Post by Deleted on Jan 6, 2020 9:50:45 GMT -5
I'm a bit late to this thread, I'm sorry.
@delight, I'm very sorry this happened and happens to you. I think I can relate very much to it. When I had my first disabled boyfriend (about 7 years ago now), it created a family nightmare. The relationship to my parents has never been like before again. My relationship with him and also the topic in general has been declared a "forbidden topic" by my parents. In a way, it's how devogirl described it. I talk to them about daily stuff and about work, but that's about it. Still, it's not easy. Everytime I visit, I feel like a part of me is rejected and has to stay outside. Sometimes it's alright, when my devness is not on a high or when I'm generally not thinking a lot about it. But usually it really bothers me. And since my mother never managed to let go of me after I moved out (more than 12 years ago...), it's still not easy to hide things from her (even though that's basically what she wants me to do). Sometimes they are commenting on disability stuff in a negative way. I always wonder why they are doing that. It's probably all good intentions, at least it was in the beginning. Then they had real problems to cope with having someone with a disability in the family. I often wonder whether it's really how devogirl said, that they themselves have some deeply rooted phobia, because this is not a normal reaction, even for someone who doesn't want their kid to date a PWD. Anyway, I was (and probably will) never be allowed to take a disabled partner home.
How do I cope? Well, in the beginning it was super hard and I used to get angry at them for what they did to me. (I rarely have this feeling of anger.) At some point I just decided to get on and do as they asked (hide everything relating disability from them). It works okay. It is very helpful to have other people in life you can talk about this stuff openly. And to me it's very helpful to have also PWD in my life who tell me it's okay to be a dev. But this is probably just to cover the insecurities this whole thing created in me. I think I've also created a barrier between me and my family to protect me from further pain. If they would make any such comment again, I would probably be able to ignore it. It's still sad, because, as many of you said, the relationship between parents and children is a special and valuable one.
Thanks for your thoughts lisa , my partner and i have had a rough time with our relationship recently but we're trying to work through it. Everytime i speak to my father he asks how its going and i can hear the disappointment when i say we're still sorting it out.
Although its hurtful, ive realised that he is an old man now and his opinions are set. Im not going to have a huge fall out with him, so will just try and keep the peace whilst not sharing details with him.
Hopefully that will make things easier on us all.