Honesty

[Inigo Montoya]

There was a bunch of stuff in the male devo question thread that I took to be about honesty... telling who you're with about what you are. And this has been on my mind. A lot... do you think that once you've acknowledged to yourself that you're a devotee you're then trapped in a kind of dishonesty? If you tell a wheeler you're dating... it may snap back into your face. If you tell an AB that you're dating... well, you don't really have a reason to do you?

Those of you who are married to AB partners... if they don't know does it ever feel like you're lying to them? Does it fall under the "Yes, yes, we have an honest relationship... but he doesn't have to know EVERYTHING" heading?

Do I even make any sense?

[BA]

You make total sense. Honesty is a very big thing for me. I am probably the only married woman I know who decided to have an affair AND told my husband in advance, because I felt that honesty was more important.

I am married to an AB partner. He does know that I am attracted to dis. men, because it did come up in conversation a few years ago when we were talking about 'fantasies' and possibly opening our relationship (ie. my 'affair'). He was nonplussed by my interest in a disabled guy. In fact, he thought it was 'kinda nice of me' because it shows what a 'good heart' I truly have. Suffice to say, I haven't discussed it with him much beyond that. Once I got that as a response, his absolute LACK of feeling threatened in any way made me fairly angry, but also alleviated some guilt for me.

As far as 'to tell or not to tell', I would try to be honest, without being overly blunt or sharing TMI. I don't feel it's necessary to sit down on a second or third or fourth date and discuss being a devotee with a guy. However, if I am asked, directly (or indirectly), I will answer as honestly as possible. Since my husband and I were talking sexual fantasies, I was very honest. If I had just met a disabled guy, through some avenue NOT associated with this or another devotee board, I would probably mention it sooner, but in a more indirect way. I don't think I'd have a whole psychological "why I am a devotee" discussion. I'd be more likely to let him know that I find his being in a wheelchair to be VERY sexy, which is true. If he asked 'Why?', I'd tell him that it's something I am attracted to, but certainly not the only thing about him that turns me on (also true). As we got more into a relationship I might talk more about it. In a long term relationship with a disabled guy, I think it would be absolutely essential to have out in the open and 'worked through'. If I am going to get that close to someone, I have to have a deep level of honesty.

[faith]

Clover- I have often thought that not telling a wheeler that I was a dev would be not completely honest... but I have never even thought that by not telling an AB that THAT wasn't completely honest either. But you are correct. By not telling the person (wheeler or AB), it is still dishonest... or maybe not the whole truth.

And I think it would actually be easier to tell a wheeler than an AB.


And AB- the extent of your openness is extraordinary. I wish we could all be so honest with ourselves and others.

[Inigo Montoya]

I agree with faith... AB your honesty is extraordinary...

As a matter of fact, I've been pretty amazed by the level of honesty that many people here exhibit, both with themselves and others.

[devogirl]

I have found that I have to tell the guy, disabled or AB, if the relationship is serious. I feel like it's a big part of who I am, so when I feel like I have to keep it a secret, then it just gets bigger and bigger, until it's like the elephant in the room. But if I say something, even if it's very simple, just to let the guy know I have this attraction, then I can let it go, and it's not such a big deal. It's the same with close friends too, once it's out in the open I don't have to obsess and dwell on it so much. And since my friends know, it's even more awkward to keep it from the guy if he meets them, so I find it's better just to just get it out in the open.

[Claire]

When I was dating, before I got married (I'm married to an AB guy), I didn't know that there was anything to tell. These were just random thoughts in my head, a bit of folly and fantasy. It didn't have a name, and without a name, it wasn't a real issue. And during the beginning of my married life, it was the same. It never even occurred to me to share these weird thoughts. I never even thought of it as a secret. They were just thoughts.

Then one day I found out it had a name. That other people had it. And that people with disabilities thought it was creepy, evil, disgusting. From that moment onward, those same thoughts and fantasies ceased to be a random bit of innocent folly but became a source of deep shame. At that point, I was too ashamed to reveal it, although we had been married for years. This is odd for me, because if anything I'm one of those people who reveals too much, and isn't careful enough about what I tell people. Devoteeism and BIID have been my only secrets my whole life.

Then the worst thing possible happened: he found out I'm a devotee through another means. He was reading up on BIID, and discovered that many people with BIID are sexually attracted to people with disabilities. Our relationship was going terribly at that point already. During an intense discussion, he asked me if I was attracted to guys in wheelchairs. He caught me totally by surprise. I didn't have to say anything, the look on my face gave me away. I found myself completely unable to discuss the subject with him, jumped up and left the room. We haven't spoken about it since, but during a later fight he said something like "You married the wrong guy, you know that." So, I am sure that it bothers him quite a lot.

The whole thing was a disaster. I should have told him years ago. I really regret it.

[BA]

Nov 21, 2008 22:30:45 GMT -5 faith said:

And AB- the extent of your openness is extraordinary. I wish we could all be so honest with ourselves and others.

Please, thank you, but I am certainly NOT a model of moral grace!

[Inigo Montoya]

Claire said:

if anything I'm one of those people who reveals too much, and isn't careful enough about what I tell people. Devoteeism and BIID have been my only secrets my whole life.

Me too, Claire, except for the BIID part. But unlike you, I can remember being embarrassed and ashamed of it when I was pre-pubescent. When there WAS pretending/play involved. (It was my idea to play "hospital") Enough that, even though the other kids didn't seem to think anything of it I never did it again. I knew there was something "different" about me then and didn't like it, even though I didn't have a name for it until I came here.

[dionisia]

Clover, i can so relate to your post. When the relationship i have now started, it was an online thing, i was married, and i didnt quite know what was it with this person that turned me so on. Then i did the research and i came to this forum and things got clearer.

I think a lot of what happen next in my marriage, had to do with "the" discovery. i couldn't open myself to my ex-husband. It was too weird, too new, too confusing. So the marriage ended without him knowing anything about the issue and to this date i feel a bit of remorse for that.

Things got more serious with online lover and i decided (after a year long of chatting) that it was time to take action so i flew over to meet him. During that first week together, he made a comment that totally got me on my toes. It was a comment related to the "pervs" that stalk disable ppl etc etc. I felt like i was going to faint. I came back home conflicted about that situation. I remember posting the question of should i tell him or not here on the forum. I was feeling terribly dishonest.
So i decided to tell him and i did. The response was not what i expected. Total denial. He didnt think/believe i was a devotee. I was just "too good" for that. Of course this reaction bothered me. It felt like if he was not recognizing something about myself and i felt denied. But i also understood his position and how recognizing that i was a devotee could make him feel like an object and could threaten his self-steem (does she love me only for the wheelchair kind of thought) But I kept feeling dishonest, since he didnt quite assume the whole thing. so i kept pushing the idea and bringing the theme out until i realized that my pushing was starting to damage our relationship. I was getting into a lot of questioning and sort of making him let me go if he didnt accept it. And then one day he told me, when i was starting to question his feelings towards that whole idea, that the only way he could care about it was if i only loved him for the w/c, but he knew that it wasnt the case, so, he didnt really care. If i needed to put a label on myself it was my thing. He told me that he was not going to think about me in those terms basically. and honestly it didnt feel bad. i had tell him, he knows what i think i am, he just dont want to make our relationship about it and i am there with him on that. he sometimes jokes about it when i make comments about him being sexy on this or that situation but it doesnt jump over the fence and our relationship hasnt suffered. he knows the things that i found sexy about his disability and i have felt recently that he is comfortable with it and even, he is starting to like the fact that i am turned on by things he would feel ashamed of otherwise. So i am glad i told him. I dont think that i could have keep going if i hadnt. There is a lot of guilt involve already to add dishonesty to it. I remember devogirl's advice about "it" (him knowing) slapping me on the face at a moment of crisis, but thankfully it hasnt happend.

so, that has been my experience with honesty. i'll let you know if it does slap me in the face, but i am not crossing my fingers for it

p.s. hope the post is not too confusing to read

[dionisia]

jeezzeee that was a loooong post!! sorry for that girls

[BA]

It was a really wonderful post and thanks for sharing it!

[dionisia]

ur welcome AB, glad u liked it

[annie]

I feel strange even typing this message. I have been lurking on this board for quite a long time, however I have never built up the nerve to register, let alone post anything. I felt this was a good place to start. I have never been honest with anyone about my attraction before. I am terrified of anyone who is close to me, or even those who I hardly know, to find out about my "dark secret" I have felt this way as long as I can ever remember. I envy those of you on here who are so honest and open about this. I guess that is why I decided to finally post. Well, I am sorry about my long, rambling coming out post. I just feel like this is such a big part of myself that I have never told anyone and I just needed to get it out. If anyone has any advice I would love to hear it.

[Inigo Montoya]

Welcome, annie, thanks for the response. And, nope, I don't have any advice. I felt that way too, the fear of saying the words out loud. But I can tell you that those few I've told, those closest to me (maybe 5 or 6 ppl?) seem to accept it with very few questions.

But I think I'm not as open about it as others here... maybe they can help more.

[Inigo Montoya]

Dionisia, thanks for your post, it wasn't too long and was very interesting. I sincerely hope it never slaps you in the face. And I can't see why it would, you seem to have gotten a good handle on it within your relationship.