How do I convince him I am for real?

[Pixie]

First of all, let me say how wonderful this site is. I am so glad to have found it and to know that I am not a lone freak in this world. I have been lurking for awhile, waiting for the right opportunity to post. I think I have found it. I could use some insight and advice.

I am a mid-30's female devo. I have been lucky enough to be involved with an amazing "kick-ass wheeler" (to quote matisse) for nearly six months now. I have never been happier. And I thought the same was true for him. But today's discussion about plans for the coming year, things we want to do together, unraveled into a very emotional conversation with him doubting how I can truly be attracted to him and me trying to reassure him. He is not an SCI guy. He has spina bifida. He says he could understand my attraction to an SCI guy much better because the majority of them had the chance to grow normally before injury. I am deeply attracted to him, physically and emotionally, but after days like today, I can't see how this relationship will have a positive ending if I can't convince him that I am in this for the long haul.

How do I make him understand that his disability makes him more attractive to me, not less attractive? And how do I make him understand that it isn't the most important thing? Like I said, he is the kick-ass wheeler variety... very successful in his field, a strong and vocal advocate in his community...there is a long list of reasons he is a great catch. And I am thrilled that we are together. And now I am rambling... if this post made sense to anyone, I would appreciate your comments.

Thanks!
Pixie

[BA]

Welcome Pixie, and Happy New Year! So glad you finally started to post. The problem here sounds like a bit of insecurity on the part of your guy not feeling somehow "worthy" or else he is using "un-worthy" as an excuse for being afraid to commit more deeply to the relationship.

Have you discussed going for relationship counseling with him in order to address these feelings of inadequacy? It may let him know how truly serious you are about him. Also, what are his particular concerns? WHAT is he afraid that you will grow tired of? What does he think that he CAN'T offer yu? How does he feel that he hasn't grown "normally" and why is he comparing himself to an SCI person? I am sure that you have told him how deeply you feel for him but somehow I think that he is NOT telling you something and not fully opening up. All you can do is tell him how you feel and ask him to be equally open with you. If he continues to be really insecure, then perhaps he needs to go for some individual counseling.

Incidentally, I have been in a relationship with a guy for several months who has had a disability from a very young age (had Transverse Myelitis) as a very young child and so never really had a "normal" growing up either. He has a healthy sense of confidence when it comes to relationships and his experiences by and large have been positive. I find his sense of self-normalcy to be most attractive and sexy.

[devogirl]

Hi Pixie, this has happened to me, I know how you feel I dated a quad for 2 years, we met on the internet so he knew I was a devotee from the beginning. I thought he was ok with it, but when he broke up with me he flung it all back in my face: "You only like me because of some sick fetish, I don't know what happened to fuck you up but I hope you get help." etc etc. And the best: "I don't know you, you're just some chick from the internet." It hurt so so much to hear those things because I thought he understood that I loved him, being a devo didn't make my love less valid. It took me a long time to realize he was just saying those things to hurt me, because he knew it would upset me more than anything. The real problem was not me being a devo, but him not being able to believe that someone could love him and find him attractive, so he drove me away.

You asked, "How do I make him understand that his disability makes him more attractive to me, not less attractive? And how do I make him understand that it isn't the most important thing?" You can't--he has to realize for himself that he is attractive and worthy of love, just because of who he is, devo and disability issues aside. You can tell him that, but if he's not ready to believe it, he won't hear you. Seeing a therapist might be the best thing for him. Good luck and let us know how it goes. We're here to help.

[Triassic]

Just give him the URL for this board and say; 'This is me. This is what I'm into.' If he can't deal with it, well..move on sister.

[Triassic]

Except...this site doesn't deal much specifically about SB. I geuss he feels he's unattractive because his lower body is not adult sized. But if you've assured him you're attracted, I don't see what else you can do.

[Pixie]

Thanks for the welcome and the responses. My guy and I had a wonderful time at a party last night and while kissing at midnight, all of the doubts from earlier in the day seemed forgotten. I love it when we have times like that.

All of you raise some interesting points. And Triassic got to the root of my guy's insecurities. I guess I didn't state it very clearly myself. He is not adult-sized. I have been honest about being a devo and prior to meeting him, my attraction centered around SCI guys. But my attraction to him was immediate. He was giving a presentation at a trade show. I heard his voice, saw his face, saw the way he handled himself and that was all it took. We met later in the day when I got up the nerve to compliment him on the demo. Adn I found out he was a really great guy and lots of fun to be around. We wereinseperable for the rest of the show and have been almost every weekend since (We live in the same state, different cities about 2 hours apart.).

At any rate, my interest is genuine. Since I am mid-30's and single, holding out for Mr. Right, I have had plenty of time to focus on my career and am successful in my own right. I do not need his money or his corporate title to bolster me.

I think it boils down to waht you all have said. I have made my feelings clear. That is the best I can do. Thanks again, everyone.

[mrjefffurz]

this thread brings up an issue near to my,,,well, not my heart,,maybe my spleen,,,,i still carry quite a bit of baggage from my former marriage where self-esteem is concerned,,,i realize im not anywhere close to what is generally considered good-looking,,,i am also aware that women arent typically "look-istic" as most men,,,,i know that my main "selling point" is my personality and that it gets me lots of attention,,,BUT,,,while i know this in my brain,,,in my sub-conscious mind i still hear all those hurtful things and the least little thing sinks my ship...example: last nite the lady ive been calling miss hairbrush seemed to have latched onto a tall, young, not butt-ugly cowboy,,,made my spleen ache,,,*sigh*,,,i guess it is just going to take time to reach a point where i can feel that there is no reason why a woman should NOT find me interwsting & attractive to her,,,

[wheelie37]

Like yourself first and if they know a good thing they will let you know good luck for the new year

[damedevo]

"i realize im not anywhere close to what is generally considered good-looking...the least little thing sinks my ship"

Mrjefffurz, I've got the same problem, and the awareness that one does not measure up to beauty standards is surely a curse. Ignorance might be bliss--and might help some of us to implement Wheelie37's kind advice. I find that purging mirrors from the home helps, but I've run into conflict with my very cute daughter, who wants to admire herself day and night.

I checked your profile and saw that you and I also appear to be the geezers of the board. In my case, incipient geezerhood is forcing me to give up all hope that I'll ever be better-looking in the future! Alas.

Courage! Maybe Miss Hairbrush will find out that the tall stranger is vain and a jerk.

[hmmm]

Ok some people are not gonna like this.but if thats hes attitude hes either after sympathy and feels sorry himself, or hes a loser with no self asteem.aww feel sorry for me cos im a cripple or ugly,ffs he needs to grow up.........

[cripinuk]

Ooops sorry wasnt logged in,one up was me... 8-)Oh and btw devogirl i hope you didnt take that guy back..

[Lee]

Devogirl: are you referring to the same guy who flamed me for having his picture up?

[devogirl]

Yes, the very one. This happened several years ago. And yes, he did later want to get back together, but I said no. I these romantic fantasies of saving him, that my love would make him realize how great he was, but it didn't turn out that way. I realized that not only was the relationship not making either of us happy, but his insecurities seemed to be getting worse. Anyway, I'm over it now, but I brought it up to point out that if your guy doubts your feelings for him because you're a devo, there's usually a lot more going on, and that simply reassuring him that you find him attractive might not be enough. And also, sadly, as much as you want to help someone, sometimes you just can't. Anyway I really hope Pixie's situation is different from mine. It already sounds from her second post that things are more hopeful, so here's hoping

[E]

devogirl said:

Yes, the very one. This happened several years ago. And yes, he did later want to get back together, but I said no. I these romantic fantasies of saving him, that my love would make him realize how great he was, but it didn't turn out that way. I realized that not only was the relationship not making either of us happy, but his insecurities seemed to be getting worse. Anyway, I'm over it now, but I brought it up to point out that if your guy doubts your feelings for him because you're a devo, there's usually a lot more going on, and that simply reassuring him that you find him attractive might not be enough. And also, sadly, as much as you want to help someone, sometimes you just can't. Anyway I really hope Pixie's situation is different from mine. It already sounds from her second post that things are more hopeful, so here's hoping

I'd think just being with you would be the cure to all insecurity issues. I know I'd have to keep my ego in check.

[cripinuk]

omg what an ass kisser lol...