Why

[laurasweetou]

Don't we write in this more? Is it because the guys can read and can post but shouldnt? JW

[Claire]

Good question. Perhaps some of it is that due to the devo guilt that many of us feel, it's hard to open up in a forum that the wheelers, who we know are reading us, will read.

Perhaps some of us have been here so long, it's all been said before. What have we not covered? And, that said, I don't think that should stop us from talking about it, because sometimes it's worth rehashing, and it's good to get the perspective of newcomers who may wish to participate.

Maybe a lot of the devs are just here to interact with the wheelers and aren't really interested in interacting with other devs or trying to understand our devness.

Maybe there's just not enough of us.

[cwbjr]

Not true on my part - I clearly need feedback and support sometimes (see other threads) and you guys certainly oblige. I just don't post much because (a) most topics are covered in some thread and (b) I'm ridiculously lazy. Too lazy to login, sometimes . . .

Here's a question - if it is the shame/embarassment aspect that keeps us from embracing the dev within and fully engaging/participating in this board or in a particular discussion, is there a way to move past it? I really don't know. Having recently been outed as a dev to my bf, the first thing I did was just shut down. But I know that my dev tendencies, and fantasies, and general thoughts, will come roaring back at some point. I guess what I'm saying is that I don't know that I'll ever be ok with being a dev.

[laurasweetou]

Well said Claire! And I talk to the girls, one in particular has become like family to me. I'm ALWAYS up for a good chat with my sister Dev's. We have to rely on each other with this, the IS no one else who truly understands. We need to be close. I know the wheelers talk and are buddies. Why not us? We're women, it's in our nature to express. There's no reason in the world we should not all be chatting away.

[faith]

I think for many of us so much has already been said, discussed, talked about in past threads.

[BA]

Jul 29, 2008 16:22:07 GMT -5 faith said:

I think for many of us so much has already been said, discussed, talked about in past threads.

Totally agree, Faith. It is a great forum though, particularly when you are in the midst of going through something - "a dev crisis" of sorts, where you can put your baggage out on the table and get some real support without fear of judgement.

[laurasweetou]

All fair enough ladies, I guess I'm a person who likes to rehash OLD discussions and get a new and bright perspective, particularly when we get new members. And, being out in Ireland right now, I think I'm a wee bit lonely for female companionship??? And, s*it I hate to be so sentimental, but I carry the people on this board around in my heart and think of many of you as my good friends. We all share (epically the devs) something no one else can understand and sometimes all we have is each other, which is a lot of what I'm going through right now with a new, very serious, very close relationship. I'm totally emotional, up and down up and down lol. I am blessed with one dev that is very supportive of me and has a lot of wisdom to share with me, and I thank her. Once again, apologies for all the rambling and being a little out of my tree as they say in Ireland. I think I'm just feeling lonely and I don't know why? 'nuff said, thank you all for being good sports and listening to me! Leprechaun kisses.

[charlene]

Jul 28, 2008 11:34:04 GMT -5 @laurasweetou said:

Don't we write in this more? Is it because the guys can read and can post but shouldnt? JW

So, I'm in contact with some of the members here and everytime I post something in this section it's like "Ohh, so you posted this and that...".
And yes, it doesn't make me feel very confortable, but won't stop me from posting.

[Ciao Bella]

Jul 29, 2008 7:37:09 GMT -5 cwbjr said:

Here's a question - if it is the shame/embarassment aspect that keeps us from embracing the dev within and fully engaging/participating in this board or in a particular discussion, is there a way to move past it? I really don't know. Having recently been outed as a dev to my bf, the first thing I did was just shut down. But I know that my dev tendencies, and fantasies, and general thoughts, will come roaring back at some point. I guess what I'm saying is that I don't know that I'll ever be ok with being a dev.

Speaking from personal experience, there is the perceived shame/embarassment only when dealing/outing yourself to ABs, and I must say I never knew and still don't know how to get past that. I am just really fortunate that I met a para on this board which helped with the "outing" bit. He accepted me, I accepted him and all is well in our little world.

I have also realized that the more I ponder on my devness, I increasingly become dissatisfied and confused. Confused, mainly because of all the questions in my head - the dreaded "WHY?" and also confused about how other people will perceive me. dissatisfied, because there is never the one concrete and full explanation about this phenomenon, no matter how much we all engage in intellectual discussions. So, I just accepted. And at one point, it was also suggested to me by a dis guy that there is absolutely no need to tell all and sundry about my devness. This is me. Take it or leave it LOL

[dionisia]

I think all of you ladies have a point.

I agree with Claire that there might be a bit of guilt/shame since the guys are reading, but also, as she and Faith said, a lot of things have been discused.
I know, because i read a lot of the threads before becoming a member, and some of those threads were really insighfull and definately helped me understand myself better and feel somehow "not alone".


On my side, i still feel awkward about posting on a forum. plain like that. i am a total first timer and theres a bit of fear of rejection i guess .... besides i am always afraid of saying something wrong or sounding too direct or harsh or on the contrary, naive, because of the language barrier...but i am trying to get over it thou

And i AM interested in talking to you guys... actually i wanted to ask you a question that came up from Tony's blog ...so i am gonna sabotage the thread (hopefully with justagirl consent, if not let me know) and go ahead and ask here.

How do you feel about the maternal instict issue? As much as it embarasses me a bit to own it i have to say that the protective, mothering/caring instinct definately gets turned on -with some AB guys- but more with my current B/f....its a weird contradiction since i can't help myself and admire him so much and find him so amazingly brave and strong and beautiful and real.
am i the only weird cheese ball around? i know it sounds cliche...a friend of my suggested (when talking to her about this) something on the lines that maybe i felt sorry for him -i hated the thought - but it made me wonder...if that would be so, if there is a bunch of compasion/empathy for the traumatic experience that having such bad accident must bring...is that totally wrong? how much would he hate it? i have been tempted to ask the guys. what do u think?

[BA]

Oct 23, 2008 1:01:26 GMT -5 dionisia said:

I think all of you ladies have a point.

I agree with Claire that there might be a bit of guilt/shame since the guys are reading, but also, as she and Faith said, a lot of things have been discused.
I know, because i read a lot of the threads before becoming a member, and some of those threads were really insighfull and definately helped me understand myself better and feel somehow "not alone".



On my side, i still feel awkward about posting on a forum. plain like that. i am a total first timer and theres a bit of fear of rejection i guess .... besides i am always afraid of saying something wrong or sounding too direct or harsh or on the contrary, naive, because of the language barrier...but i am trying to get over it thou

And i AM interested in talking to you guys... actually i wanted to ask you a question that came up from Tony's blog ...so i am gonna sabotage the thread (hopefully with justagirl consent, if not let me know) and go ahead and ask here.

How do you feel about the maternal instict issue? As much as it embarasses me a bit to own it i have to say that the protective, mothering/caring instinct definately gets turned on -with some AB guys- but more with my current B/f....its a weird contradiction since i can't help myself and admire him so much and find him so amazingly brave and strong and beautiful and real.
am i the only weird cheese ball around? i know it sounds cliche...a friend of my suggested (when talking to her about this) something on the lines that maybe i felt sorry for him -i hated the thought - but it made me wonder...if that would be so, if there is a bunch of compasion/empathy for the traumatic experience that having such bad accident must bring...is that totally wrong? how much would he hate it? i have been tempted to ask the guys. what do u think?

Well, my god Dionisia, I do feel exactly the same way as you do about ALL of this. I mean exactly. The maternal bit, the brave strong bit. I am the same cheese ball as you are, but I've been aged for a longer time. ;D

[faith]

I often have very strong maternal instincts- the whole protective, caring, nurturing side.
But none of that plays a role in my devness.
I don't feel "more" maternal around wheelers than anyone else.

It isn't that the protective side of me goes away, but none of it is a sexual turn on in any way.

[dionisia]

AB, i am glad i am not the only one

Faith, in my case there is some sexual turn on attached to the nurturing/protective side....and as i said not only with guys in chairs but also (in lesser amount) with some AB guys that i've been with...definately not towards everyone. i wonder what is all that maternal thing about. any hints??

what about the rest of the girls? what's your take on this?


so what about all of the other girls?

[Inigo Montoya]

I'm with faith about the maternal issue. The wheelers don't bring it out for me.

I'm with dionisia about the admiration bit. The fact that he has dealt with adversity (hopefully well) in my mind makes him a stronger person. I do admire that. It takes courage.

As for not posting in here much... I'm like dionisia there too... still feel awkward and fear rejection.

[Claire]

Well ladies, let me reassure you...if anyone here was going to be rejected, it was me. I haven't been, which continues to surprise me nearly every time I post something. Just be yourselves. If you're shy about saying something publicly, send a PM. It's nice to make that personal contact. I have on more than one occasion sent out a tentative PM regarding a common interest or some such, to someone who I thought probably hated my guts based on something said long ago, to find out that all that was forgotten and that we could have a friendly discussion. It's nice to get to know people, and these are good people here.

As for the maternal instinct...my devness is at its core a gut reaction to the sight of paralyzed limbs. That sounds awful, but that's what it is. I do have a maternal instinct, I do want to protect people that I care about, I do admire people who handle adversity with grace...but none of that is devness.