Q for those in long term wheeler relationship

[faith]

This is a question for the ladies who have been in a wheeler relationship for a while.

What do you miss about being with an AB guy, if anything?
Was it what you expected?
Do you miss different things than you thought?
And, most importantly, would you ever tell your guy that you missed those things?

I am asking because he has asked me several times if I miss certain things... and the things he asked me I have not missed, so I truthfully say no. But, there have been a few things that I have found myself missing that he hasn't asked.

The things I miss we can't change, so I have never said anything.
I don't want him to ever think he isn't enough, or can't please me... but I don't want to be dishonest either.

How have you all dealt with this issue if it has come up?
Thanks.

[ruthmadison]

I'm very curious to hear the answers to this question! I hope some people will be willing to come forward and speak honestly about it.

Would you be willing to answer your own questions, Faith? What things do you miss?

[sunnydays]

Hi Faith. You have some interesting questions. The longest wheeler relationship I have been in was actually my first wheeler relationship and was during my college days and lasted two years. It ended amicably when we graduated and were each offered jobs on other sides of the country. We still talk and have remained friends. He’s married now and living in Seattle (where it always rains…. Ick!).

Since then I have only dated wheelers. I tend to view AB guys the way I view other women – they can be attractive, and I have no shame in admitting when I see an AB that I find to be handsome/sexually appealing/attractive on a physical level (the same way I can easily admit that a woman is beautiful and sexual) but have no desire to be intimate with or enter a relationship (sexual or not) with an AB again.

Right now (currently 4am, suffering from insomnia, thinking about going to Wal-Mart for some god-awful sugar loaded cereal that would no doubt put me into a diabetic coma) the only thing I can think of that I would miss from an AB guy is the height. It may sound weird but I’m under 5 ft tall (waaaaay too much coffee growing up – maybe it really does stunt your growth – it also causes insomnia ) so the ability of a guy to reach tall places for me was always helpful. When both myself and the guy I’m with are in the 4 ft 8 in bracket, well, I guess we won’t need a lot of tall shelves.

This came up a lot in my dating Andrew (my first wheeler) as I would often start to ask him to reach something and realize half way through the question that, despite being over 6ft tall, when he was sitting he was no taller than I was. (Honey, can you reach the…. Oh wait, no, you can’t reach it either…)

The main thing that seems to be “lacking” (not at all the right word, but the word I want isn’t coming to me) is the spontaneity of dating an AB guy – but growing up in the back of a RV that never stayed in 1 city for more than a few months at a time – spontaneity is something I really NEVER want to experience again. (“Hey Sunny, let’s go see the world’s largest rubber band ball!” “Mom, it’s 3am, go back to sleep.” “No, I can’t sleep. I know, let’s collect pebbles!” “Mom, it’s raining, go the f--- to sleep!” “But Sunny, I want to….” “SLEEP!!!!”)*

The structure that comes from dating a wheeler is a huge turn on and brings a sense of stability that I never had growing up. Not stability in the sense that the relationship cannot turn bad and end, but stability in how we develop a routine and stick with that routine.

Hope that helps.

* This type of conversation was very typical while growing up. Going grocery shopping at 4am, hunting for seashells in the pouring rain, making random and insane drives – sometimes across the country – to see the worst tourist traps imaginable, I have been subject to it all!

[rmrb]

LMAO-- Sunny, your mom sounds about like my mom. I call my parents my "adult children." My dad never completely lost it, but if you don't feed him and wash his socks (or at least reserve washer time for him and put a sticky note on the cabinet to remind him) all hell breaks loose. However, when I was about 8 my mother's brain melted, or so I will swear in a court of law. From then on it was "no, mom, drop the rocks--- yes, I actually do think taking them from flower beds outside businesses is stealing, and you're looking a little . . . oh, never-mind, just put them in your pocket before we go in" and stopping phone calls as a teen to go wake her up 3 times so she didn't sleep upright in a chair and using phrases like "this is your last warning!" What she was really notorious for was saying that she would pick one of us up somewhere and then not showing up--- one time because she was making giant paper butterflies. FACEPALM!

[faith]

Sunny- interesting.

I am a little reluctant to share - can't really pinpoint why... oh, maybe because it seems so trivial, I don't know.

Okay- I miss hard sex. I love being on the bottom and the more submissive one but I am on top 95% of the time because it is just more comfortable. I miss him being able to be rough and deep and all that goes with that. Don't misunderstand, I LOVE what we have and my missing the hard sex is fairly recent, maybe because I have not had it in so long. It won't ever happen so there really is no reason to share this with him- nothing good can come out of it.
In the big picture it is very minor. But I didn't even think I would miss it.

One other thing I miss is a hug standing up. A big hug.

Neither are biggies. But I do miss them.

[sunnydays]

@ Rmrb - "Adult children" - I like it!! After I hit 13 I would say that I was responsible for at least 80% of the "adult" chores. My mother, of course, drove and made any money we had with her palm readings and funky little jewelry she sold, but I made sure we had food, and the meager bills got paid, etc. But there were fun times too - like driving for hours after a rain storm because we wanted to find the pot of gold at the end of the rainbow. The stupid leprechaun kept moving it on us (LOL).

@ Faith - Thank you for your answers. (The last thing I want to sound like is patronizing - so please don't think that is what I mean...) But I cannot imagine how hard it must be to miss something so vital when you have such strong feelings for a group of people. Sex - especially good sex - is an instinctive need and one of the primary drivers towards our intimate relationships.

When it comes to hugs - I can see what you mean about standing hugs (especially hugs from behind, when you don't see them coming), but I love a good sit down hug too. Sitting in his lap and his arms wrapped tight around me. Might not be standing but it sure feels fucking good all the same.

[rmrb]

@sunny-- You sound like me. Similar situation (well, no RVs, palm reading or leprechauns) where my parents continued to work and "provide" for us but I was very much responsible for making sure we were all eating and that bills were paid-- no one would ever come home and so I had a 6-year-old that needed me, and then they would come home and I still had a 6-year-old. It was funny because I took off asap and somehow nothing imploded, but I never felt so guilty as when my then 15-year-old brother would call me upset because he was eating something bizarre out of the freezer and would tell me that it had been a week since they had had anything regular to eat. Even when I live 800 miles away I would have to call one my adult children and get it straightened out, and I would stock the freezers and cook-n-freeze every time I can to visit so he wouldn't have this problem. He finally left himself this past year, but I still get phone calls from my mother complaining about how she forgot to pay the bills or something and my dad got angry. At the same time, we have a good relationship.

[BA]

Apr 15, 2011 23:43:55 GMT -5 faith said:

Sunny- interesting.

I am a little reluctant to share - can't really pinpoint why... oh, maybe because it seems so trivial, I don't know.

Okay- I miss hard sex. I love being on the bottom and the more submissive one but I am on top 95% of the time because it is just more comfortable. I miss him being able to be rough and deep and all that goes with that. Don't misunderstand, I LOVE what we have and my missing the hard sex is fairly recent, maybe because I have not had it in so long.

That is beautifully honest, Faith. It is something I missed from time to time when I was in an LTR, but not until I was a few years into the relationship. We did find a few ways to sort of "mimic" that sensation with some success. (wink) Feel free to PM me if you need/want any tips.

[Emma]

I have been thinking about this one ever since you posted it Faith.

I think in general for me the benefits of dating a guy with a disability FAR out weigh the things I miss about being with an AB guy. I guess that list is for another post. When thinking about it there are a few things I miss.

I miss buying men's shoes.

I miss being out in nature together and exploring Yeah sure, we can go camping and hiking if we can find a flat reasonably well packed and wide trail but that is quite difficult.

I miss being able to play any and every available coed sport together. We do play sports together but they are much more limited.

Most of all I miss being able to go anywhere at anytime and be anonymous, not worrying about staring, inquisitive children and adults.

I have not talked about these things in particular with my husband but I bet he would not be surprised at them.

[Lindsay :)]

What I miss is really only an "issue" in men with higher level SCIs but I miss finger dexterity. I'm a pretty big gamer and enjoy playing video games with the guy I'm with. High level injuries don't allow for them to use the controllers easily. It's not a big deal and I rarely tell them as I can enjoy many other things with the wheelers in my life and I have a lot of platonic friends that I play video games with.

When it comes to thinks such as sex, without getting to perverse on the board, I miss the aspect of *giving* the same pleasure I'm receiving. I think [oral] sex is one of the most intimate acts you can share with your partner, and again, most men with SCIs cannot enjoy the physical sensations they so eagerly give to us. I wish I could give back more.

The rest of the stuff - the hard sex, the standing hugs, the heights, the shoes (I have more than enough shoes for both me AND anyone in my life) are enjoyable but, as Emma said, the enjoyment I get out of my wheeler partner is worth far more than all the things I'm "giving up."

[ruthmadison]

My relationships haven't been long enough for me to know what I would miss.

I can say that I've never really been on the bottom in sex. Maybe three times total in all my life. I have some serious problems with sex that has made missionary impossible even with AB guys!

I also hate giving bjs, when I broke up with my long term AB boyfriend the first thought in my mind was, hopefully dating SCI guys means I'll never have to do that again! Although, actually, I've never had the same hatred of it when I have done it with SCI guys just to help an erection along.

In terms of height, I was out on a date with a wheeler a couple weeks ago and I remember thinking how nice it is that we're pretty much the same height! At 5'4" I felt like I'm a really good height for a wheelchair. Climbing on stepstools or cabinets to get things, I'm always doing that anyway!

I do have trouble opening jars, though. If I date a quad, that could be an issue! As Lindz says, I have been thinking lately about finger dexterity. I went on a date with a quad and I really like him a lot. But he is more disabled than anyone I've dated before and it did make me start to wonder how much I would be taking on. (I also love video games, btw!)

Whenever a wheeler has asked me about the difficulties or compromises, I am quick to say that any trouble that might come with a disability is more than made up for by what I get out of it!

[Cake]

Apr 18, 2011 8:03:37 GMT -5 ruthmadison said:

I can say that I've never really been on the bottom in sex. Maybe three times total in all my life. I have some serious problems with sex that has made missionary impossible even with AB guys!

I also hate giving bjs, when I broke up with my long term AB boyfriend the first thought in my mind was, hopefully dating SCI guys means I'll never have to do that again! Although, actually, I've never had the same hatred of it when I have done it with SCI guys just to help an erection along.

This is something I've read a lot on this board over all the years I've been here.
I think it's very interesting that many SCI devs appear to have problems when it comes to sex where an erect penis is involved. The comments I've seen go from "I find it boring" to "I detest it".
Could it be that the majority of SCI devs don't really like penis, to put it bluntly?
I guess it's also what makes me feel different from many devs here, or less "hardcore".

This is going to sound horrible, but I'm absolutely positive that among other things I would miss hard sex - as Faith put it - very much. I may be the worst dev ever, but yes, I like to be f*cked, and I like to f*ck back.

ETA: Sorry if this is offending anyone, it's not my intention.

[ruthmadison]

Faith, this question and your post are so brave. It's hard to say these things out loud (or type them, as the case might be). It's deeply honest of you and I really appreciate that.

[ruthmadison]

Apr 18, 2011 8:17:51 GMT -5 Cake said:

Apr 18, 2011 8:03:37 GMT -5 ruthmadison said:

I can say that I've never really been on the bottom in sex. Maybe three times total in all my life. I have some serious problems with sex that has made missionary impossible even with AB guys!

I also hate giving bjs, when I broke up with my long term AB boyfriend the first thought in my mind was, hopefully dating SCI guys means I'll never have to do that again! Although, actually, I've never had the same hatred of it when I have done it with SCI guys just to help an erection along.

This is something I've read a lot on this board over all the years I've been here.
I think it's very interesting that many SCI devs appear to have problems when it comes to sex where an erect penis is involved. The comments I've seen go from "I find it boring" to "I detest it".
Could it be that the majority of SCI devs don't really like penis, to put it bluntly?
I guess it's also what makes me feel different from many devs here, or less "hardcore".

This is going to sound horrible, but I'm absolutely positive that among other things I would miss hard sex - as Faith put it - very much. I may be the worst dev ever, but yes, I like to be f*cked, and I like to f*ck back.

ETA: Sorry if this is offending anyone, it's not my intention.

Oh, that doesn't make you a bad dev! lol. It's a struggle to figure out the balance of what we want and what we need and what we can give up and still be happy.

I'm not sure how usual or unusual I am in this subset (I'm going to guess that Emma has no problem with the male body, since she's not dealing with SCI).

I have a history of a lot of difficulty with male genitalia. I'm not sure how related that is to my devness, considering that I had the devness a long time before I found out what sex was and what naked men looked like! I couldn't have known when I was day dreaming about paraplegics at age 9 that their injury affected sexual function. I had no idea at all!

I will admit I hate penises. They scare me, they upset me, I find them ugly. I remember clearly the terror of my first boyfriend advancing on me with an erect penis that was dripping and I just wanted to throw up. I've somewhat been able to enjoy what they do, but I don't want to look at them!

Disability completely neutralizes that fear for me, even when it isn't SCI and that area is not affected.

I'm still in therapy trying to uncover where this intense fear comes from, but I don't think that finding its cause will change my devness at all.

[Emma]

Apr 18, 2011 8:38:12 GMT -5 ruthmadison said:

I'm not sure how usual or unusual I am in this subset (I'm going to guess that Emma has no problem with the male body, since she's not dealing with SCI).

Disability completely neutralizes that fear for me, even when it isn't SCI and that area is not affected.

I agree Cake that does not make you a bad dev. I feel somewhat the same as you do. If my guy did not have that ability, I'd miss it.

But Ruth to help you figure it out.....I don't think its just us devs or even all you SCI devs that are a bit freaked out by penises. I think most women are to some degree. Most of my non-dev friends are not super crazy about giving blow jobs and are not that into penises.

I also wouldn't say that me being an amputee dev automatically categorizes me as not having any issues with the male body. I certainly have had some of those same feelings you describe Ruth. I also agree that in a way, disability cancels those issues out. Sexually, I am completely different with my husband than I was with any of my AB boyfriends.