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Post by Green on Dec 1, 2018 17:49:16 GMT -5
Green I agree, but what else can you do, besides encourage getting therapy? I can't force her to get help... :/ That's about all you can do, unfortunately. Talk to her about it though, don't let it go. Do some research on how to bring it up. Let her presence ebb and flow if you must. And of course, be honest. The important question I think is: are you really independent from her? Don't get hung up on the rarity of love, or how hard it is to find. Disability will make you feel doubts sometimes, but those are just doubts. They aren't truths.
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brinzerdecalli
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Post by brinzerdecalli on Dec 1, 2018 19:24:04 GMT -5
Living with a disability, you learn to not hold on to your love and desires so strongly, since more often than not it will not be reciprocated. Some just shun the feelings, but I have learned to liquify them, let them flow in and out, since I just can't block them out... No dude, this is not normal. It had nothing to do with having a disability, and everything to do with dating a person who disrespects you It's not normal for people to adapt and cope with their higher than average rejection rate? Really? You are telling me that you, or most people with severe physical disabilities don't find themselves into, even loving someone who never would see them that way? That is most of my experience with relationships... I was saying how I've developed a different way of loving and accepting when I am rejected, because of all the practice. That is not fair to say?
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brinzerdecalli
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I hope to encounter some interesting and uniquely minded people.
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Post by brinzerdecalli on Dec 1, 2018 19:31:58 GMT -5
I think you‘re not as comfortable in this situation as you tell yourself you are, but you’re also not ready to let go yet. That’s okay. You’re the only one that can decide if and when to do so. I think some good advice and thoughts have been shared. Hopefully you can get something out of it. I never claimed to be comfortable, just willing and wanting to make the best of my life! I'm not comfortable with any part of my life, just accepting, and working to improve what I can, but there is no working on improving my experience with relationships... Is there? There is just putting yourself out there and hoping something works out and feels good.
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brinzerdecalli
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I hope to encounter some interesting and uniquely minded people.
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Dev Status: Disabled Male
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Post by brinzerdecalli on Dec 1, 2018 19:49:16 GMT -5
Green I agree, but what else can you do, besides encourage getting therapy? I can't force her to get help... :/ That's about all you can do, unfortunately. Talk to her about it though, don't let it go. Do some research on how to bring it up. Let her presence ebb and flow if you must. And of course, be honest. The important question I think is: are you really independent from her? Don't get hung up on the rarity of love, or how hard it is to find. Disability will make you feel doubts sometimes, but those are just doubts. They aren't truths. I brought it up several times and she has said a few times she wants some help, but she's too busy... Which she is... She'd have to give up something on her plate to make the time to do so... If she starts talking again I'll try again. I think I am independent... as much as anyone is... If they don't bring you joy and enrich your life, then why would you want them? haha What do you mean it's not true? Is it not true that I have nearly 75% of the locals, closish in age on OKC stared and only one match right now? lol I don't doubt that I will have more experiences or that love will come eventually, but the rarity is very real, and very true. Not many girls are open to dating people with disabilities at my level. But then isn't that the whole concept of this site? If it was much more common and mainstream would this site exist/need to exist for people to talk about this preference and comfort? Not that there is really anything wrong with that! I hope one day it's so common of an acceptance that everyone just is like "Yeah, you like people with disabilities? So does everyone." Just how it is with races or weight, or hair color. A world where forums are required for people who can't/won't date someone with a disability. lol
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Post by Green on Dec 1, 2018 21:13:01 GMT -5
You probably know better than anyone that "no time" isn't an excuse for important things. Are you too busy for respiratory therapy? Are you too busy for going to a doctor to take care of a pressure sore? I'm only pointing this out to give you perspective, and maybe give you some idea of how much you want to extend yourself for her.
You were talking about reciprocation. The odds are against you to meet someone in the sense that you are more unique in a very noticeable way. Once you get to know someone, I don't think you are any less likely to find reciprocation.
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brinzerdecalli
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I hope to encounter some interesting and uniquely minded people.
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Post by brinzerdecalli on Dec 1, 2018 21:26:15 GMT -5
Green It's not very valid, but people tend to never want to make compromises; to better themselves, and keep themselves healthy, especially young able-bodied people. haha I do see what you're saying though. Got ya, That relates to my original inquiry. It seems finding people who don't reciprocate affection, investment, and love is no more common among PWDs. I will not expect this as a norm to my future relationships. Just have been unlucky so far.
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Post by A££Y "Cuddles" Magoo on Dec 1, 2018 23:45:53 GMT -5
For the most part, I'm the type of person that cuts a person out of my life once it goes to shit. That said, I have given ppl second chances in the past and it's never turned out well. I haven't read all the comments so I apologize if I'm missed anything but this girl sounds flakier than chicken pot pie and thus, I have to assume that she always will be. also, If this relationship is primarily online-based then I'd say this relationship isn't as important as you think it is, and by that I mean, you're bound to find another relationship in time. Trust me I know. I almost never get the real word visits but if we're talking online encounters, those happen pretty regularly. I know it might sound cliche, but if I can do it you can. Now, if you've seen her in person more then a few times then I guess it's all about what you're willing to take, if you're cool with your sitch then do what you will I guess... but if u are holding out hope for her in any way I would get rid of her, cause nothing will likely change my man.
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brinzerdecalli
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I hope to encounter some interesting and uniquely minded people.
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Dev Status: Disabled Male
Relationship Status: Single
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Post by brinzerdecalli on Dec 1, 2018 23:54:37 GMT -5
For the most part, I'm the type of person that cuts a person out of my life once it goes to shit. That said, I have given ppl second chances in the past and it's never turned out well. I haven't read all the comments so I apologize if I'm missed anything but this girl sounds flakier than chicken pot pie and thus, I have to assume that she always will be. also, If this relationship is primarily online-based then I'd say this relationship isn't as important as you think it is, and by that I mean, you're bound to find another relationship in time. Trust me I know. I almost never get the real word visits but if we're talking online encounters, those happen pretty regularly. I know it might sound cliche, but if I can do it you can. Now, if you've seen her in person more then a few times then I guess it's all about what you're willing to take, if you're cool with your sitch then do what you will I guess... but if u are holding out hope for her in any way I would get rid of her, cause nothing will likely change my man. Yeah, it's an IRL relationship. We see each other once/twice a week when we are together, since we're only >20 minutes apart by train. Since her apartment is not accessible, she usually comes to me, or my place after a date, and stays the night.
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Post by TotalBias on Dec 2, 2018 16:51:58 GMT -5
I'm definitely not suggesting a diagnosis for this person, but I see a lot of what you're describing in a Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD) support group I'm in. Often, with mood regulation disorders people alternate with feeling overwhelming good emotions ('I love you more than anything, you're the most amazing person ever, let's get married!') to feeling totally disassociated with the relationship or in some cases actively hostile to the relationship (going from love to hate is called 'splitting' btw if you want to look it up and see if maybe it resonates with some of your more specific interactions with her).
Either way though, I would say it most likely has to do with their own emotional regulation/fear of abandonment (which ironically leads many people to end the relationship because it's less painful that waiting for the other person to do it if you've convinced yourself they are going to...) issues.
Could disability play a factor? Sure. Could other factors of your personality play a factor? Sure. But more than likely this pattern in her life doesn't begin or end with you.
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Post by A££Y "Cuddles" Magoo on Dec 2, 2018 21:51:29 GMT -5
For the most part, I'm the type of person that cuts a person out of my life once it goes to shit. That said, I have given ppl second chances in the past and it's never turned out well. I haven't read all the comments so I apologize if I'm missed anything but this girl sounds flakier than chicken pot pie and thus, I have to assume that she always will be. also, If this relationship is primarily online-based then I'd say this relationship isn't as important as you think it is, and by that I mean, you're bound to find another relationship in time. Trust me I know. I almost never get the real word visits but if we're talking online encounters, those happen pretty regularly. I know it might sound cliche, but if I can do it you can. Now, if you've seen her in person more then a few times then I guess it's all about what you're willing to take, if you're cool with your sitch then do what you will I guess... but if u are holding out hope for her in any way I would get rid of her, cause nothing will likely change my man. Yeah, it's an IRL relationship. We see each other once/twice a week when we are together, since we're only >20 minutes apart by train. Since her apartment is not accessible, she usually comes to me, or my place after a date, and stays the night. That's certainly a bit more understandable then. I'm no more optimistic than I was but if the joy outweighs the distress then enjoy. 20mins apart tho, wuh?? that's a fable if I ever heard one. lol. the closest IRL thing I had was 90mins maybe? heh.
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Post by matisse on Dec 2, 2018 23:29:58 GMT -5
It is not possible to be in true love one day and strangers the next. Love doesn't work that way. You can hate each other because of a fight, or be strangers after a long while. But to truly be strangers one day to the next, I don't think so. It works kind of the opposite, actually. When the shit hits the fan, even (and perhaps especially) within the relationship, love is what keeps you together. It's not easy to withdraw from real love, because you just don't want to. We have gone through several really tough times and even once agreed to divorce. But we didn't. I think it's because neither of us really wanted to. It was not because of kids (we had none), or income (she's a PhD/JD), or anything else like that. All I can attribute it to is that neither of us really wanted to sever the relationship. Why? Well, maybe love. Maybe you do think you feel true love for her. But from your description, I don't think she feels that for you. And I don't think she will ever truly feel that for anyone, it's not specific to you. There is no reason love should be subject to a different bell curve than anything else. There will be some people who will never know a true, lifelong love. They may "love" ephemerally but then it can suddenly die off. I believe that true love has to have some mutuality to it. There are probably swingers and polygamists who have true love. But it's what they expect. When there is an imbalance, I don't think it can become real love. That imbalance is what you have now. She comes and goes. You don't.
All that said, I can can see your point about going back to her for as long as she does keep coming back, as long as it doesn't keep you from meeting other women. It's just so difficult for wheelers to have the intimacy that is so central to the well being of people. It's a very bad card you've been dealt and you will need to do things that are not in the AB playbook. This may be one of them. I admittedly have very little experience in relationships. I got lucky young, before my disability really kicked in. So my advice is probably worth little in terms of real life experience for wheelers. But I have seen a lot with my friends and family. My advice is to not get stuck. Let her come back as much as you want but expect and assume that she will never be with you long term. And absolutely do not let her be an impediment to a relationship with someone else at any time, you need to be able to sever from her as easily as she severs from you.
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brinzerdecalli
Full Member
I hope to encounter some interesting and uniquely minded people.
Posts: 217
Gender: Male
Dev Status: Disabled Male
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Post by brinzerdecalli on Dec 3, 2018 0:36:20 GMT -5
I'm definitely not suggesting a diagnosis for this person, but I see a lot of what you're describing in a Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD) support group I'm in. Often, with mood regulation disorders people alternate with feeling overwhelming good emotions ('I love you more than anything, you're the most amazing person ever, let's get married!') to feeling totally disassociated with the relationship or in some cases actively hostile to the relationship (going from love to hate is called 'splitting' btw if you want to look it up and see if maybe it resonates with some of your more specific interactions with her). Either way though, I would say it most likely has to do with their own emotional regulation/fear of abandonment (which ironically leads many people to end the relationship because it's less painful that waiting for the other person to do it if you've convinced yourself they are going to...) issues. Could disability play a factor? Sure. Could other factors of your personality play a factor? Sure. But more than likely this pattern in her life doesn't begin or end with you.I A word she used frequently was "conflicted" and she then couldn't embrace both feelings [seeing me as someone she'd like to build a future with and seeing me as an obstacle to the future she's wanted; finding me to be the best sexual partner she's ever had, to me being unable to fuck her the way she wants and she wants more; etc.] at once. When she leaves our loving relationship she runs into a very unsafe and dangerous one... Almost punishing herself. So yeah... that sounds spot on! Maybe down the line when we're in good terms I'll have her read up on it. Thanks!
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brinzerdecalli
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I hope to encounter some interesting and uniquely minded people.
Posts: 217
Gender: Male
Dev Status: Disabled Male
Relationship Status: Single
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Post by brinzerdecalli on Dec 3, 2018 0:46:05 GMT -5
It is not possible to be in true love one day and strangers the next. Love doesn't work that way. You can hate each other because of a fight, or be strangers after a long while. But to truly be strangers one day to the next, I don't think so. It works kind of the opposite, actually. When the shit hits the fan, even (and perhaps especially) within the relationship, love is what keeps you together. It's not easy to withdraw from real love, because you just don't want to. We have gone through several really tough times and even once agreed to divorce. But we didn't. I think it's because neither of us really wanted to. It was not because of kids (we had none), or income (she's a PhD/JD), or anything else like that. All I can attribute it to is that neither of us really wanted to sever the relationship. Why? Well, maybe love. Maybe you do think you feel true love for her. But from your description, I don't think she feels that for you. And I don't think she will ever truly feel that for anyone, it's not specific to you. There is no reason love should be subject to a different bell curve than anything else. There will be some people who will never know a true, lifelong love. They may "love" ephemerally but then it can suddenly die off. I believe that true love has to have some mutuality to it. There are probably swingers and polygamists who have true love. But it's what they expect. When there is an imbalance, I don't think it can become real love. That imbalance is what you have now. She comes and goes. You don't.
All that said, I can can see your point about going back to her for as long as she does keep coming back, as long as it doesn't keep you from meeting other women. It's just so difficult for wheelers to have the intimacy that is so central to the well being of people. It's a very bad card you've been dealt and you will need to do things that are not in the AB playbook. This may be one of them. I admittedly have very little experience in relationships. I got lucky young, before my disability really kicked in. So my advice is probably worth little in terms of real life experience for wheelers. But I have seen a lot with my friends and family. My advice is to not get stuck. Let her come back as much as you want but expect and assume that she will never be with you long term. And absolutely do not let her be an impediment to a relationship with someone else at any time, you need to be able to sever from her as easily as she severs from you. Beautifully said my man!
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Post by Deleted on Dec 3, 2018 4:31:44 GMT -5
2words: ditch her
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Post by Green on Dec 3, 2018 13:03:17 GMT -5
When she leaves our loving relationship she runs into a very unsafe and dangerous one... Almost punishing herself. Yeah, this is really bad. I would say I've been through something slightly similar, in the sense who I was with had bipolar and was later diagnosed with schizoaffective. It's similar because she would go through periods of extreme lack of interest, then periods of loving and caring. At first it would seem like it was the difficulties of my disability, but as more time went on, it was more apparent that it had entirely everything to do with her mental health, and almost nothing to do with me. I'm not dating her now, but we are close friends and she is considerably more stable since she's been getting good treatment. The girl you're talking about, we can't know if she has a diagnosable disorder, but whatever the case, you might find that everything will look a huge deal better if you have patience with her. Of course, as has been mentioned, live your own life at the same time, which you seem to have been doing.
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