing wrong. I mean obviously I’m doing part of it right bc they want to be my friend and keep hanging out with me, right? I imagine it’s hard enough for abled people to date and layer on disabled and it’s just like, dating is in hard mode. I would like easy mode, I just want to know what that feels like. What do yall do? Just hunt through bumble and the like and hope that someone is ok with your disabilities? Is there a secret bat signal I can use to find devs? How do you all DO this? I think an important question that you need to ask yourself is: Who would you rather be stuck alone with in the woods? This woman or a Quad? 🤔
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jakeonwheels
Junior Member
![*](//storage.proboards.com/forum/images/stars/star.png)
Posts: 81
Gender: Trans
Dev Status: Disabled
Relationship Status: Single
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Post by jakeonwheels on Jun 5, 2024 15:08:28 GMT -5
I was talking to this woman on Bumble and we were getting on like a house on fire and she shared that she had some mental health issues. I shared that I had my own as well and also that I had just got out of the hospital. She just broke it off and told me it was bc I had just gotten out of the hospital. Of which she had no context or even how we got on in person and she pulled the plug. And it’s just like, I’m so hurt and so tired of being rejected for this. First of all. No one owes anyone attraction, a date, romance, anything for any reason. Anyone can opt out at any time for any reason and that’s their right. But it hurts so much for that to be the reason, AGAIN. I just wish I knew what it was like to date without conditions and to be able to not have to worry about how being disabled is wearing them down and driving them away. I’m not really clear on how to meet devs and the non devs abled women I’m meeting on the apps are just… I don’t know I keep feeling like everyone’s experiment. Like I truly don’t get it we go on these dates, laugh our asses off, have a great time, but it’s friends everytime. And it’s wonderful to meet new friends and I’m glad that I’ve nurtured those relationships and kept them alive… but I want more you know? I want to be loved romantically. I dunno. Just bummed out. Not really sure what I’m looking for. Maybe tips? I advertise clearly that I’m both trans and disabled so it’s not like these folks don’t have 0 idea of what they’re getting into. I just wish I knew what I was doing wrong. I mean obviously I’m doing part of it right bc they want to be my friend and keep hanging out with me, right? I imagine it’s hard enough for abled people to date and layer on disabled and it’s just like, dating is in hard mode. I would like easy mode, I just want to know what that feels like. What do yall do? Just hunt through bumble and the like and hope that someone is ok with your disabilities? Is there a secret bat signal I can use to find devs? How do you all DO this? I think an important question that you need to ask yourself is: Who would you rather be stuck alone with in the woods? This woman or a Quad? 🤔 I don’t get the question… is this a call back to whether or not a woman would rather meet a man or a bear on the trail?
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jakeonwheels
Junior Member
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Posts: 81
Gender: Trans
Dev Status: Disabled
Relationship Status: Single
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Post by jakeonwheels on Jun 5, 2024 15:15:09 GMT -5
Yeah, I won't go to Disneyland to find wheelers, that sounds strange even writing it down. But thanks for the suggestion No problem! I’ve just met some really great folks waiting for the accessible car for the tram and abled folks able help me carry trays of drinks or whatever. So I wanted to mention it. It is a little weird to think about going looking for people in places but it truly is one of the only places I see disabled people and abled people interacting and existing side by side, it makes me really happy.
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Post by Sova on Jun 5, 2024 15:51:03 GMT -5
I think an important question that you need to ask yourself is: Who would you rather be stuck alone with in the woods? This woman or a Quad? 🤔 I don’t get the question… is this a call back to whether or not a woman would rather meet a man or a bear on the trail? You would be correct, sir. The bear and Quad in this hypothetical exercise are interchangeable as they both have claws ![](https://cdn.shopify.com/s/files/1/1603/1175/products/Katmai_Bear_Claw_082418-2490_2048x.jpg?v=1530324462) ![](https://i.ytimg.com/vi/0XfghcLo_lI/maxresdefault.jpg)
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jakeonwheels
Junior Member
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Posts: 81
Gender: Trans
Dev Status: Disabled
Relationship Status: Single
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Post by jakeonwheels on Jun 6, 2024 0:07:44 GMT -5
I don’t get the question… is this a call back to whether or not a woman would rather meet a man or a bear on the trail? You would be correct, sir. The bear and Quad in this hypothetical exercise are interchangeable as they both have claws ![](https://cdn.shopify.com/s/files/1/1603/1175/products/Katmai_Bear_Claw_082418-2490_2048x.jpg?v=1530324462) ![](https://i.ytimg.com/vi/0XfghcLo_lI/maxresdefault.jpg) Well, the dates I’ve had picked me and now we hang out and are friends and stuff and I’m really glad. ![:)](//storage.proboards.com/forum/images/smiley/smiley.png) I just felt confused and a little hurt bc I felt snap judged, I think that’s just human. I think I wandered into a loaded topic not fully understanding the dynamics here. I’ve been dating men or other queer people my whole life until now and my straight women friends have told me online dating was terrible and dangerous for women bc of straight men’s entitlement. I didn’t think that saying I was disappointed a specific connection didn’t work out would put me on the bear scale but I can understand why it would. So I’m sorry this bothered you.
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Post by Sova on Jun 6, 2024 1:27:32 GMT -5
You would be correct, sir. The bear and Quad in this hypothetical exercise are interchangeable as they both have claws ![](https://cdn.shopify.com/s/files/1/1603/1175/products/Katmai_Bear_Claw_082418-2490_2048x.jpg?v=1530324462) ![](https://i.ytimg.com/vi/0XfghcLo_lI/maxresdefault.jpg) Well, the dates I’ve had picked me and now we hang out and are friends and stuff and I’m really glad. ![:)](//storage.proboards.com/forum/images/smiley/smiley.png) I just felt confused and a little hurt bc I felt snap judged, I think that’s just human. I think I wandered into a loaded topic not fully understanding the dynamics here. I’ve been dating men or other queer people my whole life until now and my straight women friends have told me online dating was terrible and dangerous for women bc of straight men’s entitlement. I didn’t think that saying I was disappointed a specific connection didn’t work out would put me on the bear scale but I can understand why it would. So I’m sorry this bothered you. I was piggybacking your thread here to take an opportunity to roast my Quad brethren, just to see if they’re still awake. Nothing against you or your dating situation. But just for the record, which would you choose and why?
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Post by justnick on Jun 6, 2024 7:10:53 GMT -5
Well, the dates I’ve had picked me and now we hang out and are friends and stuff and I’m really glad. ![:)](//storage.proboards.com/forum/images/smiley/smiley.png) I just felt confused and a little hurt bc I felt snap judged, I think that’s just human. I think I wandered into a loaded topic not fully understanding the dynamics here. I’ve been dating men or other queer people my whole life until now and my straight women friends have told me online dating was terrible and dangerous for women bc of straight men’s entitlement. I didn’t think that saying I was disappointed a specific connection didn’t work out would put me on the bear scale but I can understand why it would. So I’m sorry this bothered you. I was piggybacking your thread here to take an opportunity to roast my Quad brethren, just to see if they’re still awake. Nothing against you or your dating situation. But just for the record, which would you choose and why? Some of us quads hunt bears.
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jakeonwheels
Junior Member
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Posts: 81
Gender: Trans
Dev Status: Disabled
Relationship Status: Single
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Post by jakeonwheels on Jun 6, 2024 11:29:53 GMT -5
Well, the dates I’ve had picked me and now we hang out and are friends and stuff and I’m really glad. ![:)](//storage.proboards.com/forum/images/smiley/smiley.png) I just felt confused and a little hurt bc I felt snap judged, I think that’s just human. I think I wandered into a loaded topic not fully understanding the dynamics here. I’ve been dating men or other queer people my whole life until now and my straight women friends have told me online dating was terrible and dangerous for women bc of straight men’s entitlement. I didn’t think that saying I was disappointed a specific connection didn’t work out would put me on the bear scale but I can understand why it would. So I’m sorry this bothered you. I was piggybacking your thread here to take an opportunity to roast my Quad brethren, just to see if they’re still awake. Nothing against you or your dating situation. But just for the record, which would you choose and why? I’m sorry. Smacks face. I get literal and don’t always pick up on the joke. Honestly, I would pick the para. I need more disabled friends more than I need a partner and based on her reactions to some other stuff I said that pinged the yellow flag alarm (just two, was looking for more context to see if the alarm was right or not) I wouldn’t want to be alone with her. I don’t know if it gets talked about here but something that really scares me is the power abled partners have over disabled partners. That things happen behind closed doors and power over dynamics begin to form. I’ve survived a lot of caregiver abuse and as far as I’m concerned abled people are who I’m in danger from.
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Post by Dani on Jun 6, 2024 13:20:13 GMT -5
Are you going there now? There is something called psychological abuse as well...it doesn't have to be physical at all. And that damage is invisible...
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