manny
New Member
Posts: 22
Gender: Male
Dev Status: Disabled
Relationship Status: Single
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Post by manny on Jun 24, 2020 10:34:26 GMT -5
Hey everyone, this is something that I've been contemplating writing and sharing for the past few months since I found out about the Dev community through reddit, so please forgive me if I seem all over the place. I just feel a need to share my story in hopes of getting some valuable feedback and inclusion in this really awesome community.
I'm 25 years old and was diagnosed with a progressive paralyzing disorder four years ago when I was in my senior year of college. My body is now nearly fully paralyzed, with exception to some movement in my head, neck and mouth. It's been a tough journey of going from a fully abled and physically fit young man to being totally confined to a wheelchair. But, I can say that over time I have adjusted really well to my new lifestyle and have been able to find self happiness and motivation to pursue my passions to the absolute best of my ability.
The toughest part: I was lucky to have been in a long term relationship since high school and ended up marrying my now wife, three years ago. We had a really great relationship before I started losing my physical ability, but it's been downhill ever since I've progressed to becoming paralyzed. A large part of me really thought and hoped that my disability wouldn't affect our relationship and that the attraction she has always had for me wouldn't just vanish. However, it's gotten to a point now that even if I try to initiate (verbally) any sexual and sometimes even emotional connection or interaction, I'm disregarded, questioned and made to feel like I'm gross for even trying. Facial expressions can be very depictive of how someone feels about you in any given moment. It's really difficult for me because I still have the same attraction that I have always had for her, but so much is simply out of my control now. And because I can't physically touch her, that means that I get nothing either. Even though I never asked for myself to become disabled.
Question for devs: do you think that being attracted to PWDs is something that can be learned and developed in a situation like mine? Or is it something that is just natural to happen? I'm still really new to this so please let me know if that is a dumb question.
I realize that it is difficult for her to go from being with me when I was fully able bodied to now paralyzed, in regards to our physical connection. But I haven't let my disability change who I am as a person and I've always had the mindset that we would simply adjust and adapt to the changes to make the most of our situation.
I've gone so long now with little attention and interaction from the person that I have loved for the longest time and I crave that feeling again. I think I've just lost hope that she will rekindle the feelings that she once had for me. Any guys out there experience any similar situations? Am I wrong to be feeling this way?
I think that from my lurking over the past few months, I've learned that Devs care a lot for PWDs which is why I gravitated towards PD.
Sorry for such a long post. All I ask is that everyone keeps it real with me so I can hopefully see things from different perspectives and grow from this.
-Manny
p.s on a more personal note, I'm a big sports guy, I enjoy listening to hip hop, r&b, pop and old school rock & roll music, I have a bachelor's degree in Business Administration and I'm currently exploring the world of social impact entrepreneurship. Hope to connect with some of y'all.
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Post by cilantro on Jun 24, 2020 10:57:11 GMT -5
Hi Manny! I’m really glad you’re here, there’s something really valuable to be found in this community. About your story, I can’t help but be a little bit furious at this girl I’ve never met for leaving you without the very essential gift of affectionate touch, but also I can imagine that she is going through something very profound and difficult as she watches your life change. I suppose it is up to who she is as a person whether she can overcome this bump in your life together, but I think in cases like these open communication is usually very important. Maybe tell her what you’ve been thinking (maybe you have, but tell her again then). It’s better to know for sure what she’s thinking and how she’s feeling and for her to know about you as well.
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KingRichard
Full Member
Posts: 200
Gender: Male
Dev Status: Disabled Male
Relationship Status: Single
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Post by KingRichard on Jun 24, 2020 11:19:04 GMT -5
I feel for you manny I was born with my disabilities but one of them kicked in later in my life which ended up taking me into a very dark place in my life do to not being able to do the stuff I used to do and losing my job I am glad you was able to deal with it better than me the only thing I can say about you wife is it's best to talk to her about trying to save your marriage I wish you luck
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Post by mona on Jun 24, 2020 11:35:44 GMT -5
Welcome!
You ask: "do you think that being attracted to PWDs is something that can be learned and developed in a situation like mine? Or is it something that is just natural to happen?"
Personally, I think the kind of attraction that devs bring to this site is something that we've "learned" in our early childhood. Some believe we were born with it. In any case, it's nothing we've chosen or wished for or consciously developed. And no one knows why we feel that way.
Nevertheless, I do think that any person can continue to love their partner even though their body (and their whole life) is effected by a severe illness and therefore strong and difficult changes. It's actually what we promise to our spouse at our wedding. But it is tough and I don't know how I would handle it if I ever had to ... And I'm very sorry that you and your wife have to go through this.
Have you considered marriage counceling?
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manny
New Member
Posts: 22
Gender: Male
Dev Status: Disabled
Relationship Status: Single
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Post by manny on Jun 24, 2020 11:55:39 GMT -5
Hi Manny! I’m really glad you’re here, there’s something really valuable to be found in this community. About your story, I can’t help but be a little bit furious at this girl I’ve never met for leaving you without the very essential gift of affectionate touch, but also I can imagine that she is going through something very profound and difficult as she watches your life change. I suppose it is up to who she is as a person whether she can overcome this bump in your life together, but I think in cases like these open communication is usually very important. Maybe tell her what you’ve been thinking (maybe you have, but tell her again then). It’s better to know for sure what she’s thinking and how she’s feeling and for her to know about you as well. Hey Cilantro, yes it's definitely difficult for the both of us to be going through what has transpired in our lives. I think you're right that it's up to her in a lot of ways to see if she can overcome this big ass bump in the road. I feel like I've done nearly everything I can to communicate how I feel about our relationship and lack of intimacy. I've tried buying her toys so she could at least pleasure herself in times that she wants to, but her response is that she wants the real thing and doesn't want to do it herself. Even though my D is completely functional and she can do what she wants with it to pleasure herself. She's mentioned to me before that she's gotten comfortable with just feeling like my friend, even though I've expressed that I view her as much more than just my friend and want more from our relationship. Just seems like every day goes by and I'm stuck in this routine of feeling like I should just not bring it up anymore because every time I do, it goes nowhere. I'm a persistent guy though, so I will keep trying to create open communication. I just don't want her to feel like I'm trying to force something upon her if she truly doesn't want it anymore.
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manny
New Member
Posts: 22
Gender: Male
Dev Status: Disabled
Relationship Status: Single
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Post by manny on Jun 24, 2020 12:16:17 GMT -5
Welcome! You ask: "do you think that being attracted to PWDs is something that can be learned and developed in a situation like mine? Or is it something that is just natural to happen?" Personally, I think the kind of attraction that devs bring to this site is something that we've "learned" in our early childhood. Some believe we were born with it. In any case, it's nothing we've chosen or wished for or consciously developed. And no one knows why we feel that way. Nevertheless, I do think that any person can continue to love their partner even though their body (and their whole life) is effected by a severe illness and therefore strong and difficult changes. It's actually what we promise to our spouse at our wedding. But it is tough and I don't know how I would handle it if I ever had to ... And I'm very sorry that you and your wife have to go through this. Have you considered marriage counceling? Hey Mona, thanks for letting me know how the Dev attraction is generally developed. I completely agree that any person can continue to love their partner despite a disabling change. I always think to myself that if the roles were reversed, I'd do anything in my power to make sure she felt wanted, needed, appreciated and intimately pleasured. I know that I'll never truly be able to understand what she is going through, but I just feel like I would handle it in such a different way. I actually have brought up our vows before and what those promises to each other meant, but her response is that "things have changed". I know that deep down she still loves me and always will, but I don't know if she ever will like she used to throughout our relationship. And it really fucking sucks that I feel like that is a direct result of me being disabled. Yes I have brought up marriage counseling but she doesn't really have interest in it and seems to be fixated on the fact that unless my body is magically cured and back to normal again, nothing will be able to improve.
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KingRichard
Full Member
Posts: 200
Gender: Male
Dev Status: Disabled Male
Relationship Status: Single
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Post by KingRichard on Jun 24, 2020 12:45:37 GMT -5
Welcome! You ask: "do you think that being attracted to PWDs is something that can be learned and developed in a situation like mine? Or is it something that is just natural to happen?" Personally, I think the kind of attraction that devs bring to this site is something that we've "learned" in our early childhood. Some believe we were born with it. In any case, it's nothing we've chosen or wished for or consciously developed. And no one knows why we feel that way. Nevertheless, I do think that any person can continue to love their partner even though their body (and their whole life) is effected by a severe illness and therefore strong and difficult changes. It's actually what we promise to our spouse at our wedding. But it is tough and I don't know how I would handle it if I ever had to ... And I'm very sorry that you and your wife have to go through this. Have you considered marriage counceling? Hey Mona, thanks for letting me know how the Dev attraction is generally developed. I completely agree that any person can continue to love their partner despite a disabling change. I always think to myself that if the roles were reversed, I'd do anything in my power to make sure she felt wanted, needed, appreciated and intimately pleasured. I know that I'll never truly be able to understand what she is going through, but I just feel like I would handle it in such a different way. I actually have brought up our vows before and what those promises to each other meant, but her response is that "things have changed". I know that deep down she still loves me and always will, but I don't know if she ever will like she used to throughout our relationship. And it really fucking sucks that I feel like that is a direct result of me being disabled. Yes I have brought up marriage counseling but she doesn't really have interest in it and seems to be fixated on the fact that unless my body is magically cured and back to normal again, nothing will be able to improve. Well the only thing I can say is that if your wife is not willing to try and save your relationship there is really only one option left to you
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c56sciguy
New Member
Posts: 36
Gender: Male
Dev Status: Disabled Male
Relationship Status: Single
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Post by c56sciguy on Jun 24, 2020 13:03:15 GMT -5
I've gone so long now with little attention and interaction from the person that I have loved for the longest time and I crave that feeling again. I think I've just lost hope that she will rekindle the feelings that she once had for me. Any guys out there experience any similar situations? Am I wrong to be feeling this way? I was in a different situation to you but being in the spinal unit, I saw lots of people in your situation albeit with the perhaps more instant nature of the disability. At 25 I can imagine it must be difficult for her to admit that you need marriage counselling or perhaps she needs some sort of additional therapy to discuss the situation with a neutral third party. She may feel awful about the change in her physical attraction to you. But at the end of the day we all have our preferences and some of them are negotiable and some not. But as someone said above, if she doesn't want to engage with any of that then I don't see many other options going forward other than for you to part ways at least as a married couple. I do have a friend who's partner no longer has any interest in sex. She has basically said to him that he can pursue any sexual interests outside of the marriage and they set some rules like- he can only ever arrange to meet people outside of the house etc. I'm sure that's a much less common scenario than just splitting up though. Good luck with it all- there are no right answers to this unfortunately.
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Post by ContingentlyComposite on Jun 24, 2020 13:48:48 GMT -5
Hi Manny, welcome to PD!
I'm sorry you're going through all this with your wife. I agree with c56sciguy that she might really benefit from some therapy and having someone to talk to about it all. Since she may be experiencing guilt that she doesn't want to talk to you about, that might be more helpful than marriage counseling. She has to want to do that though. In the same vein, it might help if she could talk to some other women who are going through something similar.
I definitely think you can go from not feeling attracted to someone to finding them attractive--I've experienced that myself. And lots of people do still find their partners attractive after major physical changes. But attraction is a strange thing. Sometimes people just have certain firm preferences that aren't going to change.
Just an idea. You haven't mentioned your care situation. Adjusting to caring for your partner in certain ways even if you're getting a lot of support can be overwhelming. It's hard to have romantic/sexual feelings when you feel overwhelmed or tired. If you think she might be feeling overwhelmed or not getting enough rest, maybe finding ways to get more support would give her a little more space to start feeling the romance again.
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Post by mona on Jun 24, 2020 13:53:08 GMT -5
There are many, many more options between being a picture-perfect couple and going completely separate ways. I think you should look for help and hopefully, you'll find a way to make this new life work for both of you. But I'm not the right person to give you advice in this. I hope some of the wiser members will chime in (I miss @tykes ...). Good to have you here, manny. I hope you enjoy the board.
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manny
New Member
Posts: 22
Gender: Male
Dev Status: Disabled
Relationship Status: Single
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Post by manny on Jun 24, 2020 14:00:23 GMT -5
I've gone so long now with little attention and interaction from the person that I have loved for the longest time and I crave that feeling again. I think I've just lost hope that she will rekindle the feelings that she once had for me. Any guys out there experience any similar situations? Am I wrong to be feeling this way? I was in a different situation to you but being in the spinal unit, I saw lots of people in your situation albeit with the perhaps more instant nature of the disability. At 25 I can imagine it must be difficult for her to admit that you need marriage counselling or perhaps she needs some sort of additional therapy to discuss the situation with a neutral third party. She may feel awful about the change in her physical attraction to you. But at the end of the day we all have our preferences and some of them are negotiable and some not. But as someone said above, if she doesn't want to engage with any of that then I don't see many other options going forward other than for you to part ways at least as a married couple. I do have a friend who's partner no longer has any interest in sex. She has basically said to him that he can pursue any sexual interests outside of the marriage and they set some rules like- he can only ever arrange to meet people outside of the house etc. I'm sure that's a much less common scenario than just splitting up though. Good luck with it all- there are no right answers to this unfortunately. I do think that she feels bad about the change in physical attraction. And you said it perfectly, everyone has their preferences. I try and think about that often to sympathize with her in the situation. My mind just sometimes drifts to what Mona alluded to regarding the promises made in marriage. Not to mention that the attraction between us was high before the wheelchair came into play. It's a difficult situation. I do think that a greater effort can be made on my end to suggest counseling for us both, as well as for her individually so she has an outlet to speak to someone privately and reflect on our situation without me present. Thank you for mentioning that. I've thought about bringing up pursuing outside sexual interests in both of our lives if things continue to show no progress. Personally, it seems like it would be an emotional roller-coaster for me to accept someone else with her. But maybe it would be something to adapt to and accept. Despite my younger age, I have pretty traditional views when it comes to marriage, but maybe having an open mind could do more good than harm. Thanks for your thoughts man.
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Post by Inkdevil on Jun 24, 2020 14:15:00 GMT -5
Hi Manny and welcome to PD. I wish, for your sake, it was under slightly happier circumstances that you were able to join us.
Nobody can second guess what your wife is thinking, but you can guarantee that she has probably spent many sleepless nights mulling things over in her head, regardless of whether she’s been able to communicate those thoughts to you or not.
The sad truth is, a lot of people have a hard time fitting a serious disability into the picture they’ve painted of their lives. It’s not something most people expect or foresee in their future together. The usual slow decline of old age, yes. But something as serious as your disability (and it is a Big Deal, let’s not gloss over that) is a game changer. I don’t honestly think most people could just sail through that change in their relationship, regardless of how close they are as a couple, or how long they’ve been together.
So, as keen as you are to make this work and however much you feel this hasn’t changed you as a person inside, it has changed you as a person on the outside. You aren’t the man she married in that respect - and you can’t hold the way she feels about you ‘as a friend’ against her. She probably/maybe feels completely trapped. She’s known you forever, so how can she just let you go? You have a major disability. How can she walk away from you without looking like a shitheel in the eyes of others and feeling the same about herself? The fact you are still the same loving, attentive and apparently unchanged person towards her is probably making the option of leaving you even more impossible for her and making her feel even more trapped. If you were bitter, angry and resentful, she’d at least have some reason to use as an excuse to go.
What plans had you made for the future? Had you planned kids? Travelling? Doing things together such as shared hobbies? Again, she will have seen these plans fade and become changed beyond recognition. Can she accept that the things that would’ve been shared tasks will now all fall on her shoulders? It’s a big thing to have to do all the physical stuff yourself. As a single parent, I know it’s bloody hard work.
There’s also the fact that you were college sweethearts. When I think back to the college days me and the person I am now, I can’t even recognise myself as the same person. People change A LOT during their early 20’s and 30’s. Even without throwing a serious disability into the mix, you may well have grown apart anyway. Are you sure your love for her is not in part a fixation on her as someone familiar and known and ‘from before’ if you like? That you can’t even contemplate having to seek out and rebuild a relationship with anyone else because of the situation you are in - and how hard that would be?
I’m sorry if I’ve thrown up a lot of things that are hard to read, or you believe to be totally untrue, or maybe even unjustified. You said you wanted honest opinions and I’m just trying to put myself in your wife’s shoes and offer up my thoughts. Please don’t take them as criticism or judgement on you. You have done nothing wrong. But you two are sadly stuck in an awkward eternal dance, until one of you breaks. I wish you every luck in finding a resolution that you both can live with.
In respect to devness, I think you are born that way. Nothing in my childhood could have prompted these feelings. They come from within, not from without. They are not always easy to live with, but I can’t change the way I am.
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Post by jrm on Jun 24, 2020 14:17:50 GMT -5
First, welcome to PD! I hope you stick around even when this conversation dies down.
I hate to be a "doom and gloom" person, but from what you have written, I think your marriage as it once was with high attraction is over. She has pretty plainly told you that she's not attracted, feels for you only as a friend, and isn't interested in trying to change that. I don't think time or counseling is going to magically change the way she feels. For marriage counseling to work, BOTH people have to be actively trying to improve the marriage, and it sounds like that's not something she wants. Don't get me wrong, I think counseling would be a benefit, but mostly in terms of coping with the situation and deciding if staying in the marriage is what is best for you both or not.
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Post by Corey on Jun 24, 2020 14:21:14 GMT -5
Thanks for sharing your story. I’m really curious what is your disability?
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manny
New Member
Posts: 22
Gender: Male
Dev Status: Disabled
Relationship Status: Single
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Post by manny on Jun 24, 2020 14:22:36 GMT -5
Hi Manny, welcome to PD!
I'm sorry you're going through all this with your wife. I agree with c56sciguy that she might really benefit from some therapy and having someone to talk to about it all. Since she may be experiencing guilt that she doesn't want to talk to you about, that might be more helpful than marriage counseling. She has to want to do that though. In the same vein, it might help if she could talk to some other women who are going through something similar.
I definitely think you can go from not feeling attracted to someone to finding them attractive--I've experienced that myself. And lots of people do still find their partners attractive after major physical changes. But attraction is a strange thing. Sometimes people just have certain firm preferences that aren't going to change.
Just an idea. You haven't mentioned your care situation. Adjusting to caring for your partner in certain ways even if you're getting a lot of support can be overwhelming. It's hard to have romantic/sexual feelings when you feel overwhelmed or tired. If you think she might be feeling overwhelmed or not getting enough rest, maybe finding ways to get more support would give her a little more space to start feeling the romance again.
Totally agree and a strong part of me believes that she does want to make it work, or else she would have left a long time ago. I think she is just scared of what changes could come if she does speak with a therapist. But maybe that is an opportunity for me to approach her in the right way to explain how it could be beneficial for not only her mental health and well being, but for our relationship as well. Thank you for bringing up my care situation, I forgot to mention that aspect of our relationship that also plays a part. On top of working her job, she is also one of my caregivers and helps take care of me. About a year ago, she opened up with me about how taking care of me so often was getting to be too much for her and that she needed to scale back from the added responsibility. So I did everything I can within my financial boundaries to get additional help so that she can get a break and focus on herself more often instead of on taking care of me so much. I actually saw an immediate improvement in our relationship as a married couple, but the physical intimacy and attraction from her never changed. Thank you for helping me understand that it's difficult to have romantic or sexual feelings when you're overwhelmed or tired. I honestly feel like I've done so much to take the burden off from her, but maybe there is room for more. Thanks so much for your message. It feels really good to hear different perspectives and reflect on things that maybe I can do to improve our situation.
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