20 Years

[Celeste]

I'm not sure about everyone else, but staying home has made me much more introspective. I had this thought tonight. My very first childhood dev memory was sometime in September 2000. Whether that moment changed the course of my life or I was destined to be a dev all along... I've been a dev for 20 years!? That's a long time! Not only that, but this message board has been there for me for over a decade (whether I was posting or just reading). I am so grateful to everyone for sharing their experiences throughout the years. This site has been so important to me.

If you're comfortable sharing, how long have you all been devs? How long have you been self-aware?

[devogirl]

Aw, you're welcome! You've made some great contributions yourself with your website and survey, all very much appreciated. I was sorry when you took it down. I'm hoping we see more from you in the future.

To answer your question, I have always been aware of being a dev, it was one of my first conscious thoughts when I was about 4 years old. I didn't have a word for it but I knew what I liked. In terms of learning the word devotee, and figuring out that it was just another form of attraction that other people shared, and not just some weird thing about me, that happened in my mid 20s. So I guess it's been a bit over 20 years since I started to identify as a dev and act on it.

[Jcat1024]

I think since I was 10-11 or so. Two things happened that year that stood out to me.
1. My sister did some weird thing and one of the two male dolls we had lost part of his leg and after that that doll was my favorite. Had a little wheelchair from a doll hospital set and it fit him perfectly. Pink chair with yellow wheels, haha.
2. Had my first disabled classmate in my class. We hungout a lot at school and were friends. Later that year I realized he was a jerk so we stopped talking.

At the time I had no idea what devs were and being at such a young age I just thought it wasn't anything extraordinary. Then a few years later the movie Avatar came out and at 13-14 I knew. I was disgusted with myself and pushed it into the back of my head until I got to college before I accepted it.

[ContingentlyComposite]

Like devogirl , I remember being interested in PWDs since I was around 4. I always wanted to pretend some of my toys were PWDs and all that, and it was a crucial part of any vaguely romantic story line. Of course, it wasn't really a sexual thing when I was that little-- I didn't even know I had three holes instead of two. I think I became more clearly aware of my romantic/sexual attraction in high school. I came across the term devotee around my freshman year of college, and in a way I knew I was a dev, but I also saw that many devs (mostly the men) were creepy and understandably perceived as creepy by PWDs. I wanted no part, told myself I wasn't like those people at all. And I wasn't, in terms of behavior anyway. I didn't really feel comfortable thinking of myself as a dev until I found PD earlier this year.

[Slinxter]

I don't remember a particular event or time, but I do remember my neighbor friend getting annoyed that I managed to make every pretend play include one of us as an amputee.

Edit: after more marinating on this, I do remember an event. I think I was 4 or so, and an amputee woman was getting into the public pool we were at. I was literally fascinated, I felt bewitched. 

[Inkdevil]

Never had any early childhood dev moments, but had my first realisation that I found disabled dudes attractive at 16/17 when Born on the Fourth of July came out. Yes I am that old.

Felt ashamed and confused by how I felt, so buried any conscious thoughts deep and carried on with normal life for the next 25 years. Got married to an AB. Had two kids.

Then a couple of things happened by chance. A friend recommended her mechanic to me for my broken car - and he turned out to be a para! We became good friends - and still are. Then I stumbled across PD after typing ‘disabled romance’ into my Kindle and discovering ruthmadison books. That’s when the dev aware version of myself was born.

The following six years have been a whirlwind. I’m no longer with my ex husband and I’m three years into dating my para boyfriend, after a couple of other unsuccessful PWD relationships. I never would’ve thought any of this was possible - and indeed it wouldn’t have been without PD and my very understanding, patient and accepting para friend. I’m so thankful for this place and for meeting the right person at the right time, who helped me find the courage to turn my fantasies into reality.

[lilly]

I totally agree with you! I’m forever thankful to all of the devs on PD that have contributed so much enlightening information over the years. Being able to explore different perspectives and experiences has truly changed my life.

I’ve spent a lot of time recently trying to track down my earliest dev memories and I believe I’ve found mine. I was a big reader as a kid and I remember when I was about 9, reading a book about a boy that went blind. I obsessed over his character, I would think about him all the time, imagining what his life was like and being able to vividly picture the way he described his world. I don’t remember ever being obsessed with a character or book like that in my childhood.

It wasn’t until my 20’s that it developed into more than just intense curiosity. It’s been 4 years since I discovered devotees and I’ve spent almost all of that time in denial and trying to bury it deep down. I think we all know how well that actually works though, haha.

[devogirl]

lilly what book was it? I had so many books dev obsession books as a kid 😁

[Celeste]

Oct 6, 2020 2:00:55 GMT -5 devogirl said:

Aw, you're welcome! You've made some great contributions yourself with your website and survey, all very much appreciated. I was sorry when you took it down. I'm hoping we see more from you in the future.

To answer your question, I have always been aware of being a dev, it was one of my first conscious thoughts when I was about 4 years old. I didn't have a word for it but I knew what I liked. In terms of learning the word devotee, and figuring out that it was just another form of attraction that other people shared, and not just some weird thing about me, that happened in my mid 20s. So I guess it's been a bit over 20 years since I started to identify as a dev and act on it.

Thank you! I'll be around. Life gets busy, but I really enjoy posting here and seeing how everyone is doing. 

The web service that I used (Webs) takes sites down if the admin doesn't log in for a certain number of days. Good news: that is very easily fixed by simply logging in. Here it is, forever stuck in 2012: devoteen.webs.com/index.htm However, my biggest mistake was choosing a bad message board host... it doesn't exist anymore and the conversations are probably all deleted. I still keep in touch with my trusty global moderator, Captain Evil, and one other person from the forum. I really wish that I had a chance to save the forum contents, though.

[lilly]

devogirl I’m glad I’m not the only one haha. The premise was that he went blind from looking at the sun during an eclipse or something of that sort. It came out in the late 90’s!

[Celeste]

Oct 6, 2020 11:37:47 GMT -5 Slinxter said:

I don't remember a particular event or time,but I do remember my neighbor friend getting annoyed that I managed to make every pretend play include one of us as an amputee.

My pretend play often revolved around casts and having broken bones. I usually didn't play like that with my friends, though. I remember trying to hide it, which is strange because I think it is pretty normal for kids to play doctor or patient. Deep down, I knew that something was up lol.

[shadow]

I was also always aware of my devness, and I’m in my mid forties, so I guess I’ve known for 40 years. I kept a secret for so long, but finally started feeling okay with it about 10 years ago. I just can’t imagine what it would have been like if I had internet at a young age. Learning that there were other people with the same attraction as mine changed almost everything for me when it came to the guilt/shame I had previously felt.

[devogirl]

Celeste thanks for sharing the link! I guess the problem with hosting a teen site is that pretty soon you age out of it and there need to be younger people to take it over. Also kids have migrated to other platforms. I don't see membership requests from underage kids nearly as often anymore, probably because they are all on other sites. It's really just luck that Proboards is still around after all this time. I don't know of any way to archive the posts here either--it's a problem!

lilly I thought I had a pretty good mental database of YA books with blind guy characters but that one doesn't ring a bell for me. When I was a young teen I read the book See You Thursday over and over again, wishing so hard it was me, haha. It's a really old one and I haven't read it since then, not sure how it would hold up now. Some other dev teen faves: The Blind Knight, and If You Could See What I Hear. I re-read those dozens of times.

I also did a lot of pretend play as a kid. I had two friends, a boy and a girl, who loved to play devvy games with me. We would pretend the boy was injured in various ways and take care of him. We were young teens so it definitely had a sexual element--they were both super into it too, it wasn't just me. I often wonder about them!

[myrrh]

lilly you're not thinking of Tangerine, are you? The character became visually impaired and they called him Eclipse Boy, but he wasn't fully blind.

[Emma]

Great topic Celeste. It’s good to see you here again and thanks for sharing the link. I remember that from years ago.

I have been aware of being a Dev since 2000, I was 18 and in my senior year of college. I was just learning to use the internet then and a TV show prompted my first devy internet research. I found a lot more than what I was expecting and not only realized I was a Dev but that there were others like me. As a kid I was always a Dev and have several spotty memories of books, movies and experiences. I actually think I remember the book about the boy going blind from looking at an eclipse. I remember having some real concerns about my vision whenever there was an eclipse. Many of the other kids book obsessions involved casts. I have a bunch of books from my childhood to read with my kids now and it’s crazy how certain pages hold a special place in my memory.