Compatibility with ABs

[Chan]

I'm someone who had years' and years' worth of experiences with both AB and dis partners. Overwhelmingly, the sex I had with AB partners was something I suffered through from a young age and generally found extremely unpleasant, painful, and gross. Meanwhile, my experiences with disabled partners was overwhelmingly positive and fulfilling, and I'm glad I was able to have so many different opportunities. Eventually, though, the reality was that finding true longterm compatibility with a dis partner was statistically unlikely to happen, so I just kind of resigned myself to forcing things with AB men, which never works out.

Then it dawned on me recently that I should look into dating asexual ABs who were into the romantic aspect of a relationship but with no sexual obligations. I've met a couple people now, and it seems like the most likely long term solution for me, despite the available people seeming to have a lot of fucked up backgrounds and unresolved emotional problems.

That being said, does anyone else have such a strong aversion to sex with AB men? It puts me in a difficult situation because it knocks out a significant portion of available partners. I've been in a dev low for several years now, and it's not something I actively look for anymore; it has a lot less importance in my life. Opening myself up to something with asexual AB men has been an interesting turn of events, but there have been some wild revelations and experiences so far.

[ayla]

Chan! How wonderful to see an update from you. Hope you've been well.

I can completely understand your strategy here and I think it can definitely work with the right person. I know of at least one dev who has a longterm cohabiting asexual partner. I myself am in a similar situation; although neither my husband nor I are asexual, the sexual aspect of our relationship has been over for some time. We transitioned to a loving, supportive, "family" type bond and opened the marriage to allow for relationships with others. Currently he has a steady girlfriend who he sees a few times a week. It is working well for us so far at least! We are coming up on 19 years together, 11 married, and 2 open. We are still one another's "ride or die" and he is probably my biggest cheerleader in being a dev.

[Chan]

Wow! I'm happy to hear you guys found an arrangement that works for both of you. So far, I've had one asexual potential partner tell me that as long as there was no emotional connection, I could pursue anything dev-related, which is nice. I think that long-term that would end up being the best case scenario for me - having true compatibility and support emotionally/mentally/physically (I still like cuddling and affection with ABs) with none of the sexual pressure or burden, and then being allowed to explore anything regarding dev stuff when I feel like I need to.

I've only just recently opened myself up to the world of asexual dating, and I'm happy it may end up being a logical solution because it literally just never occurred to me before the last few months!

[ayla]

Of course, it's still a huge challenge to find compatible disabled guys in the first place, much less those open to a non-monogamous arrangement... It might be a tad easier as a single person. But, as you said before, finding a longterm compatible partner with a disability is statistically very unlikely to happen. I'd rather have a secure but sexless home base and take a little hit to my odds at finding a pwd, rather than stay single with slightly less terrible odds at finding a disabled partner.

[ayla]

But one thing I really dislike about the arrangement is the impression it gives, the impression that disabled guys are somehow secondary or unworthy of a primary relationship. I can totally see how it comes across that way and I hate it, because it really couldn't be further from the truth. It's just that they are so difficult to find and there are so few, compared to the number of able bodied guys. I could probably find ten or more able bodied guys who could be compatible partners in every way *except* sexually before I could find even ONE disabled guy who is compatible in every way *including* sexually.

[Chan]

I hear you on preferring to have a secure home base as the main priority; sex comes secondary to being with someone I'm genuinely emotionally and mentally compatible with. So often in PWD/dev relationships people are matching with partners they wouldn't necessarily be with otherwise just because the dating pool is excruciatingly small. And then on top of that, finding someone you're attracted to, live in the same country as, share the same values and lifestyle with, find intellectually stimulating/share similar humor and media taste with ... it's basically just impossible. There's significantly more compromise involved.

[ayla]

It's a hard pill to swallow but that's just the way it is for us devs!

[lisa]

I've tried sex with AB several times and with different guys, but I would say that I have a strong aversion against it. It was never nice or pleasurable for me. Maybe I'm the one ayla was referring to, I do have an AB partner nevertheless and we have been together for almost 10 years now. It is also more a family-like type of relationship. But, and this is something that to this day I never found in any relationship with a PWD, I know that I can rely on him. He is there for me and that's what I need. A rock I can lean on, someone I can trust. Yes, it is not a typical relationship with sex and stuff, but it is what you called secure home base.

Still, it seems that it isn't enough for me to be fully content, so I have been dating PWDs for the past years (with the knowledge of everyone involved). It's been quite the ride, to be honest. Maybe the devness makes the whole thing more intense, but yeah, the odds of finding someone fitting in all the most important areas are still so low... :-(

[strawberrybubblegum]

I’ve been single for 1,5 years for the first time since I was a teenager and am now slowly feeling ready to start dating again. I’ve also been on a dev low for several years now. Interestingly, it hadn’t even crossed my mind to try dating PWDs. I only realized this while going through this thread. Going into this whole dating thing consciously for the first time ever, I also find it hard enough to even meet someone who “ticks all the boxes” as is. I’m actually super relieved I don’t feel the urge to be with a PWD anymore. Luckily, I must admit, I am able to enjoy being with AB men. I wonder how I’ll feel when I’m having a dev high again, which I think is an inevitable thing to happen sooner or later.

[laur]

I’m married to an AB man, and the trickiest part of our relationship has been our sex life. I consider him to be my best friend and my partner in a bunch of very important ways… but I don’t have much sex drive with him. I think the main culprit with that is that I’m so intensely a dev, and have been my entire life, as I never have been super into sex with any AB partner outside of him either. I’m glad I at least have that knowledge and can accept that’s who I am.

My husband and I still do have sex, just less frequently. He‘s been pretty cool about this, and we have good communication. Luckily, I very much do still enjoy other intimate activities like cuddling and making out with him.

[eve]

Thank you for writing this! I am coming to accept that I am in the same position and looked on asexual dating sites (underwhelming to say the least...) for the first time 2 days ago. It sounds like you've had some fulfilling experiences with disabled guys, which is awesome! I wish I could find more around here. So the story goes. Just wanted to let you know you're not alone and that you've put into words very well how I feel. Wishing best of luck to us all in the search! haha

[cilantro]

I have had this same issue with AB sex and my aversion has definitely ended some relationships that I was really excited about in every other aspect Now I find it pretty hard to trust myself with knowing how I feel about a guy cause it's just hard to be fully enthusiastic with an AB guy, but am I not enthusiastic because he's not right for me or just because he's AB. I do regret ending some of those relationships and wish I had pushed through sex because obviously what I'm looking for relationship-wise is about a lot more than that and I do think they probably had potential.

[Deleted]

This issue is the main reason I wanted to rejoin the board!
I was a member a good 6/7 years ago and I’ve dated a couple of PWD, but nothing worked out. I was very close to meeting up with another guy off here but life got in the way, we got on well though and sometimes I do wonder what might have happened if we’d actually gone on a date…
I met my AB husband on a normal dating app around 6 years ago and he is my soulmate and I love him more than anything, but he doesn’t understand me being a dev.
I was open about it with him from the start when we were dating but over the years I’ve come to realise it makes him uncomfortable, mainly with our sex life. He’s expressed to me before he fears I’m not enjoying things because he doesn’t have a disability and although that isn’t the case, I do often find myself drifting into dev fantasies which I can’t tell him about.
I mainly get my dev fixes now through my little collection of novels on my kindle and a carefully cultivated TikTok fyp.

[ichbin]

Oct 18, 2024 2:24:02 GMT -5 @autumn said:

 I do often find myself drifting into dev fantasies which I can’t tell him about.

I am pretty sure he has his fantasies which he can´t tell you about either. That's just the way sex works, in our heads mainly. 
My sex life with ABs was always the way you described it. 

[Deleted]

Oct 18, 2024 12:27:01 GMT -5 ichbin said:

Oct 18, 2024 2:24:02 GMT -5 @autumn said:

 I do often find myself drifting into dev fantasies which I can’t tell him about.

I am pretty sure he has his fantasies which he can´t tell you about either. That's just the way sex works, in our heads mainly. 
My sex life with ABs was always the way you described it. 

Yeah I think you’re probably right, although I think his fantasies are probably a lot more conventional, unless he’s holding something big back and one day he’ll come to me with some epiphany! It’s good to read that your experiences were similar, although I do sometimes feel immensely guilty.