dev and asexuality

[malibu]

This subject is very confusing for me. As far as I remember, when single I have always thought about things like holding hands when I fantasized about finding a partner and felt kinda asexual at times. Being in a relationship changes my fantasies. But to be very honest I can't fully describe without contradictions and overcomplicating things.

For example: sometimes I just want to kiss and not have sex. But sometimes this accidentally happens and I get disappointed. I think I want this because I really like the romance and I want to know that I'm loved.

[Melina26]

I'm actually surprised to see how many of the girls here feel the same way I do. I thought I was the only one struggling with the feeling that I dont have as much sexual desire "as I should have"
I've actually discussed it with my boyfriend already, how most of the time I dont care about the act of sex itself and will find simple devvy things way more interesting hahaha
He didnt seem to think it was a big deal and we are both ok with that now.
Guess its not a problem to have lower levels of sexual desire if we dont really miss or need that to be happy and we are happy with our lives.
I'm just really surprised to see now with your posts how it may be some sort of characteristic that goes hand in hand with being a dev?? Maybe?? That would be interesting...

[kat]

Dec 31, 2016 12:53:26 GMT -5 Melina26 said:

I'm actually surprised to see how many of the girls here feel the same way I do. I thought I was the only one struggling with the feeling that I dont have as much sexual desire "as I should have"
I've actually discussed it with my boyfriend already, how most of the time I dont care about the act of sex itself and will find simple devvy things way more interesting hahaha
He didnt seem to think it was a big deal and we are both ok with that now.
Guess its not a problem to have lower levels of sexual desire if we dont really miss or need that to be happy and we are happy with our lives.
I'm just really surprised to see now with your posts how it may be some sort of characteristic that goes hand in hand with being a dev?? Maybe?? That would be interesting...

I agree, this is very interesting. Maybe it's the fact that devs, on average, are more turned on by things that are considered non-sexual (by the average person). This doesn't mean devs are LESS sexual or asexual. The sexuality is just very different, has different targets, and doesn't always need to involve what people call "sex".

[strawberrybubblegum]

I might be the exception here, but I disagree. I never ever considered being asexual. I have a rather high sex drive. Also, I really enjoy and need the act of "actual" sex. Dating a guy whose D didn't work would be a challenge for me. Even though what I find devy isn't necessarily sexual, it gives me sexual arousement, therefore it was always clear to me that it is linked to my sexuality. On the contrary to what most have written, it was a surprise to me that so many at some point thought they might be asexual. Shows again we're definitely not all the same.
Anyone else with a similar experience to mine?

[parashoot]

Jan 1, 2017 11:05:58 GMT -5 strawberrybubblegum said:

I might be the exception here, but I disagree. I never ever considered being asexual. I have a rather high sex drive. Also, I really enjoy and need the act of "actual" sex. Dating a guy whose D didn't work would be a challenge for me. Even though what I find devy isn't necessarily sexual, it gives me sexual arousement, therefore it was always clear to me that it is linked to my sexuality. On the contrary to what most have written, it was a surprise to me that so many at some point thought they might be asexual. Shows again we're definitely not all the same.
Anyone else with a similar experience to mine?

100%. I have always enjoyed sex and been a sexual person. Never considered myself asexual at all.
Well my devness goes beyond just sex, it is an important component of it for sure.

Anyone watched the documentary on Netflix about asexuality? I saw it probably a year ago. Very interesting.
Many asexual people still want a life partner. Some consider themselves gay/straight/fluid. I recommend watching it. Can't remember the title but honestly think it was just called "Asexual" or something.

[friday]

Jan 1, 2017 11:05:58 GMT -5 strawberrybubblegum said:

I might be the exception here, but I disagree. I never ever considered being asexual. I have a rather high sex drive. Also, I really enjoy and need the act of "actual" sex. Dating a guy whose D didn't work would be a challenge for me. Even though what I find devy isn't necessarily sexual, it gives me sexual arousement, therefore it was always clear to me that it is linked to my sexuality. On the contrary to what most have written, it was a surprise to me that so many at some point thought they might be asexual. Shows again we're definitely not all the same.
Anyone else with a similar experience to mine?

I'm completely surprised by this too. I too have a high sex drive and I've never considered myself asexual. I always thought my high sex drive was because I was a dev and knowing what pushed my buttons made it easier to be more sexual than non-devs. I could take or leave "actual" sex though and if the D didn't work its not something i would miss.
I love hearing the differences between us, I made a lot of generalizations about devs before i joined PD, its always surprising to me how different we all are.

[strawberrybubblegum]

Jan 1, 2017 11:22:01 GMT -5 parashoot said:

Well my devness goes beyond just sex, it is an important component of it for sure.

Jan 1, 2017 15:32:17 GMT -5 friday said:

I always thought my high sex drive was because I was a dev and knowing what pushed my buttons made it easier to be more sexual than non-devs.

+1 on these!!!

[newjess]

This has been soo interesting. Reading many of the posts here was like reading my own story.

I definitely struggled with wondering if I was asexual for a long time. But now, being with a para and exploring my sexuality has shown me that I just hadn't been sexually connected with others because they didn't belong to my sexual preference. I guess I would say I still don't have a crazy high sex drive, but it is healthy and super fun to finally be able to feel truly satisfied and excited about sex

[tina]

I never thought being asexual. The feelings I get from disability-related things are intensive and I always made the connection to my sexuality - no doubt about that.

However, Amara, it sounds as if you are a bit like me: I am physically attracted to (some) men and I get (intense) sexual feelings, but I don`t have fantasies about the act itself and zero wish for actual intimacy until I have established a strong romantic and trusting relationship with a man. Then the desire to have sex comes and I would describe my sex drive as normal. It just takes a solid (romantic) connection and trust (and physical attraction, of course!). I could never have one-night stands.

[Peony]

Soooo interesting! I love how fluid sexuality is, it fascinates me no end! I'm kind of a sex fiend, tbh, although it's lessened now I have a normal person job and have to rush in the morning, get a reasonable amount of sleep etc. Being at work in the afternoons kills me, because that's my sexy time. Obviously life up and downs have had a big impact, but that's just an energy level thing...for me, at least. I had the higher sex drive for the first 5 years of my last relationship, then it tailed off (excuse the pun) in the last few years, but for me that was just the relationship.

I don't love the wang. Sometimes, yes, and I love sexy rough and tumble, plus it's extremely important the person I'm with gets as much pleasure out of it as I do, so it inevitably features, which I have no qualms with. But if I could have oral or hands 300 days out of the year, I'd be more than happy. Honestly, for me penetrative sex is painful when sex is rushed, or the guy is on the larger side. Sometimes it can feel clinical too, depending on who you're with. Not so hot. Plus the difference between clitoral and vaginal orgasms....sooooo different.

In terms of fantasising about it...sex and any physical affection definitely features. Asexuality is a fascinating enigma to me...I do sometimes wonder what it's like to experience though....must be a bit brutal in a lot of social senses.

[Deleted]

I think lots of women don't get anything (orgasm) out of penetrative sex but some men just haven't grasped that yet and still identify with how big their thing is or not and think that is all women want. They are so wrong. I'm sure there are women who enjoy penetrative sex and are able to orgasm with it but I think the majority doesn't.

I never ever considered being asexual, I just don't get my orgasm from penetration. I don't mind the penetration but I can take it or leave it when it comes to getting to my climax. That's why for me a non working d... would never be an issue. I also don't need oral though to achieve orgasm either. Hands and touching to certain body parts can do a lot for me along with some other props...

For me the act of penetration is the ultimate act of closeness and that is how I see it, total intimate closeness of people trusting each other and in love. I think that the "penetration" can also be fulfilled though with hands, fingers, mouth, or tongue. And with that I have to emphasize "love" and "trust"...the guy also knowing what the woman needs.

I think a lot of it has to do with the woman knowing what they need to get their climax on, knowing their body, their mind and what makes them tick. I think that is something that comes with "age" and "wisdom". I know that sounds corny, but when I was in my 20's I didn't know exactly what I need to orgasm.

And, personally my sex drive is definitely fluctuating depending on my cycle.

And yes, my fetishes (not my being a devotee) get me going as well but again only depending on my cycle. I always feel odd differentiating between my fetishes and my being a devotee. I think I'm almost like the only woman on here who feels that way (please if there is someone else, let me know...  ). I feel like an odd ball when it comes to that point of view but it is the truth.

My fetishes are my sexual thing, the stuff that gets me going whereas my being a devotee is something else. I don't need disability to get off on or get aroused at the physical aspect of the disability. I just find paras VERY hot and attractive but the paraplegia itself will not get me sexually aroused. The guy has to be attractive to me too so if it's a para I don't find attractive it doesn't hit me as hard but I will still be very interested in their hardware and the basics of being a para. When it comes to being sexual aroused, there has to be more going on though. I think being a devotee for me is very much a mind thing paired with physical attraction to the person not the disability itself. I feel like I sound confusing but for me my sexuality and being a devotee don't necessarily go hand in hand. Which takes me back to the discussions we had in the past about being a "real" devotee or not....

In my fantasy world I would totally want all hot guys to be paras and I would be in heaven but also in hell at the same time   My sexuality is another component though.

Sorry I drifted off the original post a little and sorry if I sound like I am high or something...I swear I'm not...

[Maurine]

Dani, I'm the same in that a para or quad that I don't find attractive does nothing for me sexually, but I'm still more interested in them than I would if they were AB, albeit mainly just in terms of what type of chair they use and stuff like that. I do consider my devness inherently sexual, though.

[Nia]

I find this thread very interesting and in a way complex. I am not at all asexual but I can remember the time when I only had sex to somehow "prove" myself that I am attractive to man. And I faked it and had no physical pleasure from it whatsoever.
Also, just like Dani I never had the orgasm from the penetration. Also I can reach the climax only and ONLY when I phantasize about something related to disability... And I can "allow" those thoughts to myself only when I am with the guy with whom I feel relaxed... I can say that I started to enjoy sex 5 years ago (when I was already 33) with my ex husband and then I discovered it all with my current BF with whom I am exploring my body, my devnes... all. My sex drive is high now (since I started dating him) but this is new for me and it's highly connected to the fact that he knows about my devness and that he is the first BF I am "disabling" in my phantasies which he approves and even helps a bit...

[catjona]

I haven't been acitve here for a long time. However your topic is so very close to my heart that I simply had to join in.

I have the same "problem" that I find disabled men attractive even though I consider myself asexual.
One thing which I was sometimes wondering was: am I attracted to men with disabilities because I am asexual?
I have been thinking about this quite a bit an came to the conclusion that I don't think so. My reasons are that I have been fascinated with PWD from an early age on and at that time I was still too young for thoughts of sexuality. Later on I first realized my attraction to PWDs and only during/after my first relationship I realized that I might be asexual.

For me being asexual means that I like kissing and holding hand and I love cuddeling and being close but I am not interessted in any kind of sex. It is hard to describe. I don't find it disgusting but I don't want to do it and I don't want it to be done to me (I hope you get what I mean).

Since I have never been in a realtionship with a PWD I could imagine that it might be different because I would be attracted to him on all levels. That is something I still have to find out.

[Inkdevil]

I had to go and look up the definition of asexual, as I admit my understanding of the term was (and still is), a little hazy.
I read about the difference between romantic attraction and sexual attraction and found this very interesting, as I never realised that they were separate entities before. I'm now beginning to question my attraction to men, disabled and AB.

I don't think I'm asexual, but can't say that sex in itself has ever been either a huge draw to someone, or something that I hugely enjoy within a relationship, whereas the romantic side of things is a HUGE draw for me. Sex is more the natural conclusion of togetherness, than the driving force to be there in the first place.

I think my IRL dev attraction to men is of the romantic variety - rarely based on sex, nearly wholly concerned with doing everyday things, emotionally connecting with someone and wanting to be part of their world.

The sex dev in me is purely fantasy only and concerns neither men, nor wheelchairs. Outside of the few moments where I am in this headspace concerned only with getting my sexual pleasure, I have no interest in this side of my devness. It serves a purpose, it's completely detached from the real me and is something I'd never, ever want to pursue IRL.