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Post by ruthmadison on Jul 9, 2011 20:53:46 GMT -5
I'm sorry this has happened to you, darkie. If it's the guy I think then you're the second married woman whom he's done something similar to/with. I think it IS because we're devs that some of them feel free to treat us like crap. I no longer push AT ALL. If I'm talking to a guy and he doesn't respond... I immediately assume he's found someone else he's interested in or is simply no longer interested in me. It's generally found someone else and so far, I've been right. Even lately.  I hope the pain and frustration fades soon. This is why we really do need to create a registry of guys to share our experiences and discover if we're being chatted up by the same guys  |
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Post by lookingfor on Jul 9, 2011 22:12:21 GMT -5
Haha... I agree... some type of anonymous registry
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Post by Dee Dee on Jul 10, 2011 14:44:15 GMT -5
I think it conflicts with the "I am not at liberty to tell" - principle, which is often used around here.
And ... I don´t really like the idea ... I mean it may be that one guy does not get along with one devotee, but it could be that he could get along with another devotee.
I have said this before: don´t we want to give people the benefit of the doubt?
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Post by Inigo Montoya on Jul 10, 2011 15:25:17 GMT -5
It's one thing to give someone the benefit of the doubt... but when you hear the of one person's same behavior from multiple people.... it makes it seem like that person has a problem that hurts others rather than "one guy not getting along with one devotee."
That's true suck. When you've got the same person doing the same thing to multiple people because they don't know each other.
That's a true bastard, imo.
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Post by Inigo Montoya on Jul 10, 2011 15:34:10 GMT -5
It's one thing to give someone the benefit of the doubt... but when you hear the of one person's same behavior from multiple people.... it makes it seem like that person has a problem that hurts others rather than "one guy not getting along with one devotee." That's true suck. When you've got the same person doing the same thing to multiple people because they don't know each other. That's a true bastard, imo. Yes!!! It's one thing to be purposely naive in a new relationship, but if there are red flags, and with these people there ARE ALWAYS red flags, asking around is just responsible. And notice I didn't say "guy". Women can be just as predatory and manipulative... Should've included that... a real bastard or bitch... I hope there's not a lot of the devs doing that. I only know of a few instances of really bad dev behavior. But maybe I'm not talking to enough of the guys. |
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Post by Dee Dee on Jul 10, 2011 15:45:51 GMT -5
I just hope that there are not enough of those people to actually make a registry.
I do think we have to be very careful in these situations.
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Post by Emma on Jul 10, 2011 19:27:16 GMT -5
Wow, I go away for 2 days and there is a lot to catch up on especially in this thread.
I am so sorry that happened to you Darkie (and the rest of you who have shared similar stories). I think what we are all forgetting is that guys in general can be jerks. The internet is a place where people can be anonymous and it just adds to the jerk potential. I don't know if any of this behavior is something to attribute just to wheeler guys.
I'm not sure establishing a directory is a good idea either but I think it can't just be a list of guys to avoid because like others have said everyone is different. I know things can get dicey with who is talking to who and since many of you are looking for the same thing people tend to keep their contacts with guys secret. I think we just all need to be in contact with each other especially with other devs who live nearby.
Also, I do not think its the best idea to be "persistent" in finding out why the guy disappeared Dee Dee and Ruth. Yeah sure, it's hard to understand why they chose to just disappear instead of giving you an explanation as to why they lost interest but that's what you should do. Like Lucretia said they may show back up again and it's best to just leave it instead of demanding an answer. No one likes to be hounded and nothing good comes of it. I think one or two bids for contact and then just leave it since he clearly is not the one.
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Post by devogirl on Jul 10, 2011 19:31:17 GMT -5
I get that the idea of a registry was meant as a joke, that's fine, but we are not going to form a registry here. It's alienating and too easily abused. However, if you are using this board to meet guys for potential relationships, it's a good idea to network with the other women here. Make friends by PM, or in the live chats or skype sessions. You do have to be careful meeting people online, and asking around is part of common sense precautions. To you lurkers out there, don't be isolated.
I'm sorry to hear you've all had such bad experiences. It's happened to me too. I got suckered by a con artist years ago, an AB guy. He was handsome and had money, he could have dated anyone he wanted, but I think he liked psychologically manipulating women. I know I wasn't the only one he did it too. He was a sick fuck. But I think people like that are rare.
I also had a para disappear on me, after 2-3 weeks of really serious dates (IRL and everything!), suddenly he said he was going into the hospital for a UTI, then nothing, I could not reach him anywhere. I freaked out--I was sure he had died. Six months later I saw his personal ad go back up--the fucker! In that case, I'm sure he really did have a UTI, he wasn't a con artist, nor did he suffer from lack of confidence. I met up with him again briefly after he resurfaced, and it was clear he just wanted to sleep around. I think the disappearing act was because he didn't want a relationship. But I've also had AB guys disappear on me for the same reason.
There are many different reasons guys flake out, but I think the internet is what causes a lot of this. Many people seem to treat relationships that start on the internet as not real, just a fantasy. I dated a guy for TWO YEARS IRL but when he broke up with me, he said "It doesn't matter, you're just some chick I met on the internet."
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Post by devogirl on Jul 10, 2011 19:38:58 GMT -5
I would add to what Emma said, when a guy does disappear, I agree it's best not to go looking for an answer. I know when you're caught up in the moment you really want to know, even if it's potentially hurtful. But having been on the other side as well, I can tell you it's really really hard to tell someone you're just not into him/her. If he doesn't have the courage to call/email to say "thanks but no thanks" he certainly won't have the courage to say whatever the real reason is for ending the relationship. It sucks, I know. But in the end it's better to just let it go and move on.
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Post by ruthmadison on Jul 10, 2011 19:43:04 GMT -5
Wow, I go away for 2 days and there is a lot to catch up on especially in this thread. I am so sorry that happened to you Darkie (and the rest of you who have shared similar stories). I think what we are all forgetting is that guys in general can be jerks. The internet is a place where people can be anonymous and it just adds to the jerk potential. I don't know if any of this behavior is something to attribute just to wheeler guys. I'm not sure establishing a directory is a good idea either but I think it can't just be a list of guys to avoid because like others have said everyone is different. I know things can get dicey with who is talking to who and since many of you are looking for the same thing people tend to keep their contacts with guys secret. I think we just all need to be in contact with each other especially with other devs who live nearby. Also, I do not think its the best idea to be "persistent" in finding out why the guy disappeared Dee Dee and Ruth. Yeah sure, it's hard to understand why they chose to just disappear instead of giving you an explanation as to why they lost interest but that's what you should do. Like Lucretia said they may show back up again and it's best to just leave it instead of demanding an answer. No one likes to be hounded and nothing good comes of it. I think one or two bids for contact and then just leave it since he clearly is not the one. Oh yeah, the registry thing is totally a joke, it would never really work. It would be as terrible as that "don't date him, girl" website. It's not really fair or kind. I've stopped being persistent. Now I don't expect much from guys, especially Internet guys. Just like Devogirl said, so many of them don't think of it as real because it's the Internet, like somehow they're connected to robots...? Apparently you go to the Internet for fantasy and silly me, I was hoping for love. |
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Post by Dee Dee on Jul 10, 2011 20:21:35 GMT -5
I get that the idea of a registry was meant as a joke, that's fine, but we are not going to form a registry here. It's alienating and too easily abused. However, if you are using this board to meet guys for potential relationships, it's a good idea to network with the other women here. Make friends by PM, or in the live chats or skype sessions. You do have to be careful meeting people online, and asking around is part of common sense precautions. To you lurkers out there, don't be isolated. I'm sorry to hear you've all had such bad experiences. It's happened to me too. I got suckered by a con artist years ago, an AB guy. He was handsome and had money, he could have dated anyone he wanted, but I think he liked psychologically manipulating women. I know I wasn't the only one he did it too. He was a sick f*ck. But I think people like that are rare. I also had a para disappear on me, after 2-3 weeks of really serious dates (IRL and everything!), suddenly he said he was going into the hospital for a UTI, then nothing, I could not reach him anywhere. I freaked out--I was sure he had died. Six months later I saw his personal ad go back up--the f*cker! In that case, I'm sure he really did have a UTI, he wasn't a con artist, nor did he suffer from lack of confidence. I met up with him again briefly after he resurfaced, and it was clear he just wanted to sleep around. I think the disappearing act was because he didn't want a relationship. But I've also had AB guys disappear on me for the same reason. There are many different reasons guys flake out, but I think the internet is what causes a lot of this. Many people seem to treat relationships that start on the internet as not real, just a fantasy. I dated a guy for TWO YEARS IRL but when he broke up with me, he said "It doesn't matter, you're just some chick I met on the internet." I´m afraid that the number of sick fucks is larger than we think  . The internet is sometimes a blessing and sometimes a curse - sad as it is! I know that I have learned to be careful ... DevoGirl, I cannot believe that a guy would say something like that to you!  |
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Post by lookingfor on Jul 11, 2011 0:22:29 GMT -5
I agree Lucretia, I haven't been nearly as involved in this board as a lot of you other ladies, so I don't know you all as well. I haven't really had any bad experiences on PD. Now in real life, that is a whole other story!
I do think networking is important, but I also think it is important for us to keep in mind, as has been said before, that maybe it wasn't just the best experience for us personally. This guy could be completely different for another girl. I however have never been close with many girls, and even with the ones that I am close to, I tend not to talk to much about a relationship until it becomes well-established. I would most likely never ask anyone about any guy in particular. No offense to you all but that is just how I am.
I have let other people's opinions and warnings get in the way of a relationship before and I wish that I hadn't. Now if some guy is some kind of serial douche I would love to know... chances are he isn't going to change anytime soon.
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Post by Inigo Montoya on Jul 11, 2011 6:30:14 GMT -5
Lookingfor, I hope you never have a bad experience on PD. That's what we're talking about, serial douchbaggery. (Or at least, I am.) It's more than "not the best experience personally." And... I supposed maybe some day the guy who targets married women will find the woman he'll be different for. Hell, he might be married himself and so he may already have that woman who he'll be different for. lol It just sucks to be in a conversation going... "yeah, so-and-so had the same experience... she and the OTHER chick he was playing at the time thought they'd taken care of it so that he wouldn't do it to anyone else here, sucks that they were wrong." I'm just frustrated by that... that's what this is about for me... those fairly rare but still sucky conversations. Nobody's trying to force anyone to ask... I think it's mostly in the way of an offer. Like... if you're getting some things that seem to be red flags, don't hesitate to talk to someone. Most of the time when you ask about someone what you'll get is... "Oh, he's a good conversationalist" or "0o0o0, yeah! You might like him because of A and B." Of the guys I've met here, I like most of them. Not gonna be starting anything with any of them, mutually,  but most of them are good guys. Same for most of the women. Even if I'm not particularly close with them I still like them. I'm generally pretty thrilled when people from here hook up. The majority of people I know would get vouched for. So far, I've only regretted that once. (Sorry, Luracita =/ ) I am, personally, just expressing frustration that this happens. That I know one more person walking into something only to learn, well after the fact, that the person has a talent for building hopes for something that s/he never intend to... idk how to say it... fulfill? Just flat out playing with people's emotions? There really ISN'T anything proactive anybody can do about it. It frustrates me, so I'm bitching about it. *shrug* DG, was Mr. OnlyAGirlFromTheInternet an ass the whole time? Or had he been saving up? |
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Post by BA on Jul 11, 2011 8:08:37 GMT -5
I think it conflicts with the "I am not at liberty to tell" - principle, which is often used around here. And ... I don´t really like the idea ... I mean it may be that one guy does not get along with one devotee, but it could be that he could get along with another devotee. I have said this before: don´t we want to give people the benefit of the doubt? Yes 'serial douchbaggery/bitchery' are the key watch words here. DD, 'Not at liberty to discuss' is my stock reply if I am asked to dish dirt about board members in general. However, if someone tells me that they are engaged in a burgeoning relationship/friendship with someone and I know that person has been a serial douchebag or deceiver then I have no problem saying 'please be careful'. I have been here a pretty long time, seen many interactions, been a ear for quite a few hurts and have developed some very close friendships (both male and female). So yes, if I know someone is a habitual problem, I will tell my friend honestly. Like most of you, I feel there is certainly no need for a registry. |
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Post by devogirl on Jul 11, 2011 9:05:37 GMT -5
DG, was Mr. OnlyAGirlFromTheInternet an ass the whole time? Or had he been saving up? Oh, definitely the whole time. My friends kept telling me to leave him, and I knew he was no good for me, but hey, he was a cute wheeler so I hung on to the bitter end, to my regret. It was a nasty breakup, and that was just one of many hurtful things he said. |
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but most of them are good guys. Same for most of the women. Even if I'm not particularly close with them I still like them. I'm generally pretty thrilled when people from here hook up. The majority of people I know would get vouched for. So far, I've only regretted that once. (Sorry, Luracita =/ ) 