|
Post by Emma on Dec 22, 2015 1:31:01 GMT -5
Although I think I'm still on a dev low, I'm craving the emotional side of my devness to be satisfied and that (sadly) is what seems to be lacking from my relationship. It's not even that I need him to be working through any emotional issues related to disability or anything like that. I just need him to have an emotional connection to me. To put all of himself into this relationship. To poke around inside my head and to find out what makes me tick. He doesn't do that and it makes me sad. Beyond sad. I feel broken by it after four plus months of pouring my heart and soul into 'us', I'm not feeling that any of my effort is being reciprocated. But he loves me apparently. I don't understand. Perhaps our versions of love are a lot different? Perhaps in order to feel happy, he doesn't actually need that much from me. All I know is, I need more. Way more. The physical side alone is nowhere near enough to push all my buttons. I need someone to be as into me as I am into them. I'm so low ladies, I'm hanging out the bottom of Santa's sack...and it's not a happy place to be. Oh boy, I hear ya. We love the well adjusted guys but they are not so into talking about all the emotional stuff. Sometimes I think the guys who get over their disability more easily are less attentive to their (and our) emotions relating to it. Also a lot of guys have a very different definition of love than we do. Personally I initiate the disability related conversations 90% of the time. That's ok with me. Once I get the conversation going it can at times flow really easily. I'm sorry you are feeling so low. If you want to compare notes I'm here. I think I may have a similar guy.
|
|
|
Post by kat on Dec 22, 2015 2:47:53 GMT -5
I'm sorry that it's not as happy as I was imagining it was, @inkdevil. I think that the different versions of love thing is pretty profound and I don't know have advice on adjusting or fixing that. I know what you mean, though. There's the Love Languages book. Having recognized the issue maybe that would help? Otherwise, I have no idea what to do. Hugs. I wish I could help. I second the 5 Love Languages thing. I haven't read the full book, but they also have an online test that you can take. I took it with a previous partner of mine and it was incredibly illuminating. People do expect different ways of showing love and affection in relationships, and understanding how your partner's way might be different can be helpful.
|
|
|
Post by Maurine on Dec 22, 2015 5:17:17 GMT -5
You raise an interesting point, Emma. Maybe my bf falls into that same category as your husband, and your boyfriend, @inkdevil, at least to some extent. When we got to know each other, he told be a lot about his disability and asked me questions about my devness, but when we were doing everyday stuff, these topics were rarely brought up. Although we were newly in love and very emotional in that regard, I sometimes had the impression that I did not know all of him. On the other hand, he is a very emotional person. People seek his advice when they have a problem. The time we spend talking about issues that come with life and being there for each other has increased. The emotional side of my devness feels more satisfied now than when we were newly in love. The issues he brings up are usually unrelated or, if anything, indirectly related to his disability (mostly it's related to other people and him worrying about them), but it doesn't matter to me (actually I'm glad he doesn't have the emotional issues because of his disability that some seem to have). I always appreciate when he shares something personal with me. It brings us closer together. I know him so much better now than I did two years ago. Maybe your boyfriend will open up over time. Maybe it just takes a while to get to know his emotional side better. I would still much rather be with an unemotional guy than a guy who has deep emotional issues or insecurities because of his disability or something else. I'd much rather be with someone who doesn't talk about disability unless it's relevant than someone who always brings it up as though it defined him, especially if he saw it as an entirely negative thing.
|
|
theodora
New Member
Posts: 18
Gender: Female
Dev Status: Devotee
Relationship Status: In a relationship
|
Post by theodora on Dec 22, 2015 6:30:24 GMT -5
I just need him to have an emotional connection to me. To put all of himself into this relationship. To poke around inside my head and to find out what makes me tick. He doesn't do that and it makes me sad. Beyond sad. Inkdevil, I too feel sorry for you! I think it’s quite characteristic of devs to have a very strong desire to connect deeply. And it’s not just that we want to explore our guy’s mind and soul, we also want him to do the same with ours. When I am in a relationship, I want the man – like you said “poke around in my head” in order to get a deeper understanding of me. I need him to give me the feeling that I am special to him and that he wants to know everything about me. My boyfriend (with whom I am for 7 years now) and I really explored each other in the first years of your relationship. It felt great BUT after that came a time in which I had to deal with the fact that there were no secrets left to uncover. I really miss the kick it gave me. All I can say is that you should probably give him some time but not too much as you shouldn’t feel lonely in a relationship. Maybe he is still too shy to poke around in your head? Maybe he thinks that it is inappropriate to ask you very personal questions? Maybe he is not used to this kind of connection as he has never experienced it before? Maybe he doesn’t even know how important this is to you?
|
|
|
Post by Celaena on Dec 22, 2015 19:54:20 GMT -5
But he loves me apparently. I don't understand. Perhaps our versions of love are a lot different? Perhaps in order to feel happy, he doesn't actually need that much from me. All I know is, I need more. Way more. The physical side alone is nowhere near enough to push all my buttons. I need someone to be as into me as I am into them. I'm so low ladies, I'm hanging out the bottom of Santa's sack...and it's not a happy place to be. So sorry, Inky! That is never any fun. James (husband) and I have gone through similar ups and downs in terms of me feeling like I need more emotional support. I ended up having a couple of breakdowns over it and seriously began questioning our relationship. Luckily, after many awkward conversations (since I hate talking about feelings), we worked through it. It was that his view was TOTALLY different. I was getting frustrated because he always seemed so distracted at home and was focusing on doing stuff around the house and not spending time together or trying to be spontaneous as a couple. He said that he was trying to focus on the house/practical things because he wanted to do that to help support ME as I finished my MFA. It seems so obvious now, but I was blind to that. I was thinking I needed more emotional support, but he was providing physical (labor) support to be emotionally supportive... if that makes any sense. Perhaps it is a similar situation with you guys? Your expectations of emotional connection might be very different from his expectations? It doesn't mean that one is wrong, but it might be less than what you need. Though it is so much easier to say than do, having that conversation might help provide clarity. Having those conversations with James were some of the most difficult conversations I've had to have, but it made things so much better and we now better understand each other. *shrug* I wish I could offer more help! Boys are silly! James is like a robot with his emotions... we often joke that we need to upgrade his hard drive to include the emotion chip. We're on version 3.0 now after those conversations last year! Maybe frame it that way... a nice segway into the serious part.
|
|
|
Post by Ath on Dec 22, 2015 22:42:28 GMT -5
Hugs!
|
|
Nova
New Member
Posts: 38
Gender: Female
Dev Status: Devotee
Relationship Status: It's complicated
|
Post by Nova on Dec 26, 2015 1:37:04 GMT -5
Just love this thread. Every post is really hitting me hard. Why PD always keeps me coming back! Where else can I find these types of mature conversations (on this topic, expecially)?!? Such a special community.
I am continually impressed with what an intelligent, empathetic, incisive group of ladies you are.
Whenever I have a "dev low," I do feel bored and sad...then depending on how long it lasts I start to ask myself, "Is the devness gone forever? Maybe it is!" I pick up a devvy movie or book, "just to see what might happen," and discover "nope, still there." My question is, when am I going to learn this is a permanent part of my psychological landscape and accept it? That it's not just going to go away, or get erased one day by accident? So frustrating that I can't see the lows for what they are. I feel like I work so hard towards self-acceptance but always fall short. Is it an ongoing process or...?? SO frustrated by my own feelings on this when I feel like I've come so far, and transcended so many prejudices, in this regard. My feelings betray me at both ends of the highs and lows.
|
|
Deleted
Deleted Member
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on Dec 28, 2015 15:35:50 GMT -5
I am trying to figure out if I ever have dev lows or not but I can't say that I have....I am always a dev though and I am trying to figure out if it is maybe just a hormonal thing for some. Instead of dev high or low, maybe it is just the cycle a woman is in. I am of course more horny a certain time of the month and then I am also more into the whole dev thing and feel more connected to it. Since I don't have RL experience I am in a constant "How would it be?" kind of flow. I will probably never know and so I just keep doing what I am doing. I don't seek out dev material more during a certain time of the month than any other time. I think for me personally it is always kind of there, I am always interested in disability stuff, always feel like writing on my stories, always enjoy reading books involving disabled characters but not in a crazy way but just as my normal every day life. I also do other non dev stuff just as much. If I just happen to see a nice looking wheeler which occurs every couple of light years it does throw me off in a crazy way but then it settles down again and I stay on a constant dev buzz but not too crazy but also not too low. I don't know if I am making any sense, I am at work and keeping my eyes on the computer at the same time I am writing here...
|
|
|
Post by lucretia on Dec 30, 2015 20:23:42 GMT -5
My sis and her fiance we driving home after a family function. He was quiet and frowning. She asked him what was wrong. He said nothing was. After some pressure he finally admitted he was pretty tired, "...and I kind of have to poop."
Pretty funny, but a lot of guys just don't emote the way we'd like them to.
However, they don't get a free pass. I need a guy who will dive deep with me, emotionally. Not everyone does. But if you need that, and he's not the type... Well, it's not fair for either of you.
Great sex is just one part of a sustainable relationship.
|
|
|
Post by Melina26 on Dec 31, 2015 18:40:02 GMT -5
Its very true what servdw said, I already feel more girlfriend than dev with him. But still on dev high when it comes to spotting pwd on the street...i like to see wheelers out, just realize they are out there, living, and I got my boy and we can go out too haha
|
|
|
Post by lucretia on Jan 1, 2016 17:18:12 GMT -5
I feel like I'm the opposite. My devness outside of my relationship is pretty non-existent. I rarely even notice wheelers in the wild, and I don't remember the last time I looked online for dev fiction or videos.
But INSIDE my relationship, I get all my dev buttons pushed. He lets me explore to my heart's content, physically as well as emotionally... and he does the same to me. Too much, sometimes. He's an athlete-turned-philosopher so I guess I get the best (and worst!) of both. He's strong and fit and has that athlete mentality, very masculine and mostly a "go after it" kind of guy. On the other hand, he's super pokey, emotionally, and always very interested in probing the inner working of every emotion I exhibit. LOL Sometimes I feel like the guy, saying, "Enough!".
I would say this: If you need something, really need it to feel secure and valued, then finding ways to justify why you aren't getting it doesn't do you, or the other person any favors.
I was single for six years after my divorce, and those years were spent here, talking to hundreds of guys (and devs, of course). I would be alone for longer still than go back into a relationship that left me wanting.
|
|
alvvays
New Member
Posts: 19
Gender: Female
Dev Status: Devotee
|
Post by alvvays on Jan 5, 2016 15:21:04 GMT -5
I'm super late to this post mainly because I've been gone. I personally enjoy my dev lows because it's nice not having to think about it. I actually left when I was on a super low but I think being in a relationship with a pwd had to do with that. I recently came back now because of being on a dev high but I want to contribute to some post having some experience irl as opposed to just fantasy. But like I said I'll pick a dev low over a dev high any day
|
|
alvvays
New Member
Posts: 19
Gender: Female
Dev Status: Devotee
|
Post by alvvays on Jan 5, 2016 21:57:32 GMT -5
I'm super late to this post mainly because I've been gone. I personally enjoy my dev lows because it's nice not having to think about it. I actually left when I was on a super low but I think being in a relationship with a pwd had to do with that. I recently came back now because of being on a dev high but I want to contribute to some post having some experience irl as opposed to just fantasy. But like I said I'll pick a dev low over a dev high any day I always say that too...when I'm in a dev high. But now that I'm in my first low in probably 2 years ( ), I kind of miss my high! Do I probably know who you are, alvvays? Have we met? Yessss you do know who I am We did meet! Lol
|
|
|
Post by Peony on Jan 6, 2016 7:04:35 GMT -5
Such great f**king thoughts and advice. And Inkdevil....I'm really sorry to hear thaat about you and your man...I thought it was going swimmingly My partner is AB, but dang, we joke about him being a robot and not having enough RAM where emotional stuff is concerned. I find it a difficult one, to be honest, as he's been my only proper relationship after a string of extended one night stands. Some days I think I'm justifying/defending his lack of an emotional inner world (hunger, tiredness, or yes, poo habits aside) to myself to minimise it, but others I'm fine with it, because he is an emotionally sensitive/intuitive person where others (me) are concerned, so in a lot of ways I don't actually feel neglected. Often it's on me anyway because I don't actually communicate how I feel a lot of the time. Also...this might sound odd, but apart from after sex or exercise, I am rarely sated with any kind of analysis or deep emotional discussion or thoughts (sometimes not so deep), and honestly, I've found it's almost only women who are on the same wavelength, or a few men who have all been about 20 years older than me...not things I need out of a relationship. But all of that is from a fantasy dev/dev virgin, so take that how you will (Also, total dev high atm! Always seems to happen around summer time for me.)
|
|
|
Post by strawberrybubblegum on Jan 6, 2016 9:52:50 GMT -5
On a high again, too. Which is really annoying right now as I'm going on a trip for 3 weeks, which means I won't be getting any during that time. Sniff sniff.
|
|