where is everyones devness at ?

[~Z28gal~]

P.S. I have to admit to being high on devness right now... but then, I have wheeler tracks in my apartment. ;D

[Inigo Montoya]

[ruthmadison]

Mar 26, 2011 19:33:46 GMT -5 ~Z28gal~ said:

P.S. I have to admit to being high on devness right now... but then, I have wheeler tracks in my apartment. ;D

[propella]

It's never neutral for me. It's always high, always there and always so draining. I honestly feel like crying because the guilt is always there. OMG, the guilt... I wish it would all just go away.

[ruthmadison]

Mar 30, 2011 15:41:24 GMT -5 propella said:

It's never neutral for me. It's always high, always there and always so draining. I honestly feel like crying because the guilt is always there. OMG, the guilt... I wish it would all just go away.

Wow, that is hard to have it be on all the time!

I find that everything in my life, no matter what, goes in cycles. My interest in writing waxes and wanes, my interest in knitting waxes and wanes, etc.

As far as the guilt, that has been banished from my life.

Is there any way that we could help you to do the same? Would you like to talk about it?

My belief now is that there is no cause for guilt if you haven't done anything with a malicious intent.

I think the guys here can also help you to feel less guilty. Talk to them and see how much they love that devs exist! (Or, sorry, I know you said you're gay, so I don't know if the guys would help or not).

What can we do to support you?

[propella]

I've read what the guys write, but still... I guess it's like feeling fat. No matter how much someone tells you don't, you still think 'yeah, what the f*** do you know.'

I feel like the devness is based on someone elses misfortune. Like something bad had to happen at some point for me to feel this way.

Still, some days I love the feellings. Like when I know I have a day off from work, and I realize that I can sit all day reading literature, dreaming about a knight on shining wheels coming to rescue me.

Thanks for your kind words, Ruth. You're super sweet

[Inigo Montoya]

That's something I struggled with for a long time too, Propella. And the fact is that something bad did have to happen for them to be the way they are. But that would've happened regardless of you or me or Ruth or Emma or anyone else's sexual issues(? lol). Talking to the guys actually has helped... because some of them really do regard us as a kind of bonus.

I was going to say more but it's not coming out right. So, hugs.

(Ruth and Emma are better at this... listen to them. )

[ruthmadison]

I do see it now more like I'm being helpful after the fact of a life-changing accident! Like Inigo said, we're a bonus.

This may sound shocking, but disability is just something that happens, just a part of the experience of life. What makes it bad? I don't think people need to put a judgment call of good or bad on it.

For most, an accident is traumatic, but the disability that came with it doesn't have to be. And then there are those who are disabled from birth or from illness, and not accident.

I really like this guy's writing style: badcripple.blogspot.com/2011/03/cure-for-sci-and-being-bad-or-good.html

Here's what he says:
"I am a bad cripple because I am violating certain social norms. People with a disability, you see, are supposed to be miserable. We are expected to be constantly seeking out a cure. We should be spending all our time working toward this goal with various doctors and rehabilitation centers. These doctors are supposed to be brilliant, devoted to helping the less fortunate. The more exotic and innovative the cure the better we people with disabilities are perceived to be...I am quite content with my crippled body. I like my body. Would I prefer not to be paralyzed? Of course. But I would also like to be stunningly handsome and am not. The simple fact is there is nothing i cannot do that a person who walks can do. Paralysis has not stopped me from getting an outstanding education, publishing my work, teaching, getting married (and divorced), fathering a child etc. All these ordinary experiences are thought to be out of the realm of people with a disability. Hence it is not paralysis that has been the bane of my existence but the way people react to my paralysis and wheelchair use. "

It's just life. We all have things we would rather be or not be or have or not have. Life is difficult and challenging and if it were easy, what would be the point?

[propella]

I don't look at being disabled as sad, nor do I expect someone with a disability to be depressed about being disabled. The rational part of me can certainly see that my devness is just another part of me, and that I didn't cause anyone any harm. Still, I have guilt.

A friend of mine is a para, and she knows about devs, and talks about it like it's the most disgusting thing on earth. While my guilt was there before I knew her, it has definitely made an impact.

I embrace every part of me, including the devness. I just wish I weren't a dev.

[Inigo Montoya]

To be honest, me too. For a variety of reasons that don't really include the guilt right now. I actually think it's impacted my life negatively in a lot of ways. =/

I'll tell you though, that reading stuff said by people like your friend (mainly on disability boards) ... that kind of stuff used to totally do me in. Totally. But I think they feel that way because they don't understand and we can't make them understand. There are some people who've behaved in ways that make that opinion valid. But people of all kinds behave badly. So, I can't own that and neither can you.

I work with kids and my kids to to events with kids from other places who don't have the high standards of behavior that I/we do in our county. So, I've answered the question... "If they can do it, why can't I?" many times... and I feel like my answer applies here in a way. I tell them, "We are only responsible for our own behavior." And this is true. We are only responsible for our own behavior. And so, we should do our best to feel things only about our own behavior. Let go of the guilt by association. Try not to feel guilty for the stuff that others do to others. When she starts talking that way, remind yourself that that's not you. I've never taken a picture of anyone without their knowledge. I've never posted anyone's picture on any website without their permission. (I've been saddened by guys who've prefaced pic sharing with, "please don't post this anywhere.")

Remind yourself that you treat others with respect, that you're a good person. ...Advice from my life coach who shed me, lol, he's a quad and we've discussed this a lot. You don't own that stuff... it's not you. You can't stop it, you can't fix it and you can't undo it. But you might could go have some great relationships with disabled people that might brighten lives. both yours and theirs.

[ruthmadison]

I think Inigo is right that your friend's issue with it is her own issues. She may have a valid reason to feel that way, but she's wrong to lump all devs together.

Devness itself is not disgusting, it is not evil, it is not bad.

But people bring all kinds of their own biases to their thoughts about it.

I go back and forth a lot on whether I'm glad I'm a dev or not. In terms of making my life more difficult, there are many obvious things like the difficulty of finding dates and the terrible things people say about me when they don't know me.

On the other hand, I like how easily turned on I am, that I know exactly what will do that for me. I'm so connected to the devness that I don't know who I would be without it. I guess that's a bad reason to like it! It's just comfortable and comforting to me.

[Emma]

Mar 31, 2011 6:54:22 GMT -5 Inigo Montoya said:

(Ruth and Emma are better at this... listen to them. )

Thanks Inigo. I just read your last few posts in this thread and think you are WAY better at this than I am.

I have never felt guilty about my attraction.

I also know that almost everyone else here has. I don't have a lot of advice beyond what Ruth and Inigo have shared. It's important to keep in mind that women who are disabled have very different experiences with male devotees. There are many more male devs than female and many less disabled women so they can get a little crazier than us, or a lot crazier depending. I bet if you told your friend about your attraction she would see that its different than the devs she has heard of. I have a few disabled female friends I have talked with this about this and they are fine with my devness.

Just surround yourself with good devs and disabled people who are accepting and happy to know you exist and maybe in time you will feel better about it. Like Inigo said don't hold yourself accountable for others poor behavior.

I would not trade my devness for anything. I love being a dev for so many reasons but mostly because it is who I am, gives me a true passion and makes me unique.

[merry]

Upswing (I'm assuming that's why I took the plunge and started posting ). But I'm desperately trying to "over-indulge" in the hopes that I can swing down as soon as possible. I have exams starting in 3 weeks and at the moment just can't get myself to care enough about them to do any work...Anyone tried this before? Does it work? (I usually try to keep a lid on things as much as possible in order to function - I have after all got 4 young kids and a hubby who need me. At the moment though it's school holidays and hubby's away for 2 weeks - so I can binge if I want to!)

[ruthmadison]

Apr 28, 2011 10:15:32 GMT -5 @merry said:

Upswing (I'm assuming that's why I took the plunge and started posting ). But I'm desperately trying to "over-indulge" in the hopes that I can swing down as soon as possible. I have exams starting in 3 weeks and at the moment just can't get myself to care enough about them to do any work...Anyone tried this before? Does it work? (I usually try to keep a lid on things as much as possible in order to function - I have after all got 4 young kids and a hubby who need me. At the moment though it's school holidays and hubby's away for 2 weeks - so I can binge if I want to!)

When I try to overindulge, I find that it just makes me feel more anxious and upset, like my brain is on fire or something like that. I prefer to try to keep it all as measured as I can! I have no idea if it's possible to force it to burn out more quickly.

[merry]

Darn. Shucks Guess I'll just have to hope that eventually the stress of the looming exams overpowers whatever endorphins are running amok in my brain...