Devs Only- I DID IT! I told my bestie!!

[Deleted]

@contingentlycomposite I  think it’s great that you’ve become comfortable enough with your attraction to be able to mention it to a friend, don’t be disheartened by the reaction though. I’ve never felt able to share that part of me, mostly because the overwhelming reaction to me dating a pwd was pretty negative from most people. It showed me that a lot of people are still nervous about anything they don’t understand, the fact that your friend was mostly positive is a definite plus. The more that devs share then hopefully the less odd people will think us. I wish I had been more open before I started dating my partner as now I feel if I make a point of being open then it would affect the way people look at him as well as me, and that’s not my story to share.

[mona]

@delight, I don't understand how you mean that: "I wish I had been more open before I started dating my partner as now I feel if I make a point of being open then it would affect the way people look at him as well as me, and that’s not my story to share."

What would be the problem if you told a good friend now that the disability of your partner is actually something that makes him even more attractive to you? And not a coincidence?

[lilly]

Thank you for sharing your experience ContingentlyComposite. I am far from being to the point where I’m ready to tell anyone in my life, however, I worry about exactly what you described. It’s not just the initial reaction, it’s the way everyone gets on afterwards. No decent person close to you would say to your face “I find that strange and off putting”. But just like you described you can read through the conversation to see how someone truly feels. I remember telling my friends and family that I was dating a paraplegic. They were all ok with it, but I could tell that people still didn’t understand. And I sensed a sort of relief from certain people when we didn’t work out.

I know that we can all say we don’t care about what others think, and our true friends and family will accept us for how we are. But that’s just not reality, at least not for me. It’s not just the close people in my life, it’s the next layers of people that will eventually find out. I worry I’m my professional career that if people discovered that I was a dev it could impact me very negatively.

The other factor maybe others could weigh in on, is the way people will perceive my significant other and our relationship. I’d hate for my significant other to feel uncomfortable because the people in my life know I “sexualize his disability”. I would feel guilty on their behalf if that made them feel bad.

And please take it easy on me haha, I’m still in the guilt and shame phase. I know there’s nothing wrong with how we are, it’s still just hard to accept sometimes. Unfortunately I also do put some value into what others think of me to some extent.

[Deleted]

Sept 30, 2020 12:39:46 GMT -5 mona said:

@delight , I don't understand how you mean that: "I wish I had been more open before I started dating my partner as now I feel if I make a point of being open then it would affect the way people look at him as well as me, and that’s not my story to share."

What would be the problem if you told a good friend now that the disability of your partner is actually something that makes him even more attractive to you? And not a coincidence?

I think it’s because in general people assume that for a dev the disability is everything, obviously we know that’s not the case but I don’t want someone to assume that his disability is the reason we are together. It’s a big part, but on its own it nowhere near enough without compatibility etc. Our relationship isn’t perfect, it has ups and downs but he is truly a very special man and there are 100 reasons for being with him. He already feels like people only see the disability and don’t consider his personality or achievements. I may be wrong but  If I was honest about my attraction as a dev then an assumption might be made that is unfair to him and something he feels very strongly against.
Im not sure that I explained that very well but hopefully you get the idea ?

[mona]

@delight, yes I understand now. And I think you are right. The problem is that most people don't comprehend the complexity of the attraction and reduce it to one side. It took me several times to explain it to one person who actually knows me really well and who usually is highly able to understand abstract, multifaceted concepts.

It is a bit sad but I also believe it is better to keep it to oneself (and your partner) - and enjoy in silence.

[lisa]

I hope I'm not derailing this thread in any way. But I felt that my question somehow fits into this whole thing about telling friends about the devness.

I've told a few people in my life about being a dev. Not very many and I still choose very carefully who I tell about it. And up until now it never happened (at least not to my knowledge) that someone blabbed about it to someone else. So I always had a (probably false) sense of security. I only told people I knew were tolerant and easy-going and probably totally okay with it. Recently it happened that someone told other people about my devness (people who I don't know or maybe have seen once or twice). It didn't happen in a negative way at all, quite the opposite. Actually, I think it's what we need: disabled guys telling the world about how great devs are. But still, I have mixed feelings. Do you ever fear that something bad will come out of it? Intolerance and its consequences like homophobia, just about devs? I mean, there are already lots of people out there who hate us... I wouldn't want the mob to be in front of my house ;-).

Also: I have the same experience. Friends never get it. They might be sympathetic and stuff, but most of them are just not very interested or the whole topic is too far away from their own lives.

[mona]

lisa, I don't think something bad will come out of it - but I live in one of the most liberal, diverse cities of the world with a vibrant fetish scene and all kind of different people. If I lived in a small town, it would be another story.

Nevertheless, it's not okay that someone tells other people about your love orientation or whatever we want to call it. It should always be you who decides who may know. And it should be you who puts your devness in words and noone else.

It also happened to me recently that one of the four people in my life who know has told it another person. So I guess we have to be aware that it does happen.

[ContingentlyComposite]

Thanks for your words mona, @delight, and lilly --It's nice knowing people out there can relate!

All in all I am definitely glad I told her. I think it's just that I got caught up in the relief of finally telling her and having it go well that I just briefly had the notion that I could in general keep sharing my dev-related experiences and feelings with her, and it sucks to realize that's probably not going to be the case. It's especially disappointing because in general we are so open with each other about everything in our lives, including all kinds of desires, feelings, and thoughts that are taboo or otherwise things I most people keep to themselves. I am really hoping that in time she'll warm up a bit to the idea of PWD as romantic/sexual partners. (I think some part of it for her is that she herself has a (almost fetish-like?) sexual interest in being physically overpowered by a man, and so in her mind PWD are at odds with her strongest sexual desires. Not that you couldn't have a dom/sub kind of thing with a PWD, of course, or in fact be physically overpowered by a PWD.)

I think finally sharing this has definitely helped dislodge shame/discomfort with my dev side that I didn't fully recognize, or excused as just self-protection in light of the fact that it's not something people are going to "get." I really thought that I was 100 percent happy to never tell anyone about it until I joined PD this year. And I think I was actually okay with it, and I would be fine if I continued on the way I had. But I think a big part of the reason I was so okay with it is that I had really compartmentalized. I would indulge my inner dev when I wanted to escape and comfort myself with romantic fantasies, or when I wanted some, er, private sexual release, and then just totally put it out of my mind at all other times. It was genuinely not part of my self narrative or my self-conception much at all. Sharing it with people feels like a commitment to not roping off my dev side, letting it be a part of me. For now that feels like a good thing, a step towards more self-acceptance.

lilly and delight, I totally feel you on not wanting to share because of how it will impact how others see your partner or relationship. My boyfriend's sister and best friend know that I am a dev, and I really kind of hate that. They seem very understanding about it, but at the same time I really worry about people wrongly assuming that's the main reason we're together, or that he could only get a girl with some kind of "disability fetish." And it's not just the worry that people will think it's the driving force of my attraction to him when of course, like with any other relationship, it's mostly a function of the fact that I like his personality/character and we have fun together and make each other laugh. It's also the worry that people will think my dev feelings about his disability are what make him physically attractive to me, that I wouldn't find him physically attractive apart from that. I want people to understand that I'm physically attracted to him in same way I feel attracted to AB people. His disability just adds bonus sexiness for me. I feel like that potential (and I fear, very likely) misunderstanding will bolster the BS ableist attitudes about PWD as attractive romantic and sexual partners, and the idea that I might contribute to that problem in any way is literally nauseating to me.

[ContingentlyComposite]

Oct 1, 2020 6:39:18 GMT -5 lisa said:

I hope I'm not derailing this thread in any way. But I felt that my question somehow fits into this whole thing about telling friends about the devness.

I've told a few people in my life about being a dev. Not very many and I still choose very carefully who I tell about it. And up until now it never happened (at least not to my knowledge) that someone blabbed about it to someone else. So I always had a (probably false) sense of security. I only told people I knew were tolerant and easy-going and probably totally okay with it. Recently it happened that someone told other people about my devness (people who I don't know or maybe have seen once or twice). It didn't happen in a negative way at all, quite the opposite. Actually, I think it's what we need: disabled guys telling the world about how great devs are. But still, I have mixed feelings. Do you ever fear that something bad will come out of it? Intolerance and its consequences like homophobia, just about devs? I mean, there are already lots of people out there who hate us... I wouldn't want the mob to be in front of my house ;-).

Also: I have the same experience. Friends never get it. They might be sympathetic and stuff, but most of them are just not very interested or the whole topic is too far away from their own lives.

Yeah, I think the fear that someone I've told will tell other people about it is a really big part of the fear of telling people I'm a dev! I mean for the most part as long as they are gossiping about it in a way that's positive, I don't care, and maybe it's a good thing. But my profession is very small and people really know each other. I would be mortified if my colleagues knew this about me, if for no other reason than it is a private sexual thing that they probably just won't understand. But my even greater fear is that my students would know this about me and it would undermine their respect for me, or be some distraction that would negatively impact the classroom environment. Then there's my more irrational fear that creeps in sometimes: the fear that everyone would find out, and there would be some big backlash, and people would call for me to resign because I'm some pervert who shouldn't be allowed to work with young people.

[Amee]

Oct 1, 2020 11:25:10 GMT -5 ContingentlyComposite said:

Oct 1, 2020 6:39:18 GMT -5 lisa said:

I hope I'm not derailing this thread in any way. But I felt that my question somehow fits into this whole thing about telling friends about the devness.

I've told a few people in my life about being a dev. Not very many and I still choose very carefully who I tell about it. And up until now it never happened (at least not to my knowledge) that someone blabbed about it to someone else. So I always had a (probably false) sense of security. I only told people I knew were tolerant and easy-going and probably totally okay with it. Recently it happened that someone told other people about my devness (people who I don't know or maybe have seen once or twice). It didn't happen in a negative way at all, quite the opposite. Actually, I think it's what we need: disabled guys telling the world about how great devs are. But still, I have mixed feelings. Do you ever fear that something bad will come out of it? Intolerance and its consequences like homophobia, just about devs? I mean, there are already lots of people out there who hate us... I wouldn't want the mob to be in front of my house ;-).

Also: I have the same experience. Friends never get it. They might be sympathetic and stuff, but most of them are just not very interested or the whole topic is too far away from their own lives.

Yeah, I think the fear that someone I've told will tell other people about it is a really big part of the fear of telling people I'm a dev! I mean for the most part as long as they are gossiping about it in a way that's positive, I don't care, and maybe it's a good thing. But my profession is very small and people really know each other. I would be mortified if my colleagues knew this about me, if for no other reason than it is a private sexual thing that they probably just won't understand. But my even greater fear is that my students would know this about me and it would undermine their respect for me, or be some distraction that would negatively impact the classroom environment. Then there's my more irrational fear that creeps in sometimes: the fear that everyone would find out, and there would be some big backlash, and people would call for me to resign because I'm some pervert who shouldn't be allowed to work with young people.

Completely relate to this! It's the reason I don't want to tell anyone except really close friends, who I trust completely.

I have a relatively sensitive job, where damage to my reputation could be seen as a serious problem. I think that in reality it's probably ridiculous to worry about it, but it does cross my mind every now and again. Mostly when I daydream about one day becoming as brave as rebeckers84 and showing my face to the world in the dev PR campaign That's something my employer might actually not be too thrilled about. Although, who knows? Maybe even that is just in my head...

Apart from that I don't really worry about something bad coming out of it. But as ContingentlyComposite said, it's something very private which I wouldn't want people who know me to hear about from others. 

[lisa]

Thank you for your replies, ladies! I would be really curious about what rebeckers84 can tell. Did people recognize her who didn't know about the devness before?

I had kind of a moment like this a few weeks ago. There is this article about devs for which I got interviewed and it is part of the online section of a pretty big German newspaper. The article was published more than half a year ago. When someone learned about me being a dev recently, she immediately thought of this article that she had read about the topic. And probably was surprised to learn that it was about me (I used another name there, so she couldn't have guessed from the name). It's the first time something like this happened and... I have to get used to the thought. The article seems to be pretty popular, it was on the home page of the newspaper again yesterday. Crazy.

[rebeckers84]

I had 3 people on IG reach out snd ask me if I did the podcast. They were guys I’ve followed and interacted with for years now and were quite honestly surprised I was a dev. They were like you’ve never come off as the dev vibe in our interactions! To which I replied, point proven!! 😂😂 but other than that, no one has mentioned anything else. Lots of messages on here but I posted about it and sent people to go watch/listen so kinda no surprises.

I don’t know if anyone from like my “real life” other than my friends I’ve told will ever stumble upon it. I guess I’ll cross that bridge when I get there. But thankfully I’ve had such great experiences telling my few friends and on the podcast I’m kinda like meh whatever it’ll be fine no matter what.

With that said though, I can certainly understand the feelings you all have and still feeling like you need you be private about. I’m not discounting those at all. I was totally there just a few short months ago. So don’t beat yourself up. You gotta take this at whatever speed/pace you deem works for you!! No ones else matters. You can’t compare yourself to anyone else. Do what is best for you (always!!!)

<3

[ContingentlyComposite]

I’m really curious about what this “dev vibe” is, and how I can avoid exuding it. 😂

[rebeckers84]

Oct 2, 2020 12:12:44 GMT -5 ContingentlyComposite said:

I’m really curious about what this “dev vibe” is, and how I can avoid exuding it. 😂

Hahaha for real!!!!  
I think maybe just the super creeps. Like constantly asking inappropriate questions, asking to send pics and videos and crap like that.  I can honestly say I have never asked anyone for that kinda stuff. I just wanna see people living their normal everyday lives and get to know people! 

[manicpixiememegirl]

Oct 2, 2020 12:12:44 GMT -5 ContingentlyComposite said:

I’m really curious about what this “dev vibe” is, and how I can avoid exuding it. 😂

Same, I live in fear that people can just tell