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Post by wonk on Nov 30, 2018 23:18:47 GMT -5
Buy a race car, the love is amazing until it breaks your heart, but all you need is money to fix the love! I don't understand, how does a race car break your heart? haha You have obviously never raced. From the highest of highs, to the absolute lowest of lows. The massive build up to a race, to be leading with a lap to go and have a 20 cent part break and end your race.
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brinzerdecalli
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Post by brinzerdecalli on Nov 30, 2018 23:23:38 GMT -5
@wonk But that isn't the race car's fault. That is yours! Either the way you drove or the way you nurtured your car to be the best it could be. The car didn't fail you; you failed the car! hahaha
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Post by Braced4Impact on Dec 1, 2018 0:08:37 GMT -5
If you've made up your mind, are you just looking for validation here?
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brinzerdecalli
Full Member
I hope to encounter some interesting and uniquely minded people.
Posts: 217
Gender: Male
Dev Status: Disabled Male
Relationship Status: Single
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Post by brinzerdecalli on Dec 1, 2018 0:14:45 GMT -5
If you've made up your mind, are you just looking for validation here? I'm just looking to see who else experienced similar things.
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Post by lucretia on Dec 1, 2018 5:49:40 GMT -5
I have.
It's toxic and codependent. It's unhealthy and will eat away at your confidence until you believe your purpose is simply to love and be there for them, regardless of what you get in return.
No one will be able to convince you it's not true love. No one can understand because they don't know how good it is when it's good.
But, when the dust settles, when it's finally over, when you seek counseling or whatever other emotional support you need to see yourself as deserving better, the bitterness of time wasted can be overwhelming... And those supports will be very important.
Good luck.
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Post by wonk on Dec 1, 2018 8:07:59 GMT -5
@wonk But that isn't the race car's fault. That is yours! Either the way you drove or the way you nurtured your car to be the best it could be. The car didn't fail you; you failed the car! hahaha I can see why she wants to hurt you!
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Post by Green on Dec 1, 2018 12:18:49 GMT -5
Green Yeah, she admits she has something wrong with her, but doesn't have time to work on it, so instead she focuses on her education and career; she graduates this year from an Ivy League School so she is heavily pressured. I just try to be very supportive and put no pressure on her. This is even worse actually. It's self-destructive of her then, and it will only get worse if she does not do anything. I'm not saying she might be bipolar as in can't make up her mind. I mean bipolar as in she might actually have a psychiatric disorder. You make it sound like it's a very big issue in her life and that it causes her a lot of stress and harms her relationships. Based on what you describe, her behavior is not malicious, but it is immature. If she "doesn't have time to work on it", then she is disregarding her health and her relationships. If she had an eating disorder, and she told you she didn't have time to work on it while starving herself, would you do nothing except listen to her problems? I'm not going to get into right now the philosophical meaning of love, but my main point about saying I love you is that you have to at least start with that. If you ignore your own well-being, and your own satisfaction with life, you start to feel miserable, unhappy, and questioning your entire relationship with the person. I'm not saying you should break contact with her. But you shouldn't pretend you have something that you don't. Sporadically breaking up is not a romantic relationship. If you stop treating it like a romantic relationship, you might feel better. You don't even have to change what you're doing, but from experience, what you call a relation with someone affects how you feel about the relation. If the relation you have includes sex and emotional support and things like that, great, keep that, but don't call it romantic. Being disabled, adaptation is our strongest ability. You should adapt, rather than forcing a label. I think Steve gave the best advice, and it was to the point. Keep in mind he didn't say cut her out of your life.
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brinzerdecalli
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Post by brinzerdecalli on Dec 1, 2018 13:39:19 GMT -5
I have. It's toxic and codependent. It's unhealthy and will eat away at your confidence until you believe your purpose is simply to love and be there for them, regardless of what you get in return. No one will be able to convince you it's not true love. No one can understand because they don't know how good it is when it's good. But, when the dust settles, when it's finally over, when you seek counseling or whatever other emotional support you need to see yourself as deserving better, the bitterness of time wasted can be overwhelming... And those supports will be very important. Good luck. I'm sorry you went through something similar! I feel my purpose or greatest source of happiness and fulfillment comes from loving, being loved back, and I know I deserve it... I just also know people who can create that scenario and feeling are few and far between. If I had more options out there who found me attractive and I them, then, truth is, I would be far less "willing to try" with this girl, or anyone who doesn't do me right. I can something build from there or just enjoy life. I've been searching highly actively on 5 different dating sites for about a month now and maybe I had like 8 mutual matches... Most of which didn't even respond. 2 showed promise but then ghosted. I don't have false evaluations of my value! I know I am worth a lot but just finding those who can see it is hard. My average is 3 years between finding my next romantic experience. I am looking at counseling but I never have had much luck with it in the past. I value the time we had together! I'm not bitter at all... Just trying to make the most out of what life throws my way.
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brinzerdecalli
Full Member
I hope to encounter some interesting and uniquely minded people.
Posts: 217
Gender: Male
Dev Status: Disabled Male
Relationship Status: Single
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Post by brinzerdecalli on Dec 1, 2018 13:41:19 GMT -5
@wonk But that isn't the race car's fault. That is yours! Either the way you drove or the way you nurtured your car to be the best it could be. The car didn't fail you; you failed the car! hahaha I can see why she wants to hurt you! Elaborate on that, please!?
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brinzerdecalli
Full Member
I hope to encounter some interesting and uniquely minded people.
Posts: 217
Gender: Male
Dev Status: Disabled Male
Relationship Status: Single
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Post by brinzerdecalli on Dec 1, 2018 13:58:49 GMT -5
Green I agree, but what else can you do, besides encourage getting therapy? I can't force her to get help... :/ I agree, luckily I'm always in tune with my happiness, and evaluating the risk-reward of actions and relationships. Yeah, I basically do that already. Last time I gave it a different label and told her she must earn me as a BF again [which she asked for] because her actions have shown that she doesn't have in her what makes for a good girlfriend for me, at this time.
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Post by strawberrybubblegum on Dec 1, 2018 14:13:58 GMT -5
Not much more pain comes from a breakup than just not having a relationship This is your answer. If breaking up is no worse than just being single all together, it’s pretty hard to think that you really love her. I think he does love her and this is a protective mechanism so he doesn’t get (more) hurt. brinzerdecalli Been there, done that. I could tell myself I didn’t love him and want a relationship all I wanted, only thing that helped was letting him go for good. If you’re okay with things as they are, then why not?
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brinzerdecalli
Full Member
I hope to encounter some interesting and uniquely minded people.
Posts: 217
Gender: Male
Dev Status: Disabled Male
Relationship Status: Single
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Post by brinzerdecalli on Dec 1, 2018 14:54:28 GMT -5
This is your answer. If breaking up is no worse than just being single all together, it’s pretty hard to think that you really love her. I think he does love her and this is a protective mechanism so he doesn’t get (more) hurt. brinzerdecalli Been there, done that. I could tell myself I didn’t love him and want a relationship all I wanted, only thing that helped was letting him go for good. If you’re okay with things as they are, then why not? I think that is fair to say. Living with a disability, you learn to not hold on to your love and desires so strongly, since more often than not it will not be reciprocated. Some just shun the feelings, but I have learned to liquify them, let them flow in and out, since I just can't block them out... Well, I'm ok apart, but less happy. But I don't think I'm hanging on and holding myself back or anything! I welcome any new experience. I know it will come eventually... But I don't like waiting without motion. You know?
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Post by malibu on Dec 1, 2018 15:41:05 GMT -5
I think most can relate to a situation like this (unreliable, unstable relationship), and everyone feels and reacts differently in this situation, some suffer, some (are able to) take advantage and enjoy. So I can only speak for myself, I personally would hate the lack of control over the situation, having her decide when to come and when to go, even if she was the last person on the globe.... that is why I would (eventually) block her - I regret not having done it earlier sometimes, just to gain a little control (So the "waiting without motion" would end).
But I know the situations are different....I guess you should ask yourself: is it really worth it, the highs and lows, or wouldn't it be better to be on a constant whatever, concentrate on other stuff and eventually find someone else?
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Post by Corey on Dec 1, 2018 15:46:42 GMT -5
Living with a disability, you learn to not hold on to your love and desires so strongly, since more often than not it will not be reciprocated. Some just shun the feelings, but I have learned to liquify them, let them flow in and out, since I just can't block them out... No dude, this is not normal. It had nothing to do with having a disability, and everything to do with dating a person who disrespects you
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Post by strawberrybubblegum on Dec 1, 2018 16:07:24 GMT -5
I think you‘re not as comfortable in this situation as you tell yourself you are, but you’re also not ready to let go yet. That’s okay. You’re the only one that can decide if and when to do so. I think some good advice and thoughts have been shared. Hopefully you can get something out of it.
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