any other devs feel like unlovable freaks?

[Deleted]

Hi all, recently realizing i'm a dev has complicated my identity. I most likely have autism, BPD, and a slew of other mental issues that have stunted my social and psychological development. I have never been in a long term relationship and I have always felt like a freak. Being a dev exacerbates that insecure feeling of unworthiness. i look 'normal' and able-bodied on the outside, but on the inside I struggle a lot and I feel like people just don't see me for who I am because I mask so much.

I feel like an outsider looking in to a magical world of love and friendship that I can't touch or be part of. I have a lot of trauma surrounding relationships and a part of me is shut off to others for good. I'm going to therapy right now and working through my issues right now, but I feel like a weirdo. I've never been in love before and I feel like a late bloomer. I thought it would be different by now but it's not.

Sorry, it's kind of a trauma dumpy post but I wish that it was easier for me. I recently gave a para man my number (who made me realize I'm a dev, whoops) and I came on a bit too strong from the get go, which came off as desperate, and I wanted something that he couldn't give me. He wanted casual, I wanted to jump in immediately. So he stopped texting me and I respect and know why he did but it still sucks. I'm 22 and I feel so unwanted by pretty much everyone. 

Does any one else relate? I feel so alone in this and I hope no one else feels this way by themselves. 

[Eliza]

I’m 21 and to me being devotee complicated my relation with sexuality, I’ve never felt atractted to any guy around me when I was young and that made think that I was gay and that I wasn’t pretty enough to to be in a relationship with someone
So comparing yourself to the others its not a good thing for your mental health. You're not a freak or weird and certainly being devotee make us feel a little bit insecure.

[ayla]

Oct 7, 2021 19:21:35 GMT -5 Eliza said:

being devotee complicated my relation with sexuality, I’ve never felt atractted to any guy around me when I was young and that made think that I was gay

I totally relate to this, I always had tepid feelings of attraction to AB guys so I knew “something was off” — but I also never met a girl that excited me either. I had just about written myself off as asexual when a pwd came along and cleared up the mystery.

Yet another reason for more disability representation in media and especially sexualized representation…but I digress.

To the OP, I understand what you’re feeling and I hope being here among your fellow devs gives you some comfort.

[koala]

There's nothing wrong with being a "late bloomer". There is no timeline for finding love and no rule about how many relationships is the right amount. I didn't have my first relationship until I was 20, and I was OK with that. I have also only ever dated two men...and married both (not at the same time lol). You don't have to have a lot of relationships to be successful in love. All it takes is ONE, and that right one will come along at the right time. No one is unlovable. It just takes some of us a little longer to find our perfect fit. You just need to focus on being confident and loving yourself (your whole self), so you'll be ready and able to make that first relationship a healthy and enjoyable one.

I know being a dev can complicate things, but it is a beautifully unique trait that brings with it a lot of positives. I fully believe it is a big reason why I didn't date in high school and why my first marriage to an AB man wasn't successful. I also believe it's why my second marriage to a PWD was so incredibly amazing. There are so many things I learned along the way... to embrace and value every part of me (even the parts I didn't like or understand)... to recognize and respect what I truly want in a relationship... to be patient and find joy in life regardless of my circumstances... to love myself exactly as I am and accept nothing less than the same from my partner. Ultimately, those realizations lead me to my perfect match and absolute soul mate, which made it all so worth it. Had I not learned to embrace my whole self, I don't think we would have ended up together because those were the pieces of me that he loved and appreciated the most.

Maybe right now you are just in a period of self discovery and acceptance, and that is a beautiful thing that will lead to a beautiful result.

[Eliza]

Oct 7, 2021 22:08:57 GMT -5 ayla said:

Oct 7, 2021 19:21:35 GMT -5 Eliza said:

being devotee complicated my relation with sexuality, I’ve never felt atractted to any guy around me when I was young and that made think that I was gay

I totally relate to this, I always had tepid feelings of attraction to AB guys so I knew “something was off” — but I also never met a girl that excited me either. I had just about written myself off as asexual when a pwd came along and cleared up the mystery.

Yet another reason for more disability representation in media and especially sexualized representation…but I digress.

To the OP, I understand what you’re feeling and I hope being here among your fellow devs gives you some comfort.

I agree that there should be more representations of PWD in the media.

[hjfundus]

I feel you. I'm 23 and I have never been in a relationship - to be honest I don't feel a particular urge to be. I sometimes wonder what part of my sexuality is the case of this (if at all there is one) I have at one point or another thought I was gay, straight, bi and asexual, so that's been a journey of self discovery to say the least. I also wonder if the shame surrounding attraction to disability has had something to do with it. Who knows?
Don't think of yourself as a freak. (Or do, if that gives you power - because a lot of people out there are into 'freaks')! But seriously, don't put yourself down. ♥

[Deleted]

Oct 7, 2021 22:11:51 GMT -5 koala said:

There's nothing wrong with being a "late bloomer". There is no timeline for finding love and no rule about how many relationships is the right amount. I didn't have my first relationship until I was 20, and I was OK with that. I have also only ever dated two men...and married both (not at the same time lol). You don't have to have a lot of relationships to be successful in love. All it takes is ONE, and that right one will come along at the right time. No one is unlovable. It just takes some of us a little longer to find our perfect fit. You just need to focus on being confident and loving yourself (your whole self), so you'll be ready and able to make that first relationship a healthy and enjoyable one.

I know being a dev can complicate things, but it is a beautifully unique trait that brings with it a lot of positives. I fully believe it is a big reason why I didn't date in high school and why my first marriage to an AB man wasn't successful. I also believe it's why my second marriage to a PWD was so incredibly amazing. There are so many things I learned along the way... to embrace and value every part of me (even the parts I didn't like or understand)... to recognize and respect what I truly want in a relationship... to be patient and find joy in life regardless of my circumstances... to love myself exactly as I am and accept nothing less than the same from my partner. Ultimately, those realizations lead me to my perfect match and absolute soul mate, which made it all so worth it. Had I not learned to embrace my whole self, I don't think we would have ended up together because those were the pieces of me that he loved and appreciated the most.

Maybe right now you are just in a period of self discovery and acceptance, and that is a beautiful thing that will lead to a beautiful result.

Thank you so much, this is so sweet and affirming. <3 How did you and your disabled husband meet? That's so sweet :3 

I look forward everyday to what my self-discovery journey reveals to me 

[Deleted]

Oct 7, 2021 22:08:57 GMT -5 ayla said:

Oct 7, 2021 19:21:35 GMT -5 Eliza said:

being devotee complicated my relation with sexuality, I’ve never felt atractted to any guy around me when I was young and that made think that I was gay

I totally relate to this, I always had tepid feelings of attraction to AB guys so I knew “something was off” — but I also never met a girl that excited me either. I had just about written myself off as asexual when a pwd came along and cleared up the mystery.

Yet another reason for more disability representation in media and especially sexualized representation…but I digress.

To the OP, I understand what you’re feeling and I hope being here among your fellow devs gives you some comfort.

I've never really been truly attracted to AB men. I've had crushes on AB men, sure, but it was fleeting and didn't go anywhere really. I'm bi so I've experienced attraction across the board pretty much, but of the men I've been super attracted to (which are very few), they were either neurodivergent, a PWD, and/or non-normative in some way. 

I admire Andrew Gurza for that reason. He's a queer disabled man who has definitely broken down some of the stigma around sexuality and disability! <3

[Deleted]

Oct 9, 2021 13:52:47 GMT -5 hjfundus said:

I feel you. I'm 23 and I have never been in a relationship - to be honest I don't feel a particular urge to be. I sometimes wonder what part of my sexuality is the case of this (if at all there is one) I have at one point or another thought I was gay, straight, bi and asexual, so that's been a journey of self discovery to say the least. I also wonder if the shame surrounding attraction to disability has had something to do with it. Who knows?
Don't think of yourself as a freak. (Or do, if that gives you power - because a lot of people out there are into 'freaks')! But seriously, don't put yourself down. ♥

I'm so glad I'm not alone LOL! I identify as bi at the moment, but I've wondered if I'm demi, lesbian, etc too. I have a lot of sexual shame swirling around in my psyche in general, mostly due to religious trauma. 

Aww thank you! You're so sweet <3

[koala]

Oct 10, 2021 22:15:15 GMT -5 @paracrush9 said:

Thank you so much, this is so sweet and affirming. <3 How did you and your disabled husband meet? That's so sweet :3 

I look forward everyday to what my self-discovery journey reveals to me 

We met online (Plenty of Fish of all the unlikely places). I had been on some of the paid sites with no luck, so I decided to just give up and join a free one more as a joke. I saw his profile almost immediately, and it just spoke to me. I wasn't looking for a wheeler, specifically, and didn't even know about his disability until later, so it ended up being a happy and unexpected little surprise. Somehow I just knew he was the one for me. I messaged him, and he replied right back with one of the sweetest messages ever...and that was it, we were hooked.

[hjfundus]

Oct 10, 2021 22:19:14 GMT -5 @paracrush9 said:

I'm so glad I'm not alone LOL! I identify as bi at the moment, but I've wondered if I'm demi, lesbian, etc too. I have a lot of sexual shame swirling around in my psyche in general, mostly due to religious trauma. 

Aww thank you! You're so sweet <3

Yeah that religious trauma is a bitch...I hope you overcome it.

[Eliza]

Oct 10, 2021 22:48:48 GMT -5 koala said:

Oct 10, 2021 22:15:15 GMT -5 @paracrush9 said:

Thank you so much, this is so sweet and affirming. <3 How did you and your disabled husband meet? That's so sweet :3 

I look forward everyday to what my self-discovery journey reveals to me 

We met online (Plenty of Fish of all the unlikely places). I had been on some of the paid sites with no luck, so I decided to just give up and join a free one more as a joke. I saw his profile almost immediately, and it just spoke to me. I wasn't looking for a wheeler, specifically, and didn't even know about his disability until later, so it ended up being a happy and unexpected little surprise. Somehow I just knew he was the one for me. I messaged him, and he replied right back with one of the sweetest messages ever...and that was it, we were hooked.

Thanks for sharing your love story I loved it. Does your husband knows about your dev feelings?

[Deleted]

Oct 10, 2021 22:48:48 GMT -5 koala said:

Oct 10, 2021 22:15:15 GMT -5 @paracrush9 said:

Thank you so much, this is so sweet and affirming. <3 How did you and your disabled husband meet? That's so sweet :3 

I look forward everyday to what my self-discovery journey reveals to me 

We met online (Plenty of Fish of all the unlikely places). I had been on some of the paid sites with no luck, so I decided to just give up and join a free one more as a joke. I saw his profile almost immediately, and it just spoke to me. I wasn't looking for a wheeler, specifically, and didn't even know about his disability until later, so it ended up being a happy and unexpected little surprise. Somehow I just knew he was the one for me. I messaged him, and he replied right back with one of the sweetest messages ever...and that was it, we were hooked.

Aww, that's the type of gushy story that makes me jealous LOL! 

[Deleted]

Oct 11, 2021 5:40:08 GMT -5 hjfundus said:

Oct 10, 2021 22:19:14 GMT -5 @paracrush9 said:

I'm so glad I'm not alone LOL! I identify as bi at the moment, but I've wondered if I'm demi, lesbian, etc too. I have a lot of sexual shame swirling around in my psyche in general, mostly due to religious trauma. 

Aww thank you! You're so sweet <3

Yeah that religious trauma is a bitch...I hope you overcome it.

It really is. I want to have sexual relationships and I am a sensualist for sure but I tend to settle for people who don't have my best interests in mind because they'll at least fulfill my impulsive sexual desires. I struggle to regulate and monitor my sexuality in a healthy, safe way because of it. Working through it still for sure!

[koala]

Oct 11, 2021 10:59:21 GMT -5 Eliza said:

Thanks for sharing your love story I loved it. Does your husband knows about your dev feelings?

You're so welcome. I'm really glad you enjoyed hearing it because I absolutely love telling it 😊

I'll keep my response very focused here so as not to hijack this thread since there's already another one about revealing your devness to others. Unfortunately, I never was brave enough to tell him about that aspect of myself. He literally knew me inside and out...except for that. I was afraid that it would somehow change the dynamic of our relationship or cause him to question my motives. Instead, I just showed him my devness in subtle ways like telling him he had sexy legs, or commenting on how hot he looked in his wheelchair whenever he would give it an upgrade or a fancy new paint job.

Devness has most certainly complicated my relationships in so many ways. I hated keeping that secret from him, and I hate the fact that he never got to know the 100% real me.