(Devs Only) Dev's pet peeves

[tabby]

I was just looking at the general site and I liked the Disability Pet Peeve and I have a couple of Dev Pet Peeves....


1.  I am very open at work about my attractions and am very over trying to explain it and just let it lie there now.  But yesterday i was chatting to someone who didn't get my sense of humour.  Basically she was finding holes in everything I do and say.  I said that I could turn round and she that their jokes about me liking who I like can be offensive (that will be point 2) and she said race and sexuality is off the humour table because people don't choose to be gay or black etc.  I pointed out that I didn't choose to be a Dev.  To which she said that she had brain wave and got it now.  That I had chosen to be a Dev because I am insecure and being married to a pwd means they won't cheat on me or leave me!  I was a bit shocked to say the least as I still do have those worries and shocked at how narrow minded she was about pwd and their lifestyles.  And when I explained that no it is something I was born liking she just did a nodding 'yeah, right'.  So it annoys me that non Dev need to understand it when there isn't really anything to label or understand it just is.

2. I was once working away and the above girl said urgently to come to the atrium with her as there was something there I'd like.  I was confused and followed her thinking it was going to be a bake sale or second hand book stand but no.... it was a amputee society.  She had dragged me right up to their stand before my brain caught up and I was flabbergasted at her WTF.  After that experience I have kept it pretty much private as they don't understand quite obviously.

3.  I think I was witness to a 'bad' dev the other day.  It was evening and me and hubby were out to walk the dogs and were waiting at the entrance to the park for his sister.  The woman marched over with her two dogs and started talking to him about intimate things, like tolieting things and stuff.  She said that it was ok as she worked in a day centre so she had a better understanding than most and could laugh and joke with pwd when others would be shocked.  TBH I was a bit shocked.  I noticed several attempts to find out what was wrong with hubby, who, lol, avoided the hints.  When I contributed to the conversation I was pretty much blanked.  She may have just been as mad as a bag of frogs or have been a really uncool dev.

Anyway I just wanted a home for pet dev peeves has anyone else been subjected to the ignorant? 

[Maurine]

Good topic, tabby!

What a stupid bitch! I'm not as open about my devness as you, most of my friends and acquaintances don't know. If anyone ever said anything like that, I could show them photos of my bf with his ex. He had several gfs in the past, who were all pretty in a conventional way, one even was extremely hot. People are sometimes surprised about that and wonder how he "does" that. I know that he has left gfs in the past and that he could cheat on me. I couldn't prove to them that I've been a dev all my life. People are often disbelieving when I tell them how far back my memory reaches.
I really, really hate your first point. I generally hate people who overanalyse everyone's personality and search for a reason for everything one does that is a bit different from the norm.

As most people only know I'm with a wheeler but not the reason why, I'm more likely to be told that I'm "brave", "admirable", "tough" or "great". Usually they are people who don't know my bf, but it feels all the worse if I get such a comment from a friend of his who should know better.
Many people have very wrong conceptions of what a relationship with a wheeler is like. I elaborated on that in my thread about prejudice against DA/AB relationships on the General Board.

I hate when people assume that I'm my bf's sister or attendant or when they're surprised that I'm his gf.
I was once asked by a complete stranger if I was my bf's sister. When I told him I was his gf, he exclaimed "he's got such a pretty girlfriend?" That man looked really unattractive and unhygienic and probably is unsuccessful with women, so he was frustrated that a wheeler was more successful at dating than him.
Once, I was told by a woman we had never seen before that I was a "great girlfriend". She probably assumed that I had been with him since before his accident. I should have said something like "actually I'm only using him because he's so good at sex" or at least "he is a great boyfriend", but I was too flabbergasted to respond properly.

I once saw a thread about devoteism on a board unrelated to devness or disability. The first post was by someone who had just found out that there were people who were attracted to amputees, and he or she was disgusted at both devs and amputation. Most replies were similar. The worst said something like "That's so disgusting! How can you like something so horrible?! But on the other hand, maybe it's nice for those poor people who are missing limbs to have someone who likes them."

There's someone who knows that I'm a dev, but doesn't get it at all. He assumed I must enjoy visiting old people's homes because of all the wheelchairs. I'm not really angry about that, I rather think it is funny, because it is so ridiculous.

There are two people who took my devness for a kind of sadism. I was very shy about telling other people about my devness back then and didn't explain it properly, so it wasn't entirely their fault.

I hate the misconception that devs objectify wheelers. Why should devs care less about character traits than other people?
Actually it's funny. Those who know we're with a wheeler but don't know about our devness might say we're "not shallow" or "not superficial". If they knew about our devness, they'd consider us all the more shallow. In some people's minds we can't be anywhere in between.

[kat]

Jul 19, 2014 7:08:44 GMT -5 Maurine said:

There's someone who knows that I'm a dev, but doesn't get it at all. He assumed I must enjoy visiting old people's homes because of all the wheelchairs. I'm not really angry about that, I rather think it is funny, because it is so ridiculous.
...
I hate the misconception that devs objectify wheelers. Why should devs care less about character traits than other people?

These are my top two annoying misconceptions. When you tell someone you're a dev, their first thoughts seem to be 1) that you're attracted to EVERYONE in a wheelchair (this reminds me of how some homophobic straight dudes assume gay guys are attracted to EVERY man) and subsequently 2) that your attraction is to the wheelchair itself, like the person in it doesn't even matter.

[kivic]

We feel we need to hide behind avatars for fear of social repercussions or someone we know might see our pic on the board and make judgments.

[Juno]

Jul 19, 2014 8:52:58 GMT -5 kat said:

Jul 19, 2014 7:08:44 GMT -5 Maurine said:

There's someone who knows that I'm a dev, but doesn't get it at all. He assumed I must enjoy visiting old people's homes because of all the wheelchairs. I'm not really angry about that, I rather think it is funny, because it is so ridiculous.
...
I hate the misconception that devs objectify wheelers. Why should devs care less about character traits than other people?

These are my top two annoying misconceptions. When you tell someone you're a dev, their first thoughts seem to be 1) that you're attracted to EVERYONE in a wheelchair (this reminds me of how some homophobic straight dudes assume gay guys are attracted to EVERY man) and subsequently 2) that your attraction is to the wheelchair itself, like the person in it doesn't even matter.

This so much. I stopped discussing my sexuality with friends after it became clear they weren't ever going to get it. It's so frustrating for them to not understand that despite the chair (the style of which I'm particular about in itself), the guy has to be handsome, intelligent, funny, talented, etc. My standards aren't lowered just because a guy is in a wheelchair, and it was horrifying to see the kind of men my friends would point out in the past as "potential lovers." After telling people, it makes encountering any sort of wheelchair or disability in real life/movies super awkward because you know the person you're with is thinking you must be attracted to that when there is a 99.9% chance that I am not. I can count on one hand the amount of dis guys I've seen in real life over the years and have been attracted to. 

[eva]

Tabby, I think the girl you’re talking about is just mean. She seems like a very prejudiced person, and they are usually not very intelligent. Which in her case is a sure thing, considering what she says about your relationship with your bf. Besides, she got it wrong : reading the comments on this board, one can easily tell that devs are overall quite self-confident (which makes life easier when you’re in an uncommon relationship). I know she was talking about jealousy, but since it stems from being insecure, it’s linked.

I never told anybody I was a dev, not because of shame, but because I think it’s nobody’s business and, of course, because very, very few people can understand. We can’t even explain it ourselves  Besides, I think that as long as they will consider pwds as minor deities , we will be considered some kind of perverts.

3. I don’t know if she was a bad dev (probably) but she is undoubtedly very rude. Just because she works in a day center, she’s entitled to speak about intimate things with a man she just met who’s walking the dogs with his gf ??!!!

I’ve never had anybody tell me I was some sort of angel when I was with my bf. I think I had open-minded friends  I did hear a few things like "why is she with him?" that came from other boys, but they were jealous, so it doesn’t really count. Overall, people were pretty respectful. Except my mother, but nothing new there.

[Inigo Montoya]

Jul 19, 2014 12:12:28 GMT -5 kivic said:

We feel we need to hide behind avatars for fear of social repercussions or someone we know might see our pic on the board and make judgments.

I obviously can't speak for others, but I hide behind an avatar because being physically disabled doesn't necessarily kill the crazy in a guy.

It turned out that the first guy I met here was certifiably off his bean. His bipolarity began to frighten me. He would send emails demanding naked pics, etc. and I began to see him as very unstable.

I've also seen some really over the top reactions from guys that I've pissed off on the board. So that keeps me hidden. Because I've had times that I was afraid some dude would hunt me down with the express intent to cause me trouble.

I've not been as safe here as I should be in that regard. There's enough info for someone determined to find me, but as one of the ones who is very reluctant to post a pic, in spite of being very open I'll with my friends, that's why I don't show my face.

The Crazy can be strong here.

[AlrightyAphrodite]

Totally agree with that, I am not ashamed of being a dev, and most people close in my life know...You can only bring home so many boyfriends in chairs before it's kind of apparent. I don't talk about it with co workers or random people, not because I'm a ashamed (not) but because I don't talk to those people about my sex life...

I don't post pics here because this place has more than it's fair share of folks for whom the cheese hath slid off the cracker, as Inigo put it, just because he's disabled doesn't mean he's not crazy.

[kivic]

Accordingly, our dev experiences differ both on and off the board, but apart from the "crazy" disabled guys who lurk or actively pursue something that is not reciprocated, I am simply talking about the "paranoia" associated with divulging you are a dev and not living as a dev IRL and the possibility of the two crossing paths. If someone I knew was to approach me after seeing my picture on PD, I am not ashamed of being a dev either; however, I don't live openly as a dev (except with my AB spouse).

[Inigo Montoya]

Sorry for the hijack.

[devogirl]

No, this is an important point. There has been a lot of photo sharing here lately. If you want to share, go ahead, but everyone should be aware of the risks--photos are very easily traceable. Whether or not you choose to share a photo here is not a measure of how ok you are with your devness. There are lots of good reasons not to share a photo, and it doesn't mean you are ashamed of yourself or in the dev closet. So for those of you feeling social pressure to share a photo, please know that you don't have to.

Back to the OP, my close friends were all very understanding and mostly avoided the stupid comments. Some even scouted hot PWDs for me, haha. But I did get a lot of irritating comments from more casual acquaintances, including the pop psychology Tabby describes: "Oh, you only chase after those guys because you're insecure or think you're not attractive" etc. I hate those comments SO MUCH because unlike the other stupid comments, it's very hard to argue with--the more you protest that there's nothing wrong with you, the more the other person is convinced that you're delusional. It's so insulting. The less well a person knows you the more they seem to feel entitled to make these kinds of snap judgments about your character.

[Ath]

I have similar experiences.

But, I'm not as convinced as you are that the insecurity is not part of why I'm a dev. I don't mind if he gets the attention because then it's not on me.

[Peony]

So unlike a lot of you, I chose to not be open about my devness outside of this board. So...

1. That combined with just even really being a dev sometimes makes my mind feel a little more daedalian than I'd prefer.
2. I'm all about the ebb and flow of things, but jaysus, sometimes the cycles just irritate me with their fickleness and intensity!
3. Sometimes there's just this low lying feeling of Incongruence and frustration...not very often, but no less pronounced.

Interesting question though...and people are so ridiculous for those of you who have had dis partners!

[nas]

Like Peony, I'm not really out as a dev. I'm sure if I had a disabled partner all those comments would drive me insane, but instead my biggest issue is when the topic of disabilities somehow comes up and I want to argue with those people but I just can't. We had a topic around here about that, but it's especially hard when it's sort of just mentioned in the conversation.

For example, my friend's father was recently in a very serious car accident, but walked away pretty much unharmed. So my friend was on the phone with his dad and the father was complaining how the car is completely wrecked and probably can't be fixed, but even if it could be fixed it wouldn't be the same car as it once was etc. The friend was pissed off to hear that and he said "Oh quit whining, you could have been killed or worse, paralyzed!". I mean REALLY?! All I could think was "You idiot, of course you would want you father alive, even if he was paralyzed, atop saying shit like that!" The conversation quickly moved away from that so I didn't say anything in the end, bleh.

[melita]

Jul 21, 2014 11:20:34 GMT -5 nas said:

"Oh quit whining, you could have been killed or worse, paralyzed!". 

Is it the first time you hear such a line? It IS a line, I've heard it so many times here where I live.