Unfulfilled Sexual Desires in Dating a PWD
Sept 8, 2016 4:36:02 GMT -5
spurs2000, Pony, and 2 more like this
Post by jalapeno on Sept 8, 2016 4:36:02 GMT -5
Hi all,
I'll try to make this short and concise but no promises.
Something has been bothering me for a long time. I'm a paralyzed male and I've spent a large portion of my life coming to terms with that. Things changed drastically for me when I started university and really tried to "find" myself (which may or may not have involved a dance with drugs) and eventually I settled into who I was. I accepted myself and my injury. I realized I am a person, like other people. I am me. When this realization set in, and I started being myself, and letting my personality shine and just being happy; I started to make friends, male and female, and before I knew it, I was dating. Sooner than later I was in "Serious" relationship(s) and I was able to confirm I am capable (and deserving) of being happy and being in a relationship.
So with all that aside; I am a man and there are certain things that automatically hurt my ego no matter how hard I try.
One such thing is that I will always have an under-tone of curiosity and doubt as to whether or not I am sexually pleasing my partner, enough to her satisfaction. I am not tooting my own horn; but I am familiar with the female anatomy. I've been told I work magic with my hands. I've brought women to (multiple) orgasms with my hands. And thankfully, having upperbody control means I have good hand/finger control and I put them to use. Furthermore, more often than not, if I click with a woman, I usually also enjoy her pheromones, and therefore I enjoy her scent and taste, and it makes cunnilingus an enjoyable (and tasty) experience for me; and with a combination of my hands and tongue, it can get dangerously wet down there. So with these tools I have been able to satisfy my partners, and for a time I thought that was enough.
However; inevitably, there has always been a time where my partner has -- for lack of a better way to put it -- desired the D. Just as a man likes a women's goods, a woman has a right to want to experience the man's goods. So I cannot fault anyone for that. When in a relationship, eventually I am asked that my dick needs to be part of sexual activity.
The thing is; I can get hard, but I cannot maintain it. So it makes anything more than a BJ or HJ a trying experience. It rules out actual intercourse. And there are a lot of women out there, such as my previous ex, let's call her (XY), who think everything I've explained above is just "foreplay" and it's all leading upto "the big show" which is ... intercourse.
I dated XY for a while and we instantly fell for each other. She told me she never even considered PWD's before me. We were absolutely perfect for each other in almost every way. We'd talk for hours, cuddle, constantly message each other, send pics back and forth, cuddle, cuddle, and spend hours just being together and not talking, we shared the same goals.... you get the point... and also, we were both as horny as the other. We wanted to be naked and cuddling or doing something every minute we were together. I can say I've never been as naked as I have been for as long, with anyone else, even women who I've dated for longer! but the problems arose when she started to tell me she needed to "GET FUCKED," in those words. She didn't want to use a dildo or anything artificial because she believed it'd cross a line for her and then she'd masturbate constantly, so her limit was only real dick. Eventually, we'd be together for long, I'd make her cum numerous times, and we'd cuddle up and as I hold her I'd notice she was lacking something. She wouldn't do obvious things like SIGHING, but it was subtle things that resembled a sigh. I knew she needed more and I didn't know how to give her what she needed. Eventually she started bringing it up a lot, how she wished I could fuck her -- and I tried everything I could. Oral medications for ED didn't work for me and each time I was reluctant to try again because for some reason I get a horrific headache and the headache lasts for days to the point of making me bed-ridden. I tried penis pumps. The only thing I didn't try was something I read about being injections directly into the penis? I was too scared to look into that further, because I've always had a fear of needles, it'd take me a while to overcome that enough to try it. XY eventually started to resent me, or so it felt. It became really complex and emotionally destructive. She wanted to be with me, cuddle me, love me; but she wanted to be fucked by someone else. She brought that up, sex with others, and I couldn't give her my okay. I consider that cheating, and I'm a hopeless romantic and monogamous. The thought of her being with someone else made me sick. I thought I was in love many times before I met her, but I'm not sure if I've ever felt what true love was until I met XY. All those shitty sappy love songs made sense. I was feeling emotions I never felt before and I became envious of able-bodied men who didn't have to deal with this problem. She continued to bring it up and then another suggestion became a 3-way. She said she could look into my eyes and kiss me as another guy fucked her and never make eye contact with him. This suggestion hurt me the most, I don't know why. Deep down, I wish I could not care and let her have that. But I can't help who I am and what my feelings are. I am just not okay with it. Maybe I'm not as open-minded as I thought? or maybe I'm old fashioned for the fast moving times? whatever it is, I couldn't be okay with what she wanted. Slowly her resentfulness became an obstacle in the relationship, but also my inability to compromise in this matter, and my extreme doubt in myself after that. I wasn't as sexually active with her, it felt pointless, I didn't feel loved, what was once an act of true joy and pleasure, became an act of autonomy, a mechanical memorized series of movements, a series of buttons to be pressed...
with XY, it faded in the end, and we parted ways.
surprisingly, this has happened a few more times in my life, and my most recent relationship had the same hurdle. Which is what made me think about this. I'm good at using my imagination and sometimes I'm guilty of pretending and ignoring certain things. I don't think I can ignore it anymore. So I need some opinions. I need to think about it and figure out how I feel about it. I feel it's stopped my growth, not as a person, but I dunna... as a romantic person? as a person who wants a relationship? I just feel I really need to resolve this in my mind before I can move on without carrying this burden of doubt in myself and my abilities.
I've had some really good experiences, too. I know not everyone is the same and not everyone has the same priorities. I've even been with a DEV who found my disability beautiful. But those few drops of bad experiences have tainted my waters. I look back and wonder during this good experiences, did it break off because of my lack of using THE D. Did they secretly resent me? Did I not satisfy them? Did they go elsewhere to get what they needed?
.... I see I failed at making this short and concise, I made no promises! thanks to anyone who read this fully. I needed to get it off my chest. I'd love to hear anecdotes from anyone and everyone; opinions, thoughts, ramblings, and comments also welcome.
cheerio
I'll try to make this short and concise but no promises.
Something has been bothering me for a long time. I'm a paralyzed male and I've spent a large portion of my life coming to terms with that. Things changed drastically for me when I started university and really tried to "find" myself (which may or may not have involved a dance with drugs) and eventually I settled into who I was. I accepted myself and my injury. I realized I am a person, like other people. I am me. When this realization set in, and I started being myself, and letting my personality shine and just being happy; I started to make friends, male and female, and before I knew it, I was dating. Sooner than later I was in "Serious" relationship(s) and I was able to confirm I am capable (and deserving) of being happy and being in a relationship.
So with all that aside; I am a man and there are certain things that automatically hurt my ego no matter how hard I try.
One such thing is that I will always have an under-tone of curiosity and doubt as to whether or not I am sexually pleasing my partner, enough to her satisfaction. I am not tooting my own horn; but I am familiar with the female anatomy. I've been told I work magic with my hands. I've brought women to (multiple) orgasms with my hands. And thankfully, having upperbody control means I have good hand/finger control and I put them to use. Furthermore, more often than not, if I click with a woman, I usually also enjoy her pheromones, and therefore I enjoy her scent and taste, and it makes cunnilingus an enjoyable (and tasty) experience for me; and with a combination of my hands and tongue, it can get dangerously wet down there. So with these tools I have been able to satisfy my partners, and for a time I thought that was enough.
However; inevitably, there has always been a time where my partner has -- for lack of a better way to put it -- desired the D. Just as a man likes a women's goods, a woman has a right to want to experience the man's goods. So I cannot fault anyone for that. When in a relationship, eventually I am asked that my dick needs to be part of sexual activity.
The thing is; I can get hard, but I cannot maintain it. So it makes anything more than a BJ or HJ a trying experience. It rules out actual intercourse. And there are a lot of women out there, such as my previous ex, let's call her (XY), who think everything I've explained above is just "foreplay" and it's all leading upto "the big show" which is ... intercourse.
I dated XY for a while and we instantly fell for each other. She told me she never even considered PWD's before me. We were absolutely perfect for each other in almost every way. We'd talk for hours, cuddle, constantly message each other, send pics back and forth, cuddle, cuddle, and spend hours just being together and not talking, we shared the same goals.... you get the point... and also, we were both as horny as the other. We wanted to be naked and cuddling or doing something every minute we were together. I can say I've never been as naked as I have been for as long, with anyone else, even women who I've dated for longer! but the problems arose when she started to tell me she needed to "GET FUCKED," in those words. She didn't want to use a dildo or anything artificial because she believed it'd cross a line for her and then she'd masturbate constantly, so her limit was only real dick. Eventually, we'd be together for long, I'd make her cum numerous times, and we'd cuddle up and as I hold her I'd notice she was lacking something. She wouldn't do obvious things like SIGHING, but it was subtle things that resembled a sigh. I knew she needed more and I didn't know how to give her what she needed. Eventually she started bringing it up a lot, how she wished I could fuck her -- and I tried everything I could. Oral medications for ED didn't work for me and each time I was reluctant to try again because for some reason I get a horrific headache and the headache lasts for days to the point of making me bed-ridden. I tried penis pumps. The only thing I didn't try was something I read about being injections directly into the penis? I was too scared to look into that further, because I've always had a fear of needles, it'd take me a while to overcome that enough to try it. XY eventually started to resent me, or so it felt. It became really complex and emotionally destructive. She wanted to be with me, cuddle me, love me; but she wanted to be fucked by someone else. She brought that up, sex with others, and I couldn't give her my okay. I consider that cheating, and I'm a hopeless romantic and monogamous. The thought of her being with someone else made me sick. I thought I was in love many times before I met her, but I'm not sure if I've ever felt what true love was until I met XY. All those shitty sappy love songs made sense. I was feeling emotions I never felt before and I became envious of able-bodied men who didn't have to deal with this problem. She continued to bring it up and then another suggestion became a 3-way. She said she could look into my eyes and kiss me as another guy fucked her and never make eye contact with him. This suggestion hurt me the most, I don't know why. Deep down, I wish I could not care and let her have that. But I can't help who I am and what my feelings are. I am just not okay with it. Maybe I'm not as open-minded as I thought? or maybe I'm old fashioned for the fast moving times? whatever it is, I couldn't be okay with what she wanted. Slowly her resentfulness became an obstacle in the relationship, but also my inability to compromise in this matter, and my extreme doubt in myself after that. I wasn't as sexually active with her, it felt pointless, I didn't feel loved, what was once an act of true joy and pleasure, became an act of autonomy, a mechanical memorized series of movements, a series of buttons to be pressed...
with XY, it faded in the end, and we parted ways.
surprisingly, this has happened a few more times in my life, and my most recent relationship had the same hurdle. Which is what made me think about this. I'm good at using my imagination and sometimes I'm guilty of pretending and ignoring certain things. I don't think I can ignore it anymore. So I need some opinions. I need to think about it and figure out how I feel about it. I feel it's stopped my growth, not as a person, but I dunna... as a romantic person? as a person who wants a relationship? I just feel I really need to resolve this in my mind before I can move on without carrying this burden of doubt in myself and my abilities.
I've had some really good experiences, too. I know not everyone is the same and not everyone has the same priorities. I've even been with a DEV who found my disability beautiful. But those few drops of bad experiences have tainted my waters. I look back and wonder during this good experiences, did it break off because of my lack of using THE D. Did they secretly resent me? Did I not satisfy them? Did they go elsewhere to get what they needed?
.... I see I failed at making this short and concise, I made no promises! thanks to anyone who read this fully. I needed to get it off my chest. I'd love to hear anecdotes from anyone and everyone; opinions, thoughts, ramblings, and comments also welcome.
cheerio
