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Post by annabelle on Mar 30, 2018 18:37:35 GMT -5
During my innocent internet travels, I met a guy about a month ago who has a disability he felt kept him from meeting women. He was unhappy about it and looking to meet that special someone. So I referred him here. Yesterday I emailed him to ask if he had liked the board because I didn’t see him post anything. He said he didn’t. He told me (nicely) that it wasn’t a fetish he was comfortable with. He said it was worse to be liked solely for his disability than it was to be rejected for his disability. To each their own, but it made me sad! He’s the first guy I’ve ever met who wasn’t cool with it. it made me wonder if most guys aren’t cool with it and it’s just this self-selected group that is okay with devs.
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Post by farfaraway on Mar 30, 2018 19:18:40 GMT -5
What was his disability ?
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Post by annabelle on Mar 30, 2018 19:37:13 GMT -5
What was his disability ? I’d rather not say too much about him, in case he decides to come back here and reads this.
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Post by Emma on Mar 30, 2018 19:48:05 GMT -5
I think for the most part guys who take the time to learn about devs are generally alright with it. Maybe he didn't really spend time learning about devs and made a knee-jerk decision. Of course there are a few who will never be okay with a devs attraction even after they understand what its about. Maybe its because they aren't comfortable with their disability, maybe its because of their approach to sex, maybe its for other reasons, who knows. In the end, it's their loss I think. Don't feel bad Annabelle, PD isn't for everyone.
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Post by devogirl on Mar 30, 2018 21:10:27 GMT -5
This doesn't seem so surprising to me. A lot of people who think about their disability as only a negative thing have trouble accepting that someone might be attracted to it. Also add in pervasive sex negativity and the idea a lot of people have that a fetish is bad, a sign of mental illness or serious social weirdness. At least he was honest and polite, rather than lecturing on how we are all terrible people or pretending to like devs in the hopes of getting laid and sublimating his dislike until he's already initiated a relationship. Don't take it personally.
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Post by darthoso on Mar 30, 2018 21:57:48 GMT -5
I heard something similar from a disabled guy once too. I don't get it. I realize I'm simplifying, but in my mind a dev being into a dis is no different than a non dev being into a super athletic dude with a 6 pack. From the dis perspective there's no reason to overthink it, especially if you're a newbie.
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Post by A££Y "Cuddles" Magoo on Mar 31, 2018 0:29:44 GMT -5
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Post by annabelle on Mar 31, 2018 7:28:05 GMT -5
I think I was mostly upset because he was really disappointed with how women had always rejected him immediately because of his disability, so I thought he would be thrilled to find a place where the opposite is true. I thought I was going to be introducing him to something that would make him really happy and improve his self-esteem.
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Post by nordic on Mar 31, 2018 9:12:34 GMT -5
I think that a healthy amount of self-esteem is required to get this place: In my personal experience, it's still true for many disabled that we're trying to blend in as much as possible in our daily lifes. Limitations are dissociated from ourselves in favor of social conformity. It's also related to what another member described a long time ago with having BIID. The question is whether we're able to accept disability as an indivisible part of ourselves when made aware of it. Acceptance of ourselves is an important factor in self-esteem. If someone is used to rejection of disability in the context of romance, they'll most likely adapt to this rejection. That makes it hard to understand (and accept) the perspective of a dev. The guy you mentioned may come to a different conclusion in the future. I'd say, give it time for the thought of his disability being something desirable to grow on him.
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Post by lucretia on Mar 31, 2018 10:12:25 GMT -5
Most of the guys I met outside of PD had a nuetral to negative reaction.
Nuetral as in that's fine for some but not for me.
Negative as in it's too weird to have someone like me for this thing I hate.
*shrug*
I know this guy who would do SO well here. He's dev positive, good-looking and currently single.
He knew about PD long before I met him and he was definitely in the neutral group. After his last relationship ended he finally joined...
But he was shy and didn't make any connections here, dev or PWD and eventually left. 😭
He actually asked me this week if I knew any quad devs looking for a no-strings fling.
...
I didn't know what to say to him. I wish he would come back and participate, because he's smart and funny... But he won't.
It makes me sad, too.
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Post by malibu on Mar 31, 2018 14:57:21 GMT -5
It´s kinda sad and kinda funny, because yes, it is about disability on PD, but no, it is not only about disability, you actually have to have a personality to shine here.
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Post by farfaraway on Mar 31, 2018 15:38:06 GMT -5
Yeah, it makes me sad too.. gives me extra less hope to find “the one”... I was talking to this quad who recovered enough to be able to walk with crutches about fetish parties and how he loves them. I asked if he ever encountered a girl who saw his disability as a fetish and he said “fuck no I wouldn’t be with her, that’s weird” I knew he was kind of an asshole before he said that but I just thought how hypocritical it was. Totally turned me off ..obviously.. But yeah, sad
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Post by darthoso on Mar 31, 2018 23:10:50 GMT -5
I think that a healthy amount of self-esteem is required to get this place: In my personal experience, it's still true for many disabled that we're trying to blend in as much as possible in our daily lifes. Limitations are dissociated from ourselves in favor of social conformity. It's also related to what another member described a long time ago with having BIID. The question is whether we're able to accept disability as an indivisible part of ourselves when made aware of it. Acceptance of ourselves is an important factor in self-esteem. If someone is used to rejection of disability in the context of romance, they'll most likely adapt to this rejection. That makes it hard to understand (and accept) the perspective of a dev. The guy you mentioned may come to a different conclusion in the future. I'd say, give it time for the thought of his disability being something desirable to grow on him. I'm not sure you need solid self esteem here, we've had our share of cocky dudes flame out. What you need is to just chill long enough to connect with a dev, then the self esteem comes and the 'oh, now I get it' light switch.
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Post by Mets on Mar 31, 2018 23:21:18 GMT -5
fetish parties and how he loves them. I asked if he ever encountered a girl who saw his disability as a fetish and he said “fuck no I wouldn’t be with her, that’s weird” That seems like a pretty hypocritical stance for a guy that loves fetish parties. Unfortunately, I’ve never seen a pro-dev guy in the wild, and the topic seems to only come up as a negative, although almost exclusively from females who experienced male devs. I was in a group once and the topic came up of whether devs are good or bad, and the person leading the group cut it off with a quick “just be safe and responsible”.
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Post by lisa on Apr 1, 2018 1:37:37 GMT -5
Unfortunately, I’ve never seen a pro-dev guy in the wild, and the topic seems to only come up as a negative, although almost exclusively from females who experienced male devs. I made the same observation. A friend of mine posted an interview with a dev. He has many acquaintances with connections to disability, so there was quite a discussion evolving about the interview and devs in general. Most females said that they wouldn't want to be liked for their disability, but for their inner values. Most males expressed that they couldn't see the difference to any other fetish. While I'm not convinced that devness is just like any other fetish, those comments leave some hope for acceptance of devs. I have seen pro-dev guys in the wild, but not many. (Maybe that's because I don't see many disabled guys in the wild. Where are you??)
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