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Post by lucretia on Feb 19, 2018 19:30:24 GMT -5
I guess I've never met a PWD, here or otherwise, that I just "had" to know based solely on their disability.
Friendship, even aquaintenceship, would require some shared interest, some kind of mutual chemistry.
The only guy I ever saw who captivated me based solely on his looks and disability was a beautiful quad in a laundromat in NC about 30 years ago. But I never got the chance, I never saw him again.
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Post by matisse on Feb 19, 2018 19:50:38 GMT -5
I don't actually have any more close PWD friends. My best one died a couple of years ago š¢ and I have not spent any energy since his passing in pursuing any more PWD relationships. If you lived near me, you would!! Though now that I am not working, I would be a bad influence...and you would always be the designated driver!!!
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Post by lucretia on Feb 19, 2018 20:26:52 GMT -5
I don't actually have any more close PWD friends. My best one died a couple of years ago š¢ and I have not spent any energy since his passing in pursuing any more PWD relationships. If you lived near me, you would!! Though now that I am not working, I would be a bad influence...and you would always be the designated driver!!! I might be the bad influence, and I like strip clubs, too!!! We'd have to call a cab... A lot! Seriously, if we didn't live on opposite coasts, the debauchery could be legend. šššš
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Post by mona on Feb 21, 2018 16:23:51 GMT -5
Yes @tc123, thanks for expressing all that. I pretty much agree. For me personally, there are two main reasons why I would like to have that pwd friend (and of course it should be a person I could connect with regardless of his disability): Firstly, as you described, I would like to experience what life is like for him with him (and not just by reading it somewhere). And secondly, I would like to have a person in my (analog) life with whom I could truly share my devness. I have tried to imagine whether it could be a woman, too, and I would be delighted to have a female pwd or dev friend but ideal would be a disabled man. That's why I believe there is still an erotic part in it, missparkle, even though I claim I'm only looking for a friend. So, for me it's pretty clear that I would like to be open about my devness. But not out of a negative motivation, as if it was something the other has to be warned of. I know (now) that there's nothing wrong with me. And I agree with lucretia that it's not important or necessary to directly utter why I want to be someone's friend. My concern is just that this possible wheeler friend might not be as interested in sharing my dev perspective as I am in sharing his pwd perspective. Or that he might never really comprehend what devness means to me. Or that it could freak him out at some point because he's not so ok with his disability. And then, I would regret my openness because otherwise we could have built a friendship on other things that had brought us together. So, yeah, now after thinking about it, I guess if I met some day this guy who happens to be a pwd and at the same time a person I would like to dive deeper with, I would probably first check out how much he is at peace with his pwd life before I come out as a dev. Otherwise, I would be too afraid of a rejection.
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Post by missparkle on Feb 21, 2018 18:44:34 GMT -5
My concern is just that this possible wheeler friend might not be as interested in sharing my dev perspective as I am in sharing his pwd perspective. Or that he might never really comprehend what devness means to me. So, yeah, now after thinking about it, I guess if I met some day this guy who happens to be a pwd and at the same time a person I would like to dive deeper with, I would probably first check out how much he is at peace with his pwd life before I come out as a dev. Otherwise, I would be too afraid of a rejection. I believe that guys are a little bit more simple when it comes to this. Not that one is better, or worse, just different. I believe the ones interested to " deeply dive" into your, mine, other's devness are rare, if they exist at all. They are not over analyzing and overthinking things like we do. So even when it comes to pwds who accept and embrace devs, main attitude is: "It is great that you find my disability attractive and interesting, I'll take it and I am happy about it. Who cares about the reasons, causes, motives, don't bother about it!" And the other part... I had that same idea. And time was passing... And the more we dived deeper and the more he was valuable to me as a person, it was getting harder and fear of rejection greater.
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Deleted
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Posts: 0
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Post by Deleted on Feb 21, 2018 23:34:38 GMT -5
I actually am finding myself with this dilemma right now with my gym crush. What to do, what to do?
I have such a strong longing to get to know him, not actually sexually at least at first even though I find him very attractive. My ideal scenario would be that we would somehow end up having coffee or something. I just don't know how to go about it. It doesn't help that I'm very shy. In my mind I'm picturing all those scenarios of being very up front or giving him a note or whatever...I'm just very scared.
And so I ponder and think about what the best way would be. I feel this is possibly my only opportunity, my one shot I ever have getting to know a guy on wheels who pulls me in so strongly and who actually affected me deeply already a few years ago. I keep coming around though to the fear that he may be totally freaked out if he knew I was a dev. This is really occupying my mind a lot lately. I'm seriously crushing on this guy and can't believe he appeared in my life again.
Any advice?
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Post by AlrightyAphrodite on Feb 22, 2018 16:48:41 GMT -5
Don't freak yourself out. Maybe he's super cool. Ask him a gym question? "Gee do you know how to use this machine?" she says with fresh lip gloss...waiting in line for something is a good conversation starter.
Or stand in his eye line and accidentally drop your keys. Oops...
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el_steveo
Junior Member
Posts: 71
Gender: Male
Dev Status: Disabled Male
Relationship Status: Single
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Post by el_steveo on Feb 22, 2018 16:57:04 GMT -5
I actually am finding myself with this dilemma right now with my gym crush. What to do, what to do?
I have such a strong longing to get to know him, not actually sexually at least at first even though I find him very attractive. My ideal scenario would be that we would somehow end up having coffee or something. I just don't know how to go about it. It doesn't help that I'm very shy. In my mind I'm picturing all those scenarios of being very up front or giving him a note or whatever...I'm just very scared.
And so I ponder and think about what the best way would be. I feel this is possibly my only opportunity, my one shot I ever have getting to know a guy on wheels who pulls me in so strongly and who actually affected me deeply already a few years ago. I keep coming around though to the fear that he may be totally freaked out if he knew I was a dev. This is really occupying my mind a lot lately. I'm seriously crushing on this guy and can't believe he appeared in my life again.
Any advice? just give him a note that says "you're cute" with your number on it. just walk up to him say "this is for you" and walk away with a smile on your face.
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Post by mona on Feb 22, 2018 18:00:08 GMT -5
Dani, honestly, I find you're so incredibly lucky that you're in the same fitness club with this guy now... It's like hitting the jackpoint. I think you're meant to really know each other otherwise life wouldn't have brought you together again. I'm so excited for you. I can't give any advice what to do but smiling at him and eventually starting some small talk sounds like a decent plan to me. Don't look at you both as a dev and a pwd, but as two human beings.
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Post by matisse on Feb 22, 2018 19:44:38 GMT -5
Dani, people vary so much, there is no way to know what "will work." So my only advice is that you should just make a choice and do something. Maybe it will end up being the wrong thing, but hindsight is 20/20. If you don't do something you will regret it.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Feb 22, 2018 22:00:42 GMT -5
Yeah, I think eventually I have to throw the ball into his hands...literally maybe the big purple gym ball and knock him out of his chair... No of course not, but I know I really want to get to know him and since I don't even know if he is attached I'm not sure how he will react. monaI like your analogy about just being a guy and a girl, nothing else. That's what I try to go by as well but I still feel like "dev" is written on my forehead...but maybe my bangs cover it up enough so he doesn't see it
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el_steveo
Junior Member
Posts: 71
Gender: Male
Dev Status: Disabled Male
Relationship Status: Single
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Post by el_steveo on Feb 22, 2018 23:11:24 GMT -5
challenge yourself to do one small thing that you wouldn't normally do. it will help you gain confidence. then the next time do something a little bigger.
whatever you decide to do it will make his day. I promise you!
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Post by TotalBias on Mar 9, 2018 23:05:28 GMT -5
While Iāve never gone out of my way to meet a guy in a wheelchair, both relationships Iāve had with wheelchair users stemmed from the dating app OkCupid. Most apps have a keyword you can search, you could maybe try ādisabledā or āwheelchairā and see what comes up? Iāve also heard some Facebook groups are good to mingle in, but I havenāt tried that myself. Best of luck!
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djj8891
Junior Member
29 SCI quadriplegic
Posts: 63
Gender: Male
Dev Status: Disabled Male
Relationship Status: Single
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Post by djj8891 on Apr 16, 2018 13:00:13 GMT -5
I'm having trouble understanding and hope you ladies can clear Things up for me. So mentally and physically youāre turned on by a wheeler to the point where you are wet but you donāt want a sexual relationship with that person? I mean isnāt that what sexual attraction is? How can you physically and mentally want to have sex with a type of person but not actually want a sexual relationship with that person? Maybe itās just me but if a girl walks by and gives me a raging hard on that indicates to me that I want A sexual relationship/encounter with that person? And is that a double standard? Because I feel like if a guy had a lot of fat lady friends because he is sexually attracted to fat girls wouldnāt he be labeled a jerk? Like āthat guy only has female friends who are fat because he is sexually attracted to fat girls but heās never going to actually want to have sex with any of them, who the f does that?ā Or is it a situation like "just because Iām sexually attracted to wheelers doesnāt mean Iām gonna want to have sex with every wheeler that rolls by but i would have sex w/ the right wheeler"
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Post by LaMara on Apr 16, 2018 15:22:30 GMT -5
I'm having trouble understanding and hope you ladies can clear Things up for me. So mentally and physically youāre turned on by a wheeler to the point where you are wet but you donāt want a sexual relationship with that person? I mean isnāt that what sexual attraction is? How can you physically and mentally want to have sex with a type of person but not actually want a sexual relationship with that person? Maybe itās just me but if a girl walks by and gives me a raging hard on that indicates to me that I want A sexual relationship/encounter with that person? And is that a double standard? Because I feel like if a guy had a lot of fat lady friends because he is sexually attracted to fat girls wouldnāt he be labeled a jerk? Like āthat guy only has female friends who are fat because he is sexually attracted to fat girls but heās never going to actually want to have sex with any of them, who the f does that?ā Or is it a situation like "just because Iām sexually attracted to wheelers doesnāt mean Iām gonna want to have sex with every wheeler that rolls by but i would have sex w/ the right wheeler"That bit at the end might be the answer. I'm not going to generalize, I will just speak for myself, but I know lots of women (not just devs) will agree: just because I find a guy physically attractive (for whatever reason) it doesn't mean I want to have sex with him. Physical attraction is a starting point, it's something appealing to the eye, but it doesn't translate in immediate sexual desire. Personally, I need to know someone, understand them, learn about them before even considering having sex with them. I need to know they're good people, they're interesting, they have a personality, something in common with me and so on... The hottest guy on Earth would still require a good brain and a good heart to get anywhere near my bed. And vice-versa, I don't expect a guy to want to have sex with me just because I might have some physical trait that he finds attractive; I'd rather he chose me for all of my qualities. When it comes to devs specifically, you also need to consider that an attraction to disability doesn't mean the disability is enough to make a guy super-hot. I know plenty of dudes with my preferred disability that I don't find physically attractive when it comes to the rest of their appearance. So yeah, people are complex, and devs are people so... take your time, get to know us, be patient and good luck.
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