KingRichard
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Posts: 200
Gender: Male
Dev Status: Disabled Male
Relationship Status: Single
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Post by KingRichard on Jun 24, 2020 14:44:17 GMT -5
Hi Manny, welcome to PD!
I'm sorry you're going through all this with your wife. I agree with c56sciguy that she might really benefit from some therapy and having someone to talk to about it all. Since she may be experiencing guilt that she doesn't want to talk to you about, that might be more helpful than marriage counseling. She has to want to do that though. In the same vein, it might help if she could talk to some other women who are going through something similar.
I definitely think you can go from not feeling attracted to someone to finding them attractive--I've experienced that myself. And lots of people do still find their partners attractive after major physical changes. But attraction is a strange thing. Sometimes people just have certain firm preferences that aren't going to change.
Just an idea. You haven't mentioned your care situation. Adjusting to caring for your partner in certain ways even if you're getting a lot of support can be overwhelming. It's hard to have romantic/sexual feelings when you feel overwhelmed or tired. If you think she might be feeling overwhelmed or not getting enough rest, maybe finding ways to get more support would give her a little more space to start feeling the romance again.
Totally agree and a strong part of me believes that she does want to make it work, or else she would have left a long time ago. I think she is just scared of what changes could come if she does speak with a therapist. But maybe that is an opportunity for me to approach her in the right way to explain how it could be beneficial for not only her mental health and well being, but for our relationship as well. Thank you for bringing up my care situation, I forgot to mention that aspect of our relationship that also plays a part. On top of working her job, she is also one of my caregivers and helps take care of me. About a year ago, she opened up with me about how taking care of me so often was getting to be too much for her and that she needed to scale back from the added responsibility. So I did everything I can within my financial boundaries to get additional help so that she can get a break and focus on herself more often instead of on taking care of me so much. I actually saw an immediate improvement in our relationship as a married couple, but the physical intimacy and attraction from her never changed. Thank you for helping me understand that it's difficult to have romantic or sexual feelings when you're overwhelmed or tired. I honestly feel like I've done so much to take the burden off from her, but maybe there is room for more. Thanks so much for your message. It feels really good to hear different perspectives and reflect on things that maybe I can do to improve our situation. If I was you I would give the therapist a go you both have nothing to lose from seeing a therapist from my own experience of going to see a therapist it helps you look at things in a different light and it will help both of you to get each other points of view and how both of you really feel about each other
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manny
New Member
Posts: 22
Gender: Male
Dev Status: Disabled
Relationship Status: Single
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Post by manny on Jun 24, 2020 14:47:16 GMT -5
Hi Manny and welcome to PD. I wish, for your sake, it was under slightly happier circumstances that you were able to join us. Nobody can second guess what your wife is thinking, but you can guarantee that she has probably spent many sleepless nights mulling things over in her head, regardless of whether she’s been able to communicate those thoughts to you or not. The sad truth is, a lot of people have a hard time fitting a serious disability into the picture they’ve painted of their lives. It’s not something most people expect or foresee in their future together. The usual slow decline of old age, yes. But something as serious as your disability (and it is a Big Deal, let’s not gloss over that) is a game changer. I don’t honestly think most people could just sail through that change in their relationship, regardless of how close they are as a couple, or how long they’ve been together. So, as keen as you are to make this work and however much you feel this hasn’t changed you as a person inside, it has changed you as a person on the outside. You aren’t the man she married in that respect - and you can’t hold the way she feels about you ‘as a friend’ against her. She probably/maybe feels completely trapped. She’s known you forever, so how can she just let you go? You have a major disability. How can she walk away from you without looking like a shitheel in the eyes of others and feeling the same about herself? The fact you are still the same loving, attentive and apparently unchanged person towards her is probably making the option of leaving you even more impossible for her and making her feel even more trapped. If you were bitter, angry and resentful, she’d at least have some reason to use as an excuse to go. What plans had you made for the future? Had you planned kids? Travelling? Doing things together such as shared hobbies? Again, she will have seen these plans fade and become changed beyond recognition. Can she accept that the things that would’ve been shared tasks will now all fall on her shoulders? It’s a big thing to have to do all the physical stuff yourself. As a single parent, I know it’s bloody hard work. There’s also the fact that you were college sweethearts. When I think back to the college days me and the person I am now, I can’t even recognise myself as the same person. People change A LOT during their early 20’s and 30’s. Even without throwing a serious disability into the mix, you may well have grown apart anyway. Are you sure your love for her is not in part a fixation on her as someone familiar and known and ‘from before’ if you like? That you can’t even contemplate having to seek out and rebuild a relationship with anyone else because of the situation you are in - and how hard that would be? I’m sorry if I’ve thrown up a lot of things that are hard to read, or you believe to be totally untrue, or maybe even unjustified. You said you wanted honest opinions and I’m just trying to put myself in your wife’s shoes and offer up my thoughts. Please don’t take them as criticism or judgement on you. You have done nothing wrong. But you two are sadly stuck in an awkward eternal dance, until one of you breaks. I wish you every luck in finding a resolution that you both can live with. In respect to devness, I think you are born that way. Nothing in my childhood could have prompted these feelings. They come from within, not from without. They are not always easy to live with, but I can’t change the way I am. Wow, your transparency and honesty are very much appreciated. So much of what you said is true and validates the thoughts that I've wondered about in terms of seeing things from my wife's perspective. You're like actually fucking spot on with so much of what you said so I really do thank you for taking the time to write me this. Don't be sorry at all. In regards to people changing and drifting apart, I do recognize that this is definitely a possibility. It's just really really difficult for me to believe that would be the case if I were still able bodied and we were able to do the things together that we always planned for and dreamed of. We planned to travel the world together, have kids and a family together and so much more. And now she has to live without being able to do those things with me which I know can't be easy. I always do my best to sympathize with her because I know there is a lot on her shoulders and my caregivers and family focus so much of their energy and perspective on me because I am the one with the disability. But in hindsight, my wife is forced to endure so much loss and pain as well. I wish I could show my family this. And I really hope I can find a way to express to her that I now better understand what she has to battle internally because of what has happened to me. Thank you so much.
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manny
New Member
Posts: 22
Gender: Male
Dev Status: Disabled
Relationship Status: Single
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Post by manny on Jun 24, 2020 15:27:18 GMT -5
Thanks for sharing your story. I’m really curious what is your disability? I have Amyotrophic Lateral Sclerosis (ALS)
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manny
New Member
Posts: 22
Gender: Male
Dev Status: Disabled
Relationship Status: Single
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Post by manny on Jun 24, 2020 15:47:51 GMT -5
First, welcome to PD! I hope you stick around even when this conversation dies down. I hate to be a "doom and gloom" person, but from what you have written, I think your marriage as it once was with high attraction is over. She has pretty plainly told you that she's not attracted, feels for you only as a friend, and isn't interested in trying to change that. I don't think time or counseling is going to magically change the way she feels. For marriage counseling to work, BOTH people have to be actively trying to improve the marriage, and it sounds like that's not something she wants. Don't get me wrong, I think counseling would be a benefit, but mostly in terms of coping with the situation and deciding if staying in the marriage is what is best for you both or not. Hi jrm, thanks for your thoughts. You bring up a really good point that both people in the relationship have to actively put the effort in and want to go to therapy. In the past, I've brought up therapy during arguments because I didn't know what to say or do anymore to better the situation. Being in the heat of the moment could have had an affected her response. There are indeed good moments in our relationship, it's not all bad so I apologize if that's what I've portrayed it to be like. It mainly turns bad when lack of physical intimacy is brought up. So maybe if I bring up therapy and potential benefits of it with better timing, a better outcome could be in store. Maybe not with the attraction, but for a better, happier marriage would definitely be worth it in my opinion. It would just really suck if we didn't at least try.
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manny
New Member
Posts: 22
Gender: Male
Dev Status: Disabled
Relationship Status: Single
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Post by manny on Jun 24, 2020 15:50:16 GMT -5
Totally agree and a strong part of me believes that she does want to make it work, or else she would have left a long time ago. I think she is just scared of what changes could come if she does speak with a therapist. But maybe that is an opportunity for me to approach her in the right way to explain how it could be beneficial for not only her mental health and well being, but for our relationship as well. Thank you for bringing up my care situation, I forgot to mention that aspect of our relationship that also plays a part. On top of working her job, she is also one of my caregivers and helps take care of me. About a year ago, she opened up with me about how taking care of me so often was getting to be too much for her and that she needed to scale back from the added responsibility. So I did everything I can within my financial boundaries to get additional help so that she can get a break and focus on herself more often instead of on taking care of me so much. I actually saw an immediate improvement in our relationship as a married couple, but the physical intimacy and attraction from her never changed. Thank you for helping me understand that it's difficult to have romantic or sexual feelings when you're overwhelmed or tired. I honestly feel like I've done so much to take the burden off from her, but maybe there is room for more. Thanks so much for your message. It feels really good to hear different perspectives and reflect on things that maybe I can do to improve our situation. If I was you I would give the therapist a go you both have nothing to lose from seeing a therapist from my own experience of going to see a therapist it helps you look at things in a different light and it will help both of you to get each other points of view and how both of you really feel about each other Thanks man, I think that's the next step that I'm going to take. Hopefully it is received well this time around if I approach the conversation better.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Jun 24, 2020 17:49:20 GMT -5
Welcome to PD but sorry you came here under these circumstances. First off, women don't "turn" dev, they are either a dev or not. As mentioned above somewhere, it is something most of us have known for a very long time, since early childhood or during teenage years when sexually developing, and yes, some think it is something we are born with. So, don't expect your wife to suddenly turn dev on you in that way, if she would be a dev it probably would have shown earlier. Also, just because someone is a dev does not mean that she would take a disability light hearted and see only an advantage/fun/attraction in it, that is not the case either. Most devs know a lot about disabilities, the good and the bad and that makes us possibly a bit different than a non-dev woman and we approach the subject openly. It doesn't matter but a disability is a tough thing and yours is even tougher because it progresses and it's permanent and definitely a tough one to deal with. I figured it was ALS when you wrote about the progression and right away, I had to think of Steve Gleason, ex Saints player. So, on your marriage, I am thinking about your wife in terms that she is scared to maybe leave you because she would feel terrible in the face of your disability and how it progressed/progresses. I agree with the statement that she may feel trapped. If you haven't tried counseling, I really think this should have happened a while back, not just now when your disability has progressed extensively and intimacy/sexual connection is lacking/lost. Counseling should have happened right as you were diagnosed I think. This situation is not just a little problem that can be fixed easily, it goes way deeper than that and for two young people as you are to make it through this, it takes a lot. I believe there is no way for you both to get through this without help, mental help and organizational help. If she refuses, I also believe she may just want out, as harsh as this sounds. You are still two young people and as you mentioned, she had lots of plans with you, you both had lots of plans together that now won't happen. If she is already unhappy and distant now and doesn't want counseling, then I think as hard as this is, you have to let her go. Maybe you can remain friends and at least she doesn't have the "wife" title hovering over her anymore and it will still be a connection for you both. I actually know a couple who divorced, remained friends, had fun going separate ways for a while and then reconnected and got married again. As we have discussed in the past here as well, being a caregiver and a lover is difficult to sustain. Some women can do it, but I personally would think, it should be kept mostly separate with small exceptions of course, especially in a marriage. I feel for you both but it sounds like you may have to make a decision. Talk it over openly, no holding back, all emotions and cards on the table and see where you both stand and if there is a chance of your marriage to survive and maybe the passion to reignite. You both can't be blamed for any of this, it's a tough cookie to swallow for sure. Maybe stick around here with us and mingle and meet people. I think this community could be a good thing for you.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Jun 24, 2020 18:28:14 GMT -5
Hi there, I hope you will enjoy being part of pd, and maybe find the support you need. As a dev it’s very hard for me to place myself in the thoughts of a woman without an attraction to disability....but I’ve spoken to lots of interabled couples. Some of them were in a similar situation to you, already in a serious relationship or married. For a lot of couples, their love is enough to deal with the changed circumstances and in a lot of cases the relationship actually gets much stronger but for some it just doesn’t work. Some women can’t handle the enormous changes both in day to day life and in the ideas they saw for your future together. I think you need to have very open communication with your wife and hope that she can be honest with you about her feelings. There is nothing worse than a loveless relationship with no intimacy or affection and i hope you can both salvage your marriage but if not, then there is only one option for both your happiness.
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rebeca
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Posts: 162
Gender: Female
Dev Status: Devotee
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Post by rebeca on Jun 24, 2020 18:40:43 GMT -5
manny, I'm with Inkdevil with this. I'm going to apologise for being blunt. If I were you, I would make a time to have a serious conversation with your wife, and give her sufficient forewarning that we will be doing this. Basically I'd ask her why she is with me. There are many reasons people stay in relationships, Love is only one part of it. It is also perfectly possible to still love someone and not be attracted to them one bit. If I have a relationship with a person I found attractive and their appearance and ability change drastically, like they gained 300 lbs (this is just an example I'm not fat shaming anyone), I doubt I would still be attracted to them. They may think that they are the same person inside but it's not really true, their body, their medical needs, their activity, their career, their recreation, their social relationships-- everything is affected by that. They really are a very different person. I might stay because I am bad at breaking up, I feel obligated or I feel sorry for that person, but that doesn't mean I want to have sex with them. Love and sex don't necessarily follow each other. I don't think you can 'learn' to be sexually attracted to something you are not attracted to. No amount of 'should' affects our sexual interests. If your wife is able to answer the question Why she is still with you, I believe you can work out the next steps from there. If her answer is duty, obligation or guilt, would you be cool with that?
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rebeca
Full Member
Posts: 162
Gender: Female
Dev Status: Devotee
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Post by rebeca on Jun 24, 2020 18:48:52 GMT -5
Also manny have you asked her why she won't be intimate with you? This will be hard for you to hear and for her to answer and it feels like she may even avoid the question. But it's very important to ask that question, and face those answers.
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Post by devogirl on Jun 24, 2020 19:45:34 GMT -5
Hi Manny, I'm sorry to hear you are going through all this. ALS is a very tough condition for everyone. You are absolutely not wrong for wanting sex from your wife but can't make her into a dev any more than you can make yourself gay or straight or whatever. These desires are hard wired. However, many non-dev women are successfully partnered to people even with severe disabilities and find them attractive. But honestly I think this is the least of your problems, or rather one that can't fixed without addressing other issues first.
So you were together as teenagers (never a good sign, those immature relationships don't usually last, despite the romantic myths our culture tells us) then got married after she knew your diagnosis. Maybe she was in denial about what was coming, or just didn't fully realize what daily life would be like. Or maybe she already felt obligated to stay, or had romantic ideas about care giving. But whatever it is, she needs therapy now and the fact that she refuses is not a good sign. Also the conservative ideas about sex you both have are making things more difficult. There is no "real" sex--any form of physical pleasure and intimacy is legitimate, whether it's p-i-v or masturbation with a vibrator. She's probably still mourning the life she imagined with you and the kind of sex you used to have, but she needs to work that out with a therapist.
As many people have said on this board before, having a partner be a primary carer is almost never a good idea. If she is willing to try to rekindle intimacy, the first step needs to be getting more help with your care so she is doing less. But that may not be possible, and it sounds like she doesn't even want to try. But probably everyone in her life is telling her she's a saint for staying with you and she would be a monster if she left. So you're both feeling stuck, and something has to change. You both have the option of seeking other people for sex, if you could adapt your idea of partnership to your current reality. You deserve to feel desired. However the pandemic is making that even harder; it will be a very long time before meeting other people is safe enough. Right now only virtual hookups are a possibility, but even that could be fulfilling.
But I think you need to let her know that the current situation is untenable, and you both absolutely need to see therapists, both together and separately, a therapist with experience with severe disabilities because not all of them know. The point of therapy is not to convince her to have sex with you, but to deal with the heavy burdens you are both bearing.
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gin
Junior Member
'Then I knew that our love was just a car crash away' ~Marilyn
Posts: 52
Gender: Male
Dev Status: Disabled Male
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Post by gin on Jun 24, 2020 20:47:19 GMT -5
So, first of all: Welcome from another "Newbie"! (You probably know more about this place than I do, since you lurked a lot.) Secondly, I'd like to express my deepest respect! I'm about your age, so I can somewhat relate to the general "mindset" you're in. And you sound like a pretty chill dude, despite all the struggle, so I appreciate you decided to join and share your story. I don't really dare to give you any advice though, but I like some of the ideas that were presented so far. Yet, I want to try and answer your question from a "meta" perspective. You're asking whether it's possible to turn someone into a dev, or teach them to feel like one. The question behind that, is more along the lines of "How do I make it so my wife finds me desirable again?", I believe. So I'd like to take a more general approach... You are talking about being able to find happiness and pursue passions. (May I ask: What are these passions?) "Passion" is key here, in a two-fold sense. I don't know you guys well enough, obviously, but all I can say is, in order for someone to love (and perhaps even "desire") you – the craving for which is perfectly natural, so don't think there could be anything wrong with it – there must be some shared passion(s) involved. Sex is (or may be) one of them. There's many different other kinds, and there's different kinds of sex, of course. So still a pretty big basket to pick from. What you make out of it, and whether it's "enough", is totally up to (the both of) you. But, being the hopeless romantic I am, I'd say there is still a pretty good chance things may end up better than expected. A few years is really not a lot of time to "get over" (or "cope with") something like this, and I'm amazed about how you managed to "adapt" so quickly. That being said, honesty is important, too. You're married, so you should atleast be able to talk about your feelings openly which each other. Especially in a situation like this. Try to be pragmatic about it, and cut everything that stands between you on a "human" level. Atleast she's your "best friend", right? And vice versa. No matter how uncomfortable it may be, this is where your friendship is at stake, not your marriage. Get drunk or whatever, play some nice music, and talk to each other til dawn, idk. But you have to open up again, one way or the other. Oh, and I strongly agree, it may be wise to reduce her "caregiving" to the utmost little possible. For various reasons. Maybe it will be "easier" for her some day, and she'd actually "enjoy" doing some more, but at this point in time, it would surely be benefitial. You should spend as much (quality) time together as humanly possible, though. And maybe discover some new "passions" with or about each other along the way. I wish you all the Best, from the bottom of my Heart! –Gin.
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manny
New Member
Posts: 22
Gender: Male
Dev Status: Disabled
Relationship Status: Single
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Post by manny on Jun 25, 2020 0:26:23 GMT -5
Welcome to PD but sorry you came here under these circumstances. First off, women don't "turn" dev, they are either a dev or not. As mentioned above somewhere, it is something most of us have known for a very long time, since early childhood or during teenage years when sexually developing, and yes, some think it is something we are born with. So, don't expect your wife to suddenly turn dev on you in that way, if she would be a dev it probably would have shown earlier. Also, just because someone is a dev does not mean that she would take a disability light hearted and see only an advantage/fun/attraction in it, that is not the case either. Most devs know a lot about disabilities, the good and the bad and that makes us possibly a bit different than a non-dev woman and we approach the subject openly. It doesn't matter but a disability is a tough thing and yours is even tougher because it progresses and it's permanent and definitely a tough one to deal with. I figured it was ALS when you wrote about the progression and right away, I had to think of Steve Gleason, ex Saints player. So, on your marriage, I am thinking about your wife in terms that she is scared to maybe leave you because she would feel terrible in the face of your disability and how it progressed/progresses. I agree with the statement that she may feel trapped. If you haven't tried counseling, I really think this should have happened a while back, not just now when your disability has progressed extensively and intimacy/sexual connection is lacking/lost. Counseling should have happened right as you were diagnosed I think. This situation is not just a little problem that can be fixed easily, it goes way deeper than that and for two young people as you are to make it through this, it takes a lot. I believe there is no way for you both to get through this without help, mental help and organizational help. If she refuses, I also believe she may just want out, as harsh as this sounds. You are still two young people and as you mentioned, she had lots of plans with you, you both had lots of plans together that now won't happen. If she is already unhappy and distant now and doesn't want counseling, then I think as hard as this is, you have to let her go. Maybe you can remain friends and at least she doesn't have the "wife" title hovering over her anymore and it will still be a connection for you both. I actually know a couple who divorced, remained friends, had fun going separate ways for a while and then reconnected and got married again. As we have discussed in the past here as well, being a caregiver and a lover is difficult to sustain. Some women can do it, but I personally would think, it should be kept mostly separate with small exceptions of course, especially in a marriage. I feel for you both but it sounds like you may have to make a decision. Talk it over openly, no holding back, all emotions and cards on the table and see where you both stand and if there is a chance of your marriage to survive and maybe the passion to reignite. You both can't be blamed for any of this, it's a tough cookie to swallow for sure. Maybe stick around here with us and mingle and meet people. I think this community could be a good thing for you. Hey Dani, first off thanks for explaining devness to me in more depth. I was definitely wrong with my question about of if someone can just turn dev. I truly apologize if that came across as disrespectful or insensitive in any way. That was definitely not my intention, I'm just trying to learn and now I have a clear understanding. I also don't think that devs only see the fun and attraction in having relationships with PWDs. I definitely understand even more so now, especially from my situation, that being with a PWD has many challenges, difficulties and hardships. And that's a huge thanks to so many of you that have replied and opened my eyes to this even more. I think it's also really comforting for me to be in a community of people that really understand what it's like in so many ways. The majority of people in my life up until this point have no idea what it's like. So I feel really comfortable already expressing myself to everyone. Steve Gleason is an incredible human being by the way! His efforts in the ALS community are so special. You bring up so many important points here that I feel like I have to acknowledge so that they really stick with me. I never want my wife to feel trapped. That's never been my intention and I don't want her to feel like she cannot live her life and be happy and do the things she wants, just because I'm in her life. Nobody deserves that. But I 110% understand why she may feel that way because of so many significant factors that have changed since I was diagnosed. I need to express this to her because even just the possibility of her feeling that way hurts me deep. Life with ALS is a slow, but extremely agonizing experience. And even though I've gone from being fully able bodied to paralyzed in less than four years, the losses experienced over time for both my wife and I came so fast at the same time. I think being young and still being immature with how we handle certain situations has had a large hindering affect in our marriage. And that's a huge part of our problem. I agree that counseling should have happened a while ago. She even mentioned that to me in college so that we could work out our issues at the time, even before I was diagnosed. Shows me how much she really cared and I wish I would have been more accepting of it back then like I am now. Could have set a normalcy in our relationship, especially for when the really tough times kicked in. I think my plan is to authentically express this to her and say that I don't want expectations going into therapy. I don't want to do this just to rekindle her intimate feelings for me or try and make our relationship picture perfect. I think if I went into therapy with that mindset, it wouldn't be successful. Successful in terms of us being open, honest and come to terms on how we both value each other in our lives and our happiness. We've been together for over 11 faithful years and our love for each other runs deep. Deeper than just attraction. And I admit that in the past, my sexual desires sometimes blinded me from seeing and appreciating that. Something that I really need to continue working on and know that I have to. Thank you for your time and energy in helping me reflect on this. It really means a lot to me! I'll definitely be sticking around. I've gained so much perspective and understanding already and I still have more thoughtful posts to read. Thank you PD.
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manny
New Member
Posts: 22
Gender: Male
Dev Status: Disabled
Relationship Status: Single
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Post by manny on Jun 25, 2020 1:08:17 GMT -5
manny , I'm with Inkdevil with this. I'm going to apologise for being blunt. If I were you, I would make a time to have a serious conversation with your wife, and give her sufficient forewarning that we will be doing this. Basically I'd ask her why she is with me. There are many reasons people stay in relationships, Love is only one part of it. It is also perfectly possible to still love someone and not be attracted to them one bit. If I have a relationship with a person I found attractive and their appearance and ability change drastically, like they gained 300 lbs (this is just an example I'm not fat shaming anyone), I doubt I would still be attracted to them. They may think that they are the same person inside but it's not really true, their body, their medical needs, their activity, their career, their recreation, their social relationships-- everything is affected by that. They really are a very different person. I might stay because I am bad at breaking up, I feel obligated or I feel sorry for that person, but that doesn't mean I want to have sex with them. Love and sex don't necessarily follow each other. I don't think you can 'learn' to be sexually attracted to something you are not attracted to. No amount of 'should' affects our sexual interests. If your wife is able to answer the question Why she is still with you, I believe you can work out the next steps from there. If her answer is duty, obligation or guilt, would you be cool with that? I agree with literally everything that you said, rebeca. You're right on so many different levels and I appreciate you sharing your perspective with me. If her answer is because of duty, obligation or guilt, deep down I know I'm not okay with that. It's hard to break comfortable habits that I think we both have developed over time. But I know that some type of important change needs to be made in order for us both to be happy and to be happy with each other. I can't resent her for not keeping her same feelings for me throughout a real physical, mental and emotional experience. And she can't resent me for randomly being diagnosed with a physical disability and can't do certain things for her anymore, that I dreadfully wish I still could. I know what needs to be said. Thank you rebeca. I really appreciate it!
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manny
New Member
Posts: 22
Gender: Male
Dev Status: Disabled
Relationship Status: Single
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Post by manny on Jun 25, 2020 1:12:36 GMT -5
Also manny have you asked her why she won't be intimate with you? This will be hard for you to hear and for her to answer and it feels like she may even avoid the question. But it's very important to ask that question, and face those answers. I haven't directly asked her no, but I know that I need to. It's definitely something I need to hear and understand so that I can empathize with her on it.
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rebeca
Full Member
Posts: 162
Gender: Female
Dev Status: Devotee
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Post by rebeca on Jun 25, 2020 2:04:14 GMT -5
from the way you have interacted with all of us here manny, I just want to thank you for being so open-minded, and receptive. You're very polite and willing to listen. I know that will stand you in good stead as you navigate this difficult road ahead of you and your wife. Just wanted to add two things really: 1. Even if things don't work out the way you would ideally like them to, please know that that doesn't detract from the love you two share. Once loved is always loved 2. Some of us devs would consider a full-body paralysis and a working D very very sexy. I don't know if you need to hear that from time to time, but if things get hard, please know that you are still very desirable to a lot of people out there. We all need to remember that sometimes. Best of luck!
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