How much do you tell?

[charlene]

This question just came up recently on a disability related dating site:

How much do you have to tell your potential partner about how much help you really need?

There was this disabled girl who met an AB dude online. They chatted, talked on the phone etc.

When they actually met, she came with her mom, because she couldn't move at all (not sure what her disability actually was).
She had told the guy that she was in a wheelchair, but kept quiet about the details and pretty much blocked all the questions related to it.

This poor guy was so freaked out, he immediatly set off and ran away and now this girl is openly complaining about the guy on the message board of the site.

So guys, how much do you tell and girls how much do you think you need to be told?

There should be total honesty right?

[Ray T]

i try to tell someone everything that I know about my disibility before we meet. Honesty is the best in my book.

[laurasweetou]

As a devs opinion, knowing more about SCIs than th average person, I have a policy; if he wants me to know, he'll tell me. Bad or good? Though, sometimes if I feel it's really important, I will ask.
The Most Uncommon Laura

[Ouch]

Yeah, it's always good to know the entire logistics of how you're going to meet before that actually happens; including perhaps mentioning that you'll have another person present as PCA.

I'm not one to force my personal life biography onto someone (okay, well a few may disagree ), but I am one to try to be transparent, even if that transparency is a bit tinted until I get to know a person better.

There really should be total honest when pursuing a relationship...but a lack of honesty doesn't look to have been the problem; it was a lack of disclosure, and sometimes there is a point when you reach TMI, or the contrary, gauging and striking the balance is what is key.

[Deleted]

If its from a site? Yeah I have to be totally upfront about it first. I hate getting all chatty with someone, get a click and I have to lay a bomb shell down, its kinda rough. When something or a situation comes up I try to let them know what to expect. Hopefully they have the nerve to ask a question or two.

[Enid]

Jun 3, 2008 12:24:40 GMT -5 Ouch said:

There really should be total honest when pursuing a relationship...but a lack of honesty doesn't look to have been the problem; it was a lack of disclosure, and sometimes there is a point when you reach TMI, or the contrary, gauging and striking the balance is what is key.

Yeah, but there's also a difference between "lack of disclosure" and blocking questions (as it's mentioned in the OP).

I'm not a fan of asking questions, and generally I'm fine with knowing whatever the other person lets me know. I have a great memory, so most of the time I can get a general picture from little comments. And there's also lots of info to be taken from the things people don't say or don't show (in the case of pictures).

When my boyfriend and I decided to meet, we both knew he was hiding stuff. I never asked, but I did have enough information to know that we wouldn't run into any problems (we didn't). I'd made sure that the logistics part was covered. I don't think that what he did was wrong (he sometimes doesn't seem that sure), but if I had asked directly and he had ignored/blocked the question it would have probably been a different situation.

That said, these two had issues. I'm not entirely sure of how she thought it could go well. Bringing a third person into a date is probably something that should be mentioned at some point. And the guy... he knows that she's in a wheelchair and considers that enough information? Did he only see headshots of her? Wasn't that suspicious? It just makes no sense.

[Ouch]

Well, yes, 'blocking' questions is a whole different factor as well - the situation from just reading what we have, is pretty vague. If she was straight out pretending he didn't ask, and just kept changing subjects; the fellow had it coming to him, he should've investigated more (even if it's just singularly asking why she's ignoring his queries). I don't feel bad for the guy, either way.

I'm one to not really like to 'probe' as well - but I make efforts when it makes sense to do so, and I just pursue a methodology that I'm comfortable with...and I'm cognisant of when it could be uncomfortable, as I can get uncomfortable sometimes when people ask a little too much at one time...

[spurs2000]

I prefer to be upfront and very open about my impairment. To some extent I enjoy being questioned about it. On saying that I'm sure that the level of my impairment scares many women off!

[laurasweetou]

I have some questions for a quad that I can't just POST OMG! About my new boyfriend, he explained this thing to me but I don't quite understand... Soooo, if you'd be comfortable explaining someting to me about cathing, get a hold of me.
The Most Uncommon Laura

[confusion]

I am ever upfront and i like people would be upfront with me coz i hate lies so muc.

Jun 7, 2008 15:20:49 GMT -5 @laurasweetou said:

I have some questions for a quad that I can't just POST OMG! About my new boyfriend, he explained this thing to me but I don't quite understand... Soooo, if you'd be comfortable explaining someting to me about cathing, get a hold of me.
The Most Uncommon Laura

What do u like to know about it?

[Ciao Bella]

I suppose the "burden" lies on both parties... the disabled being able to disclose (maybe through stories or comments) facts about his disability, and the AB being able to openly ask about the disability and how it affects him. Surely we can't expect all dis guys to come right out and list all of the things they can and can't do. At the same time, we can't expect the ABs to come right out and ask what the dis guy can and can't do.

I also think that what's important is to make each other realize that it is OK to be open about the disability, coz from that openness, there's a lot both can learn about and from each other.

think of it as a dance ... where you take the cue from the other person.

[Pony]

This is a good question, and I haven't read many of the posts, but I'll throw some of my experiences out, and you can judge them bad, good or whatever. 1st, I haven't met any girls to date on computer in years. i ran an ad on Craig's List, got some responses, was very open right off the bat, but no girls I was attracted to at all. I think it's my age coz years ago I used to run a print ad, and I got a lot more responses. Still, most of them I wasn't too interested in, but there were a few that were great experiences.

I got a PC in 1993, and almost immediately started meeting girls on there. It was so easy in those days, even for about 10 yrs after, I found it a 'hunting ground.' The internet evened the playing field, as it was an exchange of ideas, humor and great conversations - minus the whole chair thang, which all of you know it colors everything. I did NOT tell girls immediately for that reason I mentioned. I wasn't even sure I'd be that interested in them, so I waited a while. Actually, I went by gut feeling as to when I revealed the 'dirty secret.' And that's what it felt like, a secret you must come clean about, but not sure exactly when. This is very surprising, and some of you might not believe me, but most times when I let the cat out of the proverbial bag it was met by 'embracing' response, and sometimes drew them closer to me. To be very honest, in most cases our online relationship had turned very sexual, close and so we felt great chemistry of friendship.

The first girl I met in the early days lived in Mass. It was before we could even exchange pics online, so we talked on phone a lot. The relationship accelerated so quick it caught me off guard, and I felt guilty as hell for not revealing. I finally faced the music, and she loved e even more. The sexual chemistry was one of the most amazing things ever, although over the phone. We finally traded pics via snail mail, and guess what? I was so NOT attracted that i knew I couldn't continue. Funny thing, she didn't mine my chair at all, but I knew it must end. The one thing I still hate myself for was telling her the truth. I wanted to be honest, and so I told her I wasn't attracted - very stupid of me!! It hurt her badly, and she was a great girl. I felt like such an idiot, but she moved on, and I learned a few lessons.

There were other relationships that turned into 'real life' , and no, I didn't spell it out right off, but I did choose to make it sooner than the 1st girl. They all worked out well, were extremely sexual and the friendship was very strong. I don't have the energy or time to hunt chicks online anymore, but it's still the most fertile hunting grounds...beating bars by long shot!!

[faith]

I can't imagine not talking about it. I don't mean all the time, nor does it have to include every minor detail, but it would seem that knowing someone was in a chair and never bringing it up would be the elephant in the room.

If I were talking with someone who I knew was in a chair and they never brought it up I would probably ask something like "would it be okay if I asked you some questions about your disability?" or I would even ask them just to tell me....
I wouldn't want to make them uncomfortable but it seems a logical topic of conversation along with "tell me about your job" etc.

But I am fairly direct. I suppose if there were two people who were not direct and one didn't want to ask, the other didn't want to tell it could certainly lead to an uncomfortable situation.

[mrjefffurz]

i went online in '98 at new mobility and those early years i played in dis communities exclusively so disclosure was automatic,,,everyone shared their "stats" as a matter of course...when i became single and tried a few dating sites i was always upfront in so far as disclosing that i was sci...if there were any questions about spesifics i was str8 about it but things rarely went that far cuz things would chill in a hurry after a picture exchange....in more recent years ive spread out into mainstream websites and i never make the fact that im a para a big deal,,,,on 1 webcam site i turned my cam on so all the friends i had made could see me,,,,and, of course, i managed to spazz right out of the front of my chair in front of god & everyone...*laffin*...subsequently ive made bunches of female budz at these websites and theres been full disclosure with the very best friends...as far as meeting internet pals,,,they have all been other dis ppl save 1 and she was a PCA for a quad...that became a disaster cuz she found a b/f after we had already made all the plans & bought the tix, etc & she didnt have the cojones to tell me and cancel the whole thing...

[Pony]

Well Faith, once the 'big secret' was out we talked about it plenty, or enough anyway. I was extremely forthcoming after it was out, but the chair thang was never the core of my relationships, so it was easy to ignore once all the details were out. Matter of fact, I had a g/f fro Delaware for 2 years that used to fly down, stay on beach, hang with me for week at a time. She met all my friends, we had very sexual affair, went to dinners, movies, tourist stuff, and she just didn't give a damn about the chair. Of course, we had serious conversations, even emotional ones, at times, but it was always a back-burner kinda subject. We mostly were having lot of fun!