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Post by rebeckers84 on Aug 8, 2020 15:03:29 GMT -5
In a follow up to a couple posts on the dev struggles thread.... I told my bestie today!!! First person in real life I have ever told outside of the guys I’ve dated!
It honestly was totally fine. Totally nonchalant. I think at first I was trying to build up to it way too much but I quickly stopped myself and I was like ok I’m just going to tell you and then we can go into all the details.
We had some good conversation after I told her and she asked a few questions and honestly put a few pieces in place where she was like ok then this kinda makes sense.
I’ve been in the verge of telling a few friends for a while now. And now that’s I’ve decided I’m gonna do this podcast I was like I cannot let that be the first time I say it out loud to someone! And I also felt like it would be a little hypocritical of me to go on there spouting about how it’s not a bad thing, we’re cool people, this and that but yet I’m too “afraid” to tell anyone in my life. So we were out on a long training ride just the two of us (which doesn’t happen often) and it was a really secluded path with no one else around and the timing couldn’t have felt any more perfect. So I did it!
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Post by missparkle on Aug 8, 2020 16:07:14 GMT -5
Way to go girl! 💪👏 I'm really happy for you and proud you've got the courage to finally spit it out! Well done!👍 It must have been deliberating, it always is for me, when I tell someone new. For me, personally, it is always harder to tell it to a pwd, I guess I was always more concerned about their reaction and accepting/rejection. 🤷🏻♀️ I relate to this very much, I felt the same. And I also felt like it would be a little hypocritical of me to go on there spouting about how it’s not a bad thing, we’re cool people, this and that but yet I’m too “afraid” to tell anyone in my life. In order to be accepted and perceived as cool, you have to accept yourself first, feel cool and act cool! 😎 |
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Post by Deleted on Aug 8, 2020 16:26:22 GMT -5
That's awesome rebeckers84 so happy for you. I am glad my best friends know as well, it's great to not hide this part of who we are. I am too old to be living in hiding with this. I am super excited for you, you go girl! I am also so excited about the podcast, you totally got this. Can't wait! |
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Post by Deleted on Aug 8, 2020 16:41:02 GMT -5
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Post by ContingentlyComposite on Aug 9, 2020 10:06:26 GMT -5
Glad to hear it went well! This is encouraging to me. I've been really wanting to tell one of my closest friends lately. I keep feeling like "ok, I'm doing this today!" and then I chicken out. I recently told her there were some things I want to tell her about my recent dating life when we meet up again in a couple weeks. So now I've set myself up for it and there's no backing out because she'll hound me to death if I don't spill the beans!
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Post by Inkdevil on Aug 9, 2020 17:15:41 GMT -5
It’s a great feeling isn’t it?!
Telling that first person IRL is the biggest step. Remember that your whole life you have kept this part of you hidden from everyone you interact with on a daily basis in your normal life. Your perception of your devness is warped by a lifetime of how you think others will react to you and what you are. It’s not often people react the way you think they will.
I’ve told a few people now and their reactions have been unanimously underwhelming. What is a HUGE thing to me, is nothing to them. Firstly, anyone who isn’t a dev will struggle to understand what a dev is on anything other than a surface level. They won’t understand the many layers to our attraction. They just won’t ‘get’ it. Don’t be too surprised or disappointed by this.
Secondly, try not to go too wild and tell loads of people. I made this mistake. I told people who weren’t close to me and who really didn’t need to know. In retrospect, it gained me nothing, baffled them and put a distance between us. Be choosy about who you tell, because once you’ve spoken those words, you can’t take them back.
Finally, enjoy this new perspective on who you are. It will make you a more balanced person. You’ve got looked the monster in the closet in the eye and realised it’s just a teddy bear. Nothing will be quite the same ever again. But in a good way. Xx
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Post by Deleted on Aug 9, 2020 18:42:27 GMT -5
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Post by rebeckers84 on Aug 9, 2020 19:34:28 GMT -5
Glad to hear it went well! This is encouraging to me. I've been really wanting to tell one of my closest friends lately. I keep feeling like "ok, I'm doing this today!" and then I chicken out. I recently told her there were some things I want to tell her about my recent dating life when we meet up again in a couple weeks. So now I've set myself up for it and there's no backing out because she'll hound me to death if I don't spill the beans! I ALMOST did the exact same thing!! I was going to text her and be like I gotta tell you something on sat but I thought some others were going to be joining us and if they were there I wouldn’t have. Do it!! And then let us know how it goes!!  |
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Post by rebeckers84 on Aug 9, 2020 19:35:05 GMT -5
It’s a great feeling isn’t it?! Telling that first person IRL is the biggest step. Remember that your whole life you have kept this part of you hidden from everyone you interact with on a daily basis in your normal life. Your perception of your devness is warped by a lifetime of how you think others will react to you and what you are. It’s not often people react the way you think they will. I’ve told a few people now and their reactions have been unanimously underwhelming. What is a HUGE thing to me, is nothing to them. Firstly, anyone who isn’t a dev will struggle to understand what a dev is on anything other than a surface level. They won’t understand the many layers to our attraction. They just won’t ‘get’ it. Don’t be too surprised or disappointed by this. Secondly, try not to go too wild and tell loads of people. I made this mistake. I told people who weren’t close to me and who really didn’t need to know. In retrospect, it gained me nothing, baffled them and put a distance between us. Be choosy about who you tell, because once you’ve spoken those words, you can’t take them back. Finally, enjoy this new perspective on who you are. It will make you a more balanced person. You’ve got looked the monster in the closet in the eye and realised it’s just a teddy bear. Nothing will be quite the same ever again. But in a good way. Xx Agreed!!! On all fronts. thanks for saying it all. Makes total sense. And yes, wise words!! |
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Post by Anna on Aug 11, 2020 14:42:06 GMT -5
So cool you did it! And I'm happy to hear it's been so positive 🙂
I'm planning on telling my best friend as well soon and your story is motivating me even more. For me it will be the first time telling someone IRL, too. She's studying at the other end of Germany and I don't really know when I'm gonna see her again. But I'll let you know how it went as soon as I did it 😁
Thanks for sharing!
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Post by kyliestarz on Aug 11, 2020 21:36:19 GMT -5
Glad to hear it went well! This is encouraging to me. I've been really wanting to tell one of my closest friends lately. I keep feeling like "ok, I'm doing this today!" and then I chicken out. I recently told her there were some things I want to tell her about my recent dating life when we meet up again in a couple weeks. So now I've set myself up for it and there's no backing out because she'll hound me to death if I don't spill the beans! That’s what I did when I came out to my close friend. I didn’t have the courage to directly bring it up, and knew I never would, so I steered the conversation to fetishes one night, and I said I had something like a fetish, and it was really intense...knowing that once I said that, she would NEVER not let me tell her. After that it basically forced me to spill the beans. She kept guessing things, and actually got to amputees after about a hundred tries, which was kinda fun. Anyway, I’m really glad I did it and doing it that way really helped. |
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Post by Amee on Aug 12, 2020 5:27:33 GMT -5
Congrats rebeckers84!!! I'm so happy to hear that! I've (very) recently felt closer to telling my closest friend, too. I have a feeling it won't be long now, just need a good opportunity |
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Post by blueskye101 on Aug 14, 2020 23:10:55 GMT -5
Still in the closet mostly. My ex husband knows a little but didn’t tell him til many years after marriage ended. He actually didn’t think it was a big deal though was pretty surprised since we were married 32 years and he never knew. I think my youngest has some inklings Because has seen my choice in books and movies but just teased me. I didn’t go further with that conversation. Pretty awkward with a son and his moms sexual desires. Lol
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Post by ContingentlyComposite on Sept 29, 2020 13:31:27 GMT -5
I finally shared about being a dev to one of my closest friends this past weekend after sharing with a couple less important people for practice!  She reacted well, and we talked about it at length. It's clear she thinks it is quite strange though.
While I'm glad that I've moved away from viewing being a dev as something to keep secret, something I would absolutely never tell share with anyone, I'm a little sad that it's become viscerally apparent to me that even though people might not deem me some kind of pervert or morally depraved person for being a dev, it will probably still make most people kind of uncomfortable if I talk much about it, or the devvy things I find exciting.
A day or two after I shared about being a dev, I tried talking to my friend about my boyfriend getting a new power chair, and it was clear she thought it was really weird that I would find that exciting. And when I told her I was writing up some advice for a PWD about a dating app profile while we were lounging around, she shared with me that she would never date a wheelchair user, in a way that kind of caught me off guard and disheartened me. I understand her attitude in an abstract sort of way, in the sense that there are people in the world I just really don't find attractive, but the way she said it made me feel like the thought of finding PWD attractive was bizarre, unimaginable, slightly freakish to her. I mean I'm sure she would never come out and say that explicitly, but it seemed evident in that moment, and it was quite alienating and sad for me to to experience that from her directly, though I could have predicted her attitude in advance.
I really did not anticipate that sharing about being a dev and hearing the attitudes about PWDs of friends would effect me in this way, although maybe I should have.
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Post by mona on Sept 29, 2020 15:12:42 GMT -5
ContingentlyComposite, I feel you! And that's what many here have written about their "coming out". In many cases, our friends just don't get it. And in some we discover that they are actually kind of narrow-minded when it comes to PWD. Nevertheless, it's great that you told her and maybe you can enlarge her horizon a little bit. Or she needs some time to process it and rethink her attitude. I hope you feel - all in all - less emotionally isolated.
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She reacted well, and we talked about it at length. It's clear she thinks it is quite strange though. 