|
Post by devogirl on Jul 10, 2014 22:03:11 GMT -5
Thanks for sharing. This seems completely obvious to me--you need to end this relationship NOW. End the engagement, move out, and stop talking to him, at least in the short term. Go see that para and be your true self.
While it is possible for a dev to have a happy relationship with an AB guy, I don't see that at all in anything you've written. When I made the decision to marry my AB husband, I felt sexually attracted to him and confident in our future together, and I still feel that way. I didn't have zero desire for him or foresee inevitable divorce. That is not the foundation for a healthy relationship, and you know it.
This relationship is making you miserable, and all the reasons you give for staying with him are flimsy excuses based in fear: he's the only one who's so nice to you, he paid for your therapy, you signed a lease, etc etc. Are you really going to throw away the next 20 years of your life for a dog? There is always someone else, ALWAYS. In fact, you've already met someone else.
Stop making excuses and trying to spare his feelings. The longer this drags on, the worse it will be, for both of you. That scary discussion was the truth, and you can't ignore it. The way things were was based on a lie that will never make you happy. Break up now and don't look back. In a year, you will smack yourself on the forehead and wonder why it took you so long to get out.
|
|
|
Post by Emma on Jul 11, 2014 0:02:56 GMT -5
I just read your update but didn't read anyone else's responses so it didn't cloud my initial reaction. My gut says to take a break from your fiancee. It seems like you have too many unanswered questions and like you said, if you get married you could end up unhappy and divorced at 40. I'm not sure where you two stand with the marriage leads to kids thing but that makes things 1000 times more complicated.
I understand the feeling of not even knowing where to begin with untangling your lives. Maybe taking a break from each other and starting small - not moving out but living in separate rooms may be a start. I'm sure there are other little things you can start with. I was in a 6+ year relationship with an AB guy and things like that seemed like reasons to stay together but ultimately we were a really bad match and figured out how to break up. It was one of the best decisions of my life despite how daunting it was initially. Take a break, be alone for a bit and then go visit your para and see how you feel and what happens from there.
|
|
|
Post by Maurine on Jul 11, 2014 4:36:29 GMT -5
If you fit together so well on every level apart from the sexual one, would you be opposed to living together but both having sex with someone else?
If not, you should really really end the relationship. Even if you're happy with him half of the time, you don't want to be troubled during the rest of the time. You only live once. I'd go for sexual fulfilment. Isn't he frustrated, too, having a partner who is not attracted to him? Why does he clinge so tightly? He must be emotionally attached to you very deeply. Although this is very difficult for him, I also consider his behaviour immature and egoistic. He can't, won't and shouldn't change you to being sexually attracted to him. Maybe he looks at the good times you have and thinks the whole relationship could become like that. But it won't. Maybe he couldn't help crying but he should think about what that does to you. If he were rational and cared deeply about you, he would spare you with emotional outbursts like that and eventually accept that you can't be fully happy together. If you keep going on as before, you are both bound to get involved emotionally even more deeply and thus more conflicted. The longer you wait, the more difficult ending the relationship will be. Don't let him push you deeper into this relationship you know is bound to keep you troubled as long as it lasts.
Edit: I didn't read any of the other reactions to your update before writing the above either. Seems like we all pretty much agree, though.
|
|
|
Post by ruthmadison on Jul 15, 2014 9:28:58 GMT -5
*hugs*
So sorry you are dealing with this!
One thing that I noticed when reading A Practical Wedding (and the divorce diaries there too) is that if there is any doubt in you as you go into a wedding, the marriage is pretty much doomed.
I felt that too as I got married. As I walked down the aisle, it was such an intense feeling and I knew that if I had any tiny shred of doubt that I'd never be able to get through that ceremony.
Another thing I've observed in my life is that it's not worth hanging onto something because of fear of what you might lose. From everything you've said it really sounds like he and you are not right for each other and I know it's super painful to lay that out for him when he wants so badly to be the right person. But in the long run, it's not doing him any good to prolong this situation.
Good luck!
|
|
Juno
New Member
Posts: 38
Gender: Female
Dev Status: Devotee
Relationship Status: It's complicated
|
Post by Juno on Jul 15, 2014 14:58:02 GMT -5
...
|
|
melita
Full Member
RIP
Posts: 141
Gender: Female
Dev Status: Devotee
Relationship Status: Divorced
|
Post by melita on Jul 15, 2014 16:21:06 GMT -5
As I can see, nobody has an answer for you. Neither do I. You seem to be in a stalemate position. Whatever you do, you may regret it later. You never said anything about your sexual experiences with dis men. Have you had any? Are you sure your lack of chemistry with your fiance is not due to an "abusive relationship" (you mention something about that) before you met him? Or if not, think about what made you to passively accept the relationship with your fiance (as you said). Is it because you felt secure and safe? Because in my experience being with a DA man means constant struggle with prejudices, with family, friends, employer, everybody judging you. It's a hard fight and you have to have much more than sexual desire for the man. (At least this is how it is in my society.) Sorry, if I am confusing you more. I only wish you could think about all these things.
|
|
melita
Full Member
RIP
Posts: 141
Gender: Female
Dev Status: Devotee
Relationship Status: Divorced
|
Post by melita on Jul 16, 2014 2:34:11 GMT -5
I know you did, but I didn't understand you had a long relationship with one. Sorry. My intention was only to make you think about every aspect of your situation through. I really wouldn't like to be in your shoes! Be brave! I wish you all the best!
|
|
|
Post by AlrightyAphrodite on Jul 20, 2014 1:08:36 GMT -5
A gentle reminder, this is a devs only thread.
Oh, Juno, I do feel for you, I have great empathy for the awful place you must be in. I think we have all been, or in some place very near to there, though it seems this situation has devolved pretty far, resulting in your considerable agony. I am very sorry for the pain you must be in.
That said, I have never been one to mince words (part of my long-standing campaign on this board to win friends and influence people...) and what follows may seem harsh, but I have thought about and worked on this response for a long while, attempting to find some combination of words that might help extricate you from this mess, that might help you see what is pretty apparent to the rest of us. Honestly, from the way you talk about it, I think you know what you have to do, you just came here for us to help you rationalize what will be a very hard thing to carry out. Still, I hear the girls on this thread say it over and over, but you don't seem inclined to take that advice, probably because it's really uncomfortable.
In short, I agree with DG, I think you need to end this relationship, completely and RIGHT NOW. The longer you wait, the worse it will be for you and the more harm you do to him. At best, the relationship is a waste of both your precious time, I think it's actually totally toxic and destructive to you, especially.
You ended your last post with "small steps" because "the relationship isn't moving towards marriage" (whatever that means) but to me, it seems like you are in exactly the same place you were a year ago. You're not satisfied or happy, but you're still stuck.
Help me understand this: if the relationship isn't moving toward marriage, where is it going, exactly? Looks to me like nowhere, you just haven't found the courage to pull the trigger.
Also, I don't understand this: if, as you say, you are ONLY sexually attracted to disabled men, how did you end up in this relationship in the first place? Did you maybe not know that about yourself when it started? Or were you planning an open relationship? Or just planning to...not have satisfying sex the rest of your life?
There are many devs who are certain they can only have great sex with disabled guys. I used to think I was one of those devs until I had amazing sex with an AB. It was partly just his incredible skill, there was a physiological element, but it also totally changed the story I told myself about what turned me on. Since then, I've had a lot more great sex with AB guys. I do think a huge part of sex is between the ears, for women especially. If you do intend to stay in this relationship, which I don't recommend, I think you're going to have to find something physical to love about this guy. A lot of long term relationships involve compromise, no relationship is perfect, and sometimes (not always)you can find yourself attracted to things you weren't before in a different context. If you do stay, which you seem intent on doing, I think you will have to flip your mental script about sex with this guy, or,as is so often the case, you invite the very thing you fear: misery and inevitable messy divorce.
Still, you can't avoid the mess. As I said, I don't think you should stay. In your shoes I'd be running for the door, because it seems to me, as Maurine mentioned, that this guy is emotionally manipulating you, and doing a damn fine job. I think that may be the reason you ended up here in the first place, because he made you feel responsible for his ridiculous emotional reaction if you tried to leave, even though you're miserable. His reaction is not your problem, dear, but you seem to have swallowed that Kool Aid completely. This is what seems to me so toxic, you say yourself you're afraid of his reaction if you leave. That's actually a hallmark of abusive, controlling behavior. And I'm sorry...a night's worth of vomiting? I'm sure he made certain you'd witness all of that. I don't think you're the only one performing, Juno. I know you're going to bristle when I describe the guy you love in such a sinister way, but here's how it looks to me. You make a decision, set a boundary he doesn't like. He throws what amounts to a tantrum, you capitulate. You say he's sweet and tolerant and more accepting of you than any man has ever been; I think you desperately need to raise your standards. He knows you're miserable, and instead of being willing to have an adult conversation about what it's going to take to fix that, he's content to entrap you forever, provided you don't make him too uncomfortable. Where's his self respect, that he's even willing to consider marriage to a woman who, with an overwhelming sense of obligation, only tolerates him sexually (how romantic...)? For God's sake, Juno, where is yours?
That's what really blows my mind. You won't marry the guy, but you'll string him along, prop up his false hope, live with him, share his dog, continue to entangle yourself, until...what? What are you waiting for? How does this situation ever improve? Divine intervention? Until you've both fucked each other up so bad, the damage is irreversible? How is that kind, or loving, to either of you?
You say you don't know how to separate your lives, and it will be hard, so in my mind, there's only one choice. I totally disagree with Emma, you can't live with this guy unless you want more of what you've already got. Ovary up, pull the trigger, pack your shit, leave the dog, and go. Leave no room for him to hope. Totally over. You can't be friends with some exes, it's too dangerous. He's going to lose his frosting when you go, and the temptation to buckle will be overwhelming, so you need to be totally absent. Change your number, delete and block his Facebook, tell your friends they are not to pass messages between you. If you're hot para is in another state or country, that's a great time to go. Surround yourself with friends and love, come on here, vent, cry, but steel your resolve, and know that in the end, you will both be ok (seperately...), you just have to get through the initial hurt.
You can't let another year go by this way, Juno, I implore you. Life is too precious and too short. You must make a decision, either stay and find a way to be happy, or gather your courage, stop listening to your fear and go get what you really want. But how can you find the love you really desire and deserve if you continue to waste your days in needless pain ?
Be brave, follow your heart. I wish you courage, and peace, and faith, and great love, wherever you find it.
Warmly yours, Aphrodite
P.S. This is what happens when you ask strangers on the internet for advice...
|
|
|
Post by siouxwin on Jul 20, 2014 4:39:36 GMT -5
I have an answer, do what your heart tells you to do. Simple as that.
|
|
|
Post by ruthmadison on Jul 21, 2014 8:01:46 GMT -5
As I can see, nobody has an answer for you. Neither do I. You seem to be in a stalemate position. Whatever you do, you may regret it later. You never said anything about your sexual experiences with dis men. Have you had any? Are you sure your lack of chemistry with your fiance is not due to an "abusive relationship" (you mention something about that) before you met him? Or if not, think about what made you to passively accept the relationship with your fiance (as you said). Is it because you felt secure and safe? Because in my experience being with a DA man means constant struggle with prejudices, with family, friends, employer, everybody judging you. It's a hard fight and you have to have much more than sexual desire for the man. (At least this is how it is in my society.) Sorry, if I am confusing you more. I only wish you could think about all these things. And the fact is, she may not end up with a disabled man still but even so if she's not enthusiastic to marry this man it just doesn't sound like the right relationship. (Of course being outside of it, I can't know that. Just what it sounds like). I broke up with a great AB guy a few years ago and I couldn't put my finger on what was wrong. Everything seemed good with the relationship and he was really nice and a sweet guy. Yet it just didn't quite feel right to me. I assumed it was because I needed to be with a disabled guy (I had had previous relationships with disabled guys too). So we broke up. I spent almost a year single just trying to recenter myself and learn to be happy with me. I dated some disabled guys after that. Still nothing was quite clicking. Then I met the man I married. An able-bodied guy! Shocked the hec out of me, but it couldn't have felt more right. So you never know who the future has in store for you, but you can know that there's something not quite right about the relationship you're in and it's not worth trying to force it to be right when it's not. In my opinion, anyway! Everyone was stunned when I broke up with that guy. They couldn't figure out what was the matter and I couldn't explain it. Yet, when I found the right relationship it was so obvious, so clear, so simple.
|
|
Juno
New Member
Posts: 38
Gender: Female
Dev Status: Devotee
Relationship Status: It's complicated
|
Post by Juno on Jul 21, 2014 8:08:40 GMT -5
...
|
|
|
Post by devogirl on Jul 21, 2014 9:11:48 GMT -5
He's still manipulating you. "This is for you not me" is a big ol' guilt trip. You know that a few weeks of sleeping around is not going to fix this relationship. Everything AA said above is 100% true.
Yes, a good relationship is hard to find, and should not be thrown away lightly. But this is NOT A GOOD relationship, according to everything you have posted here. You are not sexually attracted to him. You are certain marriage to him would end in divorce. You are already halfway out the door with this other para guy. Sex is not an insignificant reason to end a relationship. It is a MAJOR reason many relationships fail, not just devs, but all kinds of people. Sexual incompatibility is nothing to be ashamed of or deny. It is just a fact of life that must be accepted.
You know what you need to do: take this time while he is away to find an apartment and move all your stuff out. It will be much easier now than when he is around. When he gets back, calmly and kindly explain that this is best for both of you. Then cut all ties, as AA said. Don't get suckered into co-parenting the dog, or other social excuses to keep seeing each other. Agree to radio silence, at least for a limited time (6 months, 1 year) if it makes it easier.
|
|
|
Post by eva on Jul 21, 2014 9:47:50 GMT -5
I know this is not PC, but I'm french and this is a big part of our culture (actually, it happens everywhere in the world and all the time, but we're much more open about it). Go for it. Try. Go meet your wheeler and see what happens (be honest, so nobody gets hurt). If you feel guilty, your bf just gave you a free pass. See what happens, because you don’t know. Anything can happen, and you may be surprised. You did mention you were with wheelers before : sex must’ve been great, but then why are you not together anymore ? Is it enough to cement a relationship ? Sometimes we just can’t have everything, and it’s especially true when it comes to relationships. Juno, if you are so hesitant to leave him, there must be some other reasons than just the lease or the dog, yes ? Being a dev is overwhelming at times and very often you have to adjust your sexual desire with what you have (not the best, I know). It would be interesting to see what devs who have been with PWDs and who are now with ABs think about the sexual aspect of their RS. Not that it would make you less frustrated, but maybe it would give you another perspective.
DG, what if the guy is just really in love and would do anything to stay together ? I agree about the rest regarding what Juno said, but she's obviously not 100% sure, otherwise wouldn't it already be over ?
|
|
Deleted
Deleted Member
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on Jul 21, 2014 16:36:23 GMT -5
He's still manipulating you. "This is for you not me" is a big ol' guilt trip. You know that a few weeks of sleeping around is not going to fix this relationship. Everything AA said above is 100% true. Yes, a good relationship is hard to find, and should not be thrown away lightly. But this is NOT A GOOD relationship, according to everything you have posted here. You are not sexually attracted to him. You are certain marriage to him would end in divorce. You are already halfway out the door with this other para guy. Sex is not an insignificant reason to end a relationship. It is a MAJOR reason many relationships fail, not just devs, but all kinds of people. Sexual incompatibility is nothing to be ashamed of or deny. It is just a fact of life that must be accepted. You know what you need to do: take this time while he is away to find an apartment and move all your stuff out. It will be much easier now than when he is around. When he gets back, calmly and kindly explain that this is best for both of you. Then cut all ties, as AA said. Don't get suckered into co-parenting the dog, or other social excuses to keep seeing each other. Agree to radio silence, at least for a limited time (6 months, 1 year) if it makes it easier. I totally agree with everything you said devogirl.
Juno - I was reading through this thread and have come to the conclusion that, in my humble opinion, your fiancé is a chump!! Sorry for being blunt about it but how can any self-respecting man be with a woman who doesn't want to have sex with him, doesn't find him attractive, etc. etc. It seems like you two have talked very openly about the things you are unhappy/unsatisfied with in the relationship, so he obviously knows that you would rather look elsewhere for sex, intimacy, whatever....yet, why is he still trying to keep the relationship together?!! Where the hell are his balls? If someone was to flat out reject me like that, the last thing I would do is go crawling back and try to make something work that is going to shit.
Of course, I don't know the ins and outs of your situation, only what you've disclosed in this thread...and I realize there's your fiancé's side of the story too, but based on what you've said, it seems like you need to get out of this messed up relationship and focus on yourself for a bit. Maybe you need some time to do you! be single for a bit and figure out what you really want.
I don't know about you...but I personally find it super unattractive when a guy has no backbone. Your fiancé really needs to grow a pair.
|
|
Juno
New Member
Posts: 38
Gender: Female
Dev Status: Devotee
Relationship Status: It's complicated
|
Post by Juno on Jul 22, 2014 0:32:58 GMT -5
...
|
|