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Post by Dee Dee on Aug 18, 2011 18:09:17 GMT -5
I have a huge lack of instinct for self-preservation... I do put myself emotionally in harm's way if I find a guy fascinating. I've been hurt, but I have also survived. Not only have I survived, I've had some really interesting learning experiences. If I'd been overly concerned with being emotionally safe and being really self-protective, I'd have learned FAR less in such a short amount of time. Do I recommend it? No. But I know myself well enough and have been through enough in my life that I'm well aware of my limits and am therefore willing to risk quite a bit to see where something's going to end up... *shrug* Lucretia, what would you say your learning experiences have been? I think this is interesting, as often "we" are more focused on the hurt than on what we have learned (IF we have learned something), so I am curious to know  . |
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Post by Dee Dee on Aug 18, 2011 18:12:09 GMT -5
Yes, when I posed this question I wasn´t thinking of dividing the self into mind, body or soul or how the self is defined philosophically, I meant the self as the whole person and all of what that person entails. I would say that I have not felt sorrow about the fact that I am a devotee, but I have indeed felt frustration. Again, not about my nature, but because of relationship and dating issues. That is not exclusive to devotees and wheelers though, everybody has dealt with that. I think I have been both unconsciously and consciously self-destructive. What blows my mind is that I have been that way even in my conscious state. Why do we go to lengths which we would normally not do, "just because" the guy is disabled and interesting??? Okay, yeah, I go to great lengths "just because" the guy is disabled and looks promising. But that's because I'm looking for a very small needle in a very big haystack! Have to follow every possibility, right? The question is: do we? Is it better not to follow every possibility or is it better to see what comes of it, even though we may be self-destructive or hurt ourselves emotionally? See, that´s often the issue for me and it can be so difficult to deal with. |
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Post by Dee Dee on Aug 18, 2011 18:17:01 GMT -5
I don't know that I'm self-destructive... but I do think I tend to overlook things I normally wouldn't, because of the whole needle-haystack thing Ruth mentioned. I'm willing to go to greater lengths for the right guy, and to me, that's not self destructive, that's just part of the deal when you are a dev. Naturally, there are some of those why me, why can't I be normal questions - but again, I think that's part of being a dev. And I believe (hope?) that all that will go away with the right guy. I don't see it as self-destructive, because it's part of my "self". Circular reasoning perhaps, but it works for me.  Like Emma, I have also broken off serious AB relationships in order to explore my dev side - but it was something I needed to do. I was actually on the brink of being engaged, when I decided that I didn't want to live the rest of my life regretting the what-ifs. Luckily for me, his behavior after the breakup removed any guilt I might have had. Has anyone, who has done this, regretted it? If things go wrong with the disabled guy would you rather not have done it and stayed with the previous partner? I wonder if it is possible to have a great relationship with an AB partner and still yearn for a disabled guy and contemplate to find him one day despite the otherwise great relationship with the AB. I think that can cause horrible conflicts and emotional turmoil within a devotee ... |
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Post by Emma on Aug 18, 2011 18:35:37 GMT -5
Emma, may I ask if you were actively looking for a disabled guy while dating an AB guy? If so, it must have been difficult to do? It depends on what you call actively looking. I logged into whispers every 4 months or so to see if there was anyone there. Thats where I first saw my husband and decided to contact him thinking there was a very slim chance he was real and actively checking for messages on the site. Other than that I don't think i was really doing much to look for a disabled guy. I was a member of several female dev groups on yahoo but they were discussion groups like PD and not for dating. If I knew other places to go to try to meet disabled guys I would have been there as well. Do you think it would have been difficult because I would have had to hide all my dev stuff? I got very good at that since I had several relationships and roomates between the time I learned about devs online and meeting my husband. Once I was living with Marineamp it was very weird to not have to hide it and as you can imagine, amazingly freeing. |
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Post by BA on Aug 18, 2011 18:38:36 GMT -5
I wonder if it is possible to have a great relationship with an AB partner and still yearn for a disabled guy. I think that can cause horrible conflicts and emotional turmoil within a devotee ... There is emotional turmoil and internal conflict every single day. Especially when you are a loyal, truly committed and caring person who wants to do the right thing. I am blessed to have friends here that I can talk to about it so that I am not turmoiling all alone. |
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Post by Emma on Aug 18, 2011 18:42:23 GMT -5
I wonder if it is possible to have a great relationship with an AB partner and still yearn for a disabled guy and contemplate to find him one day despite the otherwise great relationship with the AB. I think that can cause horrible conflicts and emotional turmoil within a devotee ... I tried this. For me I'd say it didn't work. I could distract myself with the AB guy for a while and have great experiences but I was always only somewhat sexually attracted regardless of how good looking he was. I had no idea what it was like to be truly sexually turned on until I was with my husband, my first amputee. |
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Post by Dee Dee on Aug 18, 2011 18:49:43 GMT -5
Emma, may I ask if you were actively looking for a disabled guy while dating an AB guy? If so, it must have been difficult to do? It depends on what you call actively looking. I logged into whispers every 4 months or so to see if there was anyone there. Thats where I first saw my husband and decided to contact him thinking there was a very slim chance he was real and actively checking for messages on the site. Other than that I don't think i was really doing much to look for a disabled guy. I was a member of several female dev groups on yahoo but they were discussion groups like PD and not for dating. If I knew other places to go to try to meet disabled guys I would have been there as well. Do you think it would have been difficult because I would have had to hide all my dev stuff? I got very good at that since I had several relationships and roomates between the time I learned about devs online and meeting my husband. Once I was living with Marineamp it was very weird to not have to hide it and as you can imagine, amazingly freeing. Yes, I was thinking difficult both in terms of having to hide your dev side but also in terms of being attached emotionally to an AB and wanting something else (an amputee in your case) at the same time. It must have been wonderfully freeing to finally get what you wanted . |
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Post by Dee Dee on Aug 18, 2011 18:52:32 GMT -5
I wonder if it is possible to have a great relationship with an AB partner and still yearn for a disabled guy. I think that can cause horrible conflicts and emotional turmoil within a devotee ... There is emotional turmoil and internal conflict every single day. Especially when you are a loyal, truly committed and caring person who wants to do the right thing. I am blessed to have friends here that I can talk to about it so that I am not turmoiling all alone. Yes - it does get freaking hard  . I am sometimes wishing I had found this site 15 years ago ... |
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Post by Dee Dee on Aug 18, 2011 18:55:43 GMT -5
I wonder if it is possible to have a great relationship with an AB partner and still yearn for a disabled guy and contemplate to find him one day despite the otherwise great relationship with the AB. I think that can cause horrible conflicts and emotional turmoil within a devotee ... I tried this. For me I'd say it didn't work. I could distract myself with the AB guy for a while and have great experiences but I was always only somewhat sexually attracted regardless of how good looking he was. I had no idea what it was like to be truly sexually turned on until I was with my husband, my first amputee. I am turned on by able-bodied men as well, but I know what you mean about the sexual part ... If only we were turned on by raincoats or other things easier to get!  |
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Post by ruthmadison on Aug 18, 2011 18:57:19 GMT -5
Okay, yeah, I go to great lengths "just because" the guy is disabled and looks promising. But that's because I'm looking for a very small needle in a very big haystack! Have to follow every possibility, right? The question is: do we? Is it better not to follow every possibility or is it better to see what comes of it, even though we may be self-destructive or hurt ourselves emotionally? See, that´s often the issue for me and it can be so difficult to deal with. I used to follow every path and every possibility, and it did become too exhausting for me. I can see what you're struggling with. At this time I'm not actively looking for anyone, and I'm just focusing on making peace with the idea that I might not find true love. I did start feeling like the constant trying was tearing me apart. Getting my hopes up and then being crushed over and over and over. |
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Post by ruthmadison on Aug 18, 2011 18:59:24 GMT -5
I don't know that I'm self-destructive... but I do think I tend to overlook things I normally wouldn't, because of the whole needle-haystack thing Ruth mentioned. I'm willing to go to greater lengths for the right guy, and to me, that's not self destructive, that's just part of the deal when you are a dev. Naturally, there are some of those why me, why can't I be normal questions - but again, I think that's part of being a dev. And I believe (hope?) that all that will go away with the right guy. I don't see it as self-destructive, because it's part of my "self". Circular reasoning perhaps, but it works for me. Like Emma, I have also broken off serious AB relationships in order to explore my dev side - but it was something I needed to do. I was actually on the brink of being engaged, when I decided that I didn't want to live the rest of my life regretting the what-ifs. Luckily for me, his behavior after the breakup removed any guilt I might have had. Has anyone, who has done this, regretted it? If things go wrong with the disabled guy would you rather not have done it and stayed with the previous partner? I wonder if it is possible to have a great relationship with an AB partner and still yearn for a disabled guy and contemplate to find him one day despite the otherwise great relationship with the AB. I think that can cause horrible conflicts and emotional turmoil within a devotee ... It's like cwbjr said the other day: " I mean, I can't exactly date an AB guy and be like "just so you know, if I find a hot wheeler guy, I'm dropping your ass like a hot potato. If you're ok with that, though, let's proceed..."" That's how I feel about it. |
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Post by Cake on Aug 18, 2011 19:27:17 GMT -5
Has anyone, who has done this, regretted it? If things go wrong with the disabled guy would you rather not have done it and stayed with the previous partner? I wonder if it is possible to have a great relationship with an AB partner and still yearn for a disabled guy and contemplate to find him one day despite the otherwise great relationship with the AB. I think that can cause horrible conflicts and emotional turmoil within a devotee ... It's like cwbjr said the other day: " I mean, I can't exactly date an AB guy and be like "just so you know, if I find a hot wheeler guy, I'm dropping your ass like a hot potato. If you're ok with that, though, let's proceed..."" That's how I feel about it. But... what if "a hot wheeler guy" never comes along? Because there's a pretty high probability that could be the case. You would have missed the opportunity to have a beautiful relationship with the AB guy. I personally don't believe that there is ONE right person for every one, but several walking this earth, and we might meet one of them or even more during our lives. Would you rather stay alone and wait for a knight in a shining wheelchair that might never come along than be in a relationship with an AB guy? And something else that hasn't been mentioned: You might actually love that AB guy. Would you "drop" someone you truly love "like a hot potato"? Or let me ask it this way: Do some of you feel like you could never love an AB guy? That you could only love a disabled guy? |
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Post by ~Z28gal~ on Aug 18, 2011 19:28:00 GMT -5
Has anyone, who has done this, regretted it? If things go wrong with the disabled guy would you rather not have done it and stayed with the previous partner? I wonder if it is possible to have a great relationship with an AB partner and still yearn for a disabled guy and contemplate to find him one day despite the otherwise great relationship with the AB. I think that can cause horrible conflicts and emotional turmoil within a devotee ... My advice on breaking up a relationship with an AB guy (if you're considering it) is this - don't do it for a specific wheeler! Do it for a reason - like a need to explore your devoteeism, or because you feel like you are cheating the AB guy out of something, etc. If you do break up a relationship with a great AB guy for a wheeler and things don't work out, it could be easy to regret the breakup and forget your reasons for it. Emma is so lucky things worked out well for her, but that doesn't always happen. I don't regret breaking up with my last AB boyfriend, but I'm no longer opposed to dating AB guys. I'm not sure I will ever let things get as serious with an AB guy as I have in the past though. |
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Post by Cake on Aug 18, 2011 19:46:53 GMT -5
Okay, yeah, I go to great lengths "just because" the guy is disabled and looks promising. But that's because I'm looking for a very small needle in a very big haystack! Have to follow every possibility, right? The question is: do we? Is it better not to follow every possibility or is it better to see what comes of it, even though we may be self-destructive or hurt ourselves emotionally? See, that´s often the issue for me and it can be so difficult to deal with. I'm probably not the right Dev here to answer that question, 'cause I'm not looking...but... I don't believe in doing what is bad for us. Sure, some self-destructive things in my life have taught me lessons and have made me more mature - but they have also hurt and scarred me. I believe in doing what is good for us (provided we know what that is). And in some cases what is good for us might not alway be where our desire lies. So to answer your question (hypthetically)... No, I don't think we have to follow EVERY possibility. That would be foolish and yes, self-destructive. And I mean seriously, if we're honest: As women, we somehow always know very quickly if a guy is bad for us. We might try to fool ourselves into thinking otherwise when we are really, desperately attracted. But we always *know*. Somewhere deep down. |
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Post by BA on Aug 18, 2011 20:04:40 GMT -5
And I mean seriously, if we're honest: As women, we somehow always know very quickly if a guy is bad for us. We might try to fool ourselves into thinking otherwise when we are really, desperately attracted. But we always *know*. Somewhere deep down. I wholeheartedly bow to you on this one Cake. It's a beauty. |
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