Why I’ve been MIA - llamaguccii
Oct 18, 2018 16:34:04 GMT -5
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hungryquad, pam, and 2 more like this
Post by TotalBias on Oct 18, 2018 16:34:04 GMT -5
Hey everyone. I know I don’t ‘owe’ anyone an explanation for my absence since my trip with karotix5 but I want to talk about some things that have been going on with me and I hope some of you genuinely want to hear it.
In terms of what’s been going on in my life, once I got back I relocated and restarted grad school. This included some stressors such as moving to a new city, adjusting to a new lifestyle, starting a new custody arrangement with my son (I’m now seeing him quite a bit less), trying to adjust to graduate school expectations, and of course, transitioning back to long distance with Karotix.
However, none of that is really why I haven’t been on here.
I haven’t been on here because my headspace(s) have been becoming increasingly less and less stable. Although I have always had symptoms of anxiety and depression, they have gotten really out of control in the last month or so. I’ve been experiencing and acting on a lot of anger, which has put a huge strain on karotix and I (I’ve withdrawn from pretty much everyone else). I thought it may be a physical problem, so I’ve been having multiple doctor appointments a week for all sorts of things, but everything was coming back relatively normal.
Regardless of being ‘fine’ and still performing academically, I’ve been thinking a lot about death and dying, and engaging in some (mild) self harm activities. I’ve also been really struggling with eating (I have an under-eating/skipping meals disorder). Generally I’ve just been really angry, sulky, withdrawn, and scared. I also haven’t felt motivated to go out and do any of the things I enjoy. I’ve also been having disturbing nightmares and constantly wake up feeling unrested. Although none of these symptoms were new, they’ve never been this intense. And the fact that they were becoming very linked to specific and identifiable ‘personalities’ in my head (with different thought processes and opinions) was disturbing. Whatever headspace I was in felt like the right headspace when I was in it and I had a million reasons to support it, until I would suddenly transition and not know why the hell I thought that in the first place because obviously this other thing was actually right. Since I would talk to krotix about my thoughts and feelings, he was often left confused and upset, never knowing what I actually wanted or what would make me upset at any given time.
Karotix and I did some research on our own and discovered I most likely have Borderline Personality Disorder. I contacted a therapist at my college to follow up and had an intense interview about my symptoms, which resulted in me being referred to both a psychiatrist and a psychotherapist.
I saw the psychiatrist today and although I have not officially been diagnosed (I have a follow up in two weeks), she said I meet all the criteria for BPD, although she is also concerned about me being bipolar (these conditions often co-occur). She has perscribed me Lamictal, to hopefully stablize my lows. I start therapy today as well and am not sure what all it will entail. She said it’s okay if I start identifying with BPD now, despite not having an official diagnosis yet, and joining support groups and whatnot.
Honestly I’ve been crying on and off since, but that’s nothing new. I’ve been crying on and off for a month or more. I’ve never taken medications before and I’m so scared to lose a part of myself. I’m extremely creative and have written some of my best work (published) while in a depressive or angry state. Taking medication feels a bit like killing off a huge part of myself, or at least silencing it. But I also can’t stand to lose karotix (and of things keep going like they are, I will make our relationship too toxic for it to be healthy for either of us... it’s already pretty much there), or keep destroying all my other relationships.
Anyways, I’m not sure how much I will be around; right now I feel like I can’t make anyone any promises for anything, but I will try to keep you guys updated and not just ghost for weeks on end again. Idk when/if karotix will be back. All this has been very hard on him as well, maybe even harder because I’ve been abusing him emotionally quite a bit, even if it’s not intentional whatsoever, and all he wants is for us to be happy and healthy together. He does have a good support group IRL though and to be honest I’m not sure PD was ever really that for him in the first place (could’ve been, not sure).
Anyway, if anyone wants to chat more about this we can. I would love to hear from other people with personality disorders because acknowledging this about myself has been really hard, and seeking help has been even harder, especially because it’s something I’ve tried to cope with on my own for my whole life. It makes me feel validated and vulnerable at the same time. To put it simply: it’s scary shit and I don’t really know how to handle any of it but I know I have to find a way.
Thanks for reading. Sorry again for the ghosting.
*** Edit: I’m now also going to DBT/CBT oriented therapy every week. Also, I do you have hypothyroidism, but since I’ve been medicated for that for years with no improvement to these mental symptoms despite my hormones levels being continually checked and being in the right ranges, they do not think it’s that.
In terms of what’s been going on in my life, once I got back I relocated and restarted grad school. This included some stressors such as moving to a new city, adjusting to a new lifestyle, starting a new custody arrangement with my son (I’m now seeing him quite a bit less), trying to adjust to graduate school expectations, and of course, transitioning back to long distance with Karotix.
However, none of that is really why I haven’t been on here.
I haven’t been on here because my headspace(s) have been becoming increasingly less and less stable. Although I have always had symptoms of anxiety and depression, they have gotten really out of control in the last month or so. I’ve been experiencing and acting on a lot of anger, which has put a huge strain on karotix and I (I’ve withdrawn from pretty much everyone else). I thought it may be a physical problem, so I’ve been having multiple doctor appointments a week for all sorts of things, but everything was coming back relatively normal.
Regardless of being ‘fine’ and still performing academically, I’ve been thinking a lot about death and dying, and engaging in some (mild) self harm activities. I’ve also been really struggling with eating (I have an under-eating/skipping meals disorder). Generally I’ve just been really angry, sulky, withdrawn, and scared. I also haven’t felt motivated to go out and do any of the things I enjoy. I’ve also been having disturbing nightmares and constantly wake up feeling unrested. Although none of these symptoms were new, they’ve never been this intense. And the fact that they were becoming very linked to specific and identifiable ‘personalities’ in my head (with different thought processes and opinions) was disturbing. Whatever headspace I was in felt like the right headspace when I was in it and I had a million reasons to support it, until I would suddenly transition and not know why the hell I thought that in the first place because obviously this other thing was actually right. Since I would talk to krotix about my thoughts and feelings, he was often left confused and upset, never knowing what I actually wanted or what would make me upset at any given time.
Karotix and I did some research on our own and discovered I most likely have Borderline Personality Disorder. I contacted a therapist at my college to follow up and had an intense interview about my symptoms, which resulted in me being referred to both a psychiatrist and a psychotherapist.
I saw the psychiatrist today and although I have not officially been diagnosed (I have a follow up in two weeks), she said I meet all the criteria for BPD, although she is also concerned about me being bipolar (these conditions often co-occur). She has perscribed me Lamictal, to hopefully stablize my lows. I start therapy today as well and am not sure what all it will entail. She said it’s okay if I start identifying with BPD now, despite not having an official diagnosis yet, and joining support groups and whatnot.
Honestly I’ve been crying on and off since, but that’s nothing new. I’ve been crying on and off for a month or more. I’ve never taken medications before and I’m so scared to lose a part of myself. I’m extremely creative and have written some of my best work (published) while in a depressive or angry state. Taking medication feels a bit like killing off a huge part of myself, or at least silencing it. But I also can’t stand to lose karotix (and of things keep going like they are, I will make our relationship too toxic for it to be healthy for either of us... it’s already pretty much there), or keep destroying all my other relationships.
Anyways, I’m not sure how much I will be around; right now I feel like I can’t make anyone any promises for anything, but I will try to keep you guys updated and not just ghost for weeks on end again. Idk when/if karotix will be back. All this has been very hard on him as well, maybe even harder because I’ve been abusing him emotionally quite a bit, even if it’s not intentional whatsoever, and all he wants is for us to be happy and healthy together. He does have a good support group IRL though and to be honest I’m not sure PD was ever really that for him in the first place (could’ve been, not sure).
Anyway, if anyone wants to chat more about this we can. I would love to hear from other people with personality disorders because acknowledging this about myself has been really hard, and seeking help has been even harder, especially because it’s something I’ve tried to cope with on my own for my whole life. It makes me feel validated and vulnerable at the same time. To put it simply: it’s scary shit and I don’t really know how to handle any of it but I know I have to find a way.
Thanks for reading. Sorry again for the ghosting.
*** Edit: I’m now also going to DBT/CBT oriented therapy every week. Also, I do you have hypothyroidism, but since I’ve been medicated for that for years with no improvement to these mental symptoms despite my hormones levels being continually checked and being in the right ranges, they do not think it’s that.
