How open are you about being a Dev?

[ruthmadison]

Annie, that's awesome! It's great that you can now at least be totally honest with your fiance, I would imagine that would strengthen your relationship.

Tabby_Cat, I do frequently imagine characters in tv shows to be in a wheelchair when they are sitting down. Exactly the same as you, I think it's fine because I'm imagining a character, not the actor.

I actually feel really uncomfortable getting my dev thrills from YouTube and other images of real people. Not sure why, it just makes me start thinking too much about who this person is and I find that distracting. When looking to satisfy an itch, I want fictional characters.

[Inigo Montoya]

Annie, it's good to hear from you. I'd been wondering if things were still awesome. It's fab to hear that they are.

Since I'm feeling all participatory today, (lol @ me) I'll share.

Thinking... five, maybe six friends know... the hubby of one bff... my mom and my sis both know. I cannot say the word sex to my father... he might die or something. (He slunk off that one time I came busting out of my car after a bad date and announced, "Life would be easier if I were gay!" He doesn't want to know. ;D)

Sis and mom both caught on pretty quickly. I know I've said this before and I worry about repeating myself, but what my mom said was, "Oh, that explains a lot." She wasn't surprised. Since then, she and I have discussed the same sorts of stuff that we sometimes talk about here. The coolest thing ever was sitting with her, drinking coffee and having her ask, "Why do you think some of the guys can't accept it?" I guess we're more open than some families?

The one thing about sharing it is that I do learn about others' kinks. My sis is into some BDSM and bff's hubby... well, he's into submission, which I've known about longer than he's known about me, which is the reason I shared or gave permission for sharing, he was feeling very alone in it. The only problem I've had with that was that he wanted to write some fiction together. (Urg. ) And from what he was saying he didn't really get it. At some point I think we're going to talk about it more.

Apparently, the people I know are more kinkified than the general population? Idk.

One of the reasons I like having friends know is that it lessens the shame of it. I was at a restaurant with a friend and a cute wheeler glided by and she was ready to go get him for me. I'm able to and have joked about it with other friends.

It's nice. Not everyone knows... but I've told the people I wanted to know.

[ruthmadison]

I've also found that people really open up to me about their own kinks and unusual desires, I'm not sure anyone is really totally "vanilla."

[Inigo Montoya]

Yeah...

[Devoblue]

I'm still just not there. I hear so many of you say how great it feels to be open with those close to you but I don't know, in my silly brain I feel like this thing about me is one of the only things that is only mine. It's private and it's this place I can go and enjoy things that are just for me. Probably sounds ridiculous now that I've put words on screen but I still don't feel in a place to let anyone else (other than those that are in our little community here) in to that world.

[ruthmadison]

Apr 6, 2011 14:15:59 GMT -5 Devoblue said:

I'm still just not there. I hear so many of you say how great it feels to be open with those close to you but I don't know, in my silly brain I feel like this thing about me is one of the only things that is only mine. It's private and it's this place I can go and enjoy things that are just for me. Probably sounds ridiculous now that I've put words on screen but I still don't feel in a place to let anyone else (other than those that are in our little community here) in to that world.

And that is totally fair! Whatever makes you comfortable is the way to go. It sounds nice, actually, to have it be something that is completely yours.

I think I came out about it because not sharing it made me feel constantly on-edge and miserable. I felt like I couldn't relate to or connect with my friends in a meaningful way. Stopping trying to hide made me feel so much better.

But that might not be the case for everyone! If it makes you feel comfortable and safe to have that private knowledge, then it sounds like a good thing for you.

[Emma]

Apr 6, 2011 14:15:59 GMT -5 Devoblue said:

I'm still just not there.

I TOTALLY understand. For many years I felt the same way, it was my secret and I wanted to keep it that way. When I met my husband my dev life and real life started to blend into one life which in itself was an amazing experience. After that I started feeling like I wanted to tell people about it. It took me 2.5 years after that to actually tell people and by that time it was killing me that I hadn't told them yet.

Blueeyes, just do what feels right and don't feel pressured.

[Emma]

Oh no L, what happened with your sister?

[rmrb]

I think I posted on another thread about this. I haven't told anyone in my life except an ex-boyfriend, who was accepting of it but misconstrued it. That turned into a situation where he told many people in "our" life about not only our sex life, but my "twisted-ness" when we split up out of spite. Despite not necessarily being Christian myself, he was Christian and most of our mutual friends and families were very strong Christians--- him revealing our sex life was enough to get people riled up and his spin on my devotee-ism was enough to make me seem like the "evil" and "corrupting" party in our relationship and subsequently I was "banished" from most of "our" circles of friendship. Not that I need to be friends with people who take rumors at face value and refuse to speak to me to allow myself to be heard (let alone be judgmental about a partner preference), but at the time I was 800 miles from family or other friends, new at dealing with a serious illness and had ended our 2-year engagement over threats with a deadly weapon. It wasn't an easy time to lose my support network.

My feelings about wheelie men are not a secret, and I am not ashamed or even uncomfortable. However, there are some things that my family members and certain friends don't need to know. Most of them don't know about my preferences for any physical characteristics in a man (hair color, height) and I find no reason to share my sexual preferences and attractions with them because they choose not to share them with me. Unfortunately, most of the people I would have felt comfortable talking about my sexuality with are no longer with me (my great grandma, a girlfriend that passed away).

[ruthmadison]

RMrb, that is a really rough situation. I'm so sorry you went through that.

For me, telling people has nothing to do with telling them my sexual preferences. Okay, that sounds weird. I don't know how to explain it. I don't want to tell my friends and family what I do in the bedroom, how sex with sci works, none of us wants to talk about that!

However, my devness is more than that. It is something that colors how I see the world and I got sick of putting on an act to try to look like the people around me when it's not true. It takes a lot of energy to hold up that facade and I have better things to do with that energy.

I want to be able to gripe about inaccessible buildings without worrying whether people are adding up the pieces and figuring out my secret.

I want to be able to join in girl talk and get silly over boys without censoring one of the things I find most appealing.

I want people to not be shocked or surprised when I bring wheelers home.

More than sex, it's part of my life, and I want to be accepted for my whole being, not just for a few parts that I let people see.

Now this isn't to belittle anyone else's choice. I just feel rather judged when people say that they don't think their parents or their friends need to know about their sex life. It's more than that.

It's like when people say that gay people should just shut-up about being gay because no one needs to know what they do in the bedroom. But it isn't really about what you do in the bedroom. It's about what you like to read and what you like to watch and where you want to hang out and who you want to hang out with. It's about wondering why you need to go to a special section of a special store just to see a love story that mirrors your own, while straight love is on the billboards and in the magazines and on tv and in our faces all the time.

It's life and we shouldn't have to hide because other people are ignorant or stupid. It isn't my job to make life simple and easy on them and stop to think about every word I say because it might give me away. I can't live with that burden. And "normal" people (I need a better word for that) don't have to do it, so they don't understand the pressure it creates.

Lucky them, I guess, if they don't have any kinks, but they need to stop assuming that all people are like themselves.

So, when I say I am out of the closet, that doesn't mean that I talk about details of my sex life with people. It means that I behave like a "normal" girl and giggle with my friends about how cute a particular wheeler guy is.

[Inigo Montoya]

Apr 7, 2011 7:34:18 GMT -5 ruthmadison said:

RMrb, that is a really rough situation. I'm so sorry you went through that.

For me, telling people has nothing to do with telling them my sexual preferences. Okay, that sounds weird. I don't know how to explain it. I don't want to tell my friends and family what I do in the bedroom, how sex with sci works, none of us wants to talk about that!

However, my devness is more than that. It is something that colors how I see the world and I got sick of putting on an act to try to look like the people around me when it's not true. It takes a lot of energy to hold up that facade and I have better things to do with that energy.

Yes. When I told my mother, I just said... "I'm attracted to guys who have disabilities." I did not share fantasies with her or any sci cock information. When we've discussed it we've talked about the psychological implications of things. Because my mom is cool that way.

Apr 7, 2011 7:34:18 GMT -5 ruthmadison said:

I want people to not be shocked or surprised when I bring wheelers home.

This is why I shared it. My mom, to her credit, has mainly only ever worried about how accessible their home is.

Apr 7, 2011 7:34:18 GMT -5 ruthmadison said:

Now this isn't to belittle anyone else's choice. I just feel rather judged when people say that they don't think their parents or their friends need to know about their sex life. It's more than that.

Yes. This. The first time that I shared, here, that I had told my mom someone's (I don't remember who) reply was, "OMG! I'd NEVER tell my mom!!!!" or something. It made me feel like my whole family is weird. Which we are, lol... but it felt like it was in a socially unacceptable way.

Apr 7, 2011 7:34:18 GMT -5 ruthmadison said:

So, when I say I am out of the closet, that doesn't mean that I talk about details of my sex life with people. It means that I behave like a "normal" girl and giggle with my friends about how cute a particular wheeler guy is.

And have them point out when we're out... "Look, do you see that guy over there? He's cute!"

[ruthmadison]

Apr 7, 2011 9:28:02 GMT -5 lucretia said:

Apr 7, 2011 9:24:36 GMT -5 Inigo Montoya said:

And have them point out when we're out... "Look, do you see that guy over there? He's cute!"

Yes!!! Because, I mean, I'm LOOKING... but I can't be looking everywhere at the same time! It betters the odds... just sayin'

Totally. A network of people looking out for people to set you up with, that's a fantastic thing to have.

[rmrb]

While I get you girls, I really do I guess I just feel like my relationships with family and friends are different--- since I moved 800 miles in the last year I feel like most of my friendships with people I actually see regularly are not that close and since I don't have a relationship at the moment (and am not truly seeking one, I'm open but not gunning) there are less natural opportunities to talk about that sort of thing with my long-distance friends, because it isn't like we go out and run into guys together. My family, while being very close, has its serious flaws and challenges because or a very odd combination of personalities and situations and there are just certain things that they do and I do to cope with it that just aren't normal. My dad might talk about wanting to have sex tonight and walk around pretty much naked in front of his children, but he would never talk to us about the traits he likes in a woman for various reasons including the fact that neither his wife nor his daughter share most (90%) of those traits. Same goes for my mother. Lets just say we all have a tenuous grip on reality! I can't just tell someone that I am a dev-- I have to tell them what that means to me because I want them to understand to the best of their ability if I am going to tell them and not go off assumptions and misinformation, which involves explaining in a way and I just don't feel I have to explain myself to anyone in my family because they don't feel the need to explain any of the "odd" things they do or the reasoning behind it. We are a "don't ask, don't tell" family. I don't ask why my uncle married a teenager or bit my other uncle's ear off or why my dad or grandfather is a drop out (all have to do with physical relationships), and they don't tell me, and in return I don't tell them I like wheelie men or why I am in the profession I am going into.

Not talking about liking wheeler men isn't hiding it (out of shame or fear of judgment or whatever) any more than not talking about any other man I fancy or about the characteristics I fancy in a man. Although I have faced judgement in the past about my preferences or attraction to another person, my sharing mostly created a "why did you tell me this, I have no desire to know this about you" situation rather than a "your weird, a pervert, a freak, misguided, ect." reaction. Nobody wants to hear me talk about an attraction I had to a ceartain woman or traits in ceartain women I find attractive (I'm odd in that I am a good "hotness" detector in other women and find them attractive, but have no desire to have a relationship with one) and nobody cares to hear about men that I date, either ones that have been approved or dissaproved of by the family. Essentially there is this public expression that they don't care what I do so long as it isn't dangerous so long as I don't talk about it. I've been told the inside of my head is a scary place and nobody wants to join me there! LOL.

Other than character traits like "responsible" or "hard-working" my family and my current friends for the most part do NOT talk about what we are attracted to. Sometimes someone else will share their preferences, but it isn't as common in my current set of relationships and my family than it has been with other groups of friends or others I know. I wouldn't talk to them about liking brunettes with nice arms anymore than I would tell them that I like wheelers. I don't talk about crushes or potential relationships until they ARE relationships because I find that an intensely private decision making process. I don't care who people see me with or see me dating, but I don't invite other people into budding relationships. I like to thoroughly screen and filter my men before they get to impact my life and by then the family and friends obviously know I am dating him! My mother would never ask me for information about a man I am friends with or seeing until I offer the info up myself, and my friends know I will tell them about who he is but they aren't going to get any juiciness out of me.

As far as the other aspects of my life that devness strongly and obviously impacts, like your examples Ruth, I have no problems sharing with the people in my life. They know I am going to talk about disability issues and accessibility just like I talk about Indigenous issues. I have had several wheeler friends in the past and people know that I hang out with them. People that are still in my life that were around the last time I tried to pursue a relationship with a wheeler know that I went out with him and was interested in him but it didn't work out. I have told people about my devness when I was in a serious romantic relationship with them. Other than that, all those things are just who I am and I don't have to explain my motivations for caring about human rights and dating or hanging out with who I like to the people in my life, just as the don't explain why they picked someone with certain traits to partner with to me. I wouldn't point out that I like Asian men if I had a thing for them, but eventually some people around me might figure it out and if they asked me, then I would do my best to verify and explain it to them from my perspective.

Now, there are people I have had a relationship with that I would have told about my devness if they were still alive or in my life. My best friend unfortunately isn't alive anymore so far as we know (she moved with her family when we were in our late teens and she disappeared soon after her move-- her family still doesn't know what happened to her). My current closest female friend was a teenage mother x2 and is currently actively NOT looking for another relationship after a traumatic experience and a relationship gone wrong-- I respect her and we don't talk about her poor relationship choices and I in turn don't sabotage her efforts to stay out of relationships by talking about what I like or am looking for or take her looking for men. Of course, if the situation was different I am sure she wouldn't judge me. My family members that I had a different sort of relationship with are both dead. I definitely would feel the need to share my devness with my great grandmother that sat me down when I was 12 and told me about "pleasing a man." She'd probably give me a tip or two! I would also share it with my grandfather that always offered support or advice no matter what. I think that has to do with his past living in glass houses, for god sake's the man took jimmy hats to the hospital when was flight-for-lifed in case he got lucky! I will reiterate again that it isn't about hiding it from fear of judgment and I don't actively make an effort hide it or fear what would happen if people found out. I feel more comfortable telling people that have shared some bit of that part of themselves with me, and feel no need to share with those that can't or won't. My childhood best friend that I keep in contact with IS probably the only person I would explicitly hide my devness from, because she has never had a relationship so has no idea what she is talking about and is stuck on fantasies, but also has a judgmental, stuck-up side which is probably WHY she hasn't relationship. I have a friend that I might not tell is she didn't end our relationship because of the situation where I was outed, because she too thinks that she deserves perfect in every way and cannot understand why I was dating a friend that was different in a much less obvious way and was judgmental about that, basically lack of a grip on reality or life experience. Maybe my baby brother as well, for similar reasons. It is hard to help someone understand reasons for making unusual choices in partners or relationships to someone that thinks life is about having a hot girlfriend that is cheap and won't interfere with your hobbies! He still calls me a slightly derogatory nickname derived from a relationship with one of my exes because he doesn't personally understand and can't relate to know better--- and apparently I didn't do such a hot job moulding his mind when he was younger! Oh, and probably because he is a teenage boy, which apparently is like the decision-making equivalent of being on crack or something . . .

That is just my take.

[Devoblue]

Thank you ladies for your encouraging comments. I think I am content to come here and know that even on the days when i'm just reading and lurking that I've got all the acceptance I need right now from this community.

[dolly]

Apr 7, 2011 13:39:28 GMT -5 Devoblue said:

I am content to come here and know that even on the days when i'm just reading and lurking that I've got all the acceptance I need right now from this community.