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Post by MarineAmp on Apr 6, 2011 12:11:40 GMT -5
and on another note..... so many seem to preach confidence on here, if we are so confident why r we even here. im just saying Reading this gives me the impression that all single guys in here don't have confidence so they came here in hopes of finding a desperate dev. Maybe there is truth in that from the guy's standpoint, but I don't think you're going to get very far with that type of thinking.
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Post by wheelieInCali on Apr 6, 2011 19:11:27 GMT -5
maybe true in some cases but definately not all
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Phil
Junior Member
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Post by Phil on Apr 6, 2011 19:36:23 GMT -5
Well said wheelie
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Post by Ray T on Apr 6, 2011 23:45:43 GMT -5
the only issue i have seen the devs here lacking confidence in is usually in ther devotee-ness other than that most are rather well togather in all other aspects, as well as anyone can be togather ,deve or not.
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g
Full Member
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Gender: Male
Dev Status: Devotee
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Post by g on Apr 7, 2011 7:27:25 GMT -5
MarineAmp no offense bro, but if u r trying to tell me that u have never felt self conscious about being in a wheelchair u r full of it. same goes for the ladies and their devness. im not here looking im here to learn because devs will always be a part of our lives in the disabled community.
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Post by ruthmadison on Apr 7, 2011 7:43:03 GMT -5
MarineAmp no offense bro, but if u r trying to tell me that u have never felt self conscious about being in a wheelchair u r full of it. same goes for the ladies and their devness. im not here looking im here to learn because devs will always be a part of our lives in the disabled community. I guess everyone is self conscious about something some of the time. We aren't stones, we're human beings and we have feelings of inadequacy at points. I believe that every single person feels that over something. It's easy to point to being disabled and say that obviously that's why you aren't scoring with the women. But there are disabled guys who do. It seems to me that when you assume you'll fail, that's exactly what happens. Confidence isn't necessarily about always being totally secure and never showing weakness. I think it's just valuing yourself and knowing that you're a good catch. Maybe no one will ever see it, but you know it. And if you can talk and behave from that place of knowing that you're valuable and would make a great partner, then you'll inspire those around you to believe it. Not always, but trust me, everyone gets rejected. Guys who always seem to get the girl actually ask out probably five times as many girls because when they get rejected (and they do get rejected a lot), they assume it isn't anything to do with them and it doesn't cause their excitement to waver. I'm not totally there yet. Of course I have moments of insecurity, but I know that's not a quality that draws people to me. I try to wait to reveal vulnerability until after I know someone. So that leads me to another question. Do you guys think that the "rules" are different with wheeler men? I don't think they are, but I'm curious to see your perspective. What I mean by that is the little bit of game playing that is necessary to get a relationship going, such as the guy being the first one to make contact after a first date.
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Post by ruthmadison on Apr 7, 2011 8:29:50 GMT -5
I guess everyone is self conscious about something some of the time. We aren't stones, we're human beings and we have feelings of inadequacy at points. I believe that every single person feels that over something. It's easy to point to being disabled and say that obviously that's why you aren't scoring with the women. But there are disabled guys who do. It seems to me that when you assume you'll fail, that's exactly what happens. Confidence isn't necessarily about always being totally secure and never showing weakness. I think it's just valuing yourself and knowing that you're a good catch. Maybe no one will ever see it, but you know it. And if you can talk and behave from that place of knowing that you're valuable and would make a great partner, then you'll inspire those around you to believe it. Not always, but trust me, everyone gets rejected. Guys who always seem to get the girl actually ask out probably five times as many girls because when they get rejected (and they do get rejected a lot), they assume it isn't anything to do with them and it doesn't cause their excitement to waver. I'm not totally there yet. Of course I have moments of insecurity, but I know that's not a quality that draws people to me. I try to wait to reveal vulnerability until after I know someone. So that leads me to another question. Do you guys think that the "rules" are different with wheeler men? I don't think they are, but I'm curious to see your perspective. What I mean by that is the little bit of game playing that is necessary to get a relationship going, such as the guy being the first one to make contact after a first date. Ruth, you are in my head, today!!! Another round of BRAVO!! As to your other question... I don't know what the "right" answer is (and guys, help us out, here!!) but I've always thought the "games" are stupid and pointless, and if I like him and haven't heard from him, I will make one first attempt... but then again, I'm still single! LOL I personally don't think the "rules" are different. I always want the guy to call first, but that's not because of some game. If I like him, I TELL him so he knows and there's no weird mystery thing going on. If he likes me, I want him to TELL me for the same reason. There are a bazillion books and blogs about the rules, the games, how it all works...and I'm just as baffled as I was when I was 15. LOL This could be a good topic for a Skype call... :-) I'm the same way, when I like someone I want him to know and for him to express how he feels about me so there's no uncomfortable not knowing. But it seems like that uncomfortablness is necessary, perhaps because each person moves at a slightly different pace and the one who is more into it can put pressure on the one who still isn't totally sure. I hate to play games, but my experience is that every single time I make first contact after a date, I never go out with the guy again. I know I'm doing something wrong! And that's what all the dating advice places say. I've been reading a fascinating book called Have Him at Hello (http://www.amazon.com/Have-Him-Hello-Confessions-About/dp/0307406547/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1302182747&sr=1-1). This woman conducted Exit Interviews with 1,000 men to find out why they didn't call a woman for a second date. It gives the inside info that I've been craving because the guys who vanish on me never give me an explanation. The woman who wrote the book does real research about it, it's been eye-opening for me. But as I'm reading I'm wondering if everything still applies to my situation. I suspect that it does. I'm not putting much stock in this idea that wheelers are more insecure than ab guys and therefore need more prodding. Guys are guys and I think it all still applies.
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g
Full Member
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Gender: Male
Dev Status: Devotee
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Post by g on Apr 7, 2011 8:43:19 GMT -5
disabled or not its never ok for a guy to show insecurity in front of women (in public/real life). believe it or not thats always expected of guys. i guess i was lucky and old enough to know this by the time i ended up in a chair.
same rules apply, just like anyone else. but some of us are still jerks and wont call. lol
we're still guys and to get the women we want we need to make them feel wanted in a non begging way.
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Phil
Junior Member
Posts: 82
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Post by Phil on Apr 7, 2011 8:52:25 GMT -5
Whilst I agree with a lot of what's been said here, it can be hard for disabled people to feel attractive and sexually attractive in a world that doesn't outwardly value disability and certainly doesn't see it as sexually attractive (apart from here of course ;D). That can be an added complexity.
You can still make a woman feel great about herself though even if you have your own anxieties. The difficult part is finding the perfect match where you both sooth each others hangups and they cease to be a problem.
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Post by Be As You Are on Apr 7, 2011 9:04:50 GMT -5
disabled or not its never ok for a guy to show insecurity in front of women (in public/real life). I disagree with this. I agree that confidence is a must have for me to find a guy attractive. However a man that allows his vulnerabilities to come out at times is sexy. It shows me he is real, and comfortable enough in our relationship to be honest. Someone "never" showing this side of himself to me would make me question what else he is trying to hide. Interested to hear from more of the guys on this.. Do you try to never show any vulnerability to a woman, or is there a point in a relationship where you feel it is ok? PS... Is this the reason why guys will never ask for directions? ? God forbid you might be "lost"
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Post by Be As You Are on Apr 7, 2011 9:11:31 GMT -5
You can still make a woman feel great about herself though even if you have your own anxieties. The difficult part is finding the perfect match where you both sooth each others hangups and they cease to be a problem. Thanks Phil, you answered my question while I was typing it
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g
Full Member
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Gender: Male
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Post by g on Apr 7, 2011 9:34:38 GMT -5
@ Be As You Are..... yes there's a point in a relationship to be vulnerable and open up but I dont think it would be a good idea to open up to every women i date.... and vise versa.
but we are all different and we all have different taste in people.
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Post by ruthmadison on Apr 7, 2011 9:44:14 GMT -5
disabled or not its never ok for a guy to show insecurity in front of women (in public/real life). I disagree with this. I agree that confidence is a must have for me to find a guy attractive. However a man that allows his vulnerabilities to come out at times is sexy. It shows me he is real, and comfortable enough in our relationship to be honest. Someone "never" showing this side of himself to me would make me question what else he is trying to hide. Interested to hear from more of the guys on this.. Do you try to never show any vulnerability to a woman, or is there a point in a relationship where you feel it is ok? PS... Is this the reason why guys will never ask for directions? ? God forbid you might be "lost" Yeah, I also disagree. I would say the first few times I meet a guy, I don't want to see his insecurities. But once I get comfortable around him, the next step is to see his vulnerability. That is very endearing in someone that you care about. But when the first thing I see is a guy's insecurity it makes me wonder if he just spends his whole life feeling sorry for himself and is never happy.
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Post by Be As You Are on Apr 7, 2011 9:50:46 GMT -5
@ Be As You Are..... yes there's a point in a relationship to be vulnerable and open up but I dont think it would be a good idea to open up to every women i date.... and vise versa. I agree that there is different timing based on the specific relationship and some might not get to that point at all. When I read your "never" I just took that at face value...
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Post by Pony on Apr 7, 2011 9:56:18 GMT -5
Someone recently told me I 'exude' confidence! I'm not so sure, as I have my insecurities, and I think guys that are blindly confident are usually hiding the insecurity complex. My old guitar player friend was much like that...constantly trying to bolster his superiority! It honestly makes me sick inside to be around him when he's doing that. On the other hand, confidence is sexy....in women, too! I like girls that have an aura of 'hotiness', or feel they are worthy. There's seems to be many women on PD with strong personalities. I dig it!
We all have strengths n weaknesses, and I just keep it real....i don't hide my soft side, and it has helped me to create short stories and music, but I'm also a pretty confident dude. Some of it comes with age...u get more comfortable with who you are as you get experience, or code word for getting OLD. lol
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