dev and asexuality

[elyse]

I'm not asexual, I did consider it when I first heard the term... but quickly realized that low sex drive should not be confused for asexual.

I'll definitely put myself in the low sex drive category. Rather than depending on my cycle, it depends on what pill I'm on! I believe the current pill I'm on (which is estrogen only btw) has given me the lowest sex drive ever. There was a time where my sex drive was high (but I don't remember what my pill situation was at that very point) all I remember was wanting to jump on my husband alllll the time.

[Emma]

I should have included this in my other post. So now that I'm married to an amputee and actually sexually turned on by him in a devy way I still think I have a bit of a low sex drive. When things are going well with us in our relationship we have regular sex. From talking with other non dev friends I think we have sex more than most couples, especially ones with two young kids. The thing is I would be totally fine with less sex. It's not that I dislike the sex, it's just that I'm happy with cuddling and falling asleep together. I don't NEED the evening to end with sex but when it does I'm just as happy.

[amara]

This is very interesting to read and I'm kind of relieved that I'm not alone So thank you all for your answers!
For me it's not the imagination of having sex with a PWD; what really turns me on is seeing them doing the normal, everyday things. I never think about having sex with them; although I'm not sure if it would be a turn off. I just never let my imagination go that way. I don't know; it's just very confusing. Maybe that's because I'm not experienced at all..?

[triquid]

Reviving an old thread because I'm finding it really relevant.

I'm facing the question of whether I am asexual or not. I've recently started dating an AB person who is conventionally very sexual themselves, and I'm facing a wall. I experience little to no sexual attraction, even though I may get slowly aroused by the physical sensation itself.

Subconsciously I know I have identified myself as somewhere on the asexual spectrum for something like ten years, but I was never forced to face it like this. Now I have a partner who's core need is to be sexual and be desired by me. Yet me having the complete lack of that, I constantly feel like I'm falling behind. I really want to aim to meet my partner's needs, but this time the need is impossible for me to fulfill. I can meet a need that is teachable, such as practicing better communication, but I cannot meet a need of being turned on by them out of will even if I wanted to.

Before this, I was single for 7 years and had no sexual relations. Prior to that, I was three years in a sexless relationship where my partner identified as asexual. I was fine with the sexlessness during my singledom, or at least I didn't feel any need to pursue any sex just for it's own sake.

The thing is, I have amputated (heh........) my devness away from "normal sexuality." They're two parts of me which I don't allow to integrate.

I do feel sexual attraction, and sometimes very strongly, but only to things that are inherently non-sexual.

The definition of asexuality is a "lack of sexual attraction."

I experience sexual attraction, but it is "misdirected" compared to the general population.

By this definition I would not be asexual.

However, I lack sexual attraction to things considered conventionally sexual, so as far as what is considered "sex", this would include me in not desiring it.

I find that identifying as an asexual, I can perform a functional and semi-comprehensible role "for the public" that doesn't necessitate me to disclose my devness. That is an inner part of me that I'm hiding waaaaay deep down. Way deep. There's a socially (quite) accpeted way of being out as queer/LGBT+, but by god, not a dev. 😐

Yeah. Having some difficult feelings around this. 🫡

(Also sorry for describing devness as something like "misdirected" or "non-sexual in itself", it's just the way I make sense of things. I don't intend to belittle anyone's relationship to or the defitionion of their own sexuality and devness)

[ana]

I am very sexual but I'm not easily attracted to the men i usually meet, I'm more interested in the mind-soul-body, true chemistry and conecction, which only happened 3 times for me ever , I don't want to sound presumptuous but I know I am an attractive woman, which makes dating a lot more difficult, if it's just about sex then I prefered to be with my self and a toy, period, besides being a dev doesn't help either. There was a time when I thought I was probably becoming asexual, because nothing could turn me on and i was also in denial of my dev side, I had to learn to accept and love myself.
I guess I'm still in the "dev-closet", although now I don't care if people find out, is not a topic I would openly share, because theres to much to get through, not as simple as being LGBT

[ayla]

Jan 2, 2023 11:02:40 GMT -5 triquid said:

Reviving an old thread because I'm finding it really relevant.

I'm facing the question of whether I am asexual or not. I've recently started dating an AB person who is conventionally very sexual themselves, and I'm facing a wall. I experience little to no sexual attraction, even though I may get slowly aroused by the physical sensation itself.

Subconsciously I know I have identified myself as somewhere on the asexual spectrum for something like ten years, but I was never forced to face it like this. Now I have a partner who's core need is to be sexual and be desired by me. Yet me having the complete lack of that, I constantly feel like I'm falling behind. I really want to aim to meet my partner's needs, but this time the need is impossible for me to fulfill. I can meet a need that is teachable, such as practicing better communication, but I cannot meet a need of being turned on by them out of will even if I wanted to.

Before this, I was single for 7 years and had no sexual relations. Prior to that, I was three years in a sexless relationship where my partner identified as asexual. I was fine with the sexlessness during my singledom, or at least I didn't feel any need to pursue any sex just for it's own sake.

The thing is, I have amputated (heh........) my devness away from "normal sexuality." They're two parts of me which I don't allow to integrate.

I do feel sexual attraction, and sometimes very strongly, but only to things that are inherently non-sexual.

The definition of asexuality is a "lack of sexual attraction."

I experience sexual attraction, but it is "misdirected" compared to the general population.

By this definition I would not be asexual.

However, I lack sexual attraction to things considered conventionally sexual, so as far as what is considered "sex", this would include me in not desiring it.

I find that identifying as an asexual, I can perform a functional and semi-comprehensible role "for the public" that doesn't necessitate me to disclose my devness. That is an inner part of me that I'm hiding waaaaay deep down. Way deep. There's a socially (quite) accpeted way of being out as queer/LGBT+, but by god, not a dev. 😐

Yeah. Having some difficult feelings around this. 🫡

(Also sorry for describing devness as something like "misdirected" or "non-sexual in itself", it's just the way I make sense of things. I don't intend to belittle anyone's relationship to or the defitionion of their own sexuality and devness)

I have a lot to say in response to this. 

1. You do not have to answer the question of "am I asexual or not" because you do not need to put a label on your sexuality unless you find it helpful.
2. You do not have to "perform a role 'for the public'" in order to avoid disclosing devness. No one is entitled to a label from you, especially one that it seem is some sort of compromise rather than a true reflection of your self.
3. You can call yourself anything you want (e.g. if you feel like describing your devness as a form of asexuality, fine). No one should be gatekeeping these labels, just as no one should be demanding others have them. Again, see #1: you do not HAVE TO have a label. 
4. Most people experience fluctuations in their level of sexual arousal and interest and how primary it is in their lives. Both in day to day, cyclically, and in various stages of life. I think there's not much difference between "being on the asexual spectrum" and "(typically) having a low libido."If calling yourself an asexual allows you to relate more authentically to other people in your life, then go for it. Otherwise, I don't see why anyone should need to qualify how much sexual desire they experience, as that is usually in flux. It's okay to feel like sex isn't a huge priority in your life without taking on the label "asexual" (again, unless it you find it helpful). 
5. I completely understand your feeling of splitting your sexuality and your devness. I did this myself for many years and also considered myself asexual/on the asexual spectrum during that time. What's true for me may not be true for you but once I allowed myself permission to explore my feelings with less shame and judgment, the more robust sexual identity I found. I used to think of my devness as this peculiarly intense "interest" or preoccupation I had, in lieu of a "real" libido. Maybe this will resonate for you? I no longer consider myself asexual. My sex drive has highs and lows, but I don't like to define it as High or Low in relationship to the average -- because why does it matter what "the average" person wants, sexually? Having a view of sexuality that is defined by some abstract idea of what is normal is (in my personal experience) fertile breeding ground for feelings of inadequacy, sexual brokenness, shame, thinking of your desires as "misdirected," etc. 
6. While my closest friends all know, to some degree, about my devness, I don't feel I need to perform any kind of sexual identity in social situations in which I haven't disclosed. It's okay to be someone that has very particular or niche sexual interests, even if other people wouldn't find those interests sexual, without putting a label on it. If you are worried about how to explain what appears to be a general lack of interest in dating/sex, (first of all you don't need to explain that to anyone unless you want to) you can simply say that you have a certain type, that you're picky, that sex isn't a big priority for you, etc. 
7. NOTHING is "inherently non-sexual." What's sexy to one person is totally a turn off to another, and vice versa. Something doesn't need to "be sexual" to evoke a sexual feeling inside of you. If those feelings can be evoked, it's sexual for you. 

[Dani]

I don't think sexuality should be limited into these categories of a-sexual or sexual. Everyone is individual in their sexuality; the activity of it, what turns one on, what doesn't turn one on, or how one gets turned on. Sometimes I don't even believe there is something like a-sexuality, it's just a matter of finding what does it for you.
People are into all kinds of things, some unusual things are out there for sure, but I find it very interesting what people are into.
There are so many types of sexuality besides "vanilla" or traditional.

Unfortunately, with unusual sexuality sometimes comes shame and secrecy, and that can pose problems in a partnership/relationship. I think it's very important to be open with your partner about your interests, however unusual they may be. From there, you can maybe incorporate them into your sex life and let a partner be part of it.
I'm into unusual things myself, and I enjoy these "things," and they turn me on, has nothing to do with a person, really. I get turned on by the things I'm into, and when I'm turned on, my husband gets turned on, and from there, we enjoy sex together.
I'm not merely turned on by simply looking at an attractive man, able-bodied or disabled, naked or clothed, I need other things to go with that.

Sexuality is not just a flat thing that can be defined as yes or no....there is so much to explore when it comes to sexuality, and everyone has to find their own mojo.
I do find it important that one knows or learns about themselves and doesn't expect the partner to be the sex guru who knows exactly how to turn one on or not. I've seen this in my friend's circles; that for example, one of my female friends thinks she needs a guy's d... to be satisfied, but she doesn't even know her own body and always expects the guy can satisfy her. When that doesn't happen, she is disappointed. She has a distorted relationship with her body, and a guy's junk can not fix her relationship with her own sexuality.
If you know yourself and you can have an open discussion with your partner, it can change things positively. The relationship has to be a judgment-free zone, though; nothing should be prohibited or frowned upon, no matter how unusual it is.

It's also okay not to have an orgasm every time you have sex, and it's far-fetched to have simultaneous orgasms. Sometimes, people put so much pressure on themselves about these things.
Somehow I just thought about this movie or show where the people sit there in meditation and have orgasms without actually being touched or touching someone. I think it was like a comedy, but it kinda makes a point that often, orgasms are so much connected to the head on our shoulders.

I feel like I'm rambling on, and I have difficulty finding my words today...I'll stop here :-)

[mimi96]

well hi everyone, i don't post a lot but this subject got my attention, because simply it explains a lot about me and showed me that obviously i'm not the only who dealt with.
well i've been thinking that i'm asexual for a long time, i can say that no man had really attracted me in that way or made me want them, love them or even like them. but as i learnt lately about my devo, it got me even confused because even i'm attracted to PWD, i don't fantasize about having sex with them, you can say i'm also scared of having sex, PWD or not, that maybe the reason of my asexuality, maybe.
i just wanted to share how i feel that's it thanks