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Post by myrrh on Dec 17, 2019 19:09:58 GMT -5
You should really listen to Mets he is like Baby Yoda, all cute, but a 50 year old guy in a young mans body. 2019 Post of the Year.
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Post by Jay on Dec 17, 2019 20:53:02 GMT -5
OK, so please bear with me, what I am about to say may sound controversial, but actually it's in support of PWD. We (as people) sometimes tend to think that our experiences are unique. They are not. People ghost each other on dating sites every day. I've been ghosted a gazzilion times. And I've always wondered "was I too excited/shy/forward/boring/intense/whatever". This is not to say that PWD don't have to deal with a lot more rejection for superficial reasons, a lot more shit, a lot more abuse, a lot more ignorance. But I think @steve put it very well: 90% of people would have no interest in dating someone with a significant disability. It may sound like a high number, but it's not. I'm gay, and whether I like it or not, 90% of people would have no interest in dating me, because our sexual orientation is incompatible. Doesn't make them (or me!) bad people, it just is. I can't change a straight person, no more than you can change someone who is not interested in dating someone with a disability. Then for another 9% of people I'm probably too tall/short/slim/fat/fair-coloured/dark-coloured/stupid/smart/boring/stimulating/[insert_your_favourite_stereotype_here]. But for the 1% out there, I'm exactly what they may be looking for. It doesn't hurt to explore. It takes time, effort and rejection, but that's the case for everyone. And if you think that being 'handsome'/strong/hot/sexy af/[insert_your_favourite_stereotype_here] is easier... well think about the amount of shit such a person gets every day and how difficult it would be to find the good ones amidst all the horny ones. So put your best self out there and try not to focus on the 99%, but on the 1% that may be standing somewhere looking, feeling a bit shy.
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Post by Green on Dec 17, 2019 23:17:42 GMT -5
I mean, it doesn't really bother me why someone would reject me. I was just asking about how common it is to be ghosted even if you get along really well and built something of a connection. I think ghosting is different when you barely exchange any messages, and doesn't even count as ghosting. It is unfortunate the extra effort I need to put in, compared to able-bodied people, but I don't mind doing that. Absolutely, some people see disability as a compatibility issue on the level of having kids. This is wrongheaded of them and it shouldn't be on the level of having kids (unless they have a very specific reason like mountain climbing is extremely important to their life). But I find it empowering to think that whatever bias and ignorance people have, it requires me to be my best self, because halfway good enough is just not good enough. So, I'm not sitting here upset or anything. I just have this incredulity that even this person ghosted me.
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Post by Dr. BiPAP Sachin on Dec 18, 2019 14:26:16 GMT -5
Freakin' ghosts everywhere! Who you gonna call?
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Post by pam on Dec 18, 2019 16:43:13 GMT -5
I like the idea that even though it is only one percent that will be attracted to a person, there is that one percent out there. I really do believe that there is someone for everyone out there.
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Post by Deleted on Dec 19, 2019 2:56:58 GMT -5
In my experience, when I hid my disability from my profiles I got a lot of matches. I would usually out myself within a few messages because I didn't think it was nice to hide it. Most of the time when I mentioned my disability they would say they didn't mind, but then they would completely change their attitude. Less messages, straight up ghosting, going from flirty or energetic and putting in effort to the conversation to only responding with like one or two words.
When I started putting pictures of me in my wheelchair on my profiles I just stopped getting matches for the most part, or matched with profiles stating they're asexual or just looking for friends.
It does fuck you up a bit to realize how unwanted you are because of your disability. Maybe try taking a break and just focusing on yourself and your personal happiness.
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Post by infinatedreams on Dec 19, 2019 3:23:17 GMT -5
It does fuck you up a bit to realize how unwanted you are because of your disability. Maybe try taking a break and just focusing on yourself and your personal happiness. I've never tried online dating, if I was to then my expectations of success would be low. Despite our 'enlightened' times too many people are still uneducated about disabilities and the capabilities of people who are disabled. The nature of 'on line's is that its there, its quick, there are a lot of profiles so one with a disabled dude is going to drop down the list fast. So many assumptions made about pwd, he can't be a satisfying lover, I'll have to care for him, he will be a financial burden as he cant work, he's gunna die young etc etc etc ... so most dont bother. I wouldn't take that as a personal slight about myself more as a confirmation of their lack of education and narrow mindedness. People/women I've interacted with personally know different, or at the very least get to know the 'real me' and dont just see a dude in a chair. And that's where I've had most success dating, with people I know and the odd one or two umm maybe 5 or 6 that I've chatted up in a pub on a night out. I still think that 'getting out and about' if you can is the best way to meet a new partner.
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Post by Corey on Dec 19, 2019 14:07:51 GMT -5
It does fuck you up a bit to realize how unwanted you are because of your disability. Maybe try taking a break and just focusing on yourself and your personal happiness. I've never tried online dating, if I was to then my expectations of success would be low. Despite our 'enlightened' times too many people are still uneducated about disabilities and the capabilities of people who are disabled. The nature of 'on line's is that its there, its quick, there are a lot of profiles so one with a disabled dude is going to drop down the list fast. I completely agree. Dating apps are designed to be superficial. When you have dozens of potential matches, you have to make quick decisions on whether or nor you think someone would be good for you. Most of the time it will come down to something superficial. I dont consider myself a very superficial person, but even so, when I was on dating apps I caught myself swiping left because of their appearance, or maybe a phrase they used ('love to laugh' was usually an instant rejection). I know it is illogical, but thats what the dating apps encourage you to do, either directly or maybe subconsciously. So of course being in a wheelchair will be an instant 'no' online. Its much different in the real world. Have one good conversation with someone, and I think many of the traits that are normally cause for rejection online get thrown out the window. Im sure we all have experienced something similar, where maybe you were not attracted to someone initially, but then you got to know them and suddenly you were attracted. This happens with PWDs too. I know being disabled is a big deal and many will still find it as a dealbreaker. But my point is more that you will have much better success in real life. Being on dating apps while disabled is an uphill battle.
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Post by linda on Dec 19, 2019 15:18:51 GMT -5
I think many very true things have been said here. But one point I find really important here is that it is not wise to hide the fact that you are in a wheelchair because it gives the impression of a lack of self-esteeem, which would put me off immediately once I found out, and even more dishonesty. Even though for me personally the wheelchair would be a big plus, I still would somehow feel fooled if I didn’t know from the beginning. It is an important part of you, whether you like it or not.
I have experienced it so many times that I was told people would like to get to know me better if only I wouldn’t have children. Nevertheless it would never occur to me to hide this important fact. One reason is because I think it’s just fair towards the other person. But even more importantly, I would feel like betraying my children if I treated them as something that needs to be hidden. Betray them, and in the same time myself as the proud mother I am. It’s more a matter of how I define myself as a person with moral integrity. And I believe no one should ever feel they have to hide, no matter what. It might sound even a bit esoteric here, but I think things can only move into the right direction in life if you give them the chance to do so by being yourself.
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Post by Dr. BiPAP Sachin on Dec 19, 2019 16:01:52 GMT -5
Hey linda , you are so right. I, for one, never have (nor ever will) let my disability, my wheelchair, and even my noninvasive bi-pap ventilator define me for who I am as a person, but I do acknowledge that they are (for better or worse) an indelible part of my identity that I don't need to hide or be ashamed of. I have far more important things in my life than to worry about being rejected or ghosted on some superficial dating app. In other words, fuck that shit!
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Post by Deleted on Dec 19, 2019 18:41:20 GMT -5
Online dating apps are definitely not for the faint hearted, they are truly harsh ! Sadly these days theyre a bit of a necessary evil but im sure that if you could survey everyone who has ever used them, 100% would have at least one negative story. Youre right that a lot of people will scroll past a person with a disability, the entire premise is one of shallow superficiality. But it happens to ALL of us. Just be open and honest in your profile and hope to at least meet someone get to know a little better, even if it doesnt end in a relationship. Good luck, dont take it too personally x
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quietriot
New Member
Posts: 24
Gender: Trans
Dev Status: Disabled Male
Relationship Status: Single
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Post by quietriot on Dec 19, 2019 19:34:01 GMT -5
Nothing groundbreaking to add here, but I noticed a hilarious trend on a particular dating app I use. When I had just a face shot in my profile picture, I exclusively matched with dudes. When it was a full body picture with my chair, it became closer to half and half. No idea what that’s about 😆
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Post by feelsunshine on Dec 20, 2019 13:05:44 GMT -5
I think many very true things have been said here. But one point I find really important here is that it is not wise to hide the fact that you are in a wheelchair because it gives the impression of a lack of self-esteeem, which would put me off immediately once I found out, and even more dishonesty. Even though for me personally the wheelchair would be a big plus, I still would somehow feel fooled if I didn’t know from the beginning. It is an important part of you, whether you like it or not. And don't forget, showing the wheelchair makes it easier for the devs to find you!!!
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Post by Green on Dec 20, 2019 15:36:47 GMT -5
But one point I find really important here is that it is not wise to hide the fact that you are in a wheelchair because it gives the impression of a lack of self-esteeem, which would put me off immediately once I found out, and even more dishonesty. As far as pictures go, sure, it's good transparency to show a body shot of yourself. If you do online dating through something like OkCupid, then you should expect that others want to see how you look at a default. I think this all changes though when there is only text to start. There is not always a need to get into the disability immediately especially since it doesn't prevent doing the things that I do anyway. I don't see it any more important than mentioning if I had autism or some other invisible disability. What counts as hiding the fact really depends on the context. Maybe I should make another thread for this, but about pictures. What's the best way to portray my wheelchair in a picture so that it doesn't come across as intimidating? The worst part about pictures is that I don't think I'm photogenic, people usually think I'm better looking in person.
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Post by Green on Dec 22, 2019 23:20:13 GMT -5
I got a response back, three weeks later now. Apparently I made her feel like I was testing her intelligence. This is actually really confusing, because I was racking my brain around what I could have done. The tone of the conversation was the same in the response she was referring to, the only thing possibly was where I stated an opinion. It's a fear of mine, perhaps irrational, that I will sound patronizing or make people feel dumb. So I'm really careful of doing that. And maybe I slipped up. But at the same time, I'm not sure if realizing that I'm in a wheelchair made her quick to come up with a rationalization when she already got a pretty good idea of my personality at least. Mostly I've given up on it though, any more correspondence I have just depends on her willingness to tell me what I did wrong.
I guess it really is easier to just mention it in passing that I'm in a wheelchair. The drama and stress isn't worth it if and when the person disappears, because you'll never really know if finding out you were in a wheelchair made the difference. Even though I know I don't care, and I don't want to indicate I care much, it poses no risk to make a super quick reference.
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