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Post by Emma on Jun 11, 2011 21:18:57 GMT -5
It appears to me after lots of reading, that most of the devs her have dated someone disabled.(is that true) How many 'wheelers' haave dated bonafide, card-carrying devs? just curious... Of the men I've dated, not one has ever had a previous relationship with a dev that he knew of. I suspect that there are some who have had dates or relationships with devs and not known it. We can be pretty skilled at hiding, given that we grow up in a world that tends to hate or fear us. The more I talk with disabled guys the more I'm thinking that maybe there are a LOT of women out there who are not devs in hiding but are just regular women willing to date guys with disabilities. That idea makes me smile ![:)](//storage.proboards.com/forum/images/smiley/smiley.png) . I have talked about it with a good number of my friends and all of them have said (in a kind way) that no, they would not date someone with a significant physical disability. Maybe my friends are shallow about that type of stuff but all of them work in the field of disability so they are not all that shallow. Anyway, the idea of a non-dev dating a guy with a significant physical disability is sort of fascinating to me. I think it complicates the whole wheeler guilt thing mentioned in another thread as well as makes me wonder about how things go in the bedroom. Oh an unlike Ruth I have only dated 2 guys with disabilities, married the 2nd one ![:D](//storage.proboards.com/forum/images/smiley/grin.png)
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Post by Deleted on Jun 12, 2011 0:38:05 GMT -5
Emma, I have no dev dating experience, and I am 99% certain that none were covert devs. Why would i think that? Well, none were interested in the medical side of my injury, none were interested in touching my stumps, or in my prosthetics either...and all said they had never dated a disabled guy before me. One thing is certain, it has automatically weeded out the shallow non-dev women. I have a disabled friend with a lot of money, and unfortunately he has attracted a couple of shallow gold diggers. The group of women that I have dated have been very diverse...as have the group of women that I have had relationships with. In the U.S. I have dated a model, a registered nurse, a PTA, a corporate executive, an exotic dancer(I met her on the beach...honestly) a stewardess, and a real estate broker. Almost all were college graduates, possessing above average intelligence with a couple of them being very intelligent. Obviously the Physical therapy assist. worked with a handful of disabled people..although most of her patients were minor work-related injuries, or sports injuries. The RN was very compassionate and understood the nature of my injuries...but was a nurse that worked in an elementary school, so no real experience with the disabled. The real estate broker had performed years of care giving for her father with MS, but swore she would not get involved with anyone disabled after seeing what it did to her parents marriage.
I met the RN because she was a friend of a facebook friend, and one other girl that I dated was introduced the same way. I had a match.com profile for awhile...but put lots of pics on it, and a very honest description of my physical condition...in a year, I was contacted once...by a dev from England, and I wasn't open to that at the time. I wasn't pro-active, and didn't contact anyone there...it was a period where my self-esteem was in the toilet. The rest of the gals...I just met in every day life..the stewardess on a flight, the business exec on a flight(she sat next to me)...so, no real pattern there. They were a fairly diverse group demographically, although mostly vanilla. Very diverse economically...including a wealthy model, and business exec, a working single Mom, an unemployed college grad, and mostly middle income types. I think most people would consider them all attractive(the one I married was very average)...a couple were knock-outs. None had any physical disabilities. One was a recovering alcoholic/addict.
I dated two women from Mexico, and one from Venezuela...the rest American. I've never been in another foreign country long enough to cultivate a relationship. One Mexican I met in the U.S., the other while vacationing in Mexico...the Venezuelan, I met online..chatted with her a few months..took a 15 hr flight to Caracas,, and spent two weeks with her, and a second trip a month and a half later that lasted a month.(This was probably the most impulsive thing I ever did romantically...she was 26, a college grad, and never had a positive relationship with a man..period)
I frankly had given this no thought whatsoever before reading your post just now...so am spewing this out as I am thinking about it. There isn't one in the bunch that I would NOT have dated when I was AB. The lone exception to that would probably have been the one I married.
I wouldn't presume that your friends were shallow because of their statement. Prior to my accident, I never had occasion to ask myself whether or not I would date a disabled woman...if asked, I suspect that I would have said ''that I was not open to it.'' I spent most of my pre-accident life married. I can also tell you that many of these girls received flak from friends and family over dating a disabled guy. Several told me that they had never considered dating a disabled guy, and a few told me that they would not have been open to it if asked.
I don't know how it all worked from a scientific or psychological standpoint...but it did...there were three relationships longer than a year, and most longer than six months.
I can definitely say to my bros on wheels... high quality women WILL go out with you....beautiful women WILL go out with you...intelligent women WILL go out with you...strippers WILL go out with you(even without money being exchanged!) I haven't been successfully married very long post accident...or stayed married to the woman I was with when I had my accident...so We will have to heaar aboutt that from one of the other guys...hopefully we will!
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Post by ruthmadison on Jun 12, 2011 5:41:21 GMT -5
I think many of the relationships I come across between women and disabled men (I don't have any experience the other way round) are not dev relationships. It really does seem like there are many women who fall in love with the guy and learn to deal with the disability, just another thing in life.
looknohands, you're probably right, they were probably not covert devs. But it's still hard to know. I feel so shy and uncomfortable about my attraction that I often do not pay attention to the very thing that attracts me! I hardly give any attention at all to a guy's disability because I want to know that I'm seeing him as a person and I feel weird and guilty if I were to fixate on the thing that turns me on.
Anyway, I completely agree that great, ordinary women will go out with disabled guys. It's up to the guys to be confident and charming to show them that they can enjoy it, it might take a little convincing, but not any more so than any guy goes through to pick up a girl.
The things I've been reading lately seem to think that women don't place as high a value on appearance as men do, and that may be generally true. A woman is much more likely to put aside her list of physical requirements in a guy if he has the personality and emotional qualities she's looking for.
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Post by Deleted on Jun 12, 2011 6:27:23 GMT -5
I think it's great Ruth...that although the disability is the initial attraction...you immediately shelve it in order to get to know the person. For me, as a disabled guy...I have seen a ton of women that are very shallow when it comes to physical appearance. Comically, I've had disabled friends say to me ''I wouldn't date her...she's 30 pounds overweight!'' I laugh my butt off, and say look at your scrawny ass...your 30 pounds underweight!...but your right...you should hold out for a perfect body.
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Post by ruthmadison on Jun 12, 2011 7:51:38 GMT -5
I think it's great Ruth...that although the disability is the initial attraction...you immediately shelve it in order to get to know the person. For me, as a disabled guy...I have seen a ton of women that are very shallow when it comes to physical appearance. Comically, I've had disabled friends say to me ''I wouldn't date her...she's 30 pounds overweight!'' I laugh my butt off, and say look at your scrawny ass...your 30 pounds underweight!...but your right...you should hold out for a perfect body. I've been accused of being shallow. Certainly I need there to be a disability or else it's not going to work, but I'm lucky that my devness is not super specific. I've gone out with men who have a wide variety of disabilities and been equally satisfied with all of them. Basic decent looks and some kind of mobility disability are my physical requirements, but then I also want someone who makes me feel protected and cared for, and someone who finds my geekiness cute and endearing. A respect for my spiritual beliefs is also important, and a willingness to communicate directly and honestly. I don't do tact very well.
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Post by Deleted on Jun 12, 2011 13:55:32 GMT -5
I've had gay men accuse me of being shallow too...LOL but that didn't change my non-interest. For me, there has to be a physical attraction initially..thanks to what I've been through physically...my physical standards are much less stringent...I've dated a wide variety age-wise, size-wise, looks-wise. tell me more about this geekiness...that could be hot...
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Post by ruthmadison on Jun 12, 2011 14:18:11 GMT -5
I've had gay men accuse me of being shallow too...LOL but that didn't change my non-interest. For me, there has to be a physical attraction initially..thanks to what I've been through physically...my physical standards are much less stringent...I've dated a wide variety age-wise, size-wise, looks-wise. tell me more about this geekiness...that could be hot... I have "sexy librarian" down pat. That's my look I don't appear geeky at first glance except maybe my glasses, but once you get to know me you discover that I play World of Warcraft, both the MMO and TCG. I watch Dr. Who, and Babylon 5, and Star Trek TNG was my favorite show as a kid. I went to some Star Trek conventions. I have a game group where I play the latest board games like Settlers of Catan and Arkam Horror. I have a shirt with the chemical formula of chocolate on it, or rather of theobromyde. So yeah, I would categorize myself as a geek.
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Post by Deleted on Jun 12, 2011 14:28:53 GMT -5
dO YOU WEAR rOMULAN LINGERIE TO BED?
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Post by ruthmadison on Jun 12, 2011 14:31:56 GMT -5
dO YOU WEAR rOMULAN LINGERIE TO BED? Hahaha, not quite. I dressed as a Klingon for my birthday party when I was 16... I've always liked Klingons. I'm tempted to try a slave Leia costume for Halloween, though...
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Post by Deleted on Jun 12, 2011 15:49:02 GMT -5
the sexy librarian sounds fun...can you pull off the sexy school girl? I am willing to play Jabba btw... you could feed me cheetos
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Post by jordsbaby on Jun 12, 2011 21:50:12 GMT -5
Get a room you two ![;)](//storage.proboards.com/forum/images/smiley/wink.png)
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Post by Deleted on Jun 13, 2011 2:55:14 GMT -5
Get a room you two ![;)](//storage.proboards.com/forum/images/smiley/wink.png) ![???](//storage.proboards.com/forum/images/smiley/huh.png)
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Post by jordsbaby on Jun 13, 2011 6:44:50 GMT -5
Just having it on with you, Jeff ![:P](//storage.proboards.com/forum/images/smiley/tongue.png)
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Post by ruthmadison on Jun 13, 2011 7:02:06 GMT -5
the sexy librarian sounds fun...can you pull off the sexy school girl? I am willing to play Jabba btw... you could feed me cheetos I have a school girl costume and I enjoy braiding my super long hair in pigtails ![:)](//storage.proboards.com/forum/images/smiley/smiley.png) Don't know if I pull it off or not, but I haven't had any complaints.
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Post by ruthmadison on Jun 13, 2011 7:02:25 GMT -5
Get a room you two ![;)](//storage.proboards.com/forum/images/smiley/wink.png) ![:P](//storage.proboards.com/forum/images/smiley/tongue.png)
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