amara
New Member
Posts: 12 
Gender: Female
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Post by amara on Dec 26, 2016 14:08:58 GMT -5
hello everyone  Since I got welcomed here so warmly, I think I'm ready to post and talk about all this.. As I wrote in my introduction, I consider myself as asexual. Although I am attracted and turned on by disabled men, I can't imagine having actual sex with them. I'm not sure, if it's just me being ashamed and scared or if I'm really asexual. Anyone else having this experience? |
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on the dot
Junior Member
Taken by a quad ;-)
Posts: 54
Gender: Female
Dev Status: Devotee
Relationship Status: It's complicated
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Post by on the dot on Dec 26, 2016 14:40:42 GMT -5
I think the question is: do you imagine having sex with anyone at all? If the answer is no, then I would tend to agree you are asexual (I am pretty much in the same category).
And also keep in mind that this can actually change in the future. You may meet *one* person and only be attracted to him and literally nobody else on the planet. But until that happens, there's nothing wrong with considering yourself asexual.
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Post by Maurine on Dec 26, 2016 15:38:22 GMT -5
My fantasies are rarely about sex, but I don't consider myself asexual. I enjoy sex, although not as much as other women perhaps. How much I need it depends on where I'm at during my cycle.
When I first learned how people reproduce, I always imagined the woman to be on top. I didn't specifically imagine a disabled man, it just seemed natural to me that way. It struck me as odd when I learned that the man was often the one on top.
It never occurred to me that I should like to be thrown around during sex. I've wondered if I'm missing out on something because other women seem to enjoy it so much, but the thought doesn't appeal to me. I might enjoy the purely physical part of it, but not in a sexual way.
I don't like the man to be too passive and detached either. I prefer my boyfriend to move as much as he can during sex and we try many different positions, but him moving around always turns me on.
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Post by Gaby on Dec 26, 2016 16:06:22 GMT -5
Hi Amara! I feel very identified with you because I'm pretty sure that I'm on the asexual spectrum. At first I was very confused. How could I be asexual and a devotee at the same time? It still amazes me, but this is who I am... The asexual spectrum is very wide and diverse. For instance, I'm gray-asexual; it means that I have a low sex drive and not normally experience sexual attraction, but sometimes I do... Those occasions are always related with disability and are extremely special for me... In summary, I don't have a precise answer for you, but if you need to talk I'm always available. Welcome to PD! PS. This web helped me a lot: www.asexuality.org |
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Post by devogirl on Dec 26, 2016 20:22:47 GMT -5
Although I am attracted and turned on by disabled men, I can't imagine having actual sex with them. I'm not sure, if it's just me being ashamed and scared or if I'm really asexual. Only you can answer that question for yourself. It is possible you could have a very low sex drive. However, it's just as likely that you are suffering from internalized shame and guilt for your attraction. Women are very strongly socialized not to express sexual desire, even more so when it's something out of the ordinary. Many women on this site report never feeling strong sexual attraction until they come out as devs, or until they meet the right PWD. If you are feeling shame, I strongly encourage you to work through it by talking to people here. Whatever the outcome, whether you end up with a higher sex drive or decide you are somewhere on the asexual spectrum, you will be happier person when you lay down that burden. Personally, I have always had a very high sex drive, but like Annabelle said, not all my fantasies are about having actual sex. I feel the most devvy seeing moments when the disability is highlighted, that's not always or not only during sex. |
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Post by lisa on Dec 27, 2016 14:24:01 GMT -5
That's a really interesting topic and I'm surprised that there are obviously quite a few people on here who have thought about asexuality or even consider themselves to be asexual. As I have probably already written somewhere else on PD, I've thought of myself being asexual for quite some time. I generally have a low sex drive and I never wanted to have sex with my former (AB) boyfriends. What convinced me that I'm not asexual was the arousal that resulted from some disability related stuff. It doesn't happen when watching or imaging sex scenes, but when there are moments where the disability in a guy (or woman, for that matter) is very visible, like devogirl said. It can happen quite fast and intense then. That's something I have never experienced regarding AB guys or what is considered "normal" sex situations. Nevertheless, the likelihood of me feeling any kind of arousal is - like for Maurine - linked to my cycle. |
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Post by Dee Dee on Dec 27, 2016 20:33:41 GMT -5
This thread is really interesting to me, because there have been times in my life when I've been under a lot of stress or had medical issues and my sex drive has completely tanked. And the guy I was with found it impossible to believe that I didn't want to have sex all the time, considering that I have a fetish. Because anyone with a fetish is obviously obsessed with sex, right??? Maybe the opposite is true actually. Fetishes sexualize non-sexual things, so maybe people who have fetishes are less likely to be obsessed with sex. I think that that could very well be true, Annabelle! I once knew someone who was obsessed with crossdressing and being humiliated. They weren't interested in having 'regular' sex. And I've seen other examples like that. |
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Post by Emma on Dec 28, 2016 2:31:16 GMT -5
At a time I also thought that there was something wrong with my sex drive. It was causing so many issued in my AB relationship that I saw a doctor about it, read books and even took medication to try to improve it (Wellbutrin). Now though I'm pretty sure the issue wasn't me but the fact that the guy I was with was AB and also not really attuned to women's sexual needs. Being with an amputee somewhat cured my sex drive issues but I still think I have a lower sex drive than he does. I'm not sure if that's typical men/women differences or something about me specifically.
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Post by devogirl on Dec 28, 2016 7:23:23 GMT -5
Fetishes sexualize non-sexual things, so maybe people who have fetishes are less likely to be obsessed with sex. I don't know, I was pretty sex obsessed for most of my adult life. There's so much we still don't understand about sex drive and arousal. Maybe the sex drive and dev desires are not related. Also it's very easy to get alienated from your own desires if you are forcing yourself to have sex with an AB guy you're not attracted to, just because you feel like you're "supposed to" be with him. And if that AB guy is terrible at sex because he's young and inexperienced and/or because he's sexist or clueless about women, then yeah, sex might be unappealing. It makes me so sad how often women are told there's something wrong with them and even medicated (!!) for not wanting to have sex, when sometimes it's the situation and not something internal. Also it's like we can never have the "right" amount of sexual desire. If a woman has a high sex drive, she's a slut or a nympho, if she has a low sex drive, she's frigid or depressed or something. This is not a recent thing either, modern medicine and psychiatry for over 100 years have been obsessed with fixing women's sexual desire. Ugh, don't even get me started on the so-called female viagra. From this article: www.ourbodiesourselves.org/health-info/sexual-desire-how-much-is-normal/"It’s essential to remember that there is no right amount of sexual desire, just what’s right for you. What matters is your satisfaction with how much desire you feel, not whether your desire is high or low by someone else’s standards." |
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Post by Maurine on Dec 28, 2016 9:52:37 GMT -5
I'm sometimes confused about the definition of asexuality. Does it mean that you simply don't want penetrative sex or does it extent to oral sex, masturbation etc?
I never thought of myself as asexual because my devness has always been almost omnipresent and overwhelming (but in a very enjoyable way). I think I'm more often sexually aroused than the average woman, but I don't need penetration to orgasm. I enjoy penetrative sex, but it took me a while to get something out of it for me.
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Post by bowlergrl0524 on Dec 28, 2016 13:23:20 GMT -5
Personally, I used to believe that I was asexual. I was never physically attracted to a guy. And I tried to be. I had a few short term boyfriends when I was in high school and college. But none of them were ever that truly physically appealing to me. I figured at that point that I was asexual and that there was no hope. And honestly, I was never sexually appealing to the guys either. I remained a virgin until I was 24. I still prefer oral sex over penetrative sex. P/V sex is just not all that appealing. Every now and again, yes. I think part of it is that when we have penetrative sex, it is me doing all the work. I would rather the 2 of us doing something and both get enjoyment out of it.
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Post by malibu on Dec 29, 2016 3:03:39 GMT -5
This subject is very confusing for me. As far as I remember, when single I have always thought about things like holding hands when I fantasized about finding a partner and felt kinda asexual at times. Being in a relationship changes my fantasies. But to be very honest I can't fully describe without contradictions and overcomplicating things.
For example: sometimes I just want to kiss and not have sex. But sometimes this accidentally happens and I get disappointed. I think I want this because I really like the romance and I want to know that I'm loved.
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Post by Melina26 on Dec 31, 2016 12:53:26 GMT -5
I'm actually surprised to see how many of the girls here feel the same way I do. I thought I was the only one struggling with the feeling that I dont have as much sexual desire "as I should have" I've actually discussed it with my boyfriend already, how most of the time I dont care about the act of sex itself and will find simple devvy things way more interesting hahaha He didnt seem to think it was a big deal and we are both ok with that now. Guess its not a problem to have lower levels of sexual desire if we dont really miss or need that to be happy and we are happy with our lives. I'm just really surprised to see now with your posts how it may be some sort of characteristic that goes hand in hand with being a dev?? Maybe?? That would be interesting... |
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Post by kat on Dec 31, 2016 13:20:45 GMT -5
I'm actually surprised to see how many of the girls here feel the same way I do. I thought I was the only one struggling with the feeling that I dont have as much sexual desire "as I should have" I've actually discussed it with my boyfriend already, how most of the time I dont care about the act of sex itself and will find simple devvy things way more interesting hahaha He didnt seem to think it was a big deal and we are both ok with that now. Guess its not a problem to have lower levels of sexual desire if we dont really miss or need that to be happy and we are happy with our lives. I'm just really surprised to see now with your posts how it may be some sort of characteristic that goes hand in hand with being a dev?? Maybe?? That would be interesting... I agree, this is very interesting. Maybe it's the fact that devs, on average, are more turned on by things that are considered non-sexual (by the average person). This doesn't mean devs are LESS sexual or asexual. The sexuality is just very different, has different targets, and doesn't always need to involve what people call "sex". |
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Post by strawberrybubblegum on Jan 1, 2017 11:05:58 GMT -5
I might be the exception here, but I disagree. I never ever considered being asexual. I have a rather high sex drive. Also, I really enjoy and need the act of "actual" sex. Dating a guy whose D didn't work would be a challenge for me. Even though what I find devy isn't necessarily sexual, it gives me sexual arousement, therefore it was always clear to me that it is linked to my sexuality. On the contrary to what most have written, it was a surprise to me that so many at some point thought they might be asexual. Shows again we're definitely not all the same.
Anyone else with a similar experience to mine?
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