Does it feel wrong?

[faith]

isabelle-
The last line in one of your posts said "I felt I was doing something wrong by reading such harmless books."

I think so many of us have felt our feelings were/are wrong.

Has anyone NOT gone through the "these feelings are wrong" thoughts?

I have become much more comfortable with all of this as I have aged, but I went through a long period of embarrassment.
Not so much anymore

[Ciao Bella]

Hi Faith,

at that point I may have been only 10 years old and had no idea why I was so interested in anything disability related - books or movies. The funny thing is, I have felt that I was feeling wrong until I owned up and stepped out of the closet (at least in cyberspace) when I was about 25. It's really only since I've been with my partner that I've been quite comfortable with my person as a devotee.

So, to reiterate your thoughts, I have always felt I was thinking wrong thoughts and feeling wrong feelings, until recently.

[Inigo Montoya]

Yes, just this weekend I did an entire journal entry of "I'm sorry's" related to this very thing.

[irishclaire]

To be honest, yes I do sometimes feel wrong. Especially with my other half. His disability still gets him very down and he can't understand why I want to be with him. It's times like that that make me feel twinges of guilt, just when I see him so frustrated.

[dolly]

i have been struggling with this lately.


it's certainly not the first time, and i'm sure it won't be the last. i am what i am. but boy, sometimes i wish i wasn't.

[Inigo Montoya]

Oh, hugs, Dolly.

[irishclaire]

Dolly, you and me both.

[annie]

I feel the same way often. I am who I am, and I accept that, sometimes I just wonder why I was made this way. I don't think we would be human if we didn't feel that way sometimes.

[me]

I feel/felt exactly the way you do Isabelle, I still don't feel at one with being interested in somethiing that causes another person to suffer.

[irishclaire]

That's exactly my problem. My ex (things just don't work out the way we plan most of the time, dammit) HATED the way he was, but I didn't mind it. Every time I saw him struggling or in a bad mood because of his disability I felt so guilty because he wishes it hadn't happened to him. I know we wouldn't wish it on anybody, but seeing how much pain his life now causes him actually made me pretty disgusted in myself. I hate seeing people in pain of any kind and seeing someone I loved go through that was excrutiating.

[Claire]

Mar 28, 2009 10:43:25 GMT -5 me said:

I still don't feel at one with being interested in somethiing that causes another person to suffer.

Amen. How could we? We'd have to have no conscience to be oblivious to that. But the thing is, we don't get any pleasure from the suffering per-se. Taking pleasure from someone else's suffering is *not* devoteeism, that's something else entirely. We can take comfort in that fact, at least.

*sigh* And to want it, too. That...ugh, well anyway, I won't go there, but...yeah... *sigh*

[annie]

I also try to separate the fact that I would never wish this on anyone versus that fact that I do have this innate attraction. It's not something I would ever choose for myself, but in the same token, I don't know if I would want to change who I am either.

[dolly]

Mar 29, 2009 3:27:06 GMT -5 @irishclaire said:

My ex (things just don't work out the way we plan most of the time, dammit)

sorry to hear that, Claire.

thanks for sharing your experience with us though. only another dev can understand. it helps knowing others feel the same way and it's nice to be able to talk about it sometimes.

Mar 29, 2009 21:22:35 GMT -5 annie said:

I also try to separate the fact that I would never wish this on anyone versus that fact that I do have this innate attraction. It's not something I would ever choose for myself, but in the same token, I don't know if I would want to change who I am either.

this is pretty much what keeps me from being at ease with my devness. some days it's easier to see it objectively (and keep those facts "separate" vs. conflicting) than it is on others. i concur that i wouldn't have chosen this for myself. but hey, it's an aspect of who i am, so i wouldn't really want to change it either.

[gaydev]

I have never felt guilty about my feelings and have always been very upfront about my attraction to the disability to the man of interest. Sooner or later I state that I know disabilities totally suck and if there was anything I could do to make them abled bodied I would in spite of the fact I would find them less sexy/attractive. I was involved in a farm accident as a teen and spent several months in a wheelchair followed by several more on crutches so I have some idea about the what it means to be disabled. I have found that the men with disabilities I dated seriously have loved that I found them more attractive than their abled bodied brothers and loved their bodies just as they are.

[Dee Dee]

I have been giving the devoteeism phenomenon a lot of thinking during the years and as many other devs I have had feelings of shame and guilt. But as I have grown a little bit older (and perhaps a little bit wiser : I have come to the conclusion that I cant´t change who I am and if I did, it would probably be unhealthy.

For me it is very important to separate:

- the fact that I´m fascinated by male wheelers and
- the fact that certain circumstances made some guys into wheelers.

I hope it goes without saying, that it is NEVER EVER a question of wishing harm/injury on ANYBODY.

It makes me a lot more at ease with my devoteeism when I´m thinking: "All right if he´s already in a wheelchair and I like him and he likes me and the chemistry is good, then we´re good to go".

I´m speculating, if it´s the fact that devoteeism is a social taboo, which makes us feel guilty or ashamed in the first place? Or the fear of being judged by family and friends? It´s probably both. Historically women have been attracted to (and have been portrayed as being attracted to) males, who were regarded as strong, dominant and powerful and that may be part of the explanation as to why society in general views the attraction to males, who are being regarded as the opposite, as strange, weird and tabooed.

Personally I have been giving other people´s opinions way too much attention during my life. I´m practicing caring less about other people´s opinions and caring more about my own. Perhaps you´re going to ask me, if I have shared my devoteeism with the whole world. This isn´t the case however. It´s not because I feel wrong, weird or ashamed, but the reason is that there would be many narrow-minded and ignorant people around, who would keep asking me the same stupid questions and I wouldn´t want to deal with them.

I´m quite curious as to what the male wheelers feel about the devo-phenomenon. As I don´t care what society "thinks" in general about this, I do care what the wheelers think, since they are the "object" of attention.

I´ve been reading through many of the former posts and I´ve come to the conclusion, that the ParaDevo-devs are thoughtful, caring, intelligent and friendly, so I say: "away with the bad feelings and let´s celebrate who we are".