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Post by darkie on Jul 8, 2011 9:31:28 GMT -5
Ladies, i just want to tell, not blame or accuse someone. I met a guy...a wheeler. He used to be on PD but cleared his account when we came closer. We used yahoo first, then exchanged our telephonenumbers, had some calls (he was paying-btw) and very intense contact. And as some of you might know, i am married. But i think i stand on a crossing and have to change my life. This just for your information. I don´t wanna cheat or anything like this. I told this guy that i am married from the absolute beginning. To make a long story short....we had three very intense weekends - temporally and emotionally (just on the internet because he lives far far away) - and then....he was gone....out of nothing....we parted one evening...just to meet an hour late....and he never came back...no reaction to mail, skype or yahoo. You might think, that happens on the internet...maybe...but i am afraid that he treated me like this...because i am a dev and he knew.....
I don´t want to make him believe that i stalk him...so I withdraw..completely. He shouldn´t be afraid of us devs
The question is: Have you ever been mistreated because of being a dev ?
I have to add: After our first weekend of chatting....I told him either to stop when just playing around or....well...call me if being serious....and then he called me....so the story began...and he made me so happy...but this is another story.
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Post by dentelle on Jul 8, 2011 9:37:41 GMT -5
Huggggles
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Post by ruthmadison on Jul 8, 2011 9:41:17 GMT -5
I've had similar experiences six times now.
Not just over the Internet either. I've met people in person, had the start of something that seemed promising, and after one or two meetings, they never contact me again, don't take my calls, disappear forever with no explanation.
Always wheelers.
I'm starting to feel pretty damaged from it, to tell the truth.
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Post by darkie on Jul 8, 2011 9:44:41 GMT -5
I´m torn.....to be honest. And I feel sorry, Ruth, that you experienced the same. I was honest. I was sooo honest, with everything I told him....Simply I am of the opinion, that I didn´t deserve such a treatment...but have to accept.
The wheeler you met, Ruth, they know about your being a Dev ?
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Post by ruthmadison on Jul 8, 2011 10:03:46 GMT -5
I´m torn.....to be honest. And I feel sorry, Ruth, that you experienced the same. I was honest. I was sooo honest, with everything I told him....Simply I am of the opinion, that I didn´t deserve such a treatment...but have to accept. The wheeler you met, Ruth, they know about your being a Dev ? Yes, I'm always very upfront with guys about being a dev. I tell them before we meet. Here's how the scenario usually goes: I meet someone online. He's cute, attractive, he thinks I am too. I tell him about being a dev and he is thrilled. How cool, how interesting. We email intensely back and forth (I really dislike IM), I give him my number and he calls frequently. We have great conversations. He tells me how beautiful I am, how interesting I am, how glad he is that I appreciate his body. We make plans to meet. We have a date, usually a long one, as travel is generally involved. We have a great time, at least it seems that way. He goes back home (I usually make guys come to me rather than go to them). He disappears off the face of the earth never to be seen again. Over and over and over and over. I agree, you open up your heart, you let yourself hope and get excited for the possibilities and then you get absolutely crushed. It's happened to me so much that I am barely even able to open my heart anymore. I'm bitter, I'm sad, I don't trust the men that I meet, I no longer believe men who tell me that I'm pretty or that they like me. I do think that I deserve some communication after opening myself up like that, being vulnerable with them. If you're freaked out then TELL ME. If I'm not what you thought I would be, TELL ME. If all you wanted was some sex, TELL ME. These men are completely ruining me. They are shredding my hope and my confidence. |
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Post by darkie on Jul 8, 2011 10:09:13 GMT -5
Couldn´t have said this better.
He suggested a visit as soon as he would be able to get vaccation.
At least I have to admit, that he was on sick leave because he wasn´t well, so the first days of his absence I was worried about his health a lot and he knew this. I thought, he disappeared because he didn´t feel well and maybe wasn´t able to...communicate....but after a week....well.....
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Post by ~Z28gal~ on Jul 8, 2011 10:31:10 GMT -5
 I think most of us have been through something like that... I don't know that it's because we're devs, but whatever the reason, no, you girls certainly don't deserve to be treated like that. It's hard, I think, to react the same way you would to an AB guy, to be cautious and be willing to walk away when things aren't right. The internet is like a mask we all wear, and too many things can hide behind it.
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Post by dolly on Jul 8, 2011 13:49:27 GMT -5
this seems to be an all too common occurrence and it sucks.
the only comfort i've found in it is that it seems to happen to all of us! which, again, sucks. but you are not alone in your experience.
i think it's important to share these experiences with each other. not only can we hopefully learn to protect ourselves more emotionally in these circumstances, but also support from others who understand at these times is invaluable.
it's one of the reasons i am so grateful for this devs only section.
i think, as devs, a lot of us have more difficulty opening up and exposing our vulnerability genuinely with wheelers because the feelings run so deep and the potential for hurt and pain is so enormous. so when we do, and are let down... or worse, hung out to dry... it is really brutal.
also, a lot of times (as darkie mentioned), these guys do have health issues come up. and when they disappear on us it leaves us very worried. it pisses me off that so much of our energy and emotion is drained in worry when it is unwarranted and the guy turns out to just be acting like a jerk.
i haven't had too many bad experiences but i have had a few. and the reason i haven't had too many is because i haven't put myself out there too much... for these very reasons.
i try to always remind myself that it 'just takes one'. the one right guy. and the ones that come and go just aren't that guy.
i'm so sorry this happened to you, darkie.
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Post by darkie on Jul 8, 2011 14:36:20 GMT -5
Ladies, thank you so much for supporting me and understanding me and... i thought it was my fault....i am the dev in this game. it is true, what dolly said...we are vulnerable.
i also agree with dollys opinion on the health issues. i honestly worry (still !) about him. and this has nothing to do with being a dev. i don´t want anybody in pain or suffer.
first of all i am a human being. and as such we all here and anywhere else deserve honesty. maybe i have too high standards. but i won´t drop down my own standard because of this. i am honest.
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Post by Dee Dee on Jul 8, 2011 16:13:12 GMT -5
Personally I used to have a LOT of trust in men. A LOT. Now? Not so much. There is still confidence and of course there are good men out there, but boy(sic!) they are hard to find - and can be even harder to keep! I must say that I really, really don´t like it when people just "disappear" - it is impolite and disrespectful. So, at least reply to the person who is interested in you. A negative reply is better than no reply. I get ... well, persistent. It sounds harsh, but I demand to get an answer whatever that answer may be. It has to do with common sense and respect for other people  . I don´t think disabled men are better or worse than able-bodied men in this respect. If someone walks out on you, he is not worth it. If someone wheels out on you, he is not worth pushing! |
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Post by Dee Dee on Jul 8, 2011 16:32:23 GMT -5
also, a lot of times (as darkie mentioned), these guys do have health issues come up. and when they disappear on us it leaves us very worried. it pisses me off that so much of our energy and emotion is drained in worry when it is unwarranted and the guy turns out to just be acting like a jerk. YES!!! |
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Post by ruthmadison on Jul 9, 2011 9:14:02 GMT -5
I am sometimes persistent in seeking a reason.
First time it happened, after a week of no contact (this was a guy who called me every single day for three months before we met, then after, nothing). I left a very calm and rational voicemail saying I thought I deserved an explanation. He called back and gave me a completely BS excuse. I let it go.
Second guy I called a couple times, left upbeat messages, trying to sound cool. No response.
Third guy, called, sent an email to say that I understand if he's decided he doesn't want to see me anymore but I would like some word from him, particularly because he had read my book and never told me his reaction (I'm going to guess that the disappearing act was his reaction).
I think that might be it for the ones that happened in person, I thought it was more than that. The rest are just people that I talked to on the Internet and never got as far before they disappeared. Unless I'm forgetting someone, which is possible.
I know that it's hard to face giving someone an explanation when you've decided that you're not right together, but MAN UP AND DO IT. I do it. I have guys that I go out with where I'm just not feeling it, and as difficult as the conversation is, I tell them that it's not going to work. I don't ignore their contact and hope they give up, slink away like a coward.
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Post by Inigo Montoya on Jul 9, 2011 10:01:02 GMT -5
I'm sorry this has happened to you, darkie. If it's the guy I think then you're the second married woman whom he's done something similar to/with. I think it IS because we're devs that some of them feel free to treat us like crap. I no longer push AT ALL. If I'm talking to a guy and he doesn't respond... I immediately assume he's found someone else he's interested in or is simply no longer interested in me. It's generally found someone else and so far, I've been right. Even lately.  I hope the pain and frustration fades soon. |
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Post by Dee Dee on Jul 9, 2011 12:41:35 GMT -5
Exactly, Ruth, MAN UP!!! How hard can it be? I wonder if those guys are somehow afraid of us? I talked to someone. A very nice intelligent guy. I mentioned that I would visit his country and that we could meet for coffee. Nothing. New mail from me. Auto-reply: mail account deleted. WHAT??? Who would go to the length of deleting their mail account? It´s a CUP OF COFFEE!!! It could also be that he is very ill or something  . But darned! We devotees behave like everyone else. We don´t bite or scare. We just like to have coffee with you. You are free to wheel away after that. BUT: MAN UP! |
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Post by darkie on Jul 9, 2011 14:47:08 GMT -5
YES !!!!!
And even he is ill....he can easily send a short message...yahoo, skype, email...whatever....
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I think most of us have been through something like that... I don't know that it's because we're devs, but whatever the reason, no, you girls certainly don't deserve to be treated like that. It's hard, I think, to react the same way you would to an AB guy, to be cautious and be willing to walk away when things aren't right. The internet is like a mask we all wear, and too many things can hide behind it. 
.
. But darned!