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Post by Emma on Aug 7, 2014 23:52:56 GMT -5
Oh wow I'm also so happy for you. I remember that time, the being unable to eator sleep. SO SO SO exciting! Enjoy it.
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Post by didi on Aug 8, 2014 5:13:41 GMT -5
Yay! I am so happy for you. Hope this guy turns out to be just as nice and loving in real life! But try to keep your hormones together. Meeting that wheeler will probably make you feel extra ... let's just say "horny" Just don't do anything you would regret later *my tiny little bit of advice - and now have fun getting to know this guy*
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Juno
New Member
Posts: 38
Gender: Female
Dev Status: Devotee
Relationship Status: It's complicated
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Post by Juno on Aug 8, 2014 15:06:09 GMT -5
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whisperingpines
Junior Member
Posts: 84
Gender: Female
Dev Status: Devotee
Relationship Status: Single
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Post by whisperingpines on Aug 12, 2014 9:34:11 GMT -5
Soooo... How did it go?? Are you back home yet?
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Juno
New Member
Posts: 38
Gender: Female
Dev Status: Devotee
Relationship Status: It's complicated
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Post by Juno on Aug 19, 2014 16:17:08 GMT -5
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Deleted
Deleted Member
Posts: 0
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Post by Deleted on Aug 19, 2014 18:43:16 GMT -5
Omg I'm so happy for you!! That relationship sounded so toxic and I'm glad you found the courage to do you Would you consider starting a serious relationship with the para you met up with? Ending an engagement can be difficult, but hey...at least you came to the realization that it wouldn't work out before getting married. Divorces are even more messy!
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Juno
New Member
Posts: 38
Gender: Female
Dev Status: Devotee
Relationship Status: It's complicated
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Post by Juno on Aug 19, 2014 19:40:39 GMT -5
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Juno
New Member
Posts: 38
Gender: Female
Dev Status: Devotee
Relationship Status: It's complicated
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Post by Juno on Aug 21, 2014 0:42:53 GMT -5
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Post by vegmama on Aug 21, 2014 2:35:11 GMT -5
Oh Juno...I am so sorry that you are going through all of this. I truly hope your fiancé makes a quick recovery, how awful! I feel like you and I are going through this extremely difficult journey simultaneously, yet together. I know everything you are feeling...the guilt, the frustration, the sadness, the pain. And just last week I too had wished for the first time that I wasn't a dev. If it wasn't for being a dev, I could keep the life I had built with my wonderful and loving husband, I wouldn't be destroying ours and my young son's lives, I could be happy with the life I already have. But the fact is, I AM a dev. I can't wish or pray it away. I don't know if you believe in God, but I keep reminding myself that God made me this way for a reason. All I can tell you is to be strong. You will have horrible days, and you will have okay days. As incredibly hard as it is to let go, I'm gaining the life I have always been meant to live. To be true to myself, to have a complete life...and I'm allowing my husband the chance to find complete happiness too. We all deserve that, you, your fiancé, my husband and I...we deserve the chance for whole happiness. Hang in there...I'm here if you need to talk. xoxo
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Post by eva on Aug 21, 2014 5:57:40 GMT -5
Juno, this is devastating, but you have to keep your motives in mind. You are a dev who doesn't like AB sex and it seems important enough that you want to leave what seems, in your own words, a great relationship. I don't believe things happen by chance (this is going to sound mean) but some people can go to great extents to keep someone close. Unless he's unconsciously trying to paralyze himself, and that's not good. You say that "ending the engagement will be a long, painful process", but it doesn't have to be, especially considering the circumstances : if he starts to harm himself, it may be best to accelerate the break-up.
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Post by devogirl on Aug 21, 2014 7:39:02 GMT -5
That is terrible. He is clearly not in a position at the moment to think or act rationally. However, guilt is not the foundation of a healthy relationship. Neither is pity. Eventually you will hate and resent him for trapping you in an unfulfilling relationship.
It's not your fault you are a dev, and you can't change that or wish it away. If you were gay, would you feel as bad for ending the relationship "just" because he doesn't have a vagina? Or would you be quicker to realize this is just the way you are?
Breaking up will be painful no matter what, but the longer you drag it out, the more painful it will be. You only hurt him more by delaying. I say this as someone who was frequently in his position, begging the other person to stay, willing to do whatever it took to stay together, totally convinced that person was the only one for me. It was never worth it. With hindsight, I now wish those relationships had ended even sooner than they did.
All this is quite overwhelming, though. Another few sessions with that therapist could help you a lot.
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Post by Ath on Aug 21, 2014 12:56:03 GMT -5
=/ hugs!
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Juno
New Member
Posts: 38
Gender: Female
Dev Status: Devotee
Relationship Status: It's complicated
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Post by Juno on Aug 26, 2014 13:22:43 GMT -5
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Post by Dee Dee on Aug 26, 2014 14:11:06 GMT -5
I was not intending to have the kind of conversation we had last night this close to when he was injured, but my fiancé (who is now home out of the hospital) pushed the subject, and everything came out. We had another terrible conversation about our relationship that lasted until 4am and was rife with weeping, desperation, and frustration/anger/helplessness. Exactly the same thing as a month and a half ago; I can't do all of this again. He is now somehow utterly convinced that a healthy sexual relationship doesn't have to be part of our equation to happiness. That it doesn't matter because of all the other good things, and the sex is trivial in comparison, petty. I know he didn't always feel this way, but over time he's obviously been determined to believe that we could overcome our sexual incompatibility by compromise. But the compromise is much easier for him when all he has to do is have less sex than he wants. It's different for me, though. It's more emotionally taxing to regularly put myself in sexual situations that I have no desire to be a part of, desperately wanting/needing something else. This is all especially hard to deal with because neither of us reacts in anger to each other, it's just crushing sadness. He talked more about having thoughts of hurting himself so he can be what I want, and I shut that shit down hard and told him not only that he needed therapeutic guidance for those kind of feelings, but there would be absolutely zero chance that we would ever somehow be together if he did actually harm himself. I'm trying to schedule us an appointment with the sex therapist I went to so we can talk all of this over together with her, but he doesn't see the point. I know he would go if I insisted, though, and I'll gladly foot the bill. A huge part of me really wants to believe that this will all somehow be more clear if there's another party involved that supports the fact that our abysmal sex life actually IS a reasonable, non-selfish deal breaker. It's horrible that in his mind this is me leaving him, when all I want is a mutual understanding that this isn't a healthy situation and wanting to live a sexually fulfilled and satisfying life isn't a trifle. It is hard giving advice when you are in a situation as difficult as this, Juno, but I would strongly recommend that you insist going to the therapist with him. You clearly need the (neutral) opinion of someone else to get the situation sorted. To me it sounds as if you are more and more determined to end the relationship after you met with the para in another country. In the beginning of your thread you sounded less sure, but you seem more determined now ... At the same time, I must say that I also feel for your fiancé. The situation is equally difficult for both of you
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greenbean
Full Member
That's not me, just a chick with a pigeon poopin on her head.
Posts: 219
Gender: Female
Dev Status: Devotee
Relationship Status: In a relationship
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Post by greenbean on Aug 26, 2014 18:48:10 GMT -5
Oh man, this is so tough. I mean, I agree with everyone saying you guys should part ways (and I think you agree as well?) but I can totally sympathize, empathize, catastrophize, whatever with you over how hard it will be to let go. I do this thing where I always push back talking about the important stuff for some reason or another- we're going on a trip and I don't want to ruin it, a family member is going through a hard time and I don't want to make things about me, i think that if I just give it another 3 months things will smooth themselves out... but things never get better this way. That situation with his accident is intense, but don't let it stop you from doing what you need to do.
And as I type this I feel like a huge hypocrite, because I am incapable of taking my own advice, but I hope you fare well and do whatever makes you happiest long term!
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