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Post by ruthmadison on Jan 26, 2011 22:44:20 GMT -5
I want a disabled man so badly, but it doesn't seem to fit into the rest of my life. I feel ripped in half. I don't know why I always feel like I have to choose, but I do feel it. Here is a post from my other life, my life as Aamba... whitehindu.blogspot.com/2011/01/long-dark-tea-time-of-soul.htmlHow do I balance being Ruth and being Aamba? They are both me! |
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Post by Inigo Montoya on Jan 26, 2011 23:06:16 GMT -5
Hugs and hang in there.
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Post by lavly on Jan 27, 2011 0:01:57 GMT -5
you tell your self that this is but a moment in time ... and that this too shall pass ... then you get on you tube and have a wank  |
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Post by Emma on Jan 27, 2011 0:31:48 GMT -5
I think you have done something "deeper" by writing and publishing Whole. Just keep being a dev and putting yourself out there as a dev and I think thats a lot, more than most of us can do.
Feeling torn is normal for us devs I think. I didn't realize how torn I was until I was able to put my life back together. I'm still putting things together but it can happen, you can heal and the scar is just a nice memory of your experiences.
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Post by ruthmadison on Jan 27, 2011 8:35:59 GMT -5
I guess I'm just nervous. I have a date this weekend and I'm worried about losing my perspective. History shows that I get infatuated very easily and ignore red flags.
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anais
Junior Member
Posts: 66
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Post by anais on Jan 27, 2011 9:03:43 GMT -5
From this spot it is interesting, that you chose the name "Whole" for your book. Your desire to be whole. Integrated. Not in bits and pieces.
Why does it feel like a choice? Actually, it doesn't sound like a choice at all, not in terms of free will. It sounds like you do know what you want, but are very frightened by it. And this fear doesn't allow you to actualize the thing you want. I would gently suggest, that you are torn by fear, not by inability to decide. But what are you afraid of?
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Post by ruthmadison on Jan 27, 2011 10:38:26 GMT -5
Hmmm, very interesting points, Anais. I appreciate you bringing that up. I think you are so right, it has a lot to do with fear.
I named the book with the parenthesis around the "w" because it is both complete and empty at the same time: whole and hole. My two pieces that seem unable to coexist.
What am I afraid of? I'm afraid of my own past, of my mistakes, of my history of picking the wrong men and being disappointed and hurt. I used to leap into relationships and now I've been scarred enough times that I'm afraid of them.
I'm afraid of getting the wrong answer, of picking wrong. Getting way ahead of myself (as usual) I'm afraid of making decisions while infatuated that I can't get out of once I "come to."
I listen to other people too much. I keep hearing over and over again that I should not base a decision about who I get into a relationship with on sex. People say, that fades, it's not that important and I feel like a fool for thinking it is important, that I need to be with someone I enjoy having sex with! Is that more important than other criteria on my list, though? I don't want to pick wrong.
However, I have tried dating someone I had a lot in common with and enjoyed a friendship with, who I was not attracted to, and it fell apart in a terrible way. And my friend just pointed out today that differences are okay, there are always going to be differences between people, as long as you can respect each other and enjoy talking to each other, at least having different interests means you always have conversation.
I know in my heart I want to place emphasis on having a partner who I am attracted to. I just keep hearing people say I should care more about how I want to raise my future children. I'm not saying I would pick based on sex alone, but it's a pretty darn important criteria to me! Others say it shouldn't be so important. I think they just don't understand that for me it's like asking a gay man to marry a woman. And yet I know of just such a couple, a gay man who decided that his religion was more important to him and married and had children (Orthodox Jewish).
I need to calm down and focus on the present. None of these issues have even happened yet. I have to meet people and learn about people and trust that I can make a rational decision when the time comes.
I don't have that trust in myself.
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Post by ~Z28gal~ on Jan 27, 2011 10:47:18 GMT -5
A date with a wheeler, Ruth? Fingers crossed for you! Being torn like that is awful, I know how you feel. Sometimes I wonder whether I'd be better off with an AB guy, but then I remember cuddling with my last AB boyfriend and having to move away because his muscly legs were bothering me.  I don't know if Anais is right, but if you are in a position where you feel decided but afraid, talk to some of the girls that are or have been in good relationships with wheelers! They always make me feel better, and remind me that it really is worth it to hold out for "the one".  I think I've come to the conclusion that I can't "settle" for an AB guy, but now I'm scared I'll never find that guy and will end up single forever. Which is pretty depressing for a 22 year old.  |
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Post by ~Z28gal~ on Jan 27, 2011 10:57:37 GMT -5
Ruth, is it really just about the sex though? From my experience, and I think I've heard some of the other girls say similar things, the dev thing is more of a.... lifestyle. I think you were alluding to this with your reference to the gay man and his wife. If it WAS just about the sex, you might be happy choosing someone who shares your religious/cultural beliefs over sex, but I really don't think it IS just about the sex.
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Post by ruthmadison on Jan 27, 2011 11:18:21 GMT -5
A date with a wheeler, Ruth? Fingers crossed for you! Being torn like that is awful, I know how you feel. Sometimes I wonder whether I'd be better off with an AB guy, but then I remember cuddling with my last AB boyfriend and having to move away because his muscly legs were bothering me. I don't know if Anais is right, but if you are in a position where you feel decided but afraid, talk to some of the girls that are or have been in good relationships with wheelers! They always make me feel better, and remind me that it really is worth it to hold out for "the one". I think I've come to the conclusion that I can't "settle" for an AB guy, but now I'm scared I'll never find that guy and will end up single forever. Which is pretty depressing for a 22 year old. I also feel like I have to hold out for really the right one, and that includes disability. I'm trying to be at peace with the possibility that I never find the right person. I think being not as worried about it will allow me to enjoy my life more. The guys are out there and I am open and ready! If I never find someone, I will find other meaning in my life. (I do get a lot of company from the characters in my stories!) I find it really inspiring to hear from Emma and others who are in relationships with disabled men. It confirms that I can go in that direction. You're right, it isn't just about sex, it's about a whole lifestyle. But then my religious life is also a complete lifestyle and so I feel like I'm bouncing back and forth between two complete lifestyles that have little to no common ground! (And no way am I holding out for an Indian, Hindu paraplegic, I'll be dead before I find that combination!) Really I think it might be better for me to be with someone who can respect and understand my religion but not also practicing it. I'm strangely afraid of dating a native Hindu, afraid that he wouldn't find my experience as valid and would be forever "educating" me about it. I think this tear in my life is entirely about other people and what they want for my life. The sadness of having to continually confront my parents with something that upsets them. Yes, in fact, I think that is it. I know what I want, but so many people around me tell me I'm crazy for what I want or that I have mistaken thinking. Most of the people I seek advice from cannot understand the desire of devoteeism. You guys provide a great perspective. |
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anais
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Post by anais on Jan 27, 2011 12:10:22 GMT -5
Those other people - they are inside you. The conflict might be between what is the "right" thing to do, and your desires. You put it in a way, as if there is only one possible choice. But Ruth, I believe, that there is no such thing as "the right" choice". No decision is right or wrong. You try. This is the only way to know, if a decision is comfortable to you. People say a lot of things, different things. I can tell you that in my opinion, sex is a very important part of relationship and life. Whole life. But will it make any difference? What do YOU want, this is the question. And from your posts I hear you saying, that it is an important part for YOU, not withstanding other people's opinions. No one is right, only you. It is difficult being a dev, it is a struggle, but it is your struggle, it is worthy, empowering. Those are growing pains You can't make yourself trust your partners. But you can try and see what happens. In worsta case scenario you will get another scar. Is it that frightening? You outlived others, you will outlive another. But in best case, you will find out, that some people are trustworthy. But in face, I still don't really understand, what decision you are talking about. Dating a disabled guy? If so, than why is it such a larger than life decision? It is just a date. As any other. A meeting. A chat. A play. You don't have to conclude immediately, that you are goind to marry the guy. I think that it might be an enormous pressure to go on a date while thinking, you are making a lifechanging decision. It is like carrying a bag full of stoes on you back. Can you imagine, you are just going to have some fun or get bored? Be afraid, but don't let the fear paralyze you It is the part your date should play |
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Post by ruthmadison on Jan 27, 2011 13:11:51 GMT -5
It's not that this particular date is bigger or more important than another, it's just the act of dating at all that is bringing all this stuff to the surface. I'll try to relax and stop worrying so much... |
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Post by Emma on Jan 27, 2011 14:21:37 GMT -5
I listen to other people too much. I keep hearing over and over again that I should not base a decision about who I get into a relationship with on sex. People say, that fades, it's not that important and I feel like a fool for thinking it is important, that I need to be with someone I enjoy having sex with! Is that more important than other criteria on my list, though? I don't want to pick wrong. I know in my heart I want to place emphasis on having a partner who I am attracted to. I just keep hearing people say I should care more about how I want to raise my future children. I'm not saying I would pick based on sex alone, but it's a pretty darn important criteria to me! Others say it shouldn't be so important. I think they just don't understand that for me it's like asking a gay man to marry a woman. I agree, just relax and enjoy the date. Oh and plan to not leap into a relationship. As for the sex....... Sex and sexual attraction is very important in a relationship. It is NOT what it is all about but it needs to be there for a relationship to work. How many of us had tried to be in relationships with AB guys and never felt completely fulfilled? How many of us have also been with disabled guys and the sexual part of the relationship felt right but maybe the other chemistry didn't work? Ruth, the people who tell you its not all about sex and therefore you are silly for wanting a disabled guy don't understand devoteeism. I completely agree that you dating an AB guy is like a gay man marrying a woman. Good sex is not everything but it is very important in a relationship. |
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Post by jordsbaby on Jan 27, 2011 21:23:30 GMT -5
Ruth.
Being in a relationship with a disabled man is not going to be the be-all and end-all.
You may not feel whole, but no one ever feels whole at any point in their life.
I spent four years with a disabled man, moved countries and I have a gorgeous baby of my own, and I can definitely say that I've never felt "whole". If we felt whole, then we wouldn't be human. It's human nature to keep wanting and constantly evolving in life.
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Post by dolly on Jan 28, 2011 12:09:34 GMT -5
good luck with your date.  |
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I don't know if Anais is right, but if you are in a position where you feel decided but afraid, talk to some of the girls that are or have been in good relationships with wheelers! They always make me feel better, and remind me that it really is worth it to hold out for "the one". 
