jakeonwheels
Junior Member
![*](//storage.proboards.com/forum/images/stars/star.png)
Posts: 81
Gender: Trans
Dev Status: Disabled
Relationship Status: Single
|
Post by jakeonwheels on Jun 3, 2024 15:21:45 GMT -5
I was talking to this woman on Bumble and we were getting on like a house on fire and she shared that she had some mental health issues. I shared that I had my own as well and also that I had just got out of the hospital.
She just broke it off and told me it was bc I had just gotten out of the hospital. Of which she had no context or even how we got on in person and she pulled the plug. And it’s just like, I’m so hurt and so tired of being rejected for this.
First of all. No one owes anyone attraction, a date, romance, anything for any reason. Anyone can opt out at any time for any reason and that’s their right.
But it hurts so much for that to be the reason, AGAIN.
I just wish I knew what it was like to date without conditions and to be able to not have to worry about how being disabled is wearing them down and driving them away.
I’m not really clear on how to meet devs and the non devs abled women I’m meeting on the apps are just… I don’t know I keep feeling like everyone’s experiment. Like I truly don’t get it we go on these dates, laugh our asses off, have a great time, but it’s friends everytime.
And it’s wonderful to meet new friends and I’m glad that I’ve nurtured those relationships and kept them alive… but I want more you know? I want to be loved romantically.
I dunno. Just bummed out. Not really sure what I’m looking for. Maybe tips? I advertise clearly that I’m both trans and disabled so it’s not like these folks don’t have 0 idea of what they’re getting into.
I just wish I knew what I was doing wrong. I mean obviously I’m doing part of it right bc they want to be my friend and keep hanging out with me, right?
I imagine it’s hard enough for abled people to date and layer on disabled and it’s just like, dating is in hard mode. I would like easy mode, I just want to know what that feels like.
What do yall do? Just hunt through bumble and the like and hope that someone is ok with your disabilities? Is there a secret bat signal I can use to find devs? How do you all DO this?
|
|
|
Post by Dani on Jun 3, 2024 16:29:05 GMT -5
Honestly, I doubt that the only reason for her breaking it off is that you were in the hospital. Maybe she just thought that you have a lot going on in your life with your health and mental stuff, and she has a lot going on, and it would be difficult. To me it seems that if you have a lot going on in your life and are still trying to figure things out yourself, it's adding on more stress to have another person in it and maybe people can feel that. I honestly would not want to be with someone who has a lot of mental baggage because I'm dealing with my own stuff and don't want another person to be unstable. I like people who have their lives together, able-bodied or disabled, it makes no difference. We all have our better or worse days, everyone deals with stuff, but I would want to be around people who have it figured out mostly and have their life together, positive and stable vibes. Somehow I get the feeling that your need to find someone is something that you think you need to feel better about yourself and your situation. If that is the case, then I think people can feel that and it may be a deal breaker.
|
|
|
Post by Dani on Jun 3, 2024 16:45:45 GMT -5
And you also need to remember that the number of devs is very low. You won't find devs on every corner and so the chance to find someone you match with is pretty slim. You shouldn't only focus on devs anyway, but be open to other people, too. This is something that dev and PWD have experienced alike...finding the right match in our already limited dating/relationship pool is very slim. Some people are lucky and find someone, but we are spread out all over the world, so it's not that easy to find someone who aligns with our preferred character and physical traits.
|
|
|
Post by ayla on Jun 3, 2024 16:59:03 GMT -5
I don’t think there’s a single person on this board that is dating on “easy mode.” All we can really do is try to be our best selves, FOR ourselves, which also results in better quality relationships with others.
|
|
|
Post by sungod on Jun 3, 2024 17:13:38 GMT -5
Boy, a few things to unpack here.
Given that she wasn't specific about why she cut things off, you really can't feel that bad in this isolated incident. Depending on her type of mental health issues, there may have been something going on internally (flared through talking with you or not) that got her to an unhealthy spot. Modern dating might be filled with "windowshopping" and ghosting, but poor mental health is notorious for vague departures.
I don't need you to share every detail about how you were "getting on like a house on fire", but you might consider what sort of connection you were truly building. Was it deep and meaningful, or was it a sudden wildfire of sharing hobbies, interests, and sexual tensions? I had a previous relationship that caught on like wildfire too. We exchanged messages for couple of weeks, the first date was amazing, and she started staying full weekends within a few weeks. We went on several many road trips, and we felt like this was it. No more dating. By month 3, there were strong personality differences that showed we just weren't right for each other. My point being: even if you think you have something AMAZING together, it's important to still take a step back and look at the bigger picture.
I've online dated as a C4/5 quad for too many years. As much as I would love to be able to use apps to find devs, I've definitely never been expectant of that. I have no advice for you to modify your approaches to find a dev in your area. I do agree that it's really hard dating with a disability. Can we humans naturally judge books by their cover, so getting through initial screening on dating apps is pretty low success. But low success isn't the same as no success.
I started dating a woman toward the beginning of this year after being single for over three years. Shit, after a few weeks of exchanging messages when we first met on bumble, we had set a date for our first date... two days later I had a seizure-induced hospital stay for five days. I had seemingly ghosted for a few days (bc I was unconscious in the hospital), I had to postpone that first date by a week, and I still wasn't quite myself for at least the first month. Even so, the solid connection we had started building over messages was enough to give her hope that this could be something.
There were times when single life was frustrating because you can't decide to go on a bunch of dates with a bunch of people to "get back out there" when a very visible physical disability keeps you held back at the door. Remember that the age old adage of "if you're not happy with your life when single, you won't be happy in a relationship" is just as true for anyone with a disability.
While I've never had the dating life of going on first date after first date (after first date after first date after first date…) to find the right person, it seems like online dating as a PWD can help cut out all of the terrible first dates and guide you toward a good match instead. If given time. Without making it the first or second message exchange, I try to be upfront with people about my timeline and express that it takes a little more trust for both of us before moving to a first date because she generally needs to either drive us together or meet me somewhere near my home. Through that, you can both have a better idea if the match is right before even getting to a date.
It goes without saying that being your natural self while exchanging messages and on the first few dates is so important. I hope that you don't seem so down in the dumps on your dates, or that might push some people away too.
|
|
|
Post by loveonaroll2 on Jun 3, 2024 17:34:17 GMT -5
I’m sorry you’re going through that. I met a girl of hinge and her dad was in a wheelchair and we were hitting it off too and she just told me she needed some space because she was consumed by her own personal problems and everything so I totally understand what you’re going through because it happened out of the bloom
|
|
|
Post by loveonaroll2 on Jun 3, 2024 17:34:39 GMT -5
Blue *
|
|
ynnyng
New Member
Posts: 5
Gender: Male
Dev Status: Devotee
Relationship Status: Single
|
Post by ynnyng on Jun 3, 2024 17:50:56 GMT -5
Dating on apps tends to be difficult and disappointing. I can have a great conversation with a guy and the next day I get ghosted entirely. Which obviously I can try to understand their position but sometimes it just feels better to have that closure as to why things had to go separate ways
|
|
|
Post by Corey on Jun 3, 2024 17:53:56 GMT -5
Hmm I think I would say it's important to manage expectations. The vast majority of conversations on dating apps will go nowhere. A few will lead to dates but most of those dates will go nowhere. Every now and then some of the dates will lead to a relationship, but most of those will also go nowhere after just a couple of months. I know it is fun sometimes to get caught up in the thrill of talking to a new person, where you get so excited you set your house on fire or whatever... I don't really understand the metaphor. But for your own mental health and protection you should always be aware that it probably will lead to nothing, so just relax and try to enjoy yourself next time, with fewer expectations
|
|
|
Post by ayla on Jun 3, 2024 20:36:10 GMT -5
Some really great advice in this thread.
|
|
melaney23
New Member
Posts: 13
Gender: Female
Dev Status: Devotee
|
Post by melaney23 on Jun 3, 2024 21:20:57 GMT -5
But for your own mental health and protection you should always be aware that it probably will lead to nothing, so just relax and try to enjoy yourself next time, with fewer expectations I completely agree with what everyone is saying in this thread. Basically, online dating sucks-- I've truly never met anyone who has never been frustrated and annoyed by it. On a different note, I wonder if you frequent any LGBTQ spaces. I know your post is mainly centered on disability (which makes sense given the nature of this forum). I bring that up, though, because in my experience young queer people are, on average, more understanding about disability.
|
|
jakeonwheels
Junior Member
![*](//storage.proboards.com/forum/images/stars/star.png)
Posts: 81
Gender: Trans
Dev Status: Disabled
Relationship Status: Single
|
Post by jakeonwheels on Jun 4, 2024 0:16:56 GMT -5
But for your own mental health and protection you should always be aware that it probably will lead to nothing, so just relax and try to enjoy yourself next time, with fewer expectations I completely agree with what everyone is saying in this thread. Basically, online dating sucks-- I've truly never met anyone who has never been frustrated and annoyed by it. On a different note, I wonder if you frequent any LGBTQ spaces. I know your post is mainly centered on disability (which makes sense given the nature of this forum). I bring that up, though, because in my experience young queer people are, on average, more understanding about disability. The queer community loves to PRETEND to care about disability and accountability and from what I’ve see. It’s been a big nothing burger IME. :/ I mean I’m trans and queer as rainbow sunshine in June but that hasn’t helped.
|
|
jakeonwheels
Junior Member
![*](//storage.proboards.com/forum/images/stars/star.png)
Posts: 81
Gender: Trans
Dev Status: Disabled
Relationship Status: Single
|
Post by jakeonwheels on Jun 4, 2024 0:50:16 GMT -5
Honestly, I doubt that the only reason for her breaking it off is that you were in the hospital. Maybe she just thought that you have a lot going on in your life with your health and mental stuff, and she has a lot going on, and it would be difficult. To me it seems that if you have a lot going on in your life and are still trying to figure things out yourself, it's adding on more stress to have another person in it and maybe people can feel that. I honestly would not want to be with someone who has a lot of mental baggage because I'm dealing with my own stuff and don't want another person to be unstable. I like people who have their lives together, able-bodied or disabled, it makes no difference. We all have our better or worse days, everyone deals with stuff, but I would want to be around people who have it figured out mostly and have their life together, positive and stable vibes. Somehow I get the feeling that your need to find someone is something that you think you need to feel better about yourself and your situation. If that is the case, then I think people can feel that and it may be a deal breaker. I mean yes I would assume all that other stuff factors in, I was lumping that all under "went to the hospital" to keep it simple. Problem is that it sucks to be rejected for mental health disabilities just as much as it does for physical health disabilities. I don't know how you build strong supportive networks of care and communities that are required to care for disabled people in healthy ways without being willing to be with people in their messiness. Because being disabled is messy sometimes. It's not that I need it to feel better about myself or my situation it's that I've always wanted it. I have always been partnership oriented while my peers were exploring having fun and sleeping around I just really wanted to meet my person. And I thought I had. But there was a lot of deception happening in that relationship that I had zero idea about so I don't know if what I felt was real or not. If there's a need for something... like when I really think hard about it... what I need is to be fully seen and still be chosen and loved. Which, that should be easy right? Thanks for giving me stuff to chew on. I certainly hope I'm not giving off the vibe of "prove to me love is real" or something like that. If I am... Uh... I dunno. I just, with the Autism I have very little guile or ability to deceive so they probably are picking up on concern. So all that to say Yes and here's my clarification.
|
|
jakeonwheels
Junior Member
![*](//storage.proboards.com/forum/images/stars/star.png)
Posts: 81
Gender: Trans
Dev Status: Disabled
Relationship Status: Single
|
Post by jakeonwheels on Jun 4, 2024 0:58:48 GMT -5
And you also need to remember that the number of devs is very low. You won't find devs on every corner and so the chance to find someone you match with is pretty slim. You shouldn't only focus on devs anyway, but be open to other people, too. This is something that dev and PWD have experienced alike...finding the right match in our already limited dating/relationship pool is very slim. Some people are lucky and find someone, but we are spread out all over the world, so it's not that easy to find someone who aligns with our preferred character and physical traits. I hope you don't find this offensive, I mean it lovingly and with respect: From what has been shared with me from a dev perspective it really really feels like pre-aids era gayness.There's a lot of hiding, of shame, of feeling bad and guilty and wrong about liking what you like, about being told it's wrong by other people etc... so the hanky code was developed, different colors meant different things, the pocket you wore it in denoted top or bottom etc... I'm NOT saying appropriate the hanky code, but I think that if ya'll came up with a way to make yourselves visible only to each other you might find that there's a lot more out there than you think. And probably there are legit less devs than gay men but now we've got the internet. Who's to say you don't make it a silent meme to like, add a blue corner to your profile pic to "flag" you're a dev. I dunno, might be worth something finding out.
|
|
jakeonwheels
Junior Member
![*](//storage.proboards.com/forum/images/stars/star.png)
Posts: 81
Gender: Trans
Dev Status: Disabled
Relationship Status: Single
|
Post by jakeonwheels on Jun 4, 2024 1:01:05 GMT -5
I don’t think there’s a single person on this board that is dating on “easy mode.” All we can really do is try to be our best selves, FOR ourselves, which also results in better quality relationships with others. Oh 100%. That's why I came here to vent about it to other disabled daters.
|
|